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Having wobbles about my planned VBA2C; come and talk me round......please

(23 Posts)
LackaDAISYcal Sat 30-Aug-08 14:08:22

that's it really. D-Day 10 weeks away and I'm having major wobbles about my planned VBA2C.

I'm suffering from ante-natal depression, which is pretty bad at the minute in spite of taking ADs sad, and am worried that if I try for the birth I want and it all goes awry then it isn't going to do me any favours in the mental health department. The stress of not knowing when I'll go into labour is also making me panic somewhat, as I've never done it naturally before (DS failed induction, DD elCS after originally wanting a VBAC, but like now I bottled it))

Part of me thinks that I can just book in, baby will be out in 9 weeks time, I can come home next day and recuperate at home with my family around me.......but then I remember how bad I was after my elCS last year and how long it took me to get back on my feet and the thought of that fills me with dread, especially with a 17 mo old DD and a 6yo DS to look after, on my own part time as DH works away part of the week.

Say some nice things to help me strengthen my resolve......please smile

lulumama Sat 30-Aug-08 14:11:42

oh daisy! no wonder you are having the wobbles

i spent a day thinking about booking an elective when pregnant with DD. the same rasons as you say.. you know when baby is coming, their is no uncertainty.. but then i felt , most overwhelmingly, that if i did not at least try, and there was no reason medically not to, i would regret the not trying more. i knew then that even if i had anotehr em. c.s at least i would know i had done all i could, and would not have the ;what if, or 'if only' moment.

if you can, please get a doula, if you don;t have one already

LackaDAISYcal Sat 30-Aug-08 14:16:49

I have a doula grin and I'm due to have one of my AN visits with her soon. I'll send her an email and see if we can bring it forward. I keep forgetting that she is there for me to call or email at any time really <durr>

ikwym about the not trying. I really regretted it with DD last year (after all you and Marsy's lovely advice) so when I found out I was pg again (unplanned), I thought this was my chance to "do it right". I should try and keep hold of the fact that this is another chance for me to have the birth I want, the way I want it, but the fear of not getting that is enough to have me running to sign the consent form.

I'm having a few hormonal wobbles as well which isn't helping my general mood sad

belgo Sat 30-Aug-08 14:19:10

I haven't really got any advice, but please don't be too harsh on yourself, whatever you decide and whatever happens.

There's no 'doing it right' when it comes to child birth! It's not an exam, you can't 'fail'smile

lulumama Sat 30-Aug-08 14:30:50

you silly thing! call your doula, no doubt she will be delighted to come and talk things through.

i did go a lot bit crazy when pregnant with DD.. i was obsessed about the birth.. but it worked. but i also knew that if i had another em c.s i would never have to look back and think i didn;t try.

and i genuinely believe if i had another c.s, it would have been hard, but nowhere near as bad as the first time when i had not even considered the possiblity of a c.s

VictorianSqualor Sat 30-Aug-08 14:43:33

DAISYsmile

One thing I can say about the mental health issues is that IME the actual birth itself wasn't really the big thing I thought it was. It was me making the choices and feeling as comfortable with what I had planned and agreed to as possible.

LackaDAISYcal Sat 30-Aug-08 14:45:52

thanks belgo smile

I sometimes think my determination is a lot to do with putting one in my MIL's eye. My BILs wife gave birth to 6lb twins (that's each, not in total), naturally, a few months after I had DD and I've had how marvellous L is rammed down my throat ever since whenever babies and childbirth is discussed. It kind of makes me feel a bit inadequate that I haven't even managed to birth one baby (although with DS it wasn't for the lack of trying). I know that is stupid, and that we aren't all the same, but it does kind of rankle a bit the way she bangs on about it.

Lulu, I'll speak to my doula on Monday smile

sarah293 Sat 30-Aug-08 14:49:03

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LackaDAISYcal Sat 30-Aug-08 14:49:27

thanks for that VS smile. I know what you mean. I felt like that with DD; that I had made the right decision for me at the time. It was only my recovery (or lack of it) that made me not want to go through a CS again. The birth itself was lovely.

LackaDAISYcal Sat 30-Aug-08 14:54:06

where do you want me to start riven wink

And that's a good point you have raised; if it isn't the perfect vaginal birth and I wnd up with lots of stitches and long lasting problems, will I kick myself forever and regret doing it, and never getting to grips with my birth choices?

The medical side of things isn't really worrying me; ie rupture, but I've read some alarming stuff about infant mortaility which is a bit scary.

the hospital have said they would prefer the baby to be out by 41 weeks so if I haven't delivered myself by them I'll be in for a C-section. At first I wasn't sure about that, but now I'm thinking that maybe it's a good compromise situation.

Methinks I'm thinking about this too much/overanalysing?

Sputnik Sat 30-Aug-08 15:23:10

Stuff your MIL Daisy

This is about you and the baby. Sounds to me like a major worry for you is the recovery time. How is your DH set up for paternity leave? Maybe he can get some extra time off? Maybe talking through with him a bit would help reassure you about support after birth.

Stop worrying about the "right way", and using it as a stick to beat yourself.

sarah293 Sat 30-Aug-08 17:10:31

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Mummyfor3 Sat 30-Aug-08 17:26:38

Daisy, please stop being hard on yourself!

I agree with above posters that what will make you feel good about whichever way you end up delivering, it is that you felt you had a degree of choice and control in the matter. And, totally agree, there is no "failure" in regards to childbirth. It is all to large extent in Nature's hands, and who knows when she has PMT grin...

You ILs should get lost, in my humble opinion wink. Do not even consider their opinions in your decision making process. Can you count on your DP's support in this?

If you are looking for support in going for VBAC, then let me tell you, that I had a very positive experience. Supportive consultant, who even told DH has simple scheduling considerations are NOT an indication for CS... I found vaginal delivery VERY intense, but ultimately rewarding experience (a bit like climbing a Scottish mountain in horrible weather, your legs and lungs in pain, asking yourself why FFS you are putting yourself through this, and then, somehow, the view at the top makes it all worthwhile - and the sense of achievement)smile.

Having said that, I am equally sure, that my prev CS was the right thing to do at the time, so do not look at that delivery with regret.

Be kind to yourself and do what you feel is right for you. Lots and lots of luck to you.

VictorianSqualor Sat 30-Aug-08 18:18:28

Small hijack here sorry!
Riven, how hard did you find it on getting support for your VBA3C?
We're hoping to ttc some time in the next 6 months and I'm after a VBA3C.

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt Sat 30-Aug-08 18:30:34

I think most people have wobbles about VBAC, my theory on this is:

There is something comforting about the familiar (in your case c-sections)

When faced with a decision of how to give birth after a cs you have a choice how to give birth next time, ie another cs or a VBAC. In the majority of births you don't have a choice, it is taken as a given that you will have a vaginal birth. When there is only one path there is no decision to make, but when there are two paths YOU have to decide which one is the best. I know this is over simplified, but I hope you understand what I am trying to get at.

I am going for a vbac any day now, but I've still had wobbles. I defy any pregnant woman not to have a wobble - whatever their delivery choice.

LackaDAISYcal Sat 30-Aug-08 18:33:04

<thunk>....daisy falls off the sofa at VS's news grin.....Am impressed you are thinking about so soon VS; after all, I'm not in this situation out of choice wink

Thansk riven and sputnik; I'm feeling a bit more positive now and I promise that stick is in the bin smile

Mummy for3; I know just what you mean about that Scottish Mountain; having climbed a few of them in my time smile

DP is fantastically supportive; he knows how important it is to me to at least try for a normal delivery and is behind me 100%. He is even glad we have a doula as well as it'll take a lot of the pressure off him (he is still quite traumatised himself from DS's birth), but equally I know that if I did decide to go for an elCS, or I need a CS for whatever reason, he will be equally supportive about that. His mum is a witch and has been allowed to get away with saying silly things for far too long (everyone makes excuses for her hmm). I think I'm the only one who actually challenges what she says so I'm never going to be popular grin

Thanks for all your lovely words smile

greenlawn Sat 30-Aug-08 18:43:51

Completely agree with the advice so far - if you want a vbac, you have to do it for you and no-one else! I had very mixed feelings about my cs; on the one hand I lost one of my babies, on the other the cs undoubtedly meant that one survived, but I still felt a complete failure!

Part of that is unfortunately the feeling of - what's it really like? What did I miss out on? Sadly we put ourselves (or we allow others to put us) under so much pressure to have the perfect birth, but ultimately life just doesn't work that way.

I was quite determined to have a vbac last time round, and had one - but to an extent you have to try to stop agonising and accept that either way the birth may not be exactly as you planned it. So I had to accept that while I would do everything within my power to have one, if there was ANY sign of a problem I was booking in for another cs, elective or emergency, whatever I had to have to get that baby out safely. It always makes me laugh when people say "my birth plan is X and Y" and "this is how its going to happen" - well if it happens the way they want it to, then great, but it helps to have a plan b,c and even d.

My vbac was fantastic - BUT equally, had I ended up with another cs it would still have meant another amazing baby at the end of it. As someone else has said, there are no medals in childbirth, and there is NO need for you to feel you have to apologise for choosing a cs if you feel safer that way.

Wishing you all the best.

LackaDAISYcal Sat 30-Aug-08 19:27:13

thanks greenlawn, I appreciate your comments on this smile. I don't know your whole story with your CS, but it sounds like you had a difficult decision to make. IT's such an emotive subject and I think that trying for a VBAC is what's right for me, but I take your point that I need to have a couple of back-up plans. I'll be discussing it all with my doula and making sure that both she and DH know my wishes smile

BetsyBoop Sat 30-Aug-08 21:48:02

great advice so far

Just wanted to add my experience

I was totally 100% determined to have a VBAC last year after an em c/s with DD 2 years earlier.

I still had a couple of wobbles, it's normal

I ended up at 10days overdue, with my BP rising & DS in an oblique/unstable lie & showing no interest in coming any time soon, and reluctantly agreed to an el c/s (cervix had done nothing, so they did think the one shot of gel they would allow for VBAC would do anything, not that I fancied induction anyway)

The night before my elective I cried & cried I felt like I'd "failed" again. However the el c/s was no where near as bad as I feared in fact it helped to lay to rest some of the ghosts from DD's birth. I'd given it my best shot, it just wasn't meant to be.

Yes I will always feel sad that I won't experience a natural labour (DS is definitely my last), but I feel way better about things than I did after DD's birth & way better than I would have thought I could prior to Ds's birth if my VBAC attempt had failed.

(DS was 10lb 10.5oz + 38cm head, so with hind sight an el c/s was probably a good decision too! grin)

Don't be so hard on yourself, just do what you feel is right for you & stuff what anyone else thinks!

LackaDAISYcal Sat 30-Aug-08 21:57:49

thanks betsyboop smile

thankfully I did have a natural labour with DS, as I got to 10cm, but a rim of cervix was stopping me from pushing and then he got stuck against my pelvis. It's just the birth part that I missed out on.

I will go into it hoping for my VBAC but not worrying too much if it comes to it and I don't get there. Hospital aren't keen on any sort of induction as it'll be less than 18 months since my last section, so if I don't go into labour by myself before 41 weeks then I'm under the knife.

Look out for my natural labour induction thread sometime around the 10th November grin

Poledra Sat 30-Aug-08 22:04:06

Daisy, would love to be able to help you after your sterling help to me earlier today smile

I had an em c-s with dd1, and have since had 2 vaginal births. None of these births went according to either my birth plan or to my ideal of a 'natural' birth. However, dd3's birth (induction with syntocinon and an epidural) was absolutely FANTASTIC and I am still on a high when I think about it. The key for me was that I was listened to and felt I had control throughout the whole process. All possibilities were discussed, and DH and I were given time and privacy to make our choices (because, to me, these choices affected him too). Even when the possibility of a c-section was raised, I was comfortable with that possibility because it would be following a decision tree that we had agreed with the mw and obs.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I was pretty wobbly about my induction, and that was unavoidable and turned out so well

LackaDAISYcal Sun 31-Aug-08 07:19:39

Thanks Poledra grin

Definately part of the worry is of being out of control of the situation, as with DS it all got rather crazy towards the end and there was a room full of medical peeps (about 8 in all according to DH; I can't remember) all talking over our heads. I think if they had said they were going to have to sacrifice me for the baby I would've gladly signed my life away, and DH said (and will never be allowed to forget itwink) "you wouldn't put a dog through that; you'd just shoot it"

Hopefully, with our doula in place she will be there helping to get us the time we need to make any decisions that need to be made, and helping us make those decisions smile

thanks everyone for your comments; I'm feeling much more grounded about it all today (it's amazing what a good night's sleep can don grin)

sarah293 Sun 31-Aug-08 10:23:50

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