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Terrified of leaving DD when I give birth.

(15 Posts)
EastMidsMumOf1 Wed 06-May-20 15:55:21

My DD is 8months, I've never left her apart from with DH for an hour while I've been shopping or at ante-natal appointments.
When I fell pregnant again I'd never really thought of the childcare aspect as I didnt expect this fear to of lasted this long, which makes me sound abit daft.
I'm not due until October but as the weeks go by I'm starting to get more and more on edge about it, I cant even do a "trial run" of leaving her with someone else due to COVID sad its causing me to lose sleep, it's really affecting my mental health and I'm half thinking I should just give birth alone so she can stay with DH.
Also my MW appointments keep getting cancelled so I've not even had much of a chance to speak about it with her to discuss my options (if there are any?) I dont know whether I've developed some form of separation anxiety but looking to see if anyone feels/felt this way and what steps they took to overcome it.

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KatnissMellark Wed 06-May-20 15:57:17

October is a long way away, hopefully you'll have time for a trial run.

Or you could consider a homebirth?

EastMidsMumOf1 Wed 06-May-20 16:00:54

@katnissmellark I'm high risk due to previous big baby and chance of haemorrhage so not sure I'd be able to have a home birth. It's one of the things I'd like to discuss with my consultant and MW but I've not seen them since booking in at 10 weeks and not due back again until 28 weeks.

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Therollockingrogue Wed 06-May-20 16:02:58

It’s totally fine to give birth without your husband if you’re comfortable doing so. It isn’t set in stone that we need a man there really, it’s just become tradition. A home may suit you better too.
How was your first birth?

KatnissMellark Wed 06-May-20 16:03:32

Ah that's a shame, I can't have a homebirth either, which I'd have liked. I would hope by October you'd have had time for a trial run though 🤞

Seaweed42 Wed 06-May-20 16:06:08

I felt like that too. Remind yourself that October is ages away. Also, write out a list of possible childminders for your DD. She will be 5 months older then so will be lots older, and well able to take it all in her stride. She will be absolutely fine. She will not remember a thing about you being away. Worst case scenario she had to go to someone she hardly knows, she would still be fine. This is your anxiety, not hers. She might enjoy her little adventure. When the 'fear' grips you, sit down and repeat to yourself 5 times, 'she is safe and she is loved'.
I don't think there is much point doing trial runs months before the birth she'll just forget. Try to enjoy the times between the bouts of fear.

EastMidsMumOf1 Wed 06-May-20 16:09:32

@Therollockingrogue that's true, I think I'm worried about him being there for his benefit more than my own as I dont even remember him being there when I gave birth last time!
My first birth was horrific, back to back and forceps.
Second birth 7 years later, quick and natural but 10lb 4oz baby, 3rd degree tear and loss of blood was in normal range but towards the higher end. IMO it was still easier than my first.
This time round I'm high risk but id love a home birth.
@katnissmellark that's a shame you're unable to have your home birth too! I've always dreamed of one myself, the experience looks amazing.

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Therollockingrogue Wed 06-May-20 16:11:01

And I mean just to offer some solidarity, I totally felt this way. I was overseas as well, with no trusted friends or family around.
I had a homebirth in the end, and the baby popped out at about 3am at home before anyone arrived to help me. It took about an hour and I didn’t even wake my husband until the moment before the babe popped out . Was blissfully peaceful! My older son woke up to meet the baby and have some cereal.
My midwife told me how amazing it is that so many women with older children labour at different times of the day, usually at a time with fewer distractions from the other children.
It happened for a friend too, her baby was born as her eldest had an afternoon nap smile
If you can’t have a home birth then perhaps look at ways to have someone with the little one very close to the hospital or something, so the time you’re apart is limited?

Quitthat Wed 06-May-20 16:15:58

My husband is now staying home with the older kids due to covid 19 and not bringing extra people into our home, so I'll be giving birth alone, but we were actually considering it anyway, as our youngest is also just not used to anyone else at bedtime/ if he wakes in the night etc. I'm sure he'd survive, but I'd be more stressed by leaving him with someone else, so it'd probably slow my labour... so my husband will stay home, and I'll give birth alone. Like you say, not sure I can really remember him being a huge help in previous births (!), so it'll be a shame for him to miss it, but probably best all round from a pandemic and current kids point of view.

I hear midwives are very good with mothers who are alone. I'm hoping so!

Therollockingrogue Wed 06-May-20 16:23:22

Just to offer some encouragement... I’d just second all the sentiments above . Men like to see the baby being born of course, but once you’ve seen one they’re all the same really 😂
It’s perfectly chilled and peaceful giving birth alone... loads of women do it day in day out. You
may have an easier, quicker birth because you’re less stressed about where your other child is too.

Therollockingrogue Wed 06-May-20 16:25:47

And yes, especially in these covid days .
Cast your worries aside op, be the goddess that you are ! Go alone, have a wonderful birth, then snuggle up on the sofa after and your other half can do his bit by waiting on you like a queen while you watch cartoons with your little ones .

HarrietM87 Wed 06-May-20 16:26:48

If you only want your husband there for his benefit, then I don’t think that’s a good enough reason - your needs as the woman in labour and your daughter’s needs as a baby should trump his. If it would make you less stressed to know your daughter was with him then I think that should be the plan.

Therollockingrogue Wed 06-May-20 16:32:13

Also to add op, due to your history of big babies, if I was in your position I don’t think I’d consider a home birth at this time. It could be potentially more distressing for you if you had to transfer in an emergency

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow Wed 06-May-20 16:36:01

I'd start practicing now- leave her with your DH for a couple of hours each day while you go for a walk/have a long bath/nap.

She'll be fine - its you you need to worry about!

EastMidsMumOf1 Thu 07-May-20 11:05:45

Yes I think it's only really a magical (if that's even the right word for it) experience for the man watching his child be born the first time, after that it's just oh right, this again! DH is quite a sentimental sod though so Im really trying to overcome it all, if I still feel this way come October, atleast I can say I tried my best.
Tbh I really thought this fear would of subsided by the time DD2 was 6 months, I never felt like this with my first - I was back at work by the time she was 8 weeks, so this is a whole new kettle of fish!
I've left her with DH but I've always been close by and it's never been for a long period of time, I was hoping to start leaving her with a good friend of mine but since the lockdown it's not been possible.
I'd spoken to my HV at my 6 week check and told her I have this anxiety towards leaving her, she said it was because I was breastfeeding so it was a natural instinct. I dont know how true this is but I've not BF for the past 2 months and I still feel the same!

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