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Nervous about mum not being there

(13 Posts)
LissyGlitter Wed 05-Aug-09 11:51:01

I am 23 weeks with my second DD. My first birth was horrendous, midwives not believing I was in labour and trying to send me home, then eventually being persuaded to examine me and I was 10cm and the baby was breech so emergency section with various complications, prem baby, jandice, dehydration, blood transfusions for me, etc.

For the labour, I had my DP and my mum with me, and they took shifts to hold my hand, chat to me, stand up for me and so on, they were both amazing. A couple of times the midwives tried to give them both a rest and sit with me and were utterly rubbish, one student seemed actually scared of me when I had a contraction!

Now I live at the other side of the country to my mum, and as she works full time and is a carer for my grandparents, she won't be able to be there for the birth.

As it is a VBAC (hopefully) I might need more standing up for, and I am absolutely petrified of the birth. DP is being lovely, but, well for a start he has never given birth and my mum has had three of us. Also my mum is a nurse so she knows how to "work the system" a bit. Plus my DP is being a bit simplistic about the whole pain relief thing, just saying that he will insist that I be allowed an epidural. I have tried to run through the reasons the midwives might not allow one and which reasons are bollocks, but I'm not sure how much he has taken in. Don't get me wrong, he is being very supportive, I just don't think he really actually knows what is likely to happen. We didn't get antenatal classes due to DD being early and none this time due to it being our second baby.

Plus, if I'm going to be in pain I WANT MY MUMMY! DP has suggested his mum, but whilst she is lovely, I wouldn't really like her to see me staggering about naked, covered in blood and other fluids, and screaming obscenities!

Does anyone have any tips for going through labour with only a DP as a birth partner?

pooter Wed 05-Aug-09 11:53:38

well, on the advice of a friend, i am going for hypnobirthing lessons before i have this one (dc2) as i had such a horrendous time with DS. Have you thought about it at all? Im hoping it will stop most of my fear and give me a bit of confidence that i can do this!

LissyGlitter Wed 05-Aug-09 12:02:20

Whats the price range of hypnobirthing? I'm pretty skint (as in struggling to pay this months rent and so on) and so can't really afford to spend much on something that isn't definitely going to work. Plus I doubt very much that DP would approve. Then again, he's not the one that has to give birth!

TheProfiteroleThief Wed 05-Aug-09 12:04:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pooter Wed 05-Aug-09 12:12:48

its quite expensive i think - about £200 for the course. you could always just get a hypnosis cd - i got one off ebay for a couple of quid

CMOTdibbler Wed 05-Aug-09 12:20:33

Doula UK have a hardship fund so that women who want a doula but can't afford one can.

They will advocate for you, support you etc. Certainly made the world of difference to me.

lal123 Wed 05-Aug-09 12:36:01

How exactly do ou think your Mum is able to "work the system?"

I only had my DP as partner - but was lucky because everything was straightforward.

LissyGlitter Wed 05-Aug-09 12:37:27

The doula thing seems like it could be a good idea, but wouldn't they disapprove of me wanting as much pain relief as possible?

I flip between wanting to run off to a forest and give birth surrounded by supportive women chanting, and wanting to be knocked out and presented with a clean baby when I wake up!

LissyGlitter Wed 05-Aug-09 12:42:47

lal123- I'm not actually sure, I just felt that she wouldn't be overwhelmed by all the medical equipment and doctors and that. I don't actually think it made much difference, but with her being a nurse, all my life I have asked her opinion on medical stuff, and it would feel odd not having her there. She's not even a medical nurse, she's a mental nurse, so it makes even less sense, but I go a bit simple when I'm scared!

CMOTdibbler Wed 05-Aug-09 12:43:10

No, they are there to support the birth you want. Mine visited me at home 3 times before I had DS (and would have been in another couple of times if he hadn't been impatient), and really took the time to know me, our history, and what I wanted. That meant that when my 'birth centre waterbirth' birth couldn't happen and I got consultant led continuous monitored on the bed, she made that the best it could be, and helped me make the most of the gas and air etc

mrsmusic Wed 05-Aug-09 13:18:20

I'd love to have my Mum there too as well as my husband (due this Saturday!) but only allowed one birthing partner at our hospital.

slushy06 Wed 05-Aug-09 17:26:21

Lissyglitter I gave birth to my second child 2 weeks ago at the first I had my mum and dp present and like you they refused to examine me and then discovered I was 10 cms luckily everything went straightforward from there and I gave birth naturally so I understand different to your birth.

This time I had only dp in the room mw only came to check every 30 mins. However they listen more as it is a second and I found it was much more relaxed and intimate being just me and dp in the room. It kind of made it special and my dp didn't pay much attention to pain relief choices either but he was really great I think when my mum was there he didn't really know what was his place to do.

At first I was scared like you but if I were to have a third I would not have my mum there as I prefered it just me and dp.

I hope all goes well for you.

MummyDragon Wed 05-Aug-09 21:03:55

Lissy, I had hypnotherapy before the birth of my 2nd child (had a horrendous first labour too) and it was really, really helpful. The best thing is to go on google or yell and look up hypnotherapists in your area. They should be able to make a CD that you can listen to at home, customized to your requirements so to speak.

I have given birth with only my DP present and he has nooooooo medical training and nooooo conception of what happens to a woman's body during labour, and it was fine, don't worry. I agree with slushy - the midwives listen to you more the second time, and if you want pain relief, tell them as soon as you get to hospital and then keep insisting (and make sure DP keeps insisting too). However, you may not need it. Seriously!! I had an epidural first time round, but didn't have one the second time, and it was FINE, honestly, not nearly as bad as I had expected.

I understand that you're probably more scared this time than you were first time around. All I can say is that when your labour starts, you won't be - nature will kick in. (And I am saying this despite being the biggest advocate for epidurals on demand!!).

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