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Elective C-Section but I want my mum in with me!

(30 Posts)
Holsftm Tue 28-Mar-17 23:02:16

First time poster, and would be extremely grateful for any advice/opinions/firsthand experience from anyone as I'm extremely anxious!

So the elective section is NOT the route I wanted to go down. Heart was set on a normal vaginal birth with my mum and fiancé by my side.

Unfortunately, my baby has other plans and has decided to adopt an extended beech position. We've tried ECV which sadly failed, baby refusing to budge so sadly the decision has been taken out of my hands and I'm booked in for a section.

I'm absolutely fine and accepting (to a degree) with the operation concept. I accept it's not ideal but it's the safest option for baby and that's that. BUT the fact that I can only have one person with me in theatre which is of course naturally presumed to be the father of the baby, is legitimately breaking my heart.

I want my mum with me. I want my mum to be physically present when my baby enters the world like I had initially imagined she would during a natural birth. But morally, how can I expect my fiancé to not be there??

It'd be great if he was super squeamish and/or scared of hospitals or blood etc and he chose to not be present and would prefer to wait outside for me, but he wants to be there no doubt about it. I haven't actually broached this with him, I mean, where do you even begin without hurting his feelings?!?

Help! Even if it's to call me a disgusting human being for wanting such a rotten thing! I'm having the section in ten day's time and the stress of this in my head is genuinely driving me up the wall 😥😣😫

SuperBeagle Tue 28-Mar-17 23:08:49

Hmm. I think your partner should be there over your mum, as it's his baby too. Surely your mum could wait outside until the baby is here and safe?

Holsftm Tue 28-Mar-17 23:18:04

Totally understand. Hence my moral quandary 😣

TBH I imagine that is how this will all go down come crunch time, as ultimately I know that's 'right thing to do'...I've known a couple of women who's partners did not want to be present for the actual op but we're happy to hang about once baby was there while mum was getting stitched up and the mum's mum (whom was there for the gory bit) has left theatre. I envy those women with their squeamish men. How bad is that!?

Was curious as to whether anybody else had had a similar situation or it's just a me thing.

DelphiniumBlue Tue 28-Mar-17 23:20:18

Firstly, you are not disgusting or rotten to want your Mum with you.
And childbirth is not a spectator sport - if you feel you'd be better supported by your Mum, that's OK.
But if it's not so much question of supporting you, but being there to see your baby making it's entrance, then your fiance may feel he's been passed over in favour of your mum, which might not be such a good start to joint parenthood.
You haven't gone into a lot of detail about why you want your Mum rather than your fiance, other than you'd always imagined her being there. Are there issues with your Fiance?

Holsftm Tue 28-Mar-17 23:59:40

Thank you for your response 😊

My mum was a midwife thirty years ago, so I trust her implicitly in terms of pregnancy and childbirth, that aside were extremely close. I have a tendency to overthink things and have an anxiety disorder which my mum understands and can often "diffuse" a potential anxiety attack as she sees the signs before anyone else (sorry, I hate using that term, it sounds so melodramatic).

Absolutely love my fiancé to pieces but in terms of who I would feel more in control with during the op, it'd be my mum. My fiancé is incredibly soft and kind natured and I feel he might mollycoddle me a bit too much which would make me more inclined to emotions and nerves. My mum is more 'no nonsense' (she's not a monster I swear 😂) but she would be more effective at distracting me and keeping me on an even keel.

ExplodedCloud Wed 29-Mar-17 00:07:24

In an elcs there will be staff with you all the time and I think it will be a calmer process than the rollercoaster of a vb. Perhaps your fiance will be enough. Your mum can be there for the recovery room maybe?

HandbagFan Wed 29-Mar-17 12:23:29

I can pull this imagine my mum being in there when DS was born. It was my child and my husband's. DH was of course there to see ee his son enter the world and to be with me as it happened.

I don't think you're disgusting or rotten, I just don't see it the way you do.

How would you feel if you were told his mum was goring to see your child come into the world but you weren't allowed to be there?

HandbagFan Wed 29-Mar-17 12:24:12

Can pull is clearly meant to be can't. I fecking hate typing on an iPad!

Astro55 Wed 29-Mar-17 12:28:14

A c section is clam - you go in - have a spinal and lie down - the doctors do throw bit and hand the baby over

I think you partner gets first shout - and it would say a lot to him if you chose your mum over him being there! How would you feel if you were ousted for his mother??

Your mum can wait outside - it will be about half an hour!

Imjustsaying Wed 29-Mar-17 12:42:29

I see where you are coming from op as i feel the same way! I have anxiety and can get myself into quite a flap in certain situations. My mum who I am incredibly close with is the only person who can manage my anxieties and keep me at bay (petrified at the idea of a caesarean) I fought myself tooth and nail over this as my partner is squeemish and rubbish under pressure aswell but wanted to be there. After long and hard thought I decided that having a caesarean was more about me having major surgery and needing to keep myself calm therefore I should have my mother there if a ceaesarean is needed. Selfish I know but sometimes you have to do whats best for you. He is fine with it now after much talk

RyanStartedTheFire Wed 29-Mar-17 12:59:50

It's your partners baby too. Talk to him, he might understand but if he doesn't, don't deprive him of his first moments with the baby.

raviolidreaming Wed 29-Mar-17 18:59:04

To to honest, I would hope that your mum would decline and leave the space for your partner. Certainly my views are influenced by my husband being the one to introduce our baby to us, to cut the cord to the correct length over at the table, and to take the first photos. I couldn't have taken that away from him and I wouldn't have wanted to. We have wonderful memories of the moment we became a family and spoke of it often in the early weeks.

(It only takes about 3 minutes to get the baby out - I don't actually remember him being there for that; it could have been anyone!)

Wheelerdeeler Wed 29-Mar-17 19:06:28

I can't understand how in the UK so many people are allowed near the delivery area. In ROI you are allowed 1 birthing partner. Anyone outside of this has to wait for visiting hours (1.5 hours afternoon and 1 hour evening).

There is no one else bar patients staff around the hospital.

The birth of your child is between you and your partner. No one else.

You are about to become a mother. Time to grow up.

raviolidreaming Wed 29-Mar-17 19:24:27

In ROI you are allowed 1 birthing partner

Same in the UK then? Or at least where I am and where the OP is.

Wheelerdeeler Wed 29-Mar-17 19:28:37

Op says if it was vaginally they both could be there?

Northernlurker Wed 29-Mar-17 19:36:45

I love my mum dear,y but wouldn't have wanted her there when I was giving birth. Op you know your partner should see his child born. Why not see if your mum can be there to hold your hand for the epidural, wait outside theatre and see you as soon as you get out?

raviolidreaming Wed 29-Mar-17 19:43:05

Ah, sorry Wheelerdeeler blush

PigletWasPoohsFriend Wed 29-Mar-17 19:47:43

To to honest, I would hope that your mum would decline and leave the space for your partner.

I agree. It should be your DP there tbh.

mrscrocopop Wed 29-Mar-17 19:52:47

I can understand you wanting your mum there OP but your partner is experiencing the birth of his child. He really should have priority. I don't think it's a moral quandary as morally he should be there.
Your mum will be allowed in very shortly afterwards. flowers

NavyandWhite Wed 29-Mar-17 19:54:15

Honestly? I think the father should be there not your mum. Hopefully you will feel secure and looked after by the nursing staff as well as your fiancé being there by your side. I really think he would feel pushed out if you chose your mum to be there.

RyanStartedTheFire Wed 29-Mar-17 19:54:19

You are about to become a mother. Time to grow up.
hmm
Rightly or wrongly, she's a scared first time mum. No need to be so rude.

user1483387154 Wed 29-Mar-17 19:56:09

I can understand how you feel but I couldnt deny my Husband the experience of seeing his child come into the world if it is something he wants to be there for. You can never get that moment back and taking that from him would be cruel.

Unihorn Wed 29-Mar-17 20:01:07

I had an emergency section after 9 hours' labour with my mum and husband by my side. My mum was gutted when she had to wait outside theatre. I was way too high on drugs to feel gutted bit I understand where you're coming from in wanting her there. However in your situation it should definitely be your husband I'm afraid.

seven201 Wed 29-Mar-17 20:37:20

I had a elcs too. You need to explain to your partner how he should be with you in there. Say you don't want mollycoddling. I thought my dh would be a pain in the bum and a bit useless but he wasn't. The anaesthetist was talking to me or I was focusing on breathing (to stay calm) so my dh didn't need to be taking away, just there. Neither dh or I are big talkers though. I personally think it should be your dh that gets to see his child born.

allegretto Wed 29-Mar-17 20:40:55

I wasn't allowed anyone in and actually it was fine. I think you can only talk honestly to your fiance and take it from there.

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