Any midwives or patient people that can help me? terrified about next labour and need views and advice

[madmissy]

figured if i wrote whats going on in my head that it will clear things up for me! even better if anyone can help

ok i suppose you will need a bit of background!

dd1 and in pg was very down the birth was a 24 hr labour with a failed epidural was horrible a yr of pnd followed

dd2 was born when dd1 was 21 months pnd was well hidden and up to 7 months was ok spd was bad and depression seeped in and was induced early

the labour was about 3 hrs and went well until i had the retained placenta, pph and manual removal i remember nothing of my dd2's first moments and tbh i dont remember holding her or bonding at all

dd2 is now 2 and up until 8-10 weeks ago was stuggling badly with depression, i have however turned a huge corner and am off the tablets i am though under extra monitoring because of the depression and have been off work the last year now.

my dilema now is that i am slowly worrying more and more on the upcoming labour of my ds1

i am now 29+2wks pregnant and terrified that one i will have bad labour again with the bleeding and no bonding etc and 2 that this will happen and the depression will come back

i have only just in past 6 months felt a bond with dd2 i soooooo dont want this to happen with my ds1 and last child

i have been enjoying the pg and tbh this has been the best of the 3 (and my add this is the last!!!) spd is back with a bang but thats not what bothers me

i know that i have a 50% chance of the same happening and it terrifies me

i am under consultant care and have to be rescanned on the 19th as i have low placenta (cld this be due to scarring from the manual removal?) so will be back there again soon

but my consultant really isnt the easiest of women to talk to and is well known not to smile lol

i have been researching all angles like mad and i guess i just want advice....

i felt so out of control and the pain and panic of dd2s labour along with not remembering what happened when she was born etc and how i was after will scar me for life

please help me get things straight?!

i have been reading up on c sections... and i know i know its a major op but believe me i have been going over things over and over again.

my main concern is that i so desperately don't want to become ill and bad mum again i dont want to have this affect me badly again

and yet again i know that i cld have a norm delivery and worried about nothing but it doesnt take away how im feeling

thanks for reading if you got this far

[ChunkyMonkeysMum]

Ah, bless you.

I don't really know what to say to bring you some comfort, but didn't want your post to go unanswered.

Have you voiced your concerns with your GP ? Or asked about the possibility of a c-section due to your past problems ?

[madmissy]

thanks for reading!

i have always brought up how scared and want more info on the placenta probs but not on a ec tbh i am scared too, although i am feeling stronger than i have since i remember i still dont have the confindence on things and feel like i will be fobbed off?

[MoonlightMcKenzie]

Okay, don't feel things are spiraling out of control. They are not.

Firstly, if you do want a c/section there is support on MN that can support you and ensure that you get one. Knowing this might help you to see clearly that you do have options and choose what is right for you. If you placenta doesn't move, you might be best to have one anyway.

Secondly, it is extremely likely that your next labour will be pretty fast, given the speed of your second, and it is probably that whilst it might be intense it could very well be manageable. Talk to your mw about avoiding a retained placenta. It is likely that this could be avoided by avoiding the injection.

Thirdly, I would very strongly recommend a doula or trainee doula. They are a birth support person who's job it is to ensure that you have a good birth experience, where you feel calm, confident and in control. They get to know you and your preferences before hand and just having hired them can mean a relaxed late pregnancy. There are no guarantees about how the birth will go, but good doula support will mean that you understand what is happening, you feel in control, you are calm and you remember it as a good and best outcome.

A doula can also support you postnatally if you feel it is something you could benefit from.

What is your single biggest fear? retained placenta, pnd?

[ChunkyMonkeysMum]

Don't allow yourself to be fobbed off. You have to make yourself heard. Easier said than done, I know, but it's in your best interest.

Is there someone you could take along to a GP/MW appointment with you, like a friend, DH, Mum etc ?? Having the support may help, especially if you are not feeling very strong right now.

[craftynclothy]

Have you had birth debriefs at all? I know I found mine very helpful (I had it when dd1 was 2 and I was expecting dd2). I had mine with a supervisor of midwife and a supervisor for the delivery suite.

I booked with an Independent Midwife and even though I transferred into hospital during labour, she came with me and I felt so much more in control of everything. I also found that the antenatal visits really helped prepare me too, they were about an hour long each time and we discussed allsorts of possibilities and what choices I'd have etc. I know they're expensive but you can pay monthly and spread the cost.

I was most scared of getting pnd again but so far I'm feeling fine (dd2 is now 2 months old) and it's the best money I've spent.

[madmissy]

Dh has been very supportive and i am very lucky for that hes been a big factor of getting better

would love a doula but can't afford too

my biggest fears i suppose go;

; the not bonding with dd2 and feeling out of control as thats affected me most down the line

; the horrid pain and bleeding and the memory of having a hand rammed in me to dig out placenta i never want that again ever

[madmissy]

sorry cross posts no i have had no debrief

[madmissy]

moonlight i will be honest i have put off asking on here for advice as i dont want it to be looked at me looking at easy option of a c sec

i know its not i really do i have had my appendix out and that hurt lol so i know its no easy route and that cs alone come with its own factors

[MoonlightMcKenzie]

madmissy It is true that many on MN are advocates for natural birth, but only because in the majority of cases it is in the best interests of the mother and the baby and the 'reasons' for going down the c/s route are often based on mis-information and assumptions.

A c/s is NOT the easy way so imo if a woman is fully informed and still wants to do it that way, I reckon she must have blardy good reasons and should be supported. I think that 'most' natural birth advocates would agree with me, and so would a good consultant and midwife.

[madmissy]

I know that i would most likely recover quicker from a VB but its the mentally recovering that I am getting scared about... does that make sense?

Its starting to keep me awake now and i am doing my norm of storing things up to the point where i burst...

CS scares me VB terrifies me

i was going to call the midwife again today as although i saw her yesterday and said i was feeling ok i really need to sit and talk wih her

[MoonlightMcKenzie]

You know it is possible that a properly supported, good birth can help you in some ways heal from the others?

Have you considered a doula? Or even hypnobirthing (if this term is new to you it isn't as freaky as it sounds, - it is based on sound methodology and evidence).

FWIW I think that this is the worst time for most preganant women who are worried about the birth, because you are alert, well and mentally able to be anxious. As you get closer, more uncomfortable and the hormones start to relax you in preparation your anxiety might lessen a little and your mind should focus on getting the baby out rather than NOT iygwim.

Have you been in touch with the Birth Trauma Association? As annoying as this is, your best chances of a good outcome (whether c/s or vb) are if you go into it confident and positive. You really do have to get yourself a plan of action that will get you there.

[madmissy]

I looked into the doula but the costs are just too high.

I have thought to myself that i could have the most straightforward perfect delievry and be "what was i worrying about!"
but the high chances of it happening again and the not knowing this until it happens scares the hell out of me
its the after effects that worry me

[MoonlightMcKenzie]

You can get trainee doulas for about £150ish. Where are you?

It sounds to me like retained placenta is the biggest worry for you. I'm guessing you had the injection?

NOT having the injection greatly reduces the risk of retained placenta, and a pph IF you have someone experienced in natural 3rd stages. Homebirth midwifes are often a good choice.

[madmissy]

I just rang a midiwfe and blubbed on phone about everything, shes bringing my notes and having prop;er chat felt a complete twit but she was great

i am luton how can i search for trainee doulas?

i have no idea if i had injection or not

[MoonlightMcKenzie]

If you don't know, - then you most likely did.

Have a look on doula uk website. Because of the current climate, you might find a trainee who will do it just for the experience. You could also contact your local NCT branch to see if there is a trainee antenatal teacher interested in gaining some experience.

Do interview them first though. If they don't make you feel instantly comfortable on their arrival, don't 'book' them. They are, after all, going to see you naked.

[MoonlightMcKenzie]

Forgot to say, - you might like to request your notes from your previous birth. Sometimes, understanding what happened can help. It is often uncertainty that can make you anxious.

[madmissy]

yes midwife bringing them with her tomorrow to talk through things with me properly

will check out the site now thanks

[MoonlightMcKenzie]

You know your midwife sounds pretty good . Hope she is.

[madmissy]

well shes not my actual midwife only seen my one once in my pg shes been off sick but now shes on holiday,

i rang the hospital this morning and was given this ladys number she seems lovely so hope that she is

i have wrote down so much so will show her everything too

[e3chick]

A quick extra note on trainee doulas. I think the £150 is the maximum they can charge as they are only allowed to charge for expenses.
I interviewed a woman recently who explained that as she was a tube ride away from me, I would only need to pay for her tube fare (assuming it was in daylight hours - otherwise I would have paid her cab) there and back, so potentially only £5 or so. Then on top of that, I think there was a fee for a certificate or something, which was £25 but that was IT. So if you find someone local, it needn't be very much at all.
There have been a lot of good suggestions so far that hopefully will help to empower you and make you feel more positively about whichever route you plan to go down. You can get hypnotherapy CDs cheaply from amazon/ebay if that might be your cup of tea.

If you decide to have a c/s there is a website www.caesarean.org.uk that has lots of information and a caesarean birth plan section with ways to get as pleasant an experience as possible to help with bonding.

Good luck. I think you are doing all the right things at the right time. I remember how important that first hour is.

[bumpsoon]

Hi , i think you are due around the same time as me . No-one is going to critisise you if you want a CS ,you clearly need to have a uneventful and calm birth this time around . I only know of one other person who had a retained placenta and she said that was the most horrific part of the birth ,so you have my deepest sympathies . Im so glad you have a midwife coming to see you , im sure it will be a big help having someone to talk to with some answers .And please dont worry about crying ,i work in health care and its the violent ones we struggle with ,not people who are emotional ,given the hormones raging round our bodies at the moment ,hardly suprising . If you cant find a doula ,is there any one in your family who would act as a birth partner ,other than your DH ? who im sure is fabulous. Ive asked my best friend to be at this birth aswell, she can make me laugh /calm me down , where i would be trying to scratch Dh eyes out

[madmissy]

e3chick cheapest i have found is £200 and thats seems to be min? dh doesnt seem to enthused on having a doula though i will look at that csec site thankyou

bumpsoon are you on the due dec thread? name rings a bell? lol
thanks for your kind words. think dh wants to be just him but we will have a proper chat later about it i think
i am so nervous about tomorrow in fact nervous about even mentioning a c/sec to anyone prof

[MoonlightMcKenzie]

madmissy Forget your DH for the moment. Have one or two around for a free interview with your DH there. Specifically ask them their role wrt the dh. The men I have known that are sceptical are actually really relieved that they don't have to shoulder the responsibility for the outcome of their DW's labour alone. She'll be supporting him to support you and reminding him about the bits where he can actively take part, or do it on his behalf if he is uncomfortable.

[madmissy]

we have not had a proper chat about it tbh but he is very anti but i guess its unknown there is someone fairly local at £200 maybe i will call them

[e3chick]

Blimey madmissy, £200 seems such a lot for expenses. That's such a shame, I would have thought they would just be keen to get the experience.