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I wish people would stop telling me I’m lucky.

(45 Posts)
YicketyYackMamasBack Mon 03-Feb-20 06:04:50

‘I’m lucky that I didn’t have to experience contractions.’

‘I’m lucky that I didn’t have to go through labour.’

‘I’m lucky I never had to go through all that pain.’

I’m not lucky.

I’m not lucky that my placenta didn’t work.

I’m not lucky that at 37 weeks my baby weighed a mere 4pounds 13oz.

I’m not lucky that the safest route out for her was by cesarean.

I’m not lucky that I didn’t get a choice.

I’m not lucky that my once managed anxiety is now out of control, due to being cut 5 layers deep.

I’m not lucky that I worry every day that I’m doing too much, or that I might get an infection.

I’m not lucky that I couldn’t care for my baby the
way I expected to in the first 2 weeks of her life.

I’m not lucky that every now I still can’t lift her in her car seat.

I’m not lucky that I still can’t drive to take her out.

I’m not lucky that I didn’t get to experience contractions, or labour.

Stop telling me I am lucky, like I’ve been given the easy option. It’s not easy.

Even when I tell people that I would have liked to experience a contraction, or I would have liked to have had the experience of labour and a vaginal birth. I get told ‘trust me, you wouldn’t have wanted that’ or ‘no you wouldn’t!’

Yes, I would.

Why wouldn’t I? For the pain? For being sore? For the risk of stitches?

I’m not fucking lucky.

OP’s posts: |
UnexpectedItemInTheShaggingAre Mon 03-Feb-20 06:13:04

It sounds like your labour/section was hugely traumatic.
You got through it. You did great. Do you have anyone you could talk to? Doctor? Perinatal mental health? Health visitor?
I don’t know what to suggest but ❤️

Naomh Mon 03-Feb-20 06:15:40

I get that you’re disappointed, OP — I was too when I had to have a CS unexpectedly, especially as I knew DS would be my only child, and when I wasn’t able to BF despite giving it everything for two months — and that you’re boiling over with unresolved emotions about it, and yes, people say unbelievably moronic things (I’ve said this on Mn before under another name, but I had a friend of a friend say at a dinner party when DS was a few months old and someone asked me where I’d ‘given birth’, that she was going to have to ‘correct’ me, that I ‘didn’t give birth’).

Just karate chop them on the windpipe and say they are absolutely welcome to experience the ‘luck’ of caring for a newborn after major abdominal surgery.

And feel lucky for a different reason. You and your baby are ok. I gradually just came to be grateful for modern obstetric surgery, as DS was all tangled up in the cord and we’d probably both have died without a CS.

But you should feel entirely free to tell people to stick their platitudes where the sun don’t shine.

SW16 Mon 03-Feb-20 06:17:46

People talk shit.

They are probably clumsily trying to make it better that you had to have an early CS.

But of course a CS is major surgery. And nothing makes up for all that worry about your baby.

I hope you are getting some support. How old is your baby now?

user1493413286 Mon 03-Feb-20 06:24:44

I had a premature baby by c section and I remember some similar insensitive comments by people trying to be well meaning. It’s hard to hear when you’re feeling like you do but try to shrug it off and in time you may feel different.
A lot of people also talked about how unlucky i was in my pregnancy and my DH used to interrupt them and say actually we were very lucky because we got a healthy (just tiny) baby as it was his coping mechanism to view things in that way so people will only be trying to help in the way their minds work.

Newmumma83 Mon 03-Feb-20 06:30:47

You haven’t had a easy time op, and your not lucky though so very glad you still have your baby.

And I hope you are or do heal well soon.

emmaluggs Mon 03-Feb-20 06:39:59

You had major surgery be kinder to yourself. People are probably clumsily trying to make you feel better as they’re probably picking up on your disappointment. Plus childbirth is weirdly some sort of competition sometimes. Every birth is different and everybody is different, you are both safe and in time you’ll come to terms with your own feelings on your own birthing experience and it will be easier to brush off other people’s ill thought out opinions and advice!

user1471549213 Mon 03-Feb-20 06:40:35

I get where you are coming from. I'm 4 weeks post section now and while I feel very grateful dd is here safe and sound I don't feel lucky. This is my second section and had vbac in between. I would have done vbac again in a heartbeat over the section but baby had other ideas.

Right now I'm aching in about 3 of my internal incisions. Can't lift my other kids and have to do the school run in about 2 hours with 3 kids. Would all be much easier if I could walk properly and not be in this pain.

I know exactly how you feel.

GreenLeafTurnip Mon 03-Feb-20 06:44:32

I know it's hard OP. My little boy was born at 35 weeks by EMCS. Although I haven't had any of those comments, I really struggled with the fact that I 'hadn't given birth'. In the end I did have to see a psychologist and talking about it did really help.

If I hadn't have had it then the beautiful 1 year old who is bang pots and pans together sitting in front of me right now wouldn't be here.

Focus on your baby. You might not be able to lift her car seat yet or drive her but you are there for her in the best possible way, by being her mum.

Good luck and congratulations on your baby girl!

AJPTaylor Mon 03-Feb-20 06:48:18

People are unthinking arses. But they don't mean it. It's just something to say.

AnnaBanana26 Mon 03-Feb-20 06:58:18

I feel your frustration here, OP.
It’s not the easy way out that people pretend it is. Birthing children whether naturally or via C Section both have their drawbacks.
People don’t know about the recovery either.

I had a C Section for my DD due to severe placenta previa and spent weeks in hospital beforehand on bed rest in case I had a bleed, all the while I was losing the plot because I was so lonely there every night. Skip to the c section - had a major hemorrage in theatre and lost over two litres of blood and could barely look at my DD when they showed her to me in theatre as I was focusing on not losing consciousness.
Following this I had major post natal anxiety that developed in to PND but people like to still think that was the easy way out somehow?
OP, people are a strange breed. The grass is always greener and sadly many people lack empathy and just believe that no contractions mean no pain. But it is not personal, I think it just comes from a lack of understanding so I’ve found just nodding and changing subject works for me!
Hope you’re ok

Grapesandwine Mon 03-Feb-20 07:00:38

Tell them they’re lucky they didn’t have to go through major abdominal surgery, got to hold their baby straight after birth, didn’t have to go through the worry and recovery you do etc.

People are weird. I was given the choice and I went with natural birth because I’ve had friends who have had cesareans and it looks/sounds like hell. Ignore these thoughtless people and focus on recovery and enjoying your baby - hope it all gOnes as smoothly as it can flowers

DameSylvieKrin Mon 03-Feb-20 07:06:05

I had a premature section for vasa previa and placenta previa. If it’s any consolation, the stupid comments will stop soon.
I usually misunderstood on purpose and said that I was very lucky to bring the baby home at all.

slipperywhensparticus Mon 03-Feb-20 07:07:51

I felt lucky I had my three without having a csection it's not an easy option 💐

FusionChefGeoff Mon 03-Feb-20 07:10:21

Honestly most people are just trying to be kind I'm sure. They are trying to find a silver lining in a horrid situation as acknowledging the actual reality would feel cruel.

Humans do it all the time - no matter how shitty the circumstances, our need to try to help sometimes makes us say really, really stupid things as, of course, there isn't actually anything anyone can say or do that 'fixes' it for you.

Does it help to reduce the anger / resentment towards people if you try to frame it like that instead?? They don't really think you are lucky at all - they are in their own incredibly clumsy way trying to make you feel better.

FoamingAtTheUterus Mon 03-Feb-20 07:10:39

They'll be trying to make you feel better, everyone knows having a C-section isn't ideal. But so long as you're ok and baby is doing well else nothing else really matters.

Bluntness100 Mon 03-Feb-20 07:15:16

I think people are just trying to be nice about it. Think of the alternative "that's shit for you, you really missed out, poor you"

There is seldom any easy option when it comes to child birth. What matters is uour baby was delivered safely.

Congratulations on your daughter, focus on her, not comments intended to make you feel better but miss the mark.

MarthasGinYard Mon 03-Feb-20 07:24:26

Having been through both options I did however feel lucky, so can't relate entirely.

Elderflower99 Mon 03-Feb-20 07:28:57

I'm having my first baby this year (yay) and the advice i have been told is, you get the people that are always going to have a better pregnancy than you 'the baby just slipped out within minutes' kinda thing. Then you get the (what we call Tenerife Elevenerife people) that have always had it so much worse than you, you lost a litre of blood, they lost 10 litres, you had complications and had a c section, they had complications and died for a day or two. But in all seriousness every body is different with their own experiences and we can't compare because we are all so different! Sorry to hear your time wasn't 'lucky' and is taking it's toll on you! Good luck with everything!

amazedmummy Mon 03-Feb-20 07:37:56

Childbirth is bizarrely competitive in some circles. I had an ELCS because DS was measuring very big. The reason I did this is because I was worried about him getting stuck on his way out. The way some people have spoken to me it's as if I decided that I'd take the "easy" option. Recovery gets better, I'm nearly 11 weeks PP and I can do all the things you mention. Getting out to drive was a huge thing for me and the doctor was able to sign me off at 5 weeks. The most important thing is that you and your DD are here and are safe and it won't be long before nobody gives a hoot about how she got here.

Pipandmum Mon 03-Feb-20 07:41:53

When my husband's ex found out I had a section she said 'oh so not a real birth then'! Felt pretty damn real to me!
Things often don't go as expected when giving birth, but stop talking about it and focus on your baby. People are completely insensitive at times.

LilyPinkNoah Mon 03-Feb-20 07:50:28

I went through the same twice OP at 37 weeks with one baby in SCBU and the other nearly died and was in NICU. There were numerous failings in the car that lead to these events for my babies and for me.

However my BIL who is an anaesthetist said at least you’re both ok - alive and home (this was after 2.5 weeks in hospital with both). Initially I was really cross I had bad PND and felt the world was against especially when my SIL and MIL acted like nothing abnormal had happened. Other did say it’s just lucky it all worked out - etc - I just think people don’t know what to say - and I think like you I did grieve the loss of a natural birth (NCT doesn’t help with the fear)! Ultimately I thought yes I am lucky I’m alive my baby is alive - it didn’t go all the way I planned but now I can work on having time with my baby.

I think we want people to be sympathetic - but I almost think my brother in law was right - we were all ok and alive. I’m not undermining your feelings but you will start thinking you are lucky - speak to your HV mine was an immense support to me.

LilyPinkNoah Mon 03-Feb-20 07:52:04

*care not car

PrinkingPreening Mon 03-Feb-20 07:55:26

They are actually trying to make you feel better about the whole thing by pointing out some things they think are positives.

Obviously they are not the most sensitive people in the world (and/or not aware of the full situation). You were not "lucky" and they are making you feel worse.

GrumpyHoonMain Mon 03-Feb-20 09:26:10

With placental failure / insufficiency / IUGR it could have gone a whole lot worse so you probably are lucky.

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