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How to get an overbearing parent to listen during labour?

(55 Posts)
Abs24601 Tue 27-Aug-19 22:57:49

I’m currently 28 weeks pregnant and making my birthing plan. I decided I don’t want any photos taken and here lies my issue. I want my mum as my birthing partner, however, she wants to take pictures of baby’s head as it’s crowning and photos of nitty gritty stuff.

I’ve tried chatting to her saying it isn’t what I want for my labour, but she’s pretty quick to shut me down saying about “how in her labour she wish she had pictures of the same” if they were just for me and my eyes only then maybe I would consider it but she wants them for herself to look back on. (Strange imo). I don’t know how to say to her no it’s not going to happen and to tell her if she’s completely set with taking pictures that I don’t want her there at all.

The struggle is I live with my parents and I don’t want to make it awkward at home either as I have no where else to go and ideally I would like mum to be there because I have no one else willing to be a birthing partner my SO is squeamish so doesn’t want to be there

Can I have some advice please because I really don’t know what to do? Do I just let her get on with it and just feel uncomfortable in my most vulnerable moments or somehow do it with no support?

OP’s posts: |
Widgetsframe Tue 27-Aug-19 23:00:47

You tell her that it’s yourway, or no way. Five a friend to stand up for birth partner

DollyDaisyMayMight Tue 27-Aug-19 23:02:19

Tell the midwife privately - she will absolutely safeguard you from someone taking unwanted intimate pictures.

GreenTulips Tue 27-Aug-19 23:02:48

I agree it’s weird

Just tell her no photos or no attendance. Tell her you’ve asked another friend if she can’t agree.

Abs24601 Tue 27-Aug-19 23:06:59

My issue is I have no one else to ask as no one I am friends with lives in the local area

OP’s posts: |
DollyDaisyMayMight Tue 27-Aug-19 23:09:23

Have your mum - but just let the staff know that you don’t wish for photos to be taken. They will be tactful but forceful in not allowing this to happen.

BertrandRussell Tue 27-Aug-19 23:12:39

The baby’s father can stay at the head end. Saying he’s squeamish is no reason for not being there to support you.

RoLaren Wed 28-Aug-19 11:14:04

You need to get strong here. I suspect she'll continue to dominate you once the baby is born regarding your choices. I know you're busy (having a baby!) but now is the time for you to look at yourself and your life situation and step up. Take this momentous opportunity to be the best, strongest, most adult person possible.

Good luck and much love x

tirednhungry247 Wed 28-Aug-19 11:21:06

If you won't be strong now mum will completely over bear you when baby is here too. Trust me. Drop her a text when your out of the houses

"Hi Mum, so I've been thinking quite a while about this now and I just really need you to know I'm being quite serious when I say I don't want any intimate pictures of me giving birth. I know where your coming from but it's my labour and I want to respect the moment I'm in and do things my way. I know you'll understand. So no pictures."

Seeline Wed 28-Aug-19 11:23:35

I'd be cautious about having her as a birthing partner at all. If she won't follow your wishes now are you sure she will be following your wishes if she has to advocate for you during the birth? Your partner needs to be completely on your side, and you need to trust what they will do if you are not in a position to deal with things yourself.

I think your SO needs to step up and support you. Being a bit squeamish is not a valid argument - they don't have to be down the business end! How will they cope with nappy changes and puke etc?

UterusesBeforeDuderuses Wed 28-Aug-19 11:24:21

The baby's father is squeamish so he's happy to leave you to it and miss the birth of his child?
Re the photos, you need to put your foot down. Your vagina, your labour, your rules.

PotteringAlong Wed 28-Aug-19 11:27:36

She doesn’t come. The baby’s father does. This is your first parenting test. Is she making the decisions for you and your baby or are you? Because if you let her do this then it will be her decision about feeding / weaning / nursery / school etc etc

Windydaysuponus Wed 28-Aug-19 11:35:40

Tell her she is just bloody weird imo!
Unless you want your fanjo famous on fb /similar!
She isn't listening to you now - she won't listen on keeping the pics private
Doesn't bode well for being a good dgm either...

Offredismysister Wed 28-Aug-19 11:38:38

She probably won’t be allowed to anyway as most maternity departments have strict policies on taking photographs/videos of the actual birth.

Lozz22 Wed 28-Aug-19 14:06:58

My Fella nearly faints at the sight of his own blood let alone anyone else's but when we have our Baby he wouldn't miss the birth for anything. He's already said he'll be top end holding my hand and whispering words of encouragement. As for someone wanting to take pictures of the Baby crowning erm no!!

GladAllOver Wed 28-Aug-19 16:02:35

Put your foot down and insist that the baby's father is there for the birth.
He was happy enough to get the thing in there and he should be around when it comes out.
Is he going to be able to care for the child, change nappies? Now is the time to stop being squeamish.

PerspicaciaTick Wed 28-Aug-19 16:07:16

This is what birth plans are brilliant for. "No photos or video" in big red letters at the top of your planner and a word with you midwife on arrival should get them firmly on your side.

Drum2018 Wed 28-Aug-19 16:13:16

Your partner can sit beside your head facing away. Alternatively your midwife will be there to support you so you won't necessarily even need anyone else if your partner really can't bring himself to support you pushing his baby out - shame you can't make a decision to avoid the birth 🙄. No way would I have anyone there who thinks they have the right to take intimate photos of your nether regions without your consent. It's pretty sick that she is so insistent. If you do allow her to be your birthing partner then make sure the staff know that no phone or camera is allowed into the labour ward until after baby is born. Start standing up for yourself now because you'll be in for a whole lot of trouble after baby is born if you don't. Your mother will take over. Hopefully you and partner will get a place of your own soon.

S1naidSucks Wed 28-Aug-19 16:14:16

Please stand up for yourself before your baby is born, otherwise you’ll not have the strength to stand up for your baby, when she starts taking over. You know she will, don’t you, OP? If she can’t respect your wishes not to have your bloody bits from being photographed, then she’s not going to give a fuck about your rights, regarding holding the baby first, breast feeding in privacy or at all, changing nappies, choice of clothes, name, sleeping pattern, etc. The explosive argument with your mother will happen at some stage, it’s best to put your foot down and get it out of the way now.

GummyGoddess Wed 28-Aug-19 16:19:59

No, do you want her flashing pictures of your vagina to all her friends and family? Either do it alone or with your partner as she doesn't seem like she will listen.

Also what parent wants photos of their daughters vagina anyway? It's bizarre.

RatherBeRiding Wed 28-Aug-19 16:24:51

If she's going to be that pig-headed you would be better off going it alone. You will be just fine with the midwives - at least they will treat you with respect and listen to you!

And how the hell is your partner going to cope with dirty nappies and baby vomit if he's so squeamish he can't bear to be at the birth??

SnuggyBuggy Wed 28-Aug-19 16:26:47

Don't have her OP. I'd consider giving birth alone if there is no one else.

TixieLix Wed 28-Aug-19 16:28:12

I'd be quite blunt and tell her you wouldn't let her have pictures of your genitals on a normal day, and you especially don't want her gazing at pictures of a baby being squeezed out of your vagina! Tell her it's your way or she won't be there. I agree your OH should be there at the head end. No need for him to see the action down below if he doesn't want to. Also speak to the midwives as they can stop her if you don't want pictures taken during the birthing process.

IAmcuriousyellow Wed 28-Aug-19 16:29:49

How bloody dare she?? She had her chance when it was her fanny giving birth! Honestly the nerve of it. I wouldn’t let her in at all if she’s going to take intrusive photos against your wishes. You poor soul. As others have said, if you tell your midwife she will make sure it doesn’t happen.

OurChristmasMiracle Wed 28-Aug-19 16:33:47

Now is the time to say to your mum “I understand you have regrets from your labour/birth experiences and I welcome your suggestions. However this is MY baby, and my birth, if you can’t respect my decisions then I feel it’s better someone else is my birth partner or I do it alone”

Honestly being upright and stressed during birth is not good for you or the baby. Also if you give in now, she’s going to think she can just trample all over your boundaries going forwards.

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