Husband against ecs(56 Posts)
I'm 16 weeks pregnant with my first child and really scared!
I'm happily pregnant and can't wait to have our baby.
But I am beyond scared about delivery (both for baby and me). So much so that I told my husband I might speak to the midwife about an ecs. He was pretty disgusted and used words such as disappointing & lazy. I was so upset he immediately apologised and said I could do whatever I wanted.
He sent me a few text messages the next day asking how I was and then said that his big problem was that it took the shine off things for him, knowing we would have a date in the diary for baby to arrive, like a reminder to pick up dry cleaning etc. But whatever I wanted.
I was really upset and still am.
I don't know what the right thing to do is, in terms of the birth & this has just made things even worse. I've spoken to the midwife who is referring me to a midwife on delivery suite who can talk me through things and failing that will refer me to a obstetrician to discuss/ageee ecs.
I'd really like some advice (and not so much judgement please), thanks x
Please tell him you are disappointed he is going to be the df of your dc.
How you give birth is down to you.
Its your body and frankly his only onput should be "we will do whatever you need".
Giving birth hurts.
Your fears are normal.
Best thing is to speak to your midwife and talk it through before YOU make any decisions.
Is he always this much of an arse?
Ha I'm glad you agree! He's really upset me and no, not usually like this.
Honestly don't know why he's bothered as it largely doesn't affect him!
I just don't really know where to go from here on this subject. Do we just agree to disagree (as he's agreed to 'whatever I want') or do we talk more and I try to make him understand my reasons again.
I already did that though!
well, any time he is pregnant he should feel free to have it any way he pleases.
this one is your choice!
I was terrified of birth but after 2 crash sections I would advise you to give it a go. The recovery for a section is long and painful. It's your choice entirely but you have the right to make the best informed choice you can x
Nothing really to discuss.
You shouldnt need to convince him of your birthing choice.
You could talk to him after your midwife visit.
For me I would be explaining that while the baby is in my body its my choice and as a good husband and father he should support my right to choose. Not putting me down because i am scared about pushing a human out of my vagina!
He doesn't get to say "whatever you want"! He doesn't get to give you permission! Tell him in no uncertain terms to support your choices or bugger off.
Thank you. I do totally agree with you and all of you ladies in general.
I just don't want it to be a bone of contention for the next 24 weeks. Or something he won't back me on, if anyone has a criticism or an opinion on etc (I can't wait until the mother in law finds out!) x
Thats HIS problem. Why is it your job to fix it?
I agree with PP- when he wants to carry and deliver a baby he can choose how the baby comes. It is your body and it's your choice.
You've got plenty of time to look at your options. ECS has problems, but then VD has no guarantees. Nearer the time you will know better how you feel about it. I'd try and ignore his stupidity this time, give him a one off pass.
If he says anything that stupid again, let rip!
If it is just down to the fear of it all, I know you can get some counselling to help address why you might feel this way. It is totally a daunting thing to think you've got to push a baby out of you... I have been telling myself my body is designed for it, it will know what to do when the time comes etc. Another thing is that it's quite a major procedure with a long recovery time, so would be good to avoid if you can.
If you have already spoken to the midwife about your fears (and it seems that you have) I would continue to discuss it with them because it's not clear why you are so worried about the delivery and they would be the best people to help you with this.
Tbh, I think you have both over-reacted to this and I wouldn't discuss it again just yet.
He's being an arse- of course.
But... I had an ELCS and that was pretty scary too... still having to sit there having a needle put in your back (more than once if you're not lucky) and knowing that your lower half is being cut open. They had to give me a sick bowl I was so anxious whilst they were doing the epidural.
This time round I've signed up for Daisy birthing classes after a friend recommended it. I'm trying for a natural delivery this time round and having some strategies- knowing how anxious I get- is helping.
What an advanced level twat.
Also, speaking as someone who's had both a crash section and a VB, I wouldn't be paying too much attention the posters warning you against the section. There is absolutely no guarantee whatsoever that you will get an easier recovery with a VB than you will even with an EMCS. There are risks and benefits to both, which vary according to the individual, and it's simply a question of which set you find more acceptable. That's it.
My ELCS was absolutely amazing, I'd do it again tomorrow. Ignore the naysayers. The fact I had a date and a time like the dry cleaning your husband mentions was part of the appeal.
A few great mumsnetters recommended the book below. It is fantastic and really opened my eyes to,the positives of ELCS. I highly recommend.
You don't have to tell him when it's booked for if he wants the "surprise" element
and you could have an earlier than planned arrival anyway
I’d tell him that in the spirit of compromise I’d make him an appointment with the dentist, not tell him the date, then whisk him off to get a tooth extracted with no anaesthetic. If he was happy with that then I’d take his views on board, but until then you’re the one steering this –womb-- wagon, not him.
Clearly you have some anxiety around the birth and few could blame you. But it’s his job as a supportive partner to help get to the bottom of the anxiety and do what he can to help, not scoff at you for looking for a solution that could help. He sounds so naïve about birth and how physically and mentally exhausting it can be- which is fair enough, a lot of people who haven’t been through it are like that. But in that case he should keep his bullshit opinions to himself.
You should speak to your midwife or obstetrician, a doula, your mum, about your concerns. Do your research and when you’ve got all the information at your disposal do what you think is safe and right for you and the baby. If that’s a ELC then more power to you, but don’t be worrying about defending your choice.
Agreeing with pps that an emergency CS is a very different thing to a planned CS. I had the latter and it was rather lovely actually and I recovered very easily. So different strokes for different folks. Actually it should be different strokes for different women. DH needs to button it, given it's your body and all.
(I've had two ELCS and I think it's a good choice)
He's being a nob.
If his main objection is lacking the element of surprise just don't tell him when the c-section is, then it will be nice and surprising 😀
In all seriousness you need to stamp on this behaviour right now. Do not allow him to think he has any say or ability to guilt trip you in to what you do with your body. If you let him get away with it now it will be a slippery slope.
I completely agree with the PP who said that "whatever you want" is still him granting you permission, which is complete bollocks. Why on earth does he think this is a choice he gets to make? Why does he think that "taking the shine off things for him" is in any way a consideration????? He's being a twat.
Giving birth is the hardest (and most rewarding) thing I have ever done. Not the hardest thing my DH has ever done, so he sensibly recognised that birth decisions were mine to make.
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