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Childbirth

Not sure how I feel about my Son's birth...!

28 replies

felicityheather · 22/05/2019 21:26

Hello to anyone reading this... I'm home from hospital currently on day three with little one and suddenly feeling a little overwhelmed and feel I need to share my birth story. I don't quite feel able to share with husband / family / friends and I'm not entirely sure why? I was hoping to share on here and maybe that will help me feel a little more in touch with everything...

Also fully aware today's the dreaded 'baby blues' day and I feel a little emotional so maybe that's part of it.

DH and I found out we were expecting this little one on the back of a chemical pregnancy, following three more miscarriages in the year prior and several years of infertility investigations / PCOS. We were naturally excited but nervous. I found pregnancy hard and had severe morning sickness from five weeks to delivery. Through my second trimester I developed a more severe anxiety about the health of our little one and got to the point where I was having thoughts of suicide / abortion around 20-26 weeks.

Around 28 weeks my blood pressure was high and I ended up being monitored by the hospital twice weekly. Baby was also measuring 97th percentile so didn't help my anxiety.

Through the third trimester, my bp stabilised and my anxiety improved as we approached my due date. Then last week I felt the symptoms of high birth and at my routine community midwife appointment if was 170/105 and I had protein again. I was asked to go straight to hospital and advised they were likely to induce the same day as I was 38+3. My parents drove me in as DH was at work and they admitted me, diagnosed me as pre eclamptic and started the induction with the 24 hour pessary that night.

Saturday was a long but reasonably uneventful day with plenty of mild contractions and boredom. Saturday night the pessary dropped out early hours a little early and the midwife said they'd probably go for the next step in the morning. I dozed through the early hours, my contractions almost non-existent disappointed that not a lot was going on. When I got up, I had no contractions and felt very disappointed.

At 7:30 I had a sudden painful contraction. Then I had a few more, maybe ten minutes or so apart. I rang DH to come in thinking I'd need the moral support if I was already finding things hard. I asked for some painkillers and had some paracetamol and coedine with breakfast. I had set up my tens machine the previous evening for my more mild contractions so I continued to use this, and spent a couple of hours leaning on the window sill breathing deeply through them frustrated at how difficult I was finding things already.

The midwife offered to examine me saying maybe I wouldn't need the next pessary and things might progress on their own. I think she was surprised as I was that my waters are bulging and I was 9cm.

DH and I happily moved through to delivery and met another lovely midwife. I was told I couldn't use the water as I would have liked due to my high bp which I expected but found disappointing. They set me up with a continuous CTG but luckily it was mobile as I couldn't imagine sitting or lying down. They set up a cannula in my hand which I didn't like especially.

I felt like I needed to go to the toilet but couldn't work out which muscles to use. I kept sitting on the toilet and getting frustrated when the automatic flush kept going off!

I think this went on for around an hour. Midwife was struggling to get a good trace on little one's heart rate I think due to my movement. Eventually she suggested we break my waters which she did. I was still 9cm I think.

I got very anxious around this point and scared about how to do the next step. I asked for gas and air as I was concerned I wouldn't manage without it. I didn't love the gas and air but it did seem helpful/ distracting and I used it on / off for this stage, trying to keep my anxiety in check.

Midwife still didn't get a good trace. She was saying she wasn't sure if baby's heart rate was low or if she was picking up mine instead. She asked to put a clip on baby's head which I reluctantly agreed to. I got on the bed for this which was very uncomfortable. Almost immediately she was saying baby's heart rate wasn't good and we needed baby out. I was almost immediately pushing and unable to get off the bed. I'm not sure if the position change or the news was what triggered it because I had felt the urge for a little while before but hadn't been very committed?! I know my eyes were closed almost entirely from then until delivery. There were three midwives in the room then coaching my pushing, I think because of the concern of heart rate and I was put in stirrups pretty quickly. I remember just saying 'breathe' every time I wanted the gas which DH was holding and refusing to open my eyes. I also wanted to put my hand down to the canal, I think to relive pressure as he was crowning but couldn't because of the cannula. Eventually I accidentally tore the cannula out of my hand in the last few minutes. There was a lot of coaching about pushing baby out quickly and not resting because of the concern over heart rate. Suddenly they were saying just breathe, head was being delivered but all of a sudden he shot out. I think I hadn't worked out how to slow the pushing and he fired out in a oner much to everyone's surprise.

He was placed straight on me, concerns relieved, and I assume I was given syntocin to expel the placenta which I delivered a couple of minutes later (apparently it was over 4kg on its own!). The doctor had turned up by now and was examining me. I vaguely remember being told I'd torn badly and hemmoraged with around 1 litre blood loss and was still bleeding heavily. They told me I'd need surgery immediately and I was wheeled through and a spinal placed around 30 mins after his delivery. Dh was allowed to come in with our little one and I was very upset that I couldn't reach them or touch him.

I ended up loosing 1.5-2 litres of blood. Apparently I had a second degree tear backwards and a long tear forwards very close to my clitoris and urethra. I'd also torn both labia, one more than the other. This was repaired and they offered to let me hold baby as they wheeled me back but I said I felt 'spacey'. They took my bp and it was now 60/30. I was put on the high dependency unit. I obviously had no movement in my legs, a catheter, a bp cuff on my right arm doing five minute checks and a cannula in my left arm delivering drugs and fluids. I could barely move. They put baby in a crib right next to my bed but I couldn't reach him and was so upset. I just wanted to touch him but couldn't reach my arm over.

Eventually as I stabilised I was given baby and felt much better. Baby was weighed at 8lb11 (chunky for early, but still less than his own placenta!!!) He fed just a little and the midwife dressed him for me. After shift change we had another midwife, still 1:1 I assume because of all the drama and extra checks. We had the room to ourselves and DH actually had a pull out bed. Baby was reasonably settled and fed a little. Midwife helped me express colostrum to keep him cosy.

My pulse and temperate were high so they treated me with extra antibiotics for risk of sepsis.

I was sick a few times but generally ok. In the morning I was helped out of bed and managed a shower. I was advised to catherta needed to stay in for another 24 hours due to how close the tear was to my urethra but moved onto the postnatal ward.

We had an ok day here but I felt very helpless. I found the cannula frustrating and in the way for feeding etc. Both my patents, DH's and his brother and girlfriend all came to visit ... tag teaming in for the Visiting hours while peadstrician did his checks. Apparently as I was being treated for sepsis baby should have his own via IV but doc agreed that it might be overkill as we both seemed well. I found this stressful as baby was also fussy and not feeding as well through the afternoon : evening.

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felicityheather · 22/05/2019 21:38

Afternoon / evening.

Baby fed almost continuously through the evening / night and wouldn't settle unless he was on the boob. My pulse / bp and temp all went back up and they wanted to give my more IV antibiotics but my cannula was leaking. They spent nearly two hours trying to site a new one and eventually gave up and gave me oral antibiotics.

My catheta was removed in the morning and after lots more checks I was discharged mid afternoon with a bag full of drugs and daily injections I need to give myself for 6 weeks.

We had a reasonably good evening at home. Baby fed for hours after dh went to bed. Eventually he settled around 2/3 and we had a dozy night/morning. Today has also been pretty good. Made it to the gp for my community Check (need to go daily for now) and my parents came for a quick cuddle. Baby has done another marathon feed. Feel like my milk is coming in well. He's now dozing on my chest and dh is fixing my dinner.

I think I just don't know how I feel about everything.

In lots of ways I feel it was positive. The induction was smoother than I could have hoped. I managed contractions and labour with not a lot of pain relief and I'm proud of that. Baby is well and we bonded well that first day. But so much else happened that was so hard. I feel like maybe the induction and labour (maybe birth) were positive but the hospital stay in general was not?

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