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After DH left, I felt completely abandoned on the Maternity Ward

(82 Posts)
morningpaper Tue 07-Jun-05 17:59:38

After giving birth to dd, and after DH left, I felt completely abandoned on the Maternity Ward - because of the timing and length of labour neither of us had slept for three days, and he needed to go home for sleep. But I was hysterical from the moment the door banged on his departure until six hours later, when the Sister rang home and asked him to return. I found the Maternity Ward hellish and I hated it.

I am planning a hospital birth this time and I don't know how to deal with this aspect of things. I'd welcome advice and whether anyone else felt this way.

bossykate Tue 07-Jun-05 18:03:29

is there any particular reason you don't want to consider a home birth?

ladymuck Tue 07-Jun-05 18:03:43

Private room? Side room costs about £45 per night at our l;caol hospital.

Ask a friend/relly to visit to avoid abandonment feelings?

Honestly 2nd time round I found my hospital stay to be an almost mini holiday as I was esceping from a VERY active 2yo!

Fran1 Tue 07-Jun-05 18:04:19

Go home straight after! i insisted, i have recently explained on another thread, that you don't have to wait for paediatrician to check baby, your Gp can come to your home and do it the next day.

My midwife did explain that thats not ideal cos GP's aren't baby experts, but our paed was stuck in A&E so it was either stay the night and wait or go home and enjoy a relaxing bath and see GP in the morning!

Tommy Tue 07-Jun-05 18:07:36

agree with ladymuck. When I had my second I was in a very small maternity unit (4 beds) and the oher women were 1st time mums and the staff were busy with them most of time. I spent 3 lovely days sitting on my bed reading magazines (DS2 = angel!)- not often you get a chance like that with a 20 month old running around!

PrincessPeaHead Tue 07-Jun-05 18:07:56

I did as well with my first. It was about 3 in the morning, I was delirious with knackeredness, had just had a huge episiotomy and keilands forceps to get dd out, took ages to be stiched, and then they sent dh away and left me with a BABY in a COT beside my bed! I was inconsolable and kept saying "but I can't do anything with her, I just need to sleep, I can't look after her, please let me sleep, don't go!"
Anyway before dh left he managed to persuade the midwives station to look after dd while I slept and only bring her back to me if she needed feeding - so i managed to get about 3 hours of semi-sleep all the while thinking "I hope they don't bring her back to me - god, I'm such a terrible mother but I don't care, I just want to sleep..."

childbirth is really a traumatic process isn't it.

good news is that for me anyway childbirth the second time around is much less physically taxing (don't have all that pushing for starters ) and the whole thing of being left with a baby isn't so terrifying (now that you know they don't bite). Otherwise - have it at home (I did this for number 3, highly recommended) or try and get out of hosp as soon as poss afterwards? But don't worry, I really don't think it will be as bad the second time around...

Katemum Tue 07-Jun-05 18:20:41

I felt much the same and opted for a home birth for my second. Was the perfect decision for me.

Socci Tue 07-Jun-05 18:24:40

Message withdrawn

Nimme Tue 07-Jun-05 18:37:54

Get out asap. I spent 4 days in with first one and less than 12 hours following no 2 (make sure you have some help at home otherwise you'll never get some sleep

If not possible do you have really good friend/sister/Mum.. who could help look after you/stand up for you when DH has to leave??

Good luck

Nimme Tue 07-Jun-05 18:39:41

If straight forward birth just tell them you are going. I hadn't even seen paediatrician but made appt to come back for that. Tea and toast on my own sofa was just so much more appealing.

aloha Tue 07-Jun-05 19:16:37

They sent my dh home while I was actually in LABOUR. I was all on my own with no painrelief, no midwife care and no husband in the dark, all night. Bastards.
If you could do caesarians at home, I'd be all for it! The kitchen table has to beat Kings for ambience at least.
Felt so abandoned it wasn't true.

WideWebWitch Tue 07-Jun-05 19:17:57

I can't believe they send husbands home, it's cruel. Mp, have you considered a doula if you don't want a home birth?

hub2dee Tue 07-Jun-05 19:26:44

At our hospital, partners visiting hours are 10am - 8pm. I think it's fu**ing outrageous, tbh.

OK, mum's doing the physical work, but I'd hope dps / dhs are giving great support and we also want to make sure dw and new baby are both OK for the first few hours / days. We're also having a new baby.

I'm sure the nurses / mws would be less stressed too, as so many 'bedside calls' are for things that a partner could help with / do if he were there.

If it's not what certain women want, or doesn't fit in with family arrangements / childcare, that's different, but I, for one, would like to be given the choice.

aloha Tue 07-Jun-05 19:29:22

Mind you, when I was in with ds and dd, I was pathetically grateful when visiting time was up as I yearned for quiet, dark and sleep, not endless loud talking, so that's the alternative view. In a single room, 24 hour visiting is fine, but in an open ward, it can be hell.

Mud Tue 07-Jun-05 19:40:29

what a sad indictment of modern midwifery and true

hub2dee refuse to leave, they won't make you

morningpaper Tue 07-Jun-05 19:47:15

Thanks so much for your responses, they are REALLY helpful.

There are complicated political reasons to do with DH why a home birth is not possible - to be honest I think I would be in two minds about this anyway.

My feeling now is that I will ask to be 'released' as soon as possible.

Thanks so much for your experiences - keep 'em coming.

jessicasmummy Tue 07-Jun-05 19:49:20

When I had dd, I was induced. They took me in at 6pm to start me off. They then wanted to send DH home at 8pm.... NO WAY! It was my first baby, we lived 25 miles from the hospital and dh doesnt drive.... i was already in a side room, so i basically said, he's not going anywhere! He got to stay on the basis he didnt make it obvious to other patients he was there. I ended up having dd at 2.49am, by the time they got me sorted and round to post natal, it was 5.30am. I was absolutely hyper, didnt want to sleep, basically wanted a bath and then home. They sent DH home! My mum picked him up at 6am only to bring him back at 10am for the start of partner visiting. They finally let me out at 3pm just in time for mum and dad to turn up so we all went home. I got so much more rest at home!

Considering HB this time, but not sure. Thats on a whole other thread though!

Blackduck Tue 07-Jun-05 19:53:14

H2D 10.00-8.00 wow we had 2.00 - 8.00! I used to spend the mornings climbing the walls. Was in 5 days with ds. Had him at 7.00, and dp was thrown out at about 8.30 and I was taken up to the ward on my own, epidural still stuck in the back of my hand and tubes taped to my back! (not removed until about midnight...!) I'd at least go for a private room second time round...and I'd get out pdq...

starshaker Tue 07-Jun-05 19:59:20

when i had dd i was in hosp from the thurs to the tues. i was the opposite i couldnt wait for every1 to leave so i could have her all to myself. i was lucky and she slept loads so managed to get sleep and it wasnt a long labour (only 3.5 hours) so didnt loose much sleep in that bit.

bakedpotato Tue 07-Jun-05 20:04:01

Pay for a side room if you can, and take a radio and headphones, so the room feels yours (this worked for me, anyway).

For no2, I also packed foam earplugs, which in all modesty was a genius decision. I kept one in all night after the birth, which siphoned off the worst of the noise of trolleys/phones ringing/swing doors swinging etc, without screening out DS's mewlings. I managed about 6 hrs, interrupted by feeds. With DD three years earlier, I was awake all night. Very different experience.

Tipex Tue 07-Jun-05 20:10:14

Fran 1, just have to say about your comment that GPs arent baby experts....the paeds who do the discharge checks are SHOs usually in their first 6 month placement therefore may have only started doing checks that day! All Gps will have had to do said 6 month placement during their GP training and also see numerous children every day at work. The 6 week check that GPs do every week is essentially the same as the newborn check anyway! Sorry, not trying to be arguementative, just that you shouldnt feel baby isnt getting checked properly if the Gp does it!!

foxinsocks Tue 07-Jun-05 20:19:49

I felt a bit overwhelmed the first time round - had to stay overnight on a big ward (I think it was either 12 or 16 beds) as I gave birth in the evening and dd screamed all night and I got no help at all from the midwives. I'd never been so pleased to see dh as I was the next morning and I escaped asap.

Second time round, I told the midwives I didn't want to stay long (if everything went OK). I was put on a 6 bed ward (different hospital) that was lovely and quiet and I actually managed a sleep. As many have said, you're so pleased to get a rest (with a toddler at home) that you might as well put your feet up! When I woke up (a few hours after I'd given birth), they told me I could go if I wanted so I did.

If everything goes well with a second delivery, I think you'll probably find the midwives are quite relaxed about letting you go.

Blu Tue 07-Jun-05 20:27:47

I was distraught because we had to stay in because DS had to be on anti-biotics. By the second night I realised that if i went to intercept the late night drugs trolley to ask for painkillers, and then put the curtains round the bed, then we wouldn't be disturbed. DP slept heat to toe on my bed!

After that I had my own room - because I freaked out, basically, (lack of sleep, baby on anti-biotics and investigatiuons into his leg)- and they gave DP a mattress for the floor!

Don't know if you can adopt any of those strategies?

Very intrigued as to the 'political' reasons!

soapbox Tue 07-Jun-05 20:34:55

Both my babies were born around midnight. Hospital 1 with lovely midwife knew he would be chucked out so let us stay in the delivery suite until he was desparate to go home for some sleep (around 4.30am). Second hospital and not so nice midwife chased us out of the delivery suite and back to the ward and he was not allowed to stay for even 10mins, even although we were in a single amenity room!

The whole attitude stinks TBH.

I'm just very glad it happened that way round in that I would have missed him so much more if it had been the first baby when I was feeling overwhelmed anyway for various reasons.

Funny ending to the story is that DH was propositioned by a lady of the night on his way back to the carpark Think he mumbled something about not being in the mood

kazoo Tue 07-Jun-05 21:17:25

I was actually sent back to the antenatal ward after having ds. He was born 6 wks early and was taken to scbu. So because he wasn't with me and the postnatal ward was heaving they felt it was better to send me to the antenatal ward. I didn't sleep a wink just lay awake listening to all the other women in labour and crying because I'd had my child but couldn't be with him. My partner was only allowed to visit between 2-3 and 6-8 and I was kept on this ward for 3 days. I couldn't leave because I'd had an emergency c-section and was still being monitored for severe pre-eclampsia. Eventually got my own room on postnatal ward but I still feel ill when I think about it even now.

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