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Is it wrong to feel so gutted?

(39 Posts)
staylucky Fri 26-Jun-09 02:19:14

Have been told in pretty much no uncertain terms that I will have to have a section in 2 weeks due to baby's position.

I'm trying really hard to get my head around it.

I don't want to cause my baby any harm, of course I want what's best.

I'm not saying that anyone who ever had a section got an easy option.

I'm just really totally disappointed in myself that for some reason I couldn't pull this off without help. After a failed ecv on Tuesday the midwife basically said that I should be thankful for the opportunity of a section because nature had a way of making descions for you. Meaning that left to my own natural devices my baby would suffer or die?!

I will of course go along with what i'm told because I could never face myself if they were right and something went wrong but I can't help feeling this way.

lulalullabye Fri 26-Jun-09 02:51:21

You have to rememeber that you are doing this fro your baby. Having a c section in no means changes the way that your lo will love you for being his mummy. Some babies just don't go to plan. Is this your first ? and if so you may have other opportunities to try again.

Please just look forward to seeing your lo. One of the advantages of a c section is that you will not be physically drained when your lo is born, so enjoy whichever way he/she comes out smile

Jacksmama Fri 26-Jun-09 04:37:26

I totally agree with lula. This is what's best for your baby. But I do know what you mean - we have certain expectations and when they're dashed, it's hard. It's not "wrong" to feel how you feel. There is no right or wrong here, these are your feelings and they are valid. You had a plan for how things were going to go and now your plan is shot and you're upset. Completely natural. BUT - and this is a big but - do not be disappointed in yourself and your body. Your wonderful marvelous body has been baking this baby for the last 36-odd weeks and has done a fantastic job keeping it safe and healthy and preparing for its birth. IF there were no alternative, your wonderful body would even try to get the baby out by itself - and who knows but it might? But breech births are horrendously complicated and risky - a hundred times more so with a first. You don't have to do that to yourself in this day and age. A hundred years ago, yes, and you might have been fine. Or not. But this is now, and a section is the best option for you, and it's all good. You'll be having a lovely wonderful baby, whether he or she comes out the sunroof or the porch door. So have a cry over it, because it is natural to be disappointed, but then just look forward.
Congratulations and all the best to you!!

<waves at lula> Hi, how are you??

SesHasFinallyBecomeAMum Fri 26-Jun-09 05:22:55

My DS will be 7 weeks tomorrow. I had to have a CS as he was lying oblique breech. I was gutted at first. I'd tried to do everything I could to gear up for natural labour - NCT classes, hypnobirthing CD, books, bouncing on gym ball. I felt cheated out of not going through my planned labour. It wasn't to be though.
I had 2 days notice and just about got my head round it in that time as the CS was definitely the safest option. Afterwards I did get a few comments like "I knew you were too posh to push", "aren't you lucky you didn't have to push him out!" and others. I didn't appreciate those comments at all but by then I'd reconciled myself to the fact that we'd done the best thing for our baby and other peoples comments didn't matter.

Good luck and congratulations!

CarmenSanDiego Fri 26-Jun-09 05:56:42

I agree with the others, but is there any possibility the baby might still turn spontaneously if you have two weeks left? Spinning Babies has more info on this.

But either way, don't feel a failure. I had an em CS with baby 1 and was gutted. Eventually had a home VBAC though... and I love my babies all the same. So this is a setback but in the grand scheme of things, there will be more opportunities and you will come to terms with it and have a lovely baby.

lulalullabye Fri 26-Jun-09 07:57:58

hijak alert !! <hi Jacksmama> very good, dropped the nasty shift at work so much relieved and more human grin.

Staylucky, take all the advice and I think acupuncture works for turning babies as well !

lulalullabye Fri 26-Jun-09 07:58:51

p.s I did hear somewhere that putting a radio in your knickers works, they then try to listen to the music and turn grin

sarah293 Fri 26-Jun-09 08:19:45

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MmeLindt Fri 26-Jun-09 08:31:19

I had a natural birth with DD and an emergency CS with DS. A few of my friends had planned CS for similar reasons to you and the difference between a planned and a crash section is massive.

They were up and about within a day, got back to normal reasonably fast. I was knocked for six for over a week. I could not sit up unaided for days. I had issues with the section, the fear that I felt when we realised that there was a problem and that the baby was in danger. The rush to the theatre, leaving DH in the labour suite not knowing what was going on. It was a horrible time.

A planned section means that you have time to get your head around it, you do not need GA so are much more aware and able to enjoy the first moments of your baby's life. You will recover faster.

By all means, try anything and everything to persuade your baby to turn. If it does not work, then you can still enjoy the birth experience, you just have to think of ways to make it special for you. Try not to focus on what you would have liked to have, but what you can have, a good birth and a healthy baby.

Maybe you and your DH could think of something to make the moment special for you. When DD was born, I replaced DH's wedding ring (that he had lost, the careless bugger) with a new one and we renewed our vows to each other. When we were alone in the room, I hasten to add, not in front our all our family.

staylucky Fri 26-Jun-09 09:54:49

Good morning lovelies,

Thank you for your kind messages am really touched. I just don't really have anyone other my DP (and a scary MW)to talk to about this and it's refreshing to get a new point of view.

This is my second baby, I had standard delivery 6 years ago and it was awesome. Really positive and uplifting experience. I'm sure if i'd had a terrible time of it i'd feel very differently

I'm in a new relationship this time around (don't baulk cause I do genuinely believe this)with my soulmate. Every minute we've spent together has been perfect and even at conception I knew this was so special. It has all been a pretty perfect pregnancy I guess so I imagine I sound a bit spoiled.

Yep in the grand scheme of things I just want to hold him in my arms now and know my little man is ok. What we all want.

*Mme Lindt* Thank you for the suggestion of something to make it special, I will have a really good think about this... about all your advice everyone thank you.

cory Fri 26-Jun-09 10:10:35

A section needn't be awful. I had an emergency section with my second- his heartbeat went down so had to be done for his sake. They put him on my chest straightaway, I had no problems with milk supply and it was all pretty relaxed. It is a good day to look back on, and to tell him about.

Just because one type of birth was a positive experience doesn't mean another totally different birth can't also be a positive experience. The good news is, you can plan around it and turn it into something beautiful.

Chynah Fri 26-Jun-09 22:22:53

Why should it make any difference HOW you have your baby? The important thing is that you will have them and love nurture them - the birth (however it happens) is one tiny part of that - you've got a whole lifetime to go!!

Have to say whilst a perfect VB may be the ideal (to some) there is no guarantee and some peoples sections are way better than some others VBs (specially recovery)- a section can be a lovely experience if you are positive about it.

You will do fine and so will your LO.

Take care.

hester Fri 26-Jun-09 22:27:19

staylucky, I do understand. I felt bitterly disappointed - almost traumatised - after having my emergency CS, even though I head was telling me it didn't matter, the only important thing is the baby etc.

Be kind to yourself. You will move on from these feelings.

Tangle Sat 27-Jun-09 10:03:10

DD was breech and I remember feeling so torn and confused on the best way forward. In the end we decided to go for a vaginal breech birth with IMs, but it wasn't an easy decision at all and you have to do what you feel comfortable with.

I've a friend who's wound up having both her DC by CS - the first as an emergency because he got stuck (MASSIVE head combined with a pelvis that didn't loosen) and the second planned (predicted large head and breech). She said that after being a bit traumatised by the emergency one, the planned CS was such a positive experience as she'd had time to prepare for it and come up with ways to make what was still the birth of their child a special experience.

Some articles I came across that made me see that a CS can be a lot more than an operation are linked below - there's all sorts of suggestions (many of which have been covered already, but I think there's some new ones as well) that you might like to consider:
Caesarean birth plan
more planning
"natural" ceasreans

FrannyandZooey Sat 27-Jun-09 10:07:24

any possibility of hiring an independent midwife? (i know £££££)
my friend had a natural breech birth with an independent midwife - she said was brilliant
CS is not the end of the world though - i have often thought planned CS sounds much more calm and pleasant for baby than, for eg, my ds1's birth which was failed ventouse and then forceps delivery - the state of his head my god!

christiana Sat 27-Jun-09 10:15:09

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Wheelybug Sat 27-Jun-09 10:35:15

Totally understand.

I've had 2 c-secs. My first wasn't a disappointment in that dd1 was high risk before delivery, induction failed, she needed to be out. I just thought we were lucky to have her.

My second c-sec really only happened because of my first. My pregnancy went fine - I'd imagine fairly text book. Then my hind waters broke at 39+4. I didn't go into labour and they only left me 36 hours before wheeling me in for a c-sec. I had done everything I could to prepare for a VBAC and really wanted it. Had I not had a previous c-sec they could have tried other methods. I was pretty disappointed but now 15 weeks on its fine. Part of me will always feel a bit disappointed that i never got to experience natural labour but I'm aware that natural labour isn't always a great experience.

Make sure you tell them what you want to happen. In my first i had no choices so I knew second time round that I wanted to be the one to see what sex dd2 was (first time round the anaesthetist finally told me when he went to look at the baby - even dh forgot to tell me in the heat of the moment !), we had the screen lowered so we saw her coming out (nothing gorey though !) and DH was allowed (encouraged in fact) to snap photos left right and centre so we have some lovely ones of her just born. He also chose the music. It was all pretty relaxed though.

There will always be people who will make comments about it being the easy option. I have nothing to compare it with but I did have one friend saying 'well its 10 minutes in the operating theatre' - er no its not. But it is only 10 minutes until the baby is born and then you don't notice the rest because its just so amazing smile.

Good luck. Hope all goes well.

thumbwitch Sat 27-Jun-09 10:44:47

staylucky, just wanted to add that sometimes reflexology can help turn the baby - althought there is no way of proving that it was due to the reflexology of course! I had a client whose baby was transverse lie at 38 weeks, she came for reflexology (she was a regular of mine) and as I worked the relevant points, she started to feel action in her abdomen. Next scan she had, the head was down and engaged and she had a VB.

Even if trying to turn the baby doesn't work out for you, focus on the end point - having a safely delivered baby is more important any day than how it came out.

Good luck and lots of ((((hugs))).

Jacksmama Sat 27-Jun-09 14:45:13

Are you feeling a bit better about it all?

And you will post a birth announcement, won't you? smile

mumblecrumble Sat 27-Jun-09 20:56:44

Think Tangle is right to express that C-section is more than an operation.

DD was breach so was thinking c-section then she turned so we let c-section go from our minds. We were then induced under consultant care then eventually cos she just wouldn;t budge we had a section. Was a surpirse but to be honest the overwhelming sense of mummyness took over the slight dissapointment.

I still wonder what it would be like to push one out!

If we had a planned one next time, like you are I would still make a burth plan and try to think, as tangel says, of it as a Birth rather than procedure.

You shoudl chat with your midwife/hospital dudes to see what is possible.

I didn't know that I could have, and will think about for next c-section

- been the first to find out sex
- have music in the room
- partner holding baby first instead of cutting cord [that was really special hat DH held the baby while I was being sorted out. He was telling all about how she looked and what time it was and how proud of me he was. It was [I suspect?!??!] as special as that final push feeling.
- Lots of skin to skin after birth, doing birth crawl, first feed etc

Also, some hospitals have option of moving to more pivate midwife led centre soon day after delivery.

A weird benefit of c-section i found was that I appreciated being in hospital longer. I got loads of help with feeding, had lots of visitors not in my messy home, DH was really well rested when I came home and it was nice to be looked after a bit. Also was really nice to hav other new mums to chat and havea laugh with. Though I missed DH in evenings - though lots of new bbay cuddles helped!

P.s [sorry to go on] I thought I'd feel a bit like I'd done the eay route by not pushing. PAH! I'm more proud of growing a baby inside me and keeping her alive and well for 2 years than of the way she was born,

P.S. DD turned at 41 weeks.... you never know!

mumblecrumble Sat 27-Jun-09 20:58:42

Also your buts feel fine and weeing doesn;t hurt.....

mumblecrumble Sat 27-Jun-09 20:59:08

Your bits I meant

LeninGrad Sat 27-Jun-09 21:10:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

staylucky Sun 28-Jun-09 22:10:10

Thank you, thank you

jacksmamma I am feeling much more positive thank you.

My top outcome will still be baby turning, so am concentrating on staying really up and focused on that. He has been wriggling about trying to turn but for some reason isn't quite managing it. Just have this feeling that it will become apparent once he's born what was stopping him.
Am going to try and have C sec booked for as late as possible to give him chance anyway

mumble the point about bits made me laugh, it is one distinct advantage..

The weekend has forced me to have a good think about the reality of the section if it's def needed, so i've been talking to my DD (5) about what mummy being in hospital will be like and sorting out help for DP. One massive plus would be that I know for sure that DD will be at school during the day.

We're all so excited about him getting here, i've packed and unpacked his hospital bag nineteen times. This is so different to my first pregnancy, I feel completely besotted with him already grin

Thanks again everyone, is really nice to speak to mums who understand what this point of carrying your baby feels like. The last few weeks are all just worrying and its hard sometimes to take that step back and chill. Have a good week everyone x

maryz Sun 28-Jun-09 22:27:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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