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Too hormonal to cope with disapproval over c/s :(

(50 Posts)
ChocFudgeCake Wed 22-Jul-09 23:51:50

I few weeks ago I decided to go for a c/s. I had a birth injury a few years ago and never felt back to normal. I spoke to a couple of specialists and decided to have a caesarean this time. It was very difficult for me to arrive to a decision. DH is not very supportive, he would have liked that I try a vaginal birth hmm (well, HE can have the next baby!). Now, I have noticed that everytime that people ask when I'm having the baby and I tell them the day and it comes up in the conversation that I'm having a c/s, they have negative reactions. Of course I don't expect anyone to be enthusiastic about it (unless they had some 3rd degree tear themselves!), but it's bringing me down. I know I shouldn't feel like this or care, I'm so grateful that I'm having the baby.
Anyone experienced something similar?

LackaDAISYcal Wed 22-Jul-09 23:57:27

I think you should just ignore it and know that you are doing what's right for you.

I had a CS with my DD when there was no real medical reason why I shouldn't have gone for a vaginal birth, even though I had had a previous section. It was the right decision for me and my family at the time, and I don't regret it.

I've since gone on to have another DC via vaginal birth and both options were equally enriching birth experiences.

If it's getting to you though, just tell them that it'll be around <insert your due date here>, and leave it at that.

Good Luck smile

skidoodle Wed 22-Jul-09 23:58:45

No, but feeling very cross on your behalf. What you decide with your doctor is not open for negative reaction. You will be having your precious baby, and that is what counts. Sorry you're feeling so unsupported

I hope you have a lovely experience this time around. My (emergency) cs wasn't too bad, but I've heard some great stories from women who had planned ones.

ChocFudgeCake Thu 23-Jul-09 00:11:01

Thanks LackaDAISYcal and skidoodle I'm trying to ignore the bad reactions, but I do find the need to have a rant to let it out and carry on. Unfortunately DH is not available for this. Thanks God there is Mumsnet!
Recently my friend said "C/s? oh dear that doesn't sound very exciting" I told her "Of course, the exciting thing is to HAVE the baby!". I'm having a big baby and someone else said "Well, X had a big bay and she managed well". And this stupid feeling of inadequacy creeped on me.angry

Whitetara Thu 23-Jul-09 00:45:56

I also had a third degree tear and can completely sympathise with why you want a section. People can be so ignorant, and frankly you don't owe them any explanation as how you choose to have your baby is your private business, especially as it's about your 'down there' area.

You have every right to have a section, and they have no right to even question that. I'm sorry that you have had this reaction and hope that your next birth goes the way you hope. Do what is right for you and try and ignore other people's "advice".

Ozziegirly Thu 23-Jul-09 07:16:15

FFS.

If someone said that to me I would comment "well, a third degree tear to my vagina was, I suppose, "exciting", but I decided to avoid the years of incontinence, pain and agonising sex life this time around". (exaggerate as necessary).

I don't even have a child and I wouldn't dream of commenting on someone else's birth choice - what is wrong with people?

olivo Thu 23-Jul-09 08:32:25

CFC, i have experienced similar negative reactions, when telling people i hope for an elec cs. Many know what a traumatic time I had with DD,who was very poorly when born but seem to have conveniently forgotten that. I started out feeling inadequate and thinking maybe i should 'have a go' but to be honest, my pg has thrown up so many problems, i just want him/her out safely and no longer care what people think ( well, ok i do a bit blush)

My CS is by no means confirmed but i have started being vague about the baby's arrival date and dont mention CS.

i really hope your DH comes around and you have great birth experience that results in a safe delivery for both of you. good luck.

LeninGrad Thu 23-Jul-09 11:04:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatyS36 Thu 23-Jul-09 11:34:01

I'd be inclinded to say:

I've been advised to have one for medical reasons, but its all a bit complicated and I'd rather not talk about it.

They are being unhelpful / insensitive (many people are) but the above should shut them up.

skidoodle Thu 23-Jul-09 11:43:22

How on earth could having a baby not be exciting?

Honestly, what a stupid and unfeeling thing to say.

There is nothing inadequate about you. You know that really, don't you?

Why shouldn't people be enthusiastic about it? You're going to have a baby, it's a very happy event.

quirkychick Thu 23-Jul-09 11:49:38

I agree with KatyS36.

LOL at Ozziegirly.

C/S is the operation that has saved more lives than any other (apparently) as it saves both mum's and baby's. After having a traumatic time before why shouldn't you have more control over your baby's birth this time around. People can be very funny about c/s as if it is a badge of honour to have a natural birth. That is fantastic if it is all straight forward, for some of us it isn't and we need medical intervention.

LuluMaman Thu 23-Jul-09 11:55:13

i'm really sorry to hear that

planned c.s can still be a wonderful and exciting experience.

you can take your own music into theatre for example.

you won't know what your baby is going to look like, how much he/she is going to weigh, how much hair etc.. so many things that you and your H can discover together

also, if you don;t know the sex, then you can ask for your H to be able to tell you and also request that he can trim the cord after the delivery...

just stop telling anyone the date

kitstwins Thu 23-Jul-09 11:58:02

I hate c sections as I had a crap emergency one that was hideous and healing complications afterwards but I KNOW that an elective is a whole different ball game and experience - hugely better on the body. I've never experienced vaginal birth and a third degree tear (so this is speculative on my part), but if I had I'm pretty certain that I would veer towards an elective too second time around. Tearing (and the healing afterwards) is no small peanuts and the risk of tearing again and the complications that can arise as a result are not to be taken lightly.

You've every right to have the birth that is right for you in the circumstances. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but their own opinion about what THEY would do, not what they think you should be doing. It's your body, your baby, your birth. I suggest you cut your husband between his testicles and his anus and then suggest HE pushes 8lbs of cross newborn out and see how he feels about it all. Men! Sheeesh!

Honestly? You're making the right choice for you in the circumstances. It's not always a black and white, obvious solution so the fact that you've balanced your options and are happy with your decision is fantastic. Let no one else sway you. Your choice is informed and one you're happy with and that is what matters. The naysayers and teeth suckers can b*gger off and fuss over their own delivery choices.

Good luck and I hope you have a really great experience.
Kitstwins

skidoodle Thu 23-Jul-09 12:15:38

Having an elective section isn't just some choice that people make, like whether to have music playing or to use gas and air.

It's a medical decision that is made with a doctor. It is extraordinary that anyone thinks it is OK to comment on something like that.

Would you ever hear someone saying that passing kidney stones naturally was "more exciting" than having them removed via surgery?

If you told someone you were going to have surgery of any other kind, they would assume it was because you needed it. Why is it any different with a CS?

There is a very strange bossiness that goes on with regard to pregnant women and it is something that women should be more alert to, rather than going along with it. It does none of us any good if it is considered acceptable for our private medical treatment to be discussed as though it was something for a decision by the public.

Reallytired Thu 23-Jul-09 12:42:09

Empowerment is making informed decisions for yourself. You have spoken to specialists and you know what your body is like in labour. We all have a different set of circumstances and what is right for one woman is not right for another. It is why the NHS offers different types of care.

My birth choices were totally the opposite to yours, but I can synpathise in that my inlaws were horrendous about me choosing to have a homebirth.

I think women are happier when they get what they want. I don't understand why people get so bothered by other people's choices. The main thing is that you have a healthy mother and a healthy baby.

BalloonSlayer Thu 23-Jul-09 13:03:56

Well ChocFudgeCake - I think it's exciting, and I think it's positive!

I had a emergency CS with my first DS - cut a long story short, he was massive and I knew I wouldn't be able to have him normally, or if I did and by a miracle he was OK I would be ripped to pieces. No one I tried to talk to about it did anything but fob me off in a contemptuous/patronising fashion. I can't tell you what beautiful words "We're going to do a c-section" were to me, 24 hours after waters breaking, 10 hours on induction drip - it was like winning the lottery.

When I was pg with my next child, I had some fears and questions about VBAC (still often called then "trial of scar") but when I tried to voice them I got the same contemptuous/patronising attitude. I then thought: Fuck You, if you won't listen to me or talk to me like I have a brain I will just choose a caesarean with no discussion. I had one, then another with DS2, and found them both to be wonderful, exciting and altogether positive experiences.

My Mum often says that she "feels sorry" for women who don't experience real childbirth. Well I have experienced labour, and that was enough for me. I don't feel "inadequate" that I didn't give birth vaginally, I feel bloody lucky that it didn't come to that for me*... my sister who had a forceps delivery has suffered for years.

*DS1 was 9lb 9oz with a mahoosive head. If I had had DD or DS2 (who were both 6lb 13oz) first I suspect I would have had little trouble with them. But by the time they came along I had lost confidence in medical professionals' reassurances dismissiveness.

Sorry, this has been an epic post - only meant to post a quick message of support grin.

Chunkamatic Thu 23-Jul-09 13:49:17

It is shocking that people think they ought to have an opinion on this, but like most things they do!

If you trust that this is the right decision for you then stand by it.

There are lots of reasons why women go for elective sections, but i think that media potrayal in recent years means that people with little or no understanding assume it is because you are "too posh to push" or some other vain purpose.

It is a shame that your DH cannot be more supportive, i'm sure it would feel like it matters less what other people think if you felt he truely understood.

If it helps i think you are doing the right thing for you, your physical and mental wellbeing are far more important than fulfilling some imaginary rite of passage. Good luck and remember - you will forget about all these negative comments when you are holding your precious new baby! smile

LeninGrad Thu 23-Jul-09 13:55:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChocFudgeCake Thu 23-Jul-09 15:52:21

Thanks everyone!!
It's lovely to have so many good vibes and reactions all of a sudden. Makes me feel stronger!

I have not spoken again to DH about this. I'm still upset that he is not supportive. And I agree it would be a different story if he was on my side and we just rolled our eyes at the negative comments together. He said a few times in the past that he has a much higher pain threshold than me, blah blah. Then I squeezed a pimple on his back and he screamed "That was so painful!"hmm I of course laughed my head off. Even MIL who normally is not very nice to me is being supportive now. I spoke to my dad yesterday and started crying and he was lovely, instead of telling me to pull myself together (that might have been on his mind), he was sweet and said that he had actually been reassured by my decision of the c/s, then told me to politely ignore stupid comments.

Now I'll try to think in a good CD to take into theatre. I'm enjoying the idea that it's planned so I'll be able to shave legs and bits and do my hair

paisleyleaf Thu 23-Jul-09 16:05:24

I had an elective c-section
They say 'elective', but there wasn't really any 'choice' involved for me (the placenta was totally obstructing the baby's way out so it was for medical reasons).
and really I think you can say medical reasons too with a birth injury. Especially as it's a decision made with consultation with medical professionals.
I was lucky and didn't experience any comment from others (unless they were all behind my back maybe)
Your dad sounds great, I can't believe the response from your DH. It sounds better for you and the baby to go down this route, you could find a natural birth very distressing now (and the specialists obviously think so too).
And also, I never felt I missed out in any way....bonding with baby, breastfeeding etc etc all fine
(I understand that an emergency c-section would be a completely different experience).
It is exciting.

LeninGrad Thu 23-Jul-09 16:08:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeninGrad Thu 23-Jul-09 16:10:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeninGrad Thu 23-Jul-09 16:13:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChocFudgeCake Thu 23-Jul-09 16:21:01

I did have bonding issues! The natural birth of DS left me in shock SO I'm looking forward to this experience!
I was going to shave only that top inch, well, was going to ask Dh to give me a hand. If we don't make up properly before the day, I'll have to use a mirror.

I can't believe your DH isn't supportive, honestly words fail me, the only thing that comes to mind is to tell him to go fuck himself but I do realise that wouldn't be helpful.

You are making the right choice to you. next time sometime is negative about it you could say something along the lines of "yes I know I'm a selfish cow who only thinks of herself" which should shut them up or at least make them to rush to explain their negative reaction.

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