Was it right to have both your partner and mother at your delivery?

[Sn0wflake]

Hello,

Would be very grateful if people could spell out the positives and negatives. I know everybody's relationships are different and I can't read across your experiences to mine....but maybe you can give me a bit of clarity.

I love my mother and we have a close and open relationship and I thought I wanted her to be at the birth of my first child as well as my DH. She visited recently and I had a massively stressful emotional time with her. She has a much more pushy personality than me and I wonder if it is a mistake to have her there and that I will just be more stressed.

DH just wants what is best for me but has mentioned that we have an emotional relationship and he hopes that doesn't come up.

Really not sure what to do.

Thanks

[FluffyBunnyGoneBad]

I wouldn't want my mother looking at my fanjo!!

[Sn0wflake]

My mother is a bit of a hippy and has seen a few women give birth and saw my fanjo when I was younger, FluffyBGB, so that doesn't bother me .

[IDreamOfJeannie]

Are you having a hospital or home birth?

My mum and DH were both there at my labour. I had a hospital birth and on the whole, I really appreciated my mum being there as my labour was very long and complicated and it meant that DH and my mum could take it in turns to go for a sleep (in the car or waiting room!) or for food /drink from the cafe, and I was never left on my own.

Also my mum was more helpful than DH, (obviously as she had done it before) and helped me use the gas and air and to breathe properly.

However, my labour went wrong at the end - it was discovered that DD was in a bad position and her heartbeat kept slowing down. My mum got v upset and started crying

This didn't bother me though, I would have cried too if I could have (was totally beyond emotion at this point).

The midwife was very firm with her and told her to go for a cup of tea

It does depend on your relationship with your mum though, I suspect I have a fairly good relationship with mine.

[FluffyBunnyGoneBad]

It's up to you really. You can give her strict orders of what to do or what not to do, it depends on how much you wish your mum to be involved though. I had a couple of friends (and a medical student) at ds's birth, I think you get to a point where you don't really care who's in the room.

[IDreamOfJeannie]

PS. you say she is pushy - this can be a useful thing in for a hospital birth. She will be good at standing up for you and your wishes for your birth / birth plan, which can be hard to do yourself when in labour.

[mosschops30]

I would rather be on my own than have my mother present during childbirth.
But I suspect it depends on your relatrionship

[RhinestoneCowgirl]

Had my mum and DH there when DS was born (home) and it was great. Like IDreamofJeannie, I was in labour for a while and they sort of did shifts sitting with me while I mooed through contractions.

My mum was delighted to be asked and kept checking with me that it was ok - she said she didn't want to come between me and DH. If you have a close relationship with your mum then just talk to her about what sort of suport you need.

[raindroprhyme]

I had my mum with me for the births of my 2 DS's.

I chose to have her there as well as my partner because she knows me very well, and is very aware of my control issues. I felt confident that she would make sure I understood everything that was happening before decisions were made. I was confident she would be capable of being objective if anything went wrong and would tell me something needed to happen if I was being unreasonable and I would take it from her.

We discussed it at length before hand and she was happy to leave if we wanted her too at any point and same for her if she needed to leave then that was fine.

I am planning a home birth this time and think at the moment I will not have her attend. I am yet to have a conversation with her about tho.

I feel if I transfer to hospital I will get her to meet us there as I see her role in supporting me if there is a problem. If I am at home then there is no problems so don't need her.

Would much rather have her come in the morning(have laboured at night previously) and the baby be here or her be on hand to entertain the older boys or allow DH to entertain them. So she needs to have had a good sleep, also so she can look after me post birth make tea and toast etc.

HTH
Was quite good for me to right it down clearer in my head what I need to speak to her about now.

I think you have to have the discussion before hand and be clear if you need her to leave she does.

My Mum loved being present at the birth of her grandchildren and cut the cord of DS2. She is tho very aware it was a privilige to be there and altho i am sure she wil be disappointed at my decision this time she respects it is my decision.

[Sn0wflake]

I am giving birth in the midwife led unit at the local hospital and I thought she would be a good person to stand up for me and also show me how to breast feed. Also the point of giving my DH a bit of down time seemed good too.

I am just a bit worried that she can be too pushy sometimes. Has a tendency to talk her head off and get on my nerves. She means well but sometimes I just want her to shut up for a minute.

Oh dear I am really not sure. I think it will be great with her there if I can just stop finding her so annoying.

[TheHappyCat]

Hi,
I had my mum at the birth of my first baby. My mum was a fabulous support to me as she was behind me when I felt monitoring was holding up my labour, and that I did not need a drip (I was induced) - whereas my husband was cautious and wanted to follow the registrar's advice. Having my mum there gave me the courage to stick to what I felt was the right course and my baby was born straightforwardly and within a very short time after that conversation, with no further interventions. She was brilliant. However not once would she ever try to push me into things, although she can be tough when she needs to be! I wanted her there as my DH is not very good with hospitals and the sight of blood etc, although he was much better than I gave him credit for!
I think if you feel you may need her then it is a good idea to have her on hand. As raindrop says it would be a good idea to agree that she would leave at any time if required, without any problem or difficulty, or not to be upset if you tell her to be quiet or stop talking! If you think she could agree to these things without upset, why not.

[anonandlikeit]

My mum, sister & dh along with stufdent Dr & 2 midwives.

Not exactly what we planned, but people just kept turning up & popping in to say hello 7 ended up staying.

It depends on your relationship, i really wanted to swear but was aware my mum was there.
I don't suppose it was very dignified but TBH i think i was beyond careing,
they were all much more emotional than me when he finally popped out, so from their point of view it ws lovely... I just wanted drugs!

[MiniMarmite]

Hi Sn0wflake

I had my Mum and DH at DS's birth. We initially considered it when we heard that women supported by a female they are comforatble with tend to have shorter labours requiring fewer interventions.

I didn't ask Mum for ages because I thought she would feel awkward and I thought we might too but when we asked her she said yes straight away. I think she was a little concerned about imposing on our private moments but it wasn't like that at all (after all there were plenty of other people in the room besides DH anyway)! In the end she held DS before DH did. It just happened that way and no one minded at all!

DH found her presence a great help. They could work as a team, reassure one another and jointly reassure me. The idea was that each of them might be able to take a break but neither of them did in the end.

I would definitely want Mum there next time. It made the whole experience easier for me and I love the fact that she saw DS the instant he was born.

[MiniMarmite]

Sorry, also meant to say (in light of your concenrs about her being pushy etc) was that we went through my birth plan together in great detail before the birth so that Mum understood my wishes and could speak on my behalf without her own views getting in the way.

[Mumcentreplus]

At my first birth I had my mum and DH they were both supportive in their own way and pushy helps in hospital because I'm quite a calm person and not a screamer I would have been forgotten if my mother wasn't there..

a funny moment was when I kept kicking off the sheet had my legs wide open and my mum kept putting it back! I think she was a bit because of my DH.. I kept thinking 'He's already seen it close up love it's too late for that!'
I would have laughed if I wasn't in pain ..
my second birth she was there outside it was comforting to have her there.. but she did not come in with us because she could sense we could do it on our own this time

[Wilts]

I had my mum and Dh present for the birth of Ds2. It was fine until she said ' I have never seen piles that size before'

It was good she was there for Dh as well, because I had quite a big bleed after and she was able to calm DH, who was on the verge of fainting

[SheWillBeLoved]

Had both my DP and mum there. The plan was for her to stay until it was time for me to push, and then it was just going to be me and DP for the delivery. At the time though, I wouldn't let go of her hand, and even at 23, having her stroke my head and tell me how well I'm doing/how proud she is was lovely very comforting to have somebody there who has been through it all before. DP appreciated her there too as it meant that he could take a breather when it all got a bit too much for him and his delicate stomach

[rubyslippers]

you can always ask her to leave the unit if it is not going well ...

i had my mum and DH there and they were excellent - mum is coming to the next birth as well

BUT you need someone there who will support you and not be a drain on your emotions and strength

[4andnotout]

I had my mum with me for the births of all 4 dd's she is much more pracical than wimpydp who always ends up grey and sweaty.

[Hollyoaks]

Hi Snowflake, I had dh and my mam there for the birth of dd. I did lean on dh for support (physically and mentally) more than my mam but we wanted it to be about us really. Anyway my mam was helpful with the practical stuff, paying for parking, keeping family informed, keeping dh topped up with sugar, but when my labour became complicated and I had an emergency ventouse delivery she couldnt stay in the room and left in tears. Mind you I didnt realise that until after dd was born

[ladyofshallots]

I had my mum and dh there for my home birth. She was great during the labour, but when I was in the bath immediately afterwards decided that dh had spoken to her harshly (she was asking me where something was while I was still woozy from the birth and he told her to leave it till later) and then complained to me about it. I remember trying to calm her doown as she was threatening to leave in a strop by saying: 'I've just had a baby.' I was embarrassed by her behaviour in front of the midwives.

ds1 is due in October and my mum will not be at the birth!

[MrsTittleMouse]

It depends on what kind of births your Mum had, in my opinion. My Mum is lovely and would want to support me and follow my birth plan exactly. But she had a dreadful time at my delivery (posterior labour, forced onto her back in agony, ended up with a forceps delivery with no pain relief) and not a great one with my brother (he came too fast and had the cord wrapped around his neck twice).

So even though she is lovely, she would have been very concerned about me, and wouldn't have been able to stay positive about the birth. I was very sensitive to environment and would have been seriously put off by someone quietly panicking about me in the corner.

[roxy12]

Let your mum no how you feel, if you want her there then explain what you want and dont want her to do.

I only had my partner there, it was our special moment to share with each other.

I didnt want my mum there.

its your choice.

good luck

[Sn0wflake]

Thank you so much for all your replies. I am still swinging back and forth every day. MrsTittleMouse, my mother had three natural births without pain relief and so may be a good motivational force as I think I would prefer no pain relief.

I have tried to explain that I want her to listen to me a bit more and to stop fussing around me. I know for a fact that she was very able in her pregnancies and yet seems to be continually expect me to just sit around....I find it very strange.

I suppose I think that I want the calm, capable her at the birth - not the nervous, chatterbox who doesn't pick up on what I'm trying to say to her. I know she can be both.

Perhaps I should write her an e-mail saying what I want from her. But before that I think I'll write the pros and cons list of having her there. Try and get my own thinking in order.

Thank you