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Having no birthing partner

(16 Posts)
TANYA90 Tue 17-Dec-19 15:32:07

I had my first two children in hospital with there dad as my birthing partner I had my third at home with her father as my birthing partner in now having baby 4 have planned a home birth but have recently split he has told me he doesn’t want anything to do with the children and will not be seeing this baby I would still like a home birth but I don’t have anyone else I’d want here I have coped well with labour never had any pain relief and carried on doing things right up till the point of needing to push with all 3 of my other so I’m not scared of having the baby as I’m sure I’ll cope my only worry is that my youngest is 1 my oldest is 13 and is great with her always taking her off my hands playing with her so I can cook tea and or tidy something up would it be unfair of me to ask her to watch her siblings while I was giving birth I’d be here doing it all right up till the point of pushing which I would obvs go to my bedroom which I will have all set up for it im due while she would be on school holidays I would ask my parents if I really had to but would rather have the kids here with me and be able to see the baby strait away don’t really want my parents here I kept it secret for a long time as me and my ex wanted to have it to ourselves for a bit then told the children and even tho I’m over half way now iv still managed to keep it quiet as I don’t see much of my family we were planning a big Xmas reveal but I dont really feel like that now so I’m not even sure how I’ll tell people the kids know but only them and me I think that might be why I’m so much wanting to just keep the birth really private aswell has anyone else had to go a birth alone especially a home birth id like to know how it all went for you

OP’s posts: |
Stillabitemo Tue 17-Dec-19 15:55:08

Are you planning on having midwives help you at home?

TANYA90 Tue 17-Dec-19 16:22:14

Yes I will have midwifes from the home birth team as I did with my last but they make it very clear they are there for you and the baby they cannot help care for your other children so you must have someone who can be there for them if they are to stay at home with you and I’m thinking my daughter is 13 and could be in charge she can cook change a nappy run a bath for the little ones she’s very helpful and the little ones go to bed by them self’s and have a good routine so I’m pretty sure she could handle the little kids if they needed anything while I was actually giving birth and would help out if I needed the help just after the birth I was just wondering if anyone else had ever been in a similar situation and what they had done

OP’s posts: |
itsnotraworcold Tue 17-Dec-19 16:24:30

I wouldn’t have a 13 year old in charge of a one year old while you give birth, sorry flowers

Lemonsaretheonlyfruit Tue 17-Dec-19 16:27:25

My ex left whilst i was pregnant and had a home birth. I had my 2 friends here with me. They were both amazing and it felt like such a special experience. Both having had babies themselves, they knew exactly what I was going through and they were amazing, and arguably far more use than my ex had been with my first DC.

With us 3 and the 2 midwives, it felt like such a all female empowering experience. Do you have a close friend or 2?

AuntieMaggie Tue 17-Dec-19 16:27:39

I'm sure the midwives would insist on an adult bring there to care for the children in case something went wrong. I think at 13 that's too much responsibility.

Lemonsaretheonlyfruit Tue 17-Dec-19 16:29:12

I sent my DC next door.. but what also meant to say is. Whilst she was still around, i had another friend looking after her.

TANYA90 Tue 17-Dec-19 16:53:51

I am going to ask my parents to be on call for if anything was to go wrong or I needed them but not sure they are going to be very supportive as they weren’t when I announced my previous pregnancy so wouldn’t want them there if at all possible and I obviously want to speak to my daughter and make sure she’s comfortable if she wasn’t then I’d have to have my mum come watch the kids I know all labours are different but iv always coped so well even the midwifes have been surprised about how I handled it so I doubt I’d need my daughter to really do much as it would only be watching them whilst I actually pushed the baby out the others 12 so she wouldn’t really need to be watching him I only really have one close friend and she has kids herself and their dad is unreliable so wouldn’t be able to guarantee been with me and tbh I’d rather just do it alone I’ll be raising the baby alone so may aswell just start off by bring the baby into the world alone is how I feel right now

OP’s posts: |
Khione Tue 17-Dec-19 17:13:14

Ask your daughter how she feels about it. If she feels proud to be part of it, wants to and thinks she can cope then go with it - make sure she has your parent's number so there is someone she can call for advice if she needs it.
Also how do her and the next child get on. Are they likely to be awkward for her - I think that is another consideration.

highhopess Tue 17-Dec-19 17:21:40

Absolutely not.
What if something was to go wrong with you or baby and it’s a highly stressed environment and you need an ambulance. It’s okay your parents being on call but how quick can they get there.

Also I do not think it’s appropriate leaving a 13 year old looking after 2 other children - she won’t be able to ask for help. It’s a lot to put on her as she will know she’s not allowed to disturb you.

I don’t think the plan is a good one and I bet the midwifes are a bit hmm too.

Sorry op I know your in a predicament but just my opinion.

TANYA90 Tue 17-Dec-19 18:31:14

The kids get on fine and yes my daughter has an iPhone so can video my parents who live less than 10 mins away I am good friends with a neighbour but as she is currently undergoing cancer treatment I wouldn’t want to put on her as she may not be well enough to help out with the kids I am obviously planning on talking to my daughter And making sure she feels she can and wants to do it I wouldn’t just expect it of her and would obvs have back up plans incase things don’t go well with my parents living close to us

OP’s posts: |
CloudyVanilla Mon 23-Dec-19 05:14:41

If your parents I so close by I would send the kids round there. It's not going to be like she's looking after them on a normal day - what if the younger kids are distressed by not being able to interact with you normally, or by the noise?

It sounds like an inappropriate amount of stress for both DD and you, and the midwives as well. You need to be able to focus on giving birth. What if you needed to be rushed to hospital? It's unfair IMO of you to expect this from your DD with no support. Your parents may not be supportive of your pregnancy but surely they would be willing to help with your existing children for a few hours?

Teateaandmoretea Thu 26-Dec-19 10:56:49

I really think you need to have an adult on hand. If you have to get rushed to hospital (I know you've had no issues before but that is no guarantee) and the midwives won't/ aren't happy to leave the children what happens then? I imagine you are risking a social services referral, 13 is very young to be in sole control of a 1yo. There must be someone who would have the children? FWIW most people I think would even if they weren't your closest friend in the world in this scenario.

Thoughtlessinengland Thu 26-Dec-19 19:13:47

This is a bizarre plan, sorry OP. That 13 year old is a child. She is a kid. That’s too much responsibility on her hands. What gives? There seriously is nobody they can go to when time comes especially as parents so close by? Nobody who can pop in to be with you?

VivaLeBeaver Thu 26-Dec-19 19:20:02

There needs to be an adult on hand in case you need urgently transferring by ambulance. Having your parents ten mins away may not be good enough, though yes practically it’ll take longer than ten mins for an ambulance to get to you and be ready to leave. But I don’t think the midwives would be impressed with there being no adult there who can realistically take responsibility for the kids. Because when you’re pushing a baby out you can’t say that you can.

Boymummy3 Thu 26-Dec-19 21:08:32

I 100% have to agree with others on this one I don't think it's appropriate to leave your 13 Yr old looking after siblins. Although she sounds very helpful on a day to day basis which is brilliant I think it's a bit too much to ask of her for when your in labour She of course will probally say yes she's fine with it but she's never had to do this before I don't think it's fair to ask her. Why can't you get your mum/friend/neighbour around even if its for the last half hour of your labour just so there is at least one other adult in the house who can look after your children. I can't imagein the midwives being comfortable having to see to you and the baby and knowing there is 3 other kids in the house with no adult supervision.

Obviousally it could be all Plain sailing like your other births but you need to also be realistic every pregnancy and birth is different and untill you are in that situation you really don't know how it's going to go. If God forbid one of your children had an accident whilst your mid pushing your baby out what would you do? You couldn't get up and go make sure they are OK and neither would the midwives.. Or if your LO is poorly that day just say you can't then expect your 13yr old to look after LO... (just scenarios of course but I think you do need to be more realistic about the sitaution).
You sound very determined to do this alone which is totally fine and having another adult in the house but downstairs is still you doing it alone they are just there to keep your other children safe. X

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