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How am i going to get through this with so little support?

(7 Posts)
totalmisfit Fri 23-Oct-09 11:10:08

I'm expected dc2 in January. We only moved here a year ago and due to the nature of the area (isolated coastal village) and some of the locals (standoffish to downright rude) we haven't really built up a support network in the time since we moved up from London.

My family are all based in London. DH's are dotted round the country and we're not exactly on the best terms anyway (long, boring story). I don't have friends round here yet, i have aquaintances and neighbours, most of whom are busy with work, kids or just dealing with their autumn years and aren't really in a position to help out come january; i don't really feel i know a lot of them well enough to ask if they'd be able to look after dd in an emergency (ie when i go into labour).

DH is in a tempory job now, due to constructive dismissal from the job he moved up here to take a year ago, so won't get paternity leave, or might get a day or two at his boss's discretion. I take dd up and down to nursery a 10 mile bus journey away from where we live (again, a long and boring story as to why she doesn't go to the more local nursery down the road). I worry about what would happen if i went into labour on the nursery run, i suppose i'd have to rely on the kindness of strangers to get me home/to the hospital, depending on where i end up deciding to give birth.

I'm 27 weeks now and haven't seen my midwife since 16 weeks (due to see her next week, but i still think it's crap not to be given an appt for 3 bloody months of my pregnancy) so i don't really feel i've had anyone in rl to bounce ideas off re birth options. I did start a thread on here a few weeks ago and got the name of two places that are supposed to be very good for low-risk pregancies, but on trying to make an appt for a tour i found one of them no longer has a manned office or phone, and the other doesn't do hospital tours until 36 weeks (by which time the festive season will be in full swing and we're going away for most of it anyway).

Tried joining my local NCT branch but i've found there are no ante-natal groups or coffee mornings in my area (mainly based around the hipper towns and the city which is 20 miles away).

Tried contacting the local homebirth group, but again, all the classes are at 7pm in the city and i can barely remember my own name by that time in the evening at the moment (besides, getting there would be nigh-on impossible as i don't drive and can't exactly ask dh to drag dd out of bed and drive for 45 mins to pick me up at 9.30 at night). Again, we don't have anyone we could ask to babysit.

Tried to find a doula - guess what, no-one in my area, so the homebirth option is looking less and less likely but then a hospital birth on my own while dh looks after dd doesn't exactly appeal either...

I'm sure i sound weak-willed and pathetic but i'm also exhausted, physically and mentally so please be gentle with me. I just don't feel i can cope; the birth is getting closer and closer and i feel so alone.

BPiggy Fri 23-Oct-09 11:23:52

Have you thought about starting your own coffee morning/mother and baby/toddler group. I'm presuming that there must be a paper shop in the village you could pop a card in the window. Give people your mobile number or home number and see what happens. I'm sure there are some younger mums reasonably locally. Also, maybe some driving lessons!? I used to live in a very small old mining village in south wales. I know how isolated you feel. If there's no way of moving to a bigger town or city then I would say your best bet is to help yourself, you'll feel very proud of yourself and it will boost your self esteem.

As far as the birth is concerned chat to your midwife about a homebirth. Sounds like that's going to be the best option for you.

totalmisfit Fri 23-Oct-09 11:36:06

we have literally no money for driving lessons - going over budget every month despite planning meticulously.

it's all very well to say 'help yourself' but i feel i am already doing all that i can, at 6 months pregnant and with a very lively 3 year old to take care of i have an energy deficit that would take about a week of solid sleep to fill.

we moved here a year ago, we also moved 2 years prior to that. i'm starting to think that simply moving, moving and moving again when things get tough is not the answer.

i know all 3 mums in the village and have made countless overtures to tune of 'why don't we get together for coffee...?' they've made it clear they have their quota of local friends (for local people) and aren't remotely interested in getting to know me better than the odd passing conversation about our kids or the weather.

cassell Fri 23-Oct-09 12:04:47

I may be getting it wrong but it seems that your main concern at the moment is what will happen to your dd when you go into labour if a home birth isn't possible.

Is it not possible for one of your family to come and stay with you for a while around the time of your due date?

Does the nursery that your dd is at offer emergency babysitting services or can they recommend someone who could offer that?

As for a wider support group, it is very difficult in a rural area (I grew up in rural wales) and I fear that until you can drive you are going to continue to feel isolated if there is no one in your village that you can be friends with. However in the meantime it sounds as if you are on a bus route - are there no groups you could go to around where your dd goes to nursery? Or anywhere else that the bus goes? Have you tried contacting your local surestart children's centre? They often have a range of free activities/groups.

madremia09 Fri 23-Oct-09 12:06:06

totalmisfit! aaaahhhhh your story sounds like mine!!

my dp works as a field service engineer so can be hours away at any time.he cant ask for paternity leave or anything either as his job is new and still done through the agency.next week he has to go and stay in london for the week.i am terrified something will happen while hes away.

We only moved here 2 months ago,we have no family near and i only have one friend who says she can help out in an emergancy plus dds nursery if open.my dd is 3,i dont drive either but luckily i live in the centre of a town.however,if i were to go into labour and none of the options were available ie my partner too far away,my friend cant help and the school isnt open apparently i would have to ring an ambulance and dd would be taken by social services until someone could collect her.this i obv dont want!

on the good side,if dp is around,he will have to look after dd so i will be giving birth alone ........homebirth does NOT appeal to me personally plus you would still need someone to watch over dd?? our house is tiny and i dont like it,going to find somewhere better at end of 6 month tenancy....so def not an option for me.

whereabouts in uk do you live?
its a horrible situation to be in isnt it,im surprised they dont have more options for people with noone to help.social services seems a bit drastic.maybe we could stay in touch and chat about it.

take care and try not to worry,im just trying to tell myself that what happens happens and to be honest out of all the options giving birth alone seems to be the easiest!! my 1st was an ok labour though so feel fairly confident.how about you?

madremia09 Fri 23-Oct-09 12:07:21

oh im due xmas day btw

madremia09 Fri 23-Oct-09 16:31:44

hi again,see you are 27.im 24...........

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