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HELP! Home delivery after c sectio with twins

(39 Posts)
confused123455 Mon 18-Dec-17 10:20:40

Hi there,

Need some advice.

My situation is I am alone with 3 children (one 4yo and two 1yo (twins)) and am due my 4th mid Jan (4 weeks to go).

Split with my husband (they are all his) and literally have noone. I know when people say that there is always someone (mum, dad, friend) but I am literally by myself.

I had a csec with the twins last year which was fine because my 4yo went to stay with my mother and father in law (his dad wouldn't have him). But they can't help this time round and now I have 3! The only thing I can think to do would be have a home birth as I have literally no childcare. I've never used a babysitter (oh won't let me in case of abuse etc) so I can't book them for childcare and have noone on standby.

Homebirth sounds good to me, because I can have the baby, already be at home and just get on with things after he's born as normal. Saw the midwife for the first time in 5 months the other day and she said no way because of the csec and they wouldn't support it. She said to have a planned csec because of my situation, I wouldn't object to that if they can operate in the morning and I can be home by the late afternoon (like the twins), she said they wouldn't agree to that as priority on the day depends on who is there. Their dad will likely look after them until tea time if his sister and parents are there (he won't do it alone) so I can ask his sister to book the day off (I know she will) but his mum has severe mental issues and can't be alone/by herself at all (let alone look after children) and his dad has to stay with her at all times, he has heart problems too so they aren't really on board understandably this time around.

Am trying to think of solutions but at the moment am veering towards just waiting until I go into labour and when contrations are 3 mins ish apart to call a mw to come round and then there won't be much choice.

I delivered my 4yo without even gas and air (midwives refused to give me pain relief point blank) so I know I can do it again, my only worry with that plan is I don't want the new baby to be at risk. (Our local hospital is worse than appalling) there is no way I will deliver naturally there - ever, through experience of my own and one of my friends babies now has cerebal palsy because the midwives ignored her. That feels like a bigger risk than both other options.

So I'm in a bit of a pickle and would appreciate some input please!

Thank you guys xx

Chaosofcalm Mon 18-Dec-17 10:24:00

They won’t agree to Home birth unless there is an adult to look after the children.

Can you pay for childcare?

PersianCatLady Mon 18-Dec-17 10:31:34

Even if you and your husband have split up, would he not take the children for a day in these dire circumstances?

Nannyplumssillyoldelf Mon 18-Dec-17 10:36:52

Your husband needs to step up and look after his children.

confused123455 Mon 18-Dec-17 10:38:13

My ex won't let me book childcare because of potential absuse but he won't have them either. He will have them for the day provided someone is with him but he won't have them alone he says he can't cope with them all. If his sister etc is there he will have them up until tea time but he is a gamer and no it's not up for comprises he would literally bring them to the hospital and leave them there if I was still there, so I need to be home by tea time and the midwife has said that won't be possible if they can't operate until the afternoon because I won't be able to walk (from memory I think it took a few hours until I was able to walk again). I wouldn't even mind that bit if I can't walk I won't be able to look after them at the hospital either

confused123455 Mon 18-Dec-17 10:39:18

Yes he does, but reality is he won't no point in going through the would of should haves etc, just need to deal with the situation I'm in

CrossFreelancer Mon 18-Dec-17 10:41:47

It's clear as day...Your ex husband needs to take care of his children while you give birth to his 4th child...

You can't have a home birth if you have 3 children at home with noone to look after them. You will be in labour and unable to look after their needs during that time.

You are able to choose which hospital you give birth at, it doesn't need to be your local one.

Best of luck to you xx

PersianCatLady Mon 18-Dec-17 10:42:05

What do you mean, he don't let you book childcare because of possible abuse?

Why are you allowing this man to tell you what you can and can't do especially as you are alone with three kids and pregnant?

Two choicex- he looks after them OR you book childcare

CrossFreelancer Mon 18-Dec-17 10:43:10

It doesn't matter if he says he can't cope. He will have to cope for the hours you are in labour.

PersianCatLady Mon 18-Dec-17 10:43:19

Stop letting this man tell you what you can and can't do.

user1500124076 Mon 18-Dec-17 10:44:32

This whole situation is nuts! How did you end up having so many kids with such a useless man?? I'm not blaming you -- I'm just baffled!

He's going to have to step up. He's got no choice. And if he refuses, then he has no say on whether you hire childcare. He literally has not one leg to stand on regarding that issue. And you absolutely should not bend to his will. With all respect, please woman up on this. Get the childcare and ignore him. Either he takes the kids for a few days (and it has to be a few days with a c section!) or he shuts up about childcare. There's no physical way you can do all of this on your own. You just can't. It's an impossibility and quite frankly your DH needs a ginormous fucking reality check. He can't cope with the kids on his own but expects you to while also giving birth/having a section?? What the actual fuck like.

Nannyplumssillyoldelf Mon 18-Dec-17 10:44:39

If your ex is unwilling to step up and be a man then just go ahead and book childcare. Fuck what he thinks, he's got the choice to look after them but he won't so he doesn't get an opinion.

StupidSlimyGit Mon 18-Dec-17 10:47:57

They will not allow you to book a home birth without childcare at home. They will not allow you to book a home birth with a previous section. If you call when your contractions are 3 minutes apart they will send an ambulance because of your previous section and likely contact social to look after the children if you have noone there to do it.
They do this because there is a genuine risk during pregnancy and childbirth, an extra one if you've previously had a section because of ruptured scars.
If you were at home and something happened you would be essentially hoping your children could look after you until an ambulance got there.
Your ex husband has two choices, you book childcare, or he does it. There is no third choice for him and you need to be firm. This is your health and possibly even the life of you and your unborn child

confused123455 Mon 18-Dec-17 10:52:13

Can you discharge yourself from hospital? I can try to find childcare for the daytime if I book a csec, but what if I still can't walk when the time is up? I can't leave them overnight somewhere. My 4yo school will have him until 6.30pm and I should be home by then but what if I'm not? Does anyone know anything about overnight care? Do you think it's worth contacting Social services to see if they can help?

AnaWinter Mon 18-Dec-17 10:54:18

Do not have a home birth. Who is going to look after your kids if something goes very wrong? Get a temporary nanny if your useless ex won’t look after them.

confused123455 Mon 18-Dec-17 10:56:20

Ok based on what you've said I think it's best to call social services and have them stay with a foster carer or someone. Thank you for your replies x

Bl7589 Mon 18-Dec-17 10:57:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nannyplumssillyoldelf Mon 18-Dec-17 10:57:12

I would be looking at a temporary nanny too that could stay at your house. You're not going to be able to do much after a section either.

AnaWinter Mon 18-Dec-17 10:58:50

Can you afford a temporary nanny? I think it would be easier on the kids to stay in their own home rather then foster care.

PersianCatLady Mon 18-Dec-17 10:59:38

Could you contact your ex husbands parents for help?

I know it must be awful but you need to get this sorted out ASAP.

It isn't beyond the realms of possibility that you could go into labour anytime now.

Nannyplumssillyoldelf Mon 18-Dec-17 11:00:01

Where in the country are you?

StupidSlimyGit Mon 18-Dec-17 11:00:11

In my experience discharging yourself after major surgery to go take care of your children would trigger all sorts of referrals and concerns. I would try to find a sitter (possibly ask your childrens school/nurseries to recommend one?) as many will come to your home. Contacting social and asking for their help is also a very good idea as you will likely need help for a few weeks after the birth. For example you will not be able to lift your one year olds for 6-8 weeks.
My second c-section went very well, but there were a couple of emergencies earlier in the day so mine was pushed back. I wasn't on my feet (with assistance) till 9pm that night, my catheter was removed 6am the following morning and I was shuffling round quite well. Even so I wasn't allowed to be discharged till the following evening and that was on my insistence, they would happily have had me an extra night. That said if heaven forbid you suffer a bleed, or any other complication, you will be in hospital, needing care yourself even longer. It wouldn't be practical for you to be your children's only support just incase.

HoppingPavlova Mon 18-Dec-17 11:01:17

Either their father looks after them or a childminder does. If he chooses not to look after them then he has NO SAY regarding a childminder. What he wants does not enter into it, just ignore him as he is obviously a complete dick. Worst that can happen is that he is unhappy and takes you to court. Court would then direct him to have time with the kids instead of a childminder (this would be very simple in a courts mind), he will refuse, court will laugh him out. Let’s face it, he’s not even going to contemplate taking you to court over something so ridiculous so just do whatever you need to do in order to get by (not just for the birth but in general, don’t let him dictate anything to you).

elliejjtiny Mon 18-Dec-17 11:01:21

Your ex doesn't get to chose anymore because he is your ex. You need to sort out a temporary nanny or a babysitter.

PersianCatLady Mon 18-Dec-17 11:01:42

Sorry ignore the bit about his parents, just saw why they can't do it.

Who are the MIL and FIL that looked after the eldest last time??

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