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I'm still so sad my DH missed the birth

(8 Posts)
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 29-Oct-08 12:42:43

Not (really) his fault, although he could have got there if he hadn't made a decision which slowed him down. He left me in labour at home at 9am and got to me at hospital as they were cutting the cord at 1.15 pm. I tried not to tell him I was upset with him but it came out a few weeks ago, I cried, he was sorry blah blah. Thing is, although I was fine without him (straightforward labour etc) I am still so sad he missed it. Not even for him but because he didn't see me labour IYSWIM? He left me when the contractions were manageable and found me with a baby. He's from another country and has never been exposed to the idea of labour being as hard as it is (women's business) and has never seen an accurate representation on screen - he saw my fanjo after so he knows but at the same time he doesn't know and I feel a bit like he doesn't appreciate what I went through. He's not blase but...I hear about other women being bought gifts, etc etc, and I think he expected me to take it in my stride (which I did - I do) but I wish he had seen how hard it was. I'm being silly but I don't know when this will go away DS is 6.5 weeks by the way.

regularlyoverwhelmed Wed 29-Oct-08 12:48:39

god, my DH saw it all and still had to be told (by me) to buy me something. 2nd time around I gave up and bought myself something to remember the occasion by. In many ways I wish he hadn't been there, I sometimes wonder if it put him off sex! I think some of them just buy pressies cos that's the kind of people they are, not because they saw you in pain.

anyway, sorry if sounds harsh - I don't mean it too. Just trying to show that even if he had been there might not be any different.

Congrats on your baby btw smile

GirlWithTheMouseyHair Wed 29-Oct-08 13:57:22

you're not being silly - I'd be devastated if DH missed my labour and birth, I think he would too. Seems like the trouble is more that he doesn't seem that bothered that he missed it - is it worth bringing it up with him again, so he can have the opportunity to express whether he is really sorry for himself that he wasn't there?

huge congrats on your baby boy

NellyTheElephant Wed 29-Oct-08 14:27:52

I do know how you feel. My DH missed the birth of DD2, although it was by c-section so not quite the same thing. It sounds utterly silly, especially as it was definitely not his fault, but I think i was more cross than anything else (actually furious!). I couldn't believe that it was such a hugely important day and yet when it came down to it he failed to be there (despite unavoidable and very good reason) and my Mum had to come.

I think what really helped me get over it was two things - firstly talking to him and realising that he was more upset about it than I was and secondly as DD2 became the absolute apple of his eye, somehow it didn't matter any more. Funnily enough he says now that it did take him a lot longer to bond with DD2 than with DD1 initially and he's sure it was because he was just presented with her when I got home 3 days after the birth rather than living through it with me if you see what I mean.

Just a thought - I don't think they ever really appreciate what you go through - whether they are there or not!!

Grammaticus Wed 29-Oct-08 14:32:44

If this were me I'd need to talk it out - tell him again and probably tell a friend or family member too. Try to bear in mind that at this stage your emotions and hormones will be all over the place anyway, it takes a while to settle down.

Flibbertyjibbet Wed 29-Oct-08 14:43:48

Dp was there with me and didn't bring gifts. Cos he's not that sort of chap.
He is the most fantastic hands on dad though and I'd rather have that in the long term than a 'pushing present'.

For our 2nd baby I was sort of hoping I'd be in labour in the middle of the night and kept hinting that he should just stay at home with ds1 and I'd 'manage somehow' wink because he added nothing at all to my birth experience of no1 and tbh there were times when I wanted to tell him to just buzz off and come back when it was over.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 29-Oct-08 15:49:01

he adores ds and is great with him - i don't think he's sorry he missed it exactly - the way he sees it is that he was working for us (he was) and what could he have done? well yes...but still. it's not about gifts but about appreciation - he says lovely things but still makes comments eg about me calling him a fucking arsehole because he wouldn't wake up - he was genuinely hurt and doesn't comprehend the pain i was in - nor has he said 'well done' for doing it on my own sad although i think he would if he thought about it - but like i say in his culture women just 'get on with it' hmm

rolledhedgehog Wed 29-Oct-08 15:59:11

I never have never got presents despite DH being with me throughout 3 labours and births! I think presents are a bit of an odd idea actually. I think can be a bit of a spare part during birth in some cases but of course it is sad that he missed it all and he should let you know he is proud of you. Your baby is still very young though and the annoyance will fade....maybe you can ensure he will be there next time.....wink.

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