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Grief.. Stillborn and ttc

(24 Posts)
Hopeandpaige Thu 04-May-17 15:53:37

Just thought I'd share whats going on at the moment and I'd love to know if anyone has any advice!

1St October 2016 was my due date, the day me and my partner had eagerly been waiting for, 9 months of tears, fear and overwhelming joy had built up to this day.
It was around 7am on that Saturday morning and I woke to notice my belly had tilted a little to the left... Not very concerned me and my partner lay in bed waiting to feel her little kicks. After an hour of nothing we took ourselves to the hospital at George elliot in Nuneaton to have a little check and see if we had a chance of having baby induced soon. I layed on the bed in triage and their was a lovely young midwife asking loads of questions about our nursery and so on.. She attaches the monitor and nothing... Silence.. Just pure silence. My heart was in my mouth and I went completely cold and numb. I remember I couldn't look at her anymore her face was alarming me so I just stared into my partners eyes, before we knew it there were 5 doctors around us and the senior doctor with all different types of equipment and scan machines swarming the little cubicle. And then everyone left and it was just the senior doctor left and he went down on his knees and held our hands and said "I am so sorry, theirs no heartbeat". And it's that line right there that haunts me and I will never forget that moment our world came crashing down all around us. My boyfriend broke.. He collapsed into me and cried his heart out, I just lay there numb and empty not a single tear came out. I remember they started talking about inducing me and what happens next and I just got up and walked out. It felt like I floated out of the hospital I wasn't in my body anymore I was in a severe state of shock. We went home but I couldnt go in.. I couldn't see the nursery or the pram or even our "mummy & daddy 2016 mugs" everything in the house reminded me of how much we've just lost. The rest of the day was a blurr. I woke Sunday morning and we took ourselves back to the hospital to listen what happens next they took me straight to labor ward where it was full of joy and little tiny baby cries and I sat on the bed in room 1 thinking how and why! Angry scared and empty all at the same time
They started the induction process that afternoon and I begged with them to let me take it slow, my baby girl was still in there and to me she was safe and I wanted to keep it that way for as long as I could. After alot of tears and complete heartbreak my baby girl paige was born on the 4th October 2016 weighing 8lbs 2 and a half Oz. Theirs no words I can write down in this box that will describe the feeling in that room once she was born. It was just silent, and no other word than pain and also a little proud of myself that I made such a beautiful baby girl it was such a mixture of feelings and words just can't explain.
We opted for a post mortem and once we got her back we had her funeral. On the 16th December we got told at the post mortem reading that she had died due to asphyxiation caused by delayed villious maturation, basically my placenta had grown old before its time and stopped supplying oxygen. We have been told it's extremely rare but we have a 1 in 20 chance of it happening again.
Christmas day I was ovulating and we took the decision to try again for another baby in hoping that we can somehow find some happiness in our lives and help rebuild some of our emptiness but in no way replace our beautiful girl paige. Unfortunately it hasn't happened as quickly as we had hoped and it's now may and I got my period today I feel very deflated and every month you build up such a hope that it's your month and then it starts all over again, I got sent for a cycle 21 blood test this month and came back fine so I am ovulating but I can't help the stress. People say relax and it will happen but when you are grieving and your need for a baby is borderline an obsession it's very hard to lay back and think oh well maybe next month... Months just seem so long apart these days and every month my obsession gets bigger and all the more consuming I've got his and hers conception tablets, fertility lubricant, digital and non digital ovoulation tests and about 25 pregnancy tests at 1 time. I feel like my need for a baby to love and care for has taken over my life and possibly in some ways it feels like I'm doing it to take my focus off from my grief, I just feel very angry and let down by myself and it's a hard situation to get out from if anyone has any advice I would love to hear from another perspective.

user1471451564 Thu 04-May-17 16:04:18

I have nothing to say that would even touch the depth of your pain (and your partners) but i wanted to simply say sorry. Sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. Your love for her shines through and simply because she isn't here in the physical sense doesn't mean you aren't or have become any less of a mother. I have no advice i just wanted to say you are all in my thoughts. Take care, take time and be kind to yourselves. flowers

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers Thu 04-May-17 16:13:32

From one bereaved Mum to another flowers

I am so sorry that you are on this path too.

Your daughter Paige is absolutely beautiful.

Maggy74653 Thu 04-May-17 16:24:37

I don't think I can say anything to help but I didn't want to read and say nothing. Your daughter is beautiful, I hope you get your little rainbow soon.

MrsUnderwood Thu 04-May-17 16:35:03

I am deeply sorry for your loss. Your little girl looks so, so beautiful. My sister's much longed for and beloved daughter was born sleeping on December 18th. I was there for part of her labour and I helped to wash and dress my little niece afterwards. The silence was awful to hear. I would do anything to bring her back for my sister.

It's very easy to tell you to relax and let it happen but it's not easy to live it! Stillbirth is horribly unfair and cruel, you think about every lost milestone and desperately want a little one in your arms.

All I can recommend is that you take care of yourself and please seek help if the attempts to conceive are becoming all consuming or you are becoming more and more depressed with each month of no BFP. Have you been offered counselling or spoken to SANDS?

sparechange Thu 04-May-17 16:48:27

I'm so so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful baby Paige is, and you are right to be proud of yourselves for making her flowers

I was in a similar position to you in 2015, and was pregnant again within a year. Be kind to yourselves, and each other, and I'm keeping everything crossed that you get your BFP very soon.

There is a support thread in 'conception' for TTC after loss, which might be of help to you also

Millie2013 Thu 04-May-17 20:33:53

Paige is beautiful, you have every right to be proud. Much love xxx

teaandakitkat Thu 04-May-17 20:40:51

She looks so beautiful, and what a beautiful loving photo. You must miss her so badly.

A month seems such a long time when you are waiting and hoping each time.

Have you spoken to anyone at maybe SANDS? Real life talking to someone who's been there can be such a relief, even if the relief doesn't last long.

deaddeadgood Thu 04-May-17 20:42:35

What a beautiful daughter x

rainbowsandglitterandshit Thu 04-May-17 20:42:54

I do not have much to add apart from being so sorry for your loss and that she is beautiful. I wish you all the best.

kimblesj Thu 04-May-17 20:46:49

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter and so happy you have pictures of you all together to treasure forever.
Don't feel disheartened. Our son was stillborn in April 2016 and I completely understand you wanting to try again.
I became a bit crazy testing for ovulation etc and became disheartened every month it was negative.
I'm now 11 weeks pregnant and we had a positive test on the same day that last year our pregnancy problems began.
It will happen x

Winniethepooer Thu 04-May-17 20:53:47

flowers So brave of you to share your experience & beautiful picture of your little girl.

I'm not even going to patronise you by saying i know how you feel.

I had late MMC in 2013 and became totally obsessed with grtting pregnant as i was convinced i was running out of time... i was 39.

I did eventually get pregnant.

Look after yourself. Give your body/heart/mind time to heal.

Massive hugs... i wish i could find better words to somehow ease your pain. X x

EssexCat Thu 04-May-17 20:55:48

Oh my poor darling girl. I was in your shoes 10 years ago and it was the worst, most hideous time of my whole life. It took six months to get pregnant again and I would say that was the longest six months ever.

I think for me it was stress that delaying conception as it had never previously been an issue. It was just horrific and I was obsessed.

10 years later I now have two more children and whilst I will never ever ever forget how much it hurt it has significantly eased now.

So so much love and hope for you. Xxxxx

EssexCat Thu 04-May-17 20:56:51

Paige is beautiful and clearly so very loved. Xx

ellesbellesxxx Thu 04-May-17 20:57:18

I am so sorry for your loss flowers

SummerRayne17 Fri 05-May-17 16:24:21

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter Paige. I am 33wks pregnant and the thought of a still birth plagues my mind every day. I have no known problems and all monitoring has been fine, i just can't help feeling scared. I hope you conceive soon and all is well for you xx

anxiouspotato Fri 05-May-17 16:34:34

Couldn't read and run, so so sorry for your loss.

I hope things get better for you soon and sending you love and hope flowersflowersflowers

Linner83 Fri 05-May-17 17:43:04

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter, I understand your all consuming need to conceive as I was in the same boat last year.
I lost my daughter Aimee in July she was still born, and we started trying a few months later , every period was like a knife to the heart.
I'm now 24 weeks pregnant expecting another girl. Since I was 8 weeks I have been getting scans every 4 weeks and seeing the consultant on a regular basis.
I'm closely monitored, and now she is moving my anxiety levels are at an all time high- just a constant worry that history may repeat its self.
Most people say the womb is the safe environment- I feel
Mine is hostile and just want her out as quickly and safely as possible.
If you ever want to chat send me a pm
And good luck it will happen soon

Chamonix1 Sat 13-May-17 19:08:19

I am so sorry for your loss. I have no advice I'm afraid, but I wanted to say your lovely Paige is just beautiful and I wish you all the best of luck TTC. flowers

Michaelsone1 Sat 13-May-17 22:52:14

Reading this brings a tear to my eye. I haven't been through similar and I can't imagine how you must feel. Her memory will live on forever and in, i hope, your children's memory when you finally do have a baby. All the best flowers.

littlefurrysheep Sun 14-May-17 09:14:38

I'm really so sorry. flowers

Handsupbabyhandsup Sun 14-May-17 09:26:17

I have a similar story. I thought I was going mad with the grief and desperation of it all.

In the end we booked an exciting adventure and that gave me something else to focus on. Just so happened that the day before we left I got a positive result. Although travelling through Cambodia with morning sickness wasn't easy!

goldenrachita Mon 15-May-17 12:16:28

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby girl. You've been so brave to go through all this. This sounds a bit flippant but maybe you need a holiday with your partner or something else to plan, just to give you something to look forward to so you're not overwhelmed by sadness. I think another baby will come along at the right time for you and when you look back on your months of trying you'll be happy you conceived exactly when you did because that baby will be so perfect, just like Paige was.

WineCheeseSleep Tue 16-May-17 20:02:16

So sorry for your loss flowers

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