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Childbirth

Having mum at the birth?

16 replies

gemstones · 01/09/2009 21:56

Evening

I am expecting my 3dc and would really like my mum to be there (she wasnt with the others), mainly for after ive given birth.
With my previous 2ds i was just left to get on with things, i had to carry my toiletry bags, aswell as my wee bag etc. It was such a struggle even to get in the bath (dh was at the other end of the delivery ward with ds).

So with this one i thought the it would be nice to have the extra support, problem is dh isnt too keen, he thinks its not fair if his mum cant be there! Sorry a bit long winded! Any advice please. Thankyou

OP posts:

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lou4791 · 02/09/2009 07:25

Hi,
i am in a slightly different situation. Second baby due any day and planning to have a home birth. My first baby was 13 years ago and as i was no longer with my partner, my mum was with me . This time i have my partner and my son who are going to be with me and it has never been mentioned by myself or my mum about her being there until 2 weeks ago when she told me she assumed she was going to be there. She will be more nervous of the whole birth thing than anyone else and is not the best support person, so if she was there it would be to spectate the birth of a grand child from my point of view. If it is just for this reason, then my mother in law should have the same privilidge I suppose. My partner has said he doesn't mind either way. I have left it up in the air and have said that if my son needs some extra support we'll give mum a call. I'm not usually selfish, but at this time , my needs in labour and therefore my choices are paramount. I think this applies the other way round to you. You feel you need your mum there to be a real support for you. The same does not apply to your mother in law. Your choice is paramount, and is no insult at all to your mother in law. Many mums of the labouring woman are birth partners, but very few mother in laws. Hope your husband can see this and tou can agree.
Lou x

rubyslippers · 02/09/2009 07:41

i think it is entirely up to YOU as the person in labour who you have at your birth

it is not about fair and who gets to have a turn - birthing is an intensely personal experience

there is no way, much as i love my MIL, that she would be at a birth

if you feel uptight or worried during labour then this will slow things down - on that basis alone you need to just have the people you want there

on this occasion, your DH really doesn't get a say ...

liath · 02/09/2009 07:47

I agree with rubyslippers. When it comes to giving birth it is up to you and no-one else - perhaps you could suggest to your DH that he could try and insert a grapefruit up his arse with his MIL looking on to see if he'd like it .

My mum was at my second birth and she was a fabulous comforting presence. MIL on the other hand would not have been!

moopymoo · 02/09/2009 07:53

at thought of mil seeing me give birth. Your show, you pick the audience.

tutu100 · 02/09/2009 07:56

My mum was at my first birth (although only at the end for the actual birth part). But she was fantastic afterwards as both dp and I were absolutely knackered. She held ds1 whilst dp and I tried to get a bit of sleep. She got me food and drink and she helped me get bf started.

Sadly she couldn't be with me for the birth of ds2 as she had to work and then she had ds1 for me, and I really missed her. Also I didn't really trust dp not to drop ds2 or do something stupid whilst I went and had my shower.

However MIL whilst lovely, unless there was noone else around would never have been at the births. My MIL is great, but no way would I want her to see me in labour or giving birth. I could loose my inhibitions in front of the midwives (I wasn't going to see them again), but I wouldn't have been able to relax with MIL there.

I think you just need to explain this to your dp.

cluckyagain · 02/09/2009 07:56

I suspect that his Mum would probably not want to be there either!! Most MIL's would be delighted to be invited to see the new baby quickly....not so many would want to see the exit!

Grandhighpoohba · 02/09/2009 08:50

My mum was there, but as an additional support to me, not because she wanted to view the birth of a grandchild. It sounds like your dp doesn't understand why you want your mum there. He needs to get his head round the fact that during birth, you are not an equal partnership, with equal rights and needs! He is there to support you. Maybe you should find him a video of birth online to watch and then explain that this is not something you wish to do in front of his family.

If you wanted your best friend to be there, would he want his to get an invite too? Its birth, not a day trip to the zoo!

Agree, with other posters, its your choice, not his. If he gets arsey about it, might be worth reminding him that his invite is not automatic.

slushy06 · 02/09/2009 09:01

I thought my mil would kick off but for all her other faults this isn't one of them she had not been allowed to attend either of her daughters birth for the reason your husband said however when I told her she said 'great that is how it should be dont worry about me', so does he even know if his mam will feel left out.

Also as wonderful as watching a women give birth is it is tiring for the women and as a birthing partener imo you are there only to support the women who is in pain and needs help. Perhaps remind him that after birth you are in pain and would like someone to help you while he is off with the baby. Why was he at the other end of the ward we stayed in the delivery suite and there was a cot for both my children to be put in so I could be helped.

crokky · 02/09/2009 09:08

It's not about being "fair", ie your mum his mum etc, it's about you having the support you need. You are the one giving birth so you get to choose IMO.

My mum was at the birth of my 1st and my mum looked after my 1st whilst I had my 2nd. Honestly, I get on fine with MIL, but having her at the birth, well, it's just not on. I doubt your MIL would actually want to.

slushy06 · 02/09/2009 09:08

I would also remind him that as you are the one undergoing something scary and painful you should be his priority not your mil but if he really is worried about his mam feeling left out then maybe he could give his place to her meaning you get the help you need and no one feels left out. But it wont come to that it might just make him see sense and realise your mils feelings are not really that important in this matter.

tw888 · 02/09/2009 11:52

my mum and my dh were there with me and it was great! it was a loooong labour but their support made it easier for me to go through it. it was good for them too as they could take turns to have a break every now and then without leaving me alone.

tw888 · 02/09/2009 11:54

oh i forgot - they both watched the birth, encouraged me to concentrate & push when i was too tired to do so and at the end they hugged each other and cried

Mamazon · 02/09/2009 11:59

with DS i could have sold tickets.
there was xp, my mum, his mum and his aunt that i had only met for the first time during labour!

but it was such a long and traumatic labour i couldn't care less if the pope was in there with me.

with DD it was just xp and my mum.
I think i was glad she was there as xp was so useless and i was scared after DS' birth and a very difficult prgnancy.

at the end of the day, you are the one giving birth and you should be able to have anything you want to make you feel more at ease.

nickelbabe · 02/09/2009 12:03

i would want my mum to be there.
and definitely not MIL: that's just insane!
The reason your mum qualifies to be at the birth of your children is because she gave birth to you! your MIL can be there when DP gives birth, not when you do!

I would firmly explain this to your DP and hope that he can see past this "my mum should come too" childishness.

your mum will be the best help you can get at such a time: she knows what you're going through and she loves you.

ZacharyQuack · 02/09/2009 12:17

There's nothing fair about giving birth.

sausagerolemodel · 02/09/2009 12:18

your Mum gave birth to you and has wiped your bum and cleaned up your sick. You have probably turned to her in times of need all through your life. Most women do not have that close a relationship with their MIL. It is you who will be in a vulnerable situation, naked, perhaps out of control. I didn't want my MIL to see me poo, but I didn't mind my Mum seeing it. Your husband has no argument (and I am not sure I understand why your Mum would be most nervous when she has actually watched and supported you through labour and childbirth before? But I may have misunderstood something)

During my birth my DH was my main partner but Mum did all the really amazing support work of making sure the p[ool was the right temp, getting bits of food and juice etc. When the baby was crowning I held onto her and DH delivered the baby, so although she wasn't the primary birth partner, she was busy and involved and able to provide much appreciated support during the process.

But the main thing is to have the birth you want with the people that you want there.

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