FTM due in 6 months, but my in-laws already planning their visit for the birth

[keepingiteasy]

I'm a first time mom. Both me and my DH's families live overseas. I'm very close to my mom so i'm inviting her to come and support me right after the birth (both emotionally and practically like cooking and cleaning). My aunt is a professional doula so i'm asking her to come along at the beginning as well.

All along my DH and I thought that his parents will visit at a later date (when my mom and aunt have gone). However we just found out that my MiL had actually been planning to come for the birth as well, and is now very upset because we don't seem too thrilled about it. The thing is, my MiL has mobility issues so she wouldn't be able to help out (in fact we'd have to worry about how to get her from one place to the next!), and on top of that it's always been super stressful for both me and my DH whenever she visits for various reasons. However my DH thinks that he couldn't say no to her, and he thinks we'd be ok as long as MiL and FiL do not stay in our house (the closest hotel is 1 mile away, but MiL will require a ride for this distance).

Since everyone has to take a long-haul flight to get here they might all get their tickets to come a week or two BEFORE the due date, and since my DH won't be able to take time off before i go into labour it'll mean that i'll have to entertain his parents (along with my own mother and aunt!) when i'm heavily pregnant.

I don't know how long my MiL and FiL plan to stay, but i am really worried that it will be too much, both for me and for my DH. I got quite emotional trying to explain my concerns to DH , but i also don't want to make him feel like he's between a rock and a hard face. I don't mind his parents coming to see the baby, but I just don't think i can cope with everyone being here at the same time when we're becoming parents for the first time and trying to cope and survive ourselves.

Sorry it's a long rant but i'd appreciate advice on how I can make the situation better / how we can communicate this to my in-laws tactfully!

[GrumpyHoonMain]

Your DH just needs to tell them that he is unable to take time off before the baby’s born, and it’s not safe for you to drive, so they should delay their visit to after the baby is born. He should give them a date and be firm about it.

I also think there is no reason for you to bring your aunt AND mum over - if you want a doula hire one, and just have your mum over to help.

[Ribenaberriesgowoo82]

On the contrary, I think having a doula that you are already close to will only be a good thing and will help you relax. I don't see any problem with having your aunt and mum there when you labour.

Such a shame his mum isn't as able as your family. It would be nice for your DH to have that family support too but if she will be more of a hindrance (for want of a better word!) then that will be difficult all round.

Good luck

[raspberrymolakoff]

I think you could try to look at your in laws as a source of help. When my DD gave birth we decided to travel to where she lives, absolutely NOT to stay with her! She said "I don't think we will be ready for visitors" I replied I wasn't coming to visit I was coming to help if needed. Several years on she says she hadn't understood how much there is to do and she remembers fondly having time with her baby whilst I clattered around doing the chores. I know your case has mobility issues so it all comes down to how much she has to give. Just communicate. Say you'd welcome help but can't be entertaining. It also depends on the level of competence of your relative. My own DM was totally useless so she and my DF stayed with my husband and dog sat when I was in hospital (6 days back in the day) and then I asked her to go home as she would have been ineffectual and the house was tiny. They couldn't afford to stay elsewhere. It's all about your own circumstances.

[feelingsinister]

I'd tell your husband to explain to his parents that you really want to see them and for them to meet the baby. Then explain that it would be so much more helpful (even if it isn't) if they could come after your mum has left to spread out the support and visitors.

If he doesn't do this or they don't listen then it's time to get really firm.

[codenameduchess]

Tell your in-laws it's too soon and they can come after the baby arrives.
How long is everyone planning on staying? If they are coming a week or two before your due date there is potentially a month of waiting if you go over your EDD then however long after the birth. Can your mum and aunt commit to that length of stay? What would your in-laws plans be if they are staying in a hotel?

[keepingiteasy]

Thank you all for your helpful suggestions!

My DH has come around to share my concern (about having everyone here at the same time), and luckily my FiL is quite understanding so we're hoping he can help slowly instil the idea in MiL that it'd actually work better for everyone if they come at a later date (e.g., it'll be easier for us and they'd also be able to spend more time with the baby).

We still have a bit of time so we really hope my MiL will come to this conclusion on her own.

As for my mom and aunt, i'm not sure how early i should ask them to come... Would two weeks before the due date be too early? They get along very well so i'm hoping they'll be able to keep each other company when i'm too exhausted to do anything! My DH didn't protest but i'm pretty sure he'd prefer having more time with just me rather than having 3 women in the house before the baby comes. :P

[TheLovleyChebbyMcGee]

I'm assuming you are in North America somewhere? 2 weeks before is way way to early. First time can go overdue, I went 11 days over and would have been induced that day if I hadn't gone into labour on my own. I'm not sure if it's the same where you are.

Are your mum and Aunt staying with you? That's a lot to ask of your partner, could your mum and Aunt come after your partner is back at work?

[Autumntoowet]

I don’t get all these people that asume or think they can come.
Your family are coming to help, you invited them, you have a plan.
You can’t be having everyone there not to upset people.
Believe, the moment baby is here for the rest of your life you will make decisions that some people will get upset about.
Anything can happen, you might need recovery or anything.
I would say no.
Plus for a baby who has spent 10 months in utero quietly having to come out to that? No thanks