3 days postnatal and struggling...

[PinkSnowAndStars]

Hi.

I’m hoping there are others out there that can help me feel like I’m not going completely insane. I gave birth to my second DS on Wednesday morning, after an induction that started at 11am on Monday due to reduced fetal heart rate. I’m hoping writing it down might help how I’m feeling or that I can come to terms with it. First DS is 6 and it’s been a long time since I did it first time around.

I had 2 lots of the prostin tablet, which gave me some contractions but they amounted to nothing. At 2am on the Tuesday morning I was put back on the monitor, then swiftly moved to the HDU observation ward due to another reduced fetal heart rate for a couple of minutes. The Gynae doctor came in to see me, and said they were going to observe me a little longer and continue to monitor him before moving me to labour ward to break my waters.

By this point I was getting really upset and emotional and had convinced myself it was going to end in a section.

Eventually at 19.30 on Tuesday I got moved into the delivery suite ready for my waters to be broken when the shift had changed over.

A lovely midwife and student came in at 19.45 and explained what would happen next. They monitored his heart rate, had a chat about what would happen, and eventually at 20.45 my waters were broken. They monitored him for another 20 minutes and then said I could get up and shower/have a wander to see if anything started. So myself and hubby wandered up the hospital grounds to Asda and bought sandwiches/drinks before returning to the labour room for the next part.

At 22.30ish they canulated me ready for the synto drip which they started at 23.00.

This is where it gets a bit blurry. I know that I had pains which I dealt with fine for the next hour or so. And I got up, used the toilet etc. I know at some point after that I asked for Gas and Air and was given it. And I know the pain got worse and I then had pethadine.

Then everything is a bit blurry. I remember asking for an epidural. The midwife said that was fine and left the room to organise it. I remember her coming back in with the drugs and I was on the toilet screeching. She asked me if I was pushing. I know they hurriedly helped me back to the bed and were trying to get the monitor back on. At which point the lovely gynae doctor and the senior midwife entered the room. They said they could see his head. And the doctor said that his heart rate had dropped again and I needed to give them a big push or she would need to help me get him out.

He arrived safe and soundly about 3 minutes later with very little pushing.

But I keep bursting into tears and asking my husband details about what happened because I feel like I’ve lost about 4 hours of my life. And he can’t tell me. He says he was more worried about me and trying to support me. I feel really tearful simply because I feel like I don’t know what happened. And I can’t come to terms with how quickly he arrived in the end.

Is this normal? Am I going mad? It also seems so weird that this time last week I was pregnant and suddenly I have this baby. I have no complaints with the midwife or the student - they were fab. It’s just my emotions I’m struggling with.

Thanks in advance for reading and if anyone can reassure me.

[IAmMatty]

Oh love 💕

I think days 3 and 4 are always emotionally tough. You're exhausted, still in pain, feel like you've been run over, and have a new person to care for.

Your labour sounds broadly similar to my first. It did pray on my mind for quite some time, all of the ins and outs of what happened, but I found I could lay it to rest by remembering that I had placed my trust in the midwives and it had all worked out ok.

I don't know what to suggest; eat chocolate, get into bed when you can, watch crap telly, and get DH to look after you as much as he can.

[userabcname]

Hi OP - congratulations on your baby! I was induced on a drip and had gas & air and then pethidine. I can remember being hooked up to the drip and can remember the final few pushes and DS being born but the hours in between (and there were many of them!) are completely lost. I remember bits here and there (e.g. crying at one point) but mostly it's a big nothing. DH had to take me through what happened. Whether it was the pain relief or trauma of the birth, I have no idea. But I am in the same boat! I have been over and over it with DH now (baby is 9mo now) and have come to terms with my memory loss but I did find it very distressing at first. Take care of yourself and enjoy your little bundle.

[Katurah]

I also lost a few hours thanks to pethidine. My son was born at 2.20 in the afternoon and I don't really remember anything from then until about 6pm. My daughter was born in 30 minutes with no pain relief and I remember every second. It does trouble me from time to time 2 years on but not so much. Be kind to yourself, sounds quite an ordeal! Xx

[PinkSnowAndStars]

Thanks both for taking the time to reply

I think it distresses me that my husband can’t take me through it all because he doesn’t remember.

I was originally going to have a friend as birthing partner as i remember it distressing me last time but when this baby started being a little pickle and dropping his heart rate I needed my husband. I just feel a bit let down that he can’t tell me what I need to hear.

I just feel so emotional and tearful. I have my 5 day check on Monday and don’t know whether to mention it to the midwife

[INeedNewShoes]

I can't remember what it's called but I think all hospitals offer a birth debriefing service where you can talk through what happened during labour. Your community midwife should be able to tell you who to contact for this.

[SeaToSki]

Definitely mention it to the midwife. If its important to you, you should talk about it. You maybe able to have a review of your labour with someone from the hospital (I have seen other mothers talking about that on Mumsnet).

In the meantime, do you think you could get to a point where you can live alongside the memory loss. That doesnt mean giving up on knowing what happened, or carrying on being very upset about it, but just accepting that those feelings are there. They are completely valid feelings and for the moment you are just going to let them sit right there and not do anything as you are going to prioritise feeling physically better and looking after your LO.

[ijustwannadance]

Please do mention it to the midwife. Even if it's only to talk things through with a professional.
Gas and air can alter perception of time. The 4 hour pushing stage with my first seemed like 20 mins to me.

This time I was induced. Nothing for hours then bam. 4cm to baby in less than 90 mins. Contractions were horrendous and no time to sort pain relief as happened so quickly.
The thing that upset me the most was not knowing what the hell was going on as it was all so fast. I had no control over the situation.

DD is 8 weeks and I feel ok. Talking about it helps. Be kind to yourself.

[PinkSnowAndStars]

The midwife was fab - she would of sorted out the epidural earlier had I asked her too.

I don’t think it helped that I was discharged from the labour ward. I literally drove myself home at 12pm after a 04.31 birth having been induced. I never went up to the post natal ward. It’s hard.

[krisskross]

Hello op.
Sorry if I'm repeating what others said..i didn't read the whole thread but wanted to reassure you.

My first DS arrived in 3 hours from first twinge. Certainly easier than alot of others experience but it does leave you literally in shock. In the post natal ward i was kind of a bit mentally numb and just staring at him.

Immediately after my 3rd DC i haemorrhaged and has the emergency team in. Everything was a blur but all fine eventually. I struggled to establish breast feeding and blamed it all on the haemorrhage. But i did start to feel better. I Think it really helps to talk it over with your partner and think it over and soon you'll feel better. Especially when the hormones settle. Congratulations.

[xyzandabc]

Everything you're feeling is completely normal regardless of the type of birth you had. Google 'baby blues' and have a read. I remember day 4 with dc3, I was just a crying blubbering mess.

My DH got quite worried about me. I googled baby blues and showed him. It is a real thing and very very common but it should pass in a few days. How you're feeling may be down to your birth or it may well just be baby blues, give it a few days then re evaluate how your feeling, then you can decide if you need to do anything about it.

[TitusAndromedon]

I think you should absolutely speak to the midwife if you’re still feeling upset in a couple of days. I just also wanted to mention that day three after birth is notoriously awful. Your hormones are going crazy and you just won’t be able to process things properly. I spent literally the whole of day three crying. Just a constant stream of uncontrollable tears. Day four was a little better, day five a little better still and so on. Just be gentle with yourself, rest as much as you can, and of course speak to someone if you’re still feeling upset.

[Tryingtokeepfit]

Your memory loss could be down to the pethadine. Like others have said, I can't remember much after I was given the pethadine (apparently it helped me, but I just cannot for the life of me remember much in the few hours after that).

When you see your health visitor/midwife next do speak with them and they might be able to arrange a post birth debrief (I am not sure what the proper term is, but I had one with the consultant about 3 months after my emergency contact section where they explained everything)

[TheBrilloPad]

I have complete memory loss from both of my kids, and I didn't have pethidine. Couldn't tell you anything about the midwives/the room/what was said or did. Complete blank. I think it's the pure and utter exhaustion (both mine were born after 36-48 hours of no sleep for me), or just the shock and trauma, but I can't remember a thing. For the second birth, I laboured up to 7cm at home, and even put the older DC to bed and read the bedtime stories while in active labour and can't remember it at all.

I guess all I'm trying to say is that it's normal. Maybe our bodies don't want us to remember the birth in detail (because we probably wouldn't go on to have any more!!!!). Even though your husband can't provide you with the answers you want, he supported you at the time and that's the important thing.

[Jamhandprints]

I think it's the pethidine, hon. The hospital probably won't acknowledge it because they don't like to be blamed for anything. But you took a drug and it had a strong effect on you.
With the exhaustion and hormones it's so normal to worry like this but try and get some sleep if you can. Can OH take the baby tonight or tomorrow?
Everything will be ok. You'll feel so much better when you are rested.

[PinkSnowAndStars]

DH works nights and is delaying paternity leave to help me at Easter when I’ll have two to contend with.

It’s just a minefield I feel like I should be fine having done it before

[Withhindsight]

OP congratulations on the safe arrival of your lovely baby. I'd say it's the drugs, I had hallucinations and stopped feeling the contractions/ putting any effort in and ended up with a c/s. Then the next day I told the nurses DS hadn't had his Dr checks and I only remembered he had and I was there when they reminded me. You can have a meeting in a couple of weeks to go through the whole birth at hospital, I know a few people who have done this and it helped them. One said what she thought went on for over an hour and was really stressing her out only took about 5 minutes

[KittenBeast]

My first labour was utterly horrific, I honestly can't remember much apart from the screaming agony and the fact it went on for almost 2 days, towards the end I'd been stuck at 7/8 cm for 8 hours, everything that could have gone wrong went wrong and I kept being denied pain relief, so I did it entirely on gas and air, i remember the emergency buzzer being pushed and 9 (I'm told) staff rushing in, lots of panic, someone saying "this baby needs to come out there's no time to get her in to theatre" and then the forceps,the senior obstetrician with his foot up on the bed ripping my son out of me. He came out so blue, he didn't move or cry, but apparently I was delirious by this point and just kept saying "hes beautiful" I don't know where he went, I don't remember seeing him go, according to my notes he was in resuscitation for 20 minutes. I was so, so lucky, he was fine and is now a wonderful 5 year old, but it was close. I don't know whether the birth contributed to how truly awful I felt for that first month, I thought I'd never feel better, I didn't eat, I just couldn't wrap my head around anything, it was like I was suffocating. But I came out of it, you will get there, even if it seems you won't. Good luck!

[mogulfield]

I Had this Op, on days 3-10 post partum I was constantly trying to relive the birth and remember it. DH was a bit useless as it was a shock for him too.
The thing that upset me the most was the fact I couldn’t remember first aeeing my baby and his first moments... did we do skin to skin? DH couldn’t remember either and we have no photos, his first photo is when he’s an hour old.
I’m more at peace with it now, because we’re both here and healthy, and I love him to bits, I think it was hormonal with my milk coming in as well.
I think you’re totally normal but speak to your midwife.

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

Op ask if you can talk to the gynae doc or MW specifically. The hospital will have a labour ward coordinator or MW lead - try contacting them to ask to arrange this. Good luck

[justanotheruser18]

Every birth is different. There is no should. You have every right to feel shellshocked and numb. You went through great trauma and maybe suffering with shock or the baby blues. I would recommend asking your midwife about the birthing debrief. I think your GP can access this for you.
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Hopefully there are people who can help you, as your husband is not on leave currently. Hug. Be very kind to yourself.

[BareBum]

I was in total shock after a similar experience to you. I felt like I’d been hot by a train and I could not stop crying. You are not alone in feeling like this. I saw my GP and managed to nip PN depression in the bud. Ask for help.

[Batterseapark]

Around 30% of women suffer from post traumatic stress symptoms (3% full-blown PTSD). What you describe sounds similar. It is common in the weeks following birth and should get better by talking about your experience to friends and family. If the symptoms persist after the first month, you'll need professional help. Go and see your GP. (PTS symptoms and PTSD are different to postnatal depression (although you can suffer from both) but due to lack of awareness, many women are diagnosed only with PND).
In these early days, hormone levels are also all over the place and you may also be going through the baby blues (crying for no freeking reason!). Although your symptoms may persist, there's a chance you'll already feel a little better in a week or two I think.
I'm no medic but this is how I read what you're going through. Take care

[KikiA]

I think there's a service called 'my birth stories' where they go over your notes with you. I asked the midwife to run me through my notes before I was discharged as I wasn't patient enough to wait and she was kind enough to give me that time. Also, if you contact the patient advice liaison service (PALS) they can give you a copy of your notes for an administration fee of about £10 - there might also be a fee for copying them depending on how they've been stored!

It is such an overwhelming thing to give birth and, for me at least, it was only natural that I wanted to try to understand what happened as you're so focused on what you need to do to get that baby out that you're almost not there in the moment.

Happy to share my story with you if hearing some other experiences might provide you with some comfort around the events of your own birth. Well done - you did great! X

[PinkSnowAndStars]

Thank you for all your kind words. I’ll speak to the midwife tomorrow.

I’m also struggling with feeding which I know won’t be helping my mood. I guess it doesn’t seem real if that makes sense.

[PlugUgly1980]

I had pethidine with my first and can remember very little about the birth...I've no idea where time went or what happened. My DH was great but he struggles to recall anything to the same level of detail I can, and he gets frustrated with me if I ask him too many questions as most of the time he just doesn't remember lots of detail...I have to remind myself that that's 'normal' for him and it's not because he's disinterested. With my second I had an epidural from the start and in comparison I can remember everything, including the not so nice bits of my son coming out blue and me loosing a reasonable amount of blood, but it also highlighted to me how little I remember of my first...which in itself is sad. Your hormones will be all over the place too which won't help your feelings, talk to your Community midwife when she visits or HV. The first few days of feeding are tricky until your milk comes in and gets established...if you can preserve but equally don't worry if you choose to stop or top up with formula...your well being is just as important as your baby and older child.