How soon is it reasonable for relatives to come and visit the newborn?

[GardenDreamer]

Hello everyone,
I'm 40 years old and my wonderful husband and I are expecting our first child in a couple of months - I'm just into my 7th month. I'm a bit nervous of course. Think we've just had quite a big argument as I mentioned that I'm assuming his relatives might naturally want to hold off visiting us when the baby arrives until at least 2-3 days after we are all home so we can recover. He was quite upset and thinks I'm being over dramatic to stipulate a minimum time. Am I? I thought 2-3 days in private rest sounds ok?? I want reassurance that I'll have time to recover as I feel under pressure already with the excitedness of his big family - and he feels quite angry that his needs and the needs of his family (who are so keen to come down as soon as possible) aren't being met. I said quite calmly that I'd like to be able to see how I feel - and I feel quite angry that I'm being told by him that I'm being over-dramatic to assume that I'll need some space - but I'm only asking for 2-3 days. Is it over-dramatic or will I come home full of energy wanting to throw a street party??! I only have one member of the family, my dad, to consider as a visitor whereas my husband has a very keen large family (who are absolutely lovely by the way). I love his family - a lot, truly - but I just need to know I'll have some space. I'm happy to admit that my default setting is 'back off' in this situation (although I'd never actually say that to anyone) and also I don't come from a large family and I LOVE privacy. He's really angry with me and feels his needs aren't being met. Any kind thoughts please?

[ZaphodBeeblerox]

I think your husband is being ridiculous. You have no idea how easy/difficult birth will be and how soon you will be able to be home from hospital, plus how easy/difficult it'll be to establish feeding etc.

Also depends on whether his family are likely to be sensitive visitors (ie stay for half hour or so and make themselves tea and bring you food) or difficult (stay for hours, expect to cuddle a newborn regardless of whether they have colds, expect to be waited on, expect you to go elsewhere to breastfeed but also insist on staying in the room with the comfiest chairs etc).

I'd send them a picture and have them visit once you've had a few days at home. But that's just me.
Strange that your husband is arguing about it vehemently now - not his body being put through it and it's not like you're saying it should be weeks before they meet the new baby?

[smellybeanpole]

Take all the time you need to recover. He ain't the one giving birth.

[mezzemad]

How long is a piece of string as it depends what you want and are comfortable with.

I had my relatives visit immediately and I'd had a traumatic birth and c section. That was fine for me. It may not be fine for you!

[geoff409]

You'll be fine. Mine and my Wife's drove us mad at first, but it quietened down after a bit. Stay determined and don't get pushed around though if it gets too much. I've never quite forgiven my mother-in-law as she's quite loud and dominant and would often turn up totally out of the blue and stay for ages, so my own mum and dad used to stay away sometimes, or when they visited they'd never outstay their welcome as they new what she was like and how much time of ours she took up. Sadly my Mum died of cancer when my DD was 7 and my DS was 3. She'd been ill for about 2 years when she died, so my DS doesn't actually remember her being healthy, and doesn't recognise her in pictures she's in of when he was a baby.

[GardenDreamer]

Thank you!!! He's a wonderful man - but yes, I think he's being ridiculous too. Thing is, he gets exasperated with me sometimes and we fight when either one of us feels out of control from the other's whim - I think... his family today were talking about a hotel that they'll want to stay at and I wanted to chat to him about it. He thinks I'm really being over-dramatic to even think that I might struggle after the birth, genuinely he thinks I'm making a scene to suggest I might need to recover. I think he's bang out of order there! I hope for the best of course - but with a couple of months to go I'm just aware that I know myself and I know I'll want to go into (nice) hiding for a bit and just have some quiet. Already we are desperately trying to get a whole house decorated with only a few weeks to go really and already I'm finding it tough to prioritise time - and I think I'm looking ahead and worrying that I'll never have time to recover as I get the sense that they'll be on the doorstep in hours - I think that's what he'd like and seems to resent me having a strong opinion the other way. He seems to think that's fine - or at least he think it's wrong of me that I should find that concept so uncomfortable. I think it's completely obvious that you give the woman the time she needs bit he says what about the father... he's actually the kindest and most gentlest of men, it's why I married him, he's an angel really, bit on this issue he seems to be so angry that I'd want space. sorry for the waffle, I'm stressed - thank you!

[EssentialHummus]

You have no idea how easy/difficult birth will be

This is critical imo. I'm currently 4 days post-partum - in my case I was home the morning after birth and at Tesco the next day, but no one knows in advance. I think the right answer now is either "We'll tell you as soon as we're ready" and silver medal goes to "Let's say you pop in for an hour a week after the birth, and we'll give you a shout if sooner/longer is feasible."

But most importantly it's your body and you'll be the one physically recovering so it's entirely your decision even if his mum is the dalai fucking lama.

[peachandplum]

He can't be that kind and gentle if he's pressuring his wife to have his family visit before she's recovered from birthing his child.

[GardenDreamer]

Thank you!!! That last line made me laugh out loud (which I think I needed) big grin this end

[DarthMaiden]

It's pretty common on MN for everyone to say it's up to you - you're the one giving birth, having to deal with BF etc

To a large extent I agree and truth is, you don't know how the birth will go, so making any definitive plans is a bit fruitless.

I was fine after my birth and despite thinking I'd want to take a few days for parents to visit, found I was desperate for them to meet their new grandchild - to the extent they came over a few hours after we left hospital. It was lovely seeing them with my hours old son and we have some lovely photos . They then left us to it and next visit was a week later.

However, they were relatively local and only came for an hour each. Equally they are not needy people, so happy to get themselves a cup of tea (and wash up after) etc and not expect me and DH to run around after them.

What I couldn't have done with is a procession of
people for the days following the birth for most of the day/days immediately after - nor would I have wanted house guests who stayed over.

So I think it partly depends on travel etc. If immediate family are in a position to pop in for an hour or so, I personally don't think that's a big ask (though if you've had a C section or exhausting birth that might be different). However if you are being expected to have multiple relatives visiting and taking up the first 48 hours as you are trying to establish bf and bond with the baby then I think you need to put your foot down.

My advice would simply be to say to your DH you have no idea what the birth will be like or how either of you will feel at the time. As such it's better to set the expectation that you will need a few days after the birth to recover. If you feel differently at the time, then fine - family get to visit sooner.

If he doesn't like that approach then remind him that he gets to decide at the point he's been through childbirth and suffered the mental and physical impact of doing so. Would he think it's fair to have a procession of visitors during a bout of D&V for example? No - it's undignified and the last thing you need.Yet he's assuming you should cater for visitors when frankly you'll still be in discomfort/bleeding,may be shattered from a long birth and getting your boobs out regularly (and inexperiencedly).

[over40andpregnant]

Just tell him you can't commit till after the birth
How can they book accomodation anyway. Y first came 6 weeks early and was in the special care with no visitors but us
Would have been a wasted visit
Tell him you hope everything goes amazing but reserve the right to see..

Sorry but he is been very selfish

[ferrier]

I would let them visit as soon as they want but with the following provisos- '

• you will not be doing anything except looking after your baby and even not the lion's share of that if you've had a difficult delivery. Dp has to do all the hosting.
  
• if on the day you are really not up to it at all then their plans will have to change. Their must be no pressure from your dp for you to see them if you are feeling like shit.

[ferrier]

There

[MissT2095]

This is the one thing I regret when coming home with my now 3 week old.

I ended up in hospital for 4 nights before the birth and 1 after.

As soon as I got home my partner was talking about our parents coming to visit. I was so excited to finally be home that I allowed it.

I was still feeling rough from what I had just been through and have yet to have a day when we have not had a visitor since.

Take the few days you want, you'll never get to enjoy your baby being that little again!!

[GardenDreamer]

Thanks everyone - I'm fairly new to mumsnet and I'm not sure if I've been replying directly to particular people - apologies if not (I just hit reply - does that reach you direct?)
My husband's family aren't close you see - it's a good 1.5 hour journey and his dad is in a wheelchair so it's quite a big deal for them to come (hence them booking a hotel)
They are a GORGEOUS family and I love them - they aren't the problem really - but I think it's reasonable to want to set boundaries and he thinks not, he's sleeping in the spare room tonight on the basis of me trying to assert some boundaries ahead of time. (Actually - I admit I might be over-thinking it - but I already am starting to want to haul up the drawbridge)
I only have my dad you see. My own mum is seriously ill and she'll never come out of a care home - don't want to go into it but she won't recognise her own grandchild and my dad is really the only parent I have who I have myself really - so I feel a bit swamped by the weight of family on the other side. I'm sad about that.
Hey ho. It's only love I'm facing with his family to be honest - they just can't wait that's all - there are worse problems to have - but I'm sad that my husband can't understand that actually it IS a woman's right to come first in this decision.... drives me MAD!!!!
Thanks all

[CoveredinLansinoh]

it IS a woman's right to come first in this decision

It certainly is, and tomorrow you can calmly let DH know that having a strop and skulking off to the spare room ain't going to change that.

[NymeriaStark]

Why is he in the spare room?

A revolving door of visitors and germs is the last thing you want around a newborn and people should understand that. Your husband is being a twat at worst and massively unrealistic at best and his family sound like hard work.

[GardenDreamer]

Thank you... it's both upsetting and quite funny that I'm finding comfort from the virtually unanimous verdict that essentially I'm not the one being unreasonable by the light of my phone, after midnight while he is in the other room. Big sigh..... hey ho. I'm hoping he'll be speaking to me tomorrow. Thank you

[GardenDreamer]

Good plan. Thank you!!

[GardenDreamer]

He's in the spare room because sometimes, just sometimes, he's a tit. Ha ha!! But so am I to be honest...
But tonight, he's the tit...
(Ha ha! Married bliss ey... are all pregnancies punctuated with these moments of rancid stress?)
Everybody's comments have soothed me. Thank you all xx

[DuggeeHugs]

over-dramatic to even think that I might struggle after the birth

Good grief.

Just echoing everyone else's comments about not knowing how you'll feel so not being forced to commit to anything until you're ready.

I'm assuming he'll be doing all the hosting for their visit, not expecting you to make the tea?

[GardenDreamer]

He'll host. No issue there, he'd be brilliant... he's ace all round when anything like that is on the cards, but he loves telling me I'm being over dramatic. It makes me anxious about the birth itself, this threat that I'm just being dramatic. He himself is master of having a tizz, it's usually him that's throws his toys out the pram (hence being in spare room now) and I'm left sweating in agro that it's supposedly my fault... agh!!!!
It's basically the one area of our relationship that drives me mad. Truly in all other matters under the sun he's utterly wonderful. But on this matter he's being a real poo hole
Ha ha!
I'll wait to see what tomorrow brings. If problem lingers it'll cast a huge shadow to be honest...

[AnnaT45]

You are totally within your rights to dictate when people visit, so stick with what's comfortable.

However I'll play devil's advocate as suggest thinking about them coming to see you in hospital (if you're in for a night) It's quite tricky for them to stay long as it's cramped, they can't sit and have a cuppa and the midwifes are coming in and out etc. I had visitors both time in the hospital and they left after 30 mins or so as it was hectic. Plus I really wanted to show them off despite having quite a bad time both times. With my second my dad and brother left after I was throwing up in front of them

Also, I'm so sorry about your mum. I lose my mum a couple of weeks before I had my second and it was very tough. Take comfort in your loved ones to help you through. Good luck!!!

[BradleyPooper]

I second the idea of people visiting while you're in hospital. They can't stay long and they all feel they've have a quick cuddle with baby so they can normally wait a few days or more before seeing you both again.

[Potato25]

Tell him when he is the one giving birth then he will get to decide.

[Skittlesandbeer]

My husband would like to add at this point that your DH is making a BIG assumption that he will be up to loads of visitors himself. He may be over optimistic about how ragged he will be after supporting you during the birth (even a straight-forward one), and adjusting to the completely gamechanging first couple of days/nights of newborn life.

This is really not about his family versus your privacy. This is about him realising that he has to learn to prioritise his new team, and that neither of you will be setting the schedule from now on...Boss Baby will!

If I were you I'd ignore him, call his family and express your concerns to them directly now. No woman who has given birth will dismiss your concerns (unless they're a big narcissist!). Keep them in the loop for the rest of the pregnancy, and manage their expectations slowly but surely. Let them know that you'll give them all the info about the first visit as soon as you have it, and that obviously your health (and the baby's) will be the priority. Make it seem like their idea!

I'd love to see your DH's face when you tell him smilingly that his folks are fine with it, and totally on board. Exactly whose rights is he defending with his strop then?