I've had to NC for this as I think it reflects so badly on me sad
This is my third child. I wanted home births during all my pregnancies; with my 1st I needed a transfer in after failure to progress at home, and had the worst vaginal birth I could imagine for myself, which saw me cannulated and unable to move from a hospital bed, a resulting 3rd degree tear, and missing the first 6 hours of my PFB's life while I was in theatre getting pieced back together.
Second child we had the home birth we wanted. My sister came from abroad so we had assistance with DD1. Second baby came quickly and I had the most amazing experience in our birth pool.
Third child was a surprise. The first two were meticulously planned, and this one was the one time we DTD this year. My cycle hadn't returned as I was still BF our second child. The baby was clearly meant to be, and we wouldn't entertain any other option as our relationship and family life were and are stable.
I have had such tremendous guilt. I feel too old for another child. My youngest is still so young and needy. Within days of the positive pregnancy test my milk had gone. I've doubted myself for making the right choices, and cursed myself for putting us in this position for pretty much this entire pregnancy.
Baby is due this week. I'm highly expecting to be in labour on Christmas Eve. Another home birth would have been ideal - we may have been able to do it without massive interruption to family life, and still give our children a good Christmas. But, I've recently tested positive for GBS. It was picked up early this pregnancy, as it was with my first. I had the test redone at 37 weeks, and unlike last time the infection is still present. My midwife is pretty insistent I have this baby in hospital and stay for observations afterwards.
This has really thrown me. We don't have family near, and mine couldn't travel internationally to support us. We have a few friends who have offered to have our children if necessary, but I can't imagine intruding on another family's Christmas in this way, not this year. I don't want to be alone in hospital after what happened last time, and am not feeling positive about any aspect of our impending arrival. I've not been able to connect with this baby at all, and I'm feeling so shit about the whole situation. I don't think I've actually said 'I don't want this baby' out loud, but it's all I can hear internally today.
It should be such a happy time in our lives - I'm just the worst mum, aren't I?
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Childbirth
Anxiety over birth - GBS+
Cannoc · 21/12/2020 11:43
Oh OP I'm sorry 
. I had my home birth cancelled due to GBS although didn't have any of the complication of older children at home so can't really advise about that.
Have they told you that you definitely need to stay in after the birth? I was told that if you have the antibiotics then no need to stay in unless there are other complications?
Have you made it absolutely clear on your birth plan that you want to stay upright and active throughout? Can you ask for a birth pool? Re the cannula - I absolutely HATE them so I made a big thing on my birth plan of asking that they take it out in between giving the antibiotics even though it would mean they'd need to stick a needle on me more often.
In the end I was induced and baby came so quickly that there was no time for antibiotics so I stayed for one night after while baby was observed (she was fine). I managed to get one of the blow up pools at hospital.
Last but not least - you are NOT a bad mum! It's a really difficult time all round and particularly so for you.
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