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Mother in law..

(27 Posts)
JJR17 Thu 15-Nov-18 17:31:32

My first baby is due in 6 weeks and my boyfriend's mum has been constantly saying she's coming to the birth... and not like asking, or hinting, just outright TELLING me that she's coming, and there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm planning a home birth and I only want my mum and boyfriend there, which I'm sure she knows because I've written it in my birth, which she's seen and picked up on, and I also make it pretty clear that I'm uncomfortable with the fact that she's inviting herself to the birth of our child... My idea is to wait until I go into labour, and just tell her at the time that I don't want her to come, but everyone is telling me I need to speak to my boyfriend about it but I feel like I'm constantly on at him about stuff to do with his mum, and I feel so badsad sorry for the long post...

OP’s posts: |
SockQueen Thu 15-Nov-18 21:53:35

Just don't tell her you've gone into labour? Or get your DH to have a word and make it clear she's not welcome until the baby has arrived safely.

birdladyfromhomealone Thu 15-Nov-18 22:32:45

If your MIl is with you in Labour it will just stall.
There is no way your labour will progress if she is there observing you.
Labour is like love making its private and you need to be in the right headspace to let go and let it happen.
Tell your DP to NOT tell her until baby is born.
And google Michel O'dent Neocortex

birdladyfromhomealone Thu 15-Nov-18 22:38:00

birthworks.org/silence-in-labor/

birdladyfromhomealone Thu 15-Nov-18 22:42:49

DON’T STIMULATE THE NEOCORTEX OF A LABOURING WOMAN!

From a practical point of view it is useful to explain what this means and to review the well-known factors that can stimulate the human neocortex:

- language, particularly rational language is one such factor. When we communicate with language we process what we perceive with our neocortex. This implies, for example, that one of the main qualities of a birth attendant is her capacity to keep a low profile and to remain silent, to avoid in particular asking precise questions. Imagine a woman in hard labour, and already "on another planet". She dares to scream out; she dares to do things she would never do otherwise; she has forgotten about what she has been taught or read in books; she has lost her sense of time and then she finds herself in the unexpected position of having to respond to someone who wants to know at what time she had her last pee! Although it is apparently simple, it will probably take a long time to rediscover that a birth attendant must remain as silent as possible.

- Bright light is another factor that stimulates the human neocortex. Electroencephalographers know that the trace exploring brain activity can be influenced by visual stimulation. We usually close the curtains and switch off the lights when we want to reduce the activity of our intellect in order to go to sleep. This implies that, from a physiological perspective, a dim light should in general facilitate the birth process. It will also take a long time to convince many health professionals that this is a serious issue. It is noticeable that as soon as a labouring woman is on ‘another planet’ she is spontaneously driven towards postures that tend to protect her against all sorts of visual stimulation. For example she may be on all fours, as if praying. Apart from reducing the back pain, this common posture has many positive effects, such as eliminating the main reason for fetal distress (no compression of the big vessels that run along the spine) and facilitating the rotation of the baby’s body.

- A feeling of being observed is another type of neocortical stimulation. The physiological response to the presence of an observer has been scientifically studied. In fact, it is common knowledge that we all feel different when we know we are being observed. In other words, privacy is a factor that facilitates the reduction of neocortical control. It is ironic that all non-human mammals, whose neocortex is not as developed as ours, have a strategy for giving birth in privacy - those who are normally active during night, like rats, tend to give birth during the day, and conversely others like horses who are active during the day tend to give birth at night. Wild goats give birth in the most inaccessible mountain areas. Our close relatives the chimpanzees also move away from the group. The importance of privacy implies, for example, that there is a difference between the attitude of a midwife staying in front of a woman in labour and watching her, and another one just sitting in a corner. It implies also that we should be reluctant to introduce any device that can be perceived as a way to observe, may it be a video camera or an electronic fetal monitor.

- Any situation likely to trigger a release of hormones of the adrenaline family also tends to stimulate the neocortex and to inhibit the birth process as a result. When there is a possible danger, mammals need to be alert and attentive. This implies that a labouring woman first needs to feel secure. The need to feel secure explains why all over the world and down throughout the ages many women had a tendency to give birth close to their mother, or close to a substitute for their mother – an experienced mother or grandmother - in the framework of the extended family or in the framework of the community… a midwife. A midwife is originally a mother figure. The mother is the prototype of the person with whom one feels secure, without feeling observed and judged.

Michel Odent is the French surgeon who introduced water births. He has written many books and doulas are encouraged to read his work.

NameChange30 Thu 15-Nov-18 22:43:07

"My idea is to wait until I go into labour, and just tell her at the time that I don't want her to come, but everyone is telling me I need to speak to my boyfriend about it but I feel like I'm constantly on at him about stuff to do with his mum, and I feel so badsad sorry for the long post..."

Your idea is stupid. She's already made it clear she doesn't respect your wishes. So when you tell her not to come, she will come.

DON'T TELL HER when you go into labour. It's not rocket science.

And you decided to have a child with this man so you need to woman up and talk to him about his mother. She's not going to go away and it will get worse after the baby is born.

Trust me, been there.

mamansnet Fri 16-Nov-18 07:13:02

Either have your baby in hospital, where medical staff will keep her out (it's part of their job to block entrance to unwanted visitors) or don't tell her until after the baby is born.

I'd be kicking your bf up the arse on this, he is NOT supporting you enough and allowing you to get stressed at the very time you need it least.

One of you needs to say it to her face in very stern and straight terms: 'MIL, you will not be present at the birth of this child, and you need to get used to that idea now.' Then she can't get (as) pissy with you after the deed is done.

I'm not in the UK but I thought home births were not advised for FTMs? Personally I'd be going to a hospital to have my baby, where you concentrate on getting through labour and not panicking about her turning up at any minute.

Surfskatefamily Fri 16-Nov-18 07:18:48

Just tell her that if she cant agree not to come then unfortunatly you and dp wont tell her until after baby is born.
Also explain to her that you mum is not there for the purpose of meeting baby before her. She is there as your birth partner
You giving birth is not a circus

blueskiesandforests Fri 16-Nov-18 07:22:37

Why tell her when you go into labour?

I never understood why anyone does that.

The only people you tell are people due to be with you during labour (usually just the midwives/ medical professionals and father of the baby) and people whove agreed to look after your older children, if you have them. Or people due to look after your pets if that's relevant.

Otherwise you tell people that the baby has arrived.

What earthly point does telling someone that you're in labour serve, unless theyre involved?

You do need to speak to yoyr boyfriend.

Not to go on at him.

Just to state very clearly that nobody, including his mother, is to be told that you've gone into labour. Managing anyone's feelings about that is not your problem, but if he wants he can tell her everything went too fast / was too intense to have time to make non essential calls.

Childbirth is a vulnerable time for the mother - you'll be exposed and in pain. It is not a spectator sport.

bengalcat Fri 16-Nov-18 07:29:17

You must tell your boyfriend and hope he can keep her out of the house , the room . For those saying to tell her once you've given birth there's nothing , other than a request , to stop him telling his mother . You need him on your side . You can both tell her after the event it all happened so quickly even if it doesn't . At least if you're transferred into hospital the staff will not let her in unless you request . Labour is not a spectator sport .

FoxgloveStar Fri 16-Nov-18 07:41:20

Tell her you don’t want her there. And that’s your final decision. Tell her that her presence risks stalling the labour and causing damage to both you and the baby.

Tell your BF the same and that he must not let her in or tell her when you are in labour.

Don’t tell her when you go in to labour. Lock the doors. Tell your midwife about the situation.

Selfish idiotic MIL!

Shadow1234 Fri 16-Nov-18 07:49:58

I would definitely get the message across before the baby is born - if she is like this now, one can only imagine what she will be like once the baby is here. I think your boyfriend has to step up to the plate and make it very clear to his mum that she has to take a step back, respect your wishes and let the two of you enjoy the birth of your baby.
If you give in on this one, she will see you as a pushover and then you will have more problems further down the line. Do not let her manipulate the situation! Good luck.

Sexnotgender Fri 16-Nov-18 07:56:01

Her presence will stall your labour. Speak to her NOW. Be as blunt as you want. She doesn’t give a shit about your feelings clearly.

Honestly I’d consider going to a MLU if she won’t take no for an answer.

RainbowsArePretty Fri 16-Nov-18 08:00:58

I do not understand people demanding to be at a birth. It's not a spectator event and no one would demand to be at someone's operation for example!?

Your DP should have been saying no for you. As it's now so close I would still have him say that and not tell her you are in labour

Birdie6 Fri 16-Nov-18 08:03:21

Don't tell her . Don't tell anyone .

Sexnotgender Fri 16-Nov-18 08:51:41

And your partner needs to back you up.

In labour he needs to be your advocate if things go wrong and you can’t advocate for yourself. You need to trust him implicitly.

Singlenotsingle Fri 16-Nov-18 08:55:59

Don't tell her. It never crossed my mind to be there when my ddil gave birth to the DC. Why would you? confused

DartmoorDoughnut Fri 16-Nov-18 08:57:43

Just don’t tell her?! Tell the midwives you don’t want her there. Once everyone is in make sure doors are locked?

NameChange30 Fri 16-Nov-18 09:17:15

I'm not sure I would lock the doors if I was having a home birth, what if there was an emergency and an ambulance was called - the paramedics would need to get in ASAP and midwives might have their hands full with mother and/or baby.

DartmoorDoughnut Fri 16-Nov-18 10:02:20

@NameChange30 key in the door and partner there to let paramedics in is not enough? Our doors don’t open without a key so someone would have to open their in any case so I don’t think it’s that big a deal!

DartmoorDoughnut Fri 16-Nov-18 10:02:43

Their = it hmm

NameChange30 Fri 16-Nov-18 11:51:34

True, I guess it would be no big deal for the mother's partner to unlock it. Still, I don't think that's a solution to the MIL problem. If she knows OP is in labour, she'll still turn up and ring/knock on the door until she's let in.

EnglishIrishRose Sat 17-Nov-18 11:36:24

Don't let anyone change your birth plan. If you want a home birth, have one and don't tell anyone you're going into labour as pp's have said. This is about you feeling comfortable and safe to bring your baby into the world as calmly and in control as you can. This is the one time you are allowed to be selfish!

I am a FTM planning a home birth and it's just as safe as a midwife led unit with less chance of interventions - there is a tiny increased risk of problems for the baby but that is based on the Birthplace Study 2011 which I'm sure, if you've read it, you will be fully informed anyway. This is your choice and your local midwives / home birth team should and will support you.

loveskaka Sat 17-Nov-18 11:53:50

Just say outright with a stern voice that, that's not happening. You need to start the way u mean as this sounds like the start of a very interfering, controlling, mil which u will snap at soon enough. X

justilou1 Sat 17-Nov-18 12:01:37

Just tell her when the baby’s born!!!

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