want another baby but pretty scared! (bit long)

[lilyrose123]

hi,
daughter is now 11 months old, and i'd love to have another baby, but my pregnancy and birth of 1st altho prob not worse case ever was bad for me.
during pregnacy i suffered constant nose bleeds resulting in nose being cortorised, and now having to have surgey cos still having them, heart palpitations, vomiting....a lot from 8 til 22wks then again from 28weeks, allergic to wedding rings, had big blisters all over fingers, plus the usual heartburn, swollen feet, bleeding gums, spots, dizzy attacks, insomnia etc, i never had that 'glow'!

but the birth....48 hours long and that was acclerated after 30hrs, 3failed epidurals before a different dr came on duty, pethidine 100mg did nothing, gas an air did nothing, kept trying to send my husband home which was upsetting, he passed out while i had blood taken and had to go a&e for several hours which is when i became a ball of snot and tears! he was eventually allowed back once i had called my friend and she assumed responsibility for him.

but what concerns me is that upon til they took me to labour ward to accelarate me (cos only 2cm) the only pain relief i could have was tens machine (which was turned up to the max on every dial!) paracetamol and codiene, did nothing or a bath, that also had no benefit for me, and i was in the most horrendous pain ever!
eventually after 47hrs and them taking blood from baby's head three times, they whisked me to theatre consented me for c section, (just in case), manually turned her round cos she had gone wrong way, used vontouse and a lot of determined pushing, an episiostomy and i managed to avoid a c section, but oh my goodness, i'm still scared!
i did want to have two children close together, and i've had other people actually tell me that childbirth is not that painful if you relax into it!!!! are you joking???
i thought i had a high pain threshold til i had my baby!

baby didnt feed properly and i had visits from midwifes and breast feeding consultants daily, for five days, no one could get her to feed, but no-one would tell me to use a bottle either, nipples were in right mess in the end, looking back dont know why i didnt make the decision earlier but think you bit hormonal and emotional and kinda looking for guidance, when they left me on a fri night wih a screaming hungry baby with the words keep trying and we'll see you on monday.... was when husband took over and said no way and got the formula.

now due to abnormal postnatal smear i also have to have six monthly colposcopies and biopsies....ouch!

anyone else had bad experience and gone on to brave another?

[dinkystinky]

I had a good pregnancy with DS1 but horrible traumatic induced birth - gave birth to DS2 in February and it was totally different. Good pregnancy again but this time a wonderful birth - I educated myself on my rights, changed hospitals, got a doula, gave birth in the birth centre in the water with no pain relief, had lined up the bf support before birth (did this with DS1 too - if you have a BF clinic in your area go there before the birth to make contact with the counsellor and see if there are any peer supporters who can help you and come directly after the birth to help you at the hospital) and was - and still am - in a miles better place. If its any consolation, I think you learn so much from your first birth experience, particularly when it is traumatic for you or the baby, that your second experience is bound to be much better. Good luck.

[Cazzaben]

Every single pregnancy and baby is different...
I had terrible time with DS1 I was put into a mother and baby unit as it just messed me up soo much mentally (and physically).

I fell pregnant again and was worried but he's here now (1year old yesterday!!) and perfect. We do have to go through a lot of pain emotionally for our babies but they are soo worth it.

Good luck with whatever you decide xx

[BabyBaby123]

give it some time - that's a very small age gap. I had a horrible first birth - had my second 4 years later, now 38 weeks with dc3 but left it 5 years this time!

[Travellerintime]

Lilyrose,
I had nowhere near as bad a time as you with my first labour, but I did find the pain absolutely unbearable (just had gas and air, but it did NOTHING at all to relieve it). So I was very reluctant to go through it all again.
With ds, 3 years later, DH and I did a hypnobirthing course. It was expensive, but soo worth it. I did really learn to relax and it definitely helped me feel so much more in control during the birth and manage the pain.
best of luck

[ShowOfHands]

Have you talked through your birth and looked at your notes?

I had a similar experience birth wise. I pushed for 6 hours, no baby, theatre, episiotomy, attempted ventouse, attempted manual rotation, emergency caesarian.

I cried every day for months and months. I had nightmares, flashbacks etc. I eventually got a copy of my notes and tried to make sense of what had happened to go from homebirth to em cs via every intervention available.

It helped enormously. I can't say that I will ever put it behind me fully or ever manage to have another but I had to deal with the first birth so I could start to move on emotionally and start to forgive myself.

[lilyrose123]

maybe i could get my notes, i think i understand why most things happened, i'm a nurse at the same hospital, and dont want to look like i'm being and arse, the midwives in the labour ward were fab, i'm just struggling with fact that first 40 hrs was most painful cos they wont give you anything because not in 'active labour' i dont see how that deems it ok to leave someone in that much pain? and for that long? once epidural was in was ok but that was last 4 hours.

then i heard on tv the other day they want to make drugs in labour private so you have to pay for them, because women dont need themcos childbirth is a natural processs!!! OMG!

[lilyrose123]

showofhands, how ols is yours now? and do you feel you could contemplate having another?

[SparkyToo]

I believe every birth is different. A lot of friends of mine were really put off having a second child after a traumatic first birth, but then barely commented on the second birth experience. Surely, it's quite common for the first birth to be trickier than the following births - mine certainly was.

[ShowOfHands]

If and when you decide to have another you can look into other options. Do you have a midwife led unit? You could consider a waterbirth (I was in water for about 6 hours), hypnobirthing, hiring a doula or independent midwife etc. I found feeling out of control once I'd transferred to hospital made the pain so much worse than when at home hypnobirthing with an understanding midwife and partner and freedom to move around as I wished.

Having another? Oh that's a can of worms. My dd is 23 months old. The idea of another leaves me cold tbh. I didn't deal with the first birth soon enough and it impacted upon establishing feeding (though am still feeding now!), anxiety levels, my relationship with dh, my enjoyment of the early days, my self esteem. My dh desperately wants more and I do worry that as things stand atm I will have to have another not only for dh but for dd who asks all the time if mummy's having another baby soon.

Remember that people who have the most straightforward and manageable labours and deliveries still suffer from birth trauma. You are allowed to feel this way. Give yourself permission to feel the way you do. The guilt was compounded by the fact that I felt people assumed I should just be grateful dd was healthy. Of course I was but I was also desperately unhappy.

[MrsTittleMouse]

Me! I had a dreadful first birth (that actually left me with painful scarring that prevented me from having sex) and I had PTSD. I actually decided to have a second because I thought that things could hardly get worse. DD2 wasd conceived with fertility treatment and I had another difficult pregnancy and another long labour, but actually the experience has really healed the scars of DD1's birth. Both literally (pushing her out stretched the epi scar and really softened it) and also in an emotional sense.

The pregnancy was difficult - could you get any practical help with your DD? And I needed counselling to prevent me from turning into a gibbering jelly on the floor. But I did it with help. And DH has commented that I am changed woman. "I have my wife back" is what he tells me.

The point about relaxing is true, but obviously not easy. I coped with breathing techniques even though I've had painful labours (DD1 was lying on my back). Labour has never been "relaxing" for me, but I've found that releasing the muscles in me body allow the contractions to do their work. I'm also a good example of a woman who is very insensitive to environment - if I panic or feel uncomfortable in a situation then my labours stop. I've done yoga in the past, which helps with breathing techniques and learning how to "turn off" a muscle - could that be an option for you?

Good luck, whatever you decide.