I'm currently 17+5 weeks (due early November) so I have a bit of time to make a decision about it. I'm leaning towards wanting an additional body there during my birth and for support before/after but I'm not really sure if it's worth it.
The support before and after are probably just as important to me as during the birth. DH is much better than he was but he is inclined to freak out a bit in stressful situations. I'm really worried about ending up in the hospital to have the baby and would much prefer an MLU with somebody there to advocate for me and my preferred circumstances, a lot of people I know have had shite experiences in the maternity ward where we'll be going, particularly after the birth. I'm currently down as high-risk but I'm hoping that can be 'down-graded' in light of recently medical tests and notes.
We're going to be relocating at 30 weeks and living with my parents for a while as long as they don't drive me up the wall so I will have some live-in "support" once DH is back to work, especially for the practical elements, but I don't know if I can rely on my family for emotional support or support with things like breastfeeding and I know I'm prone to depression which my family likely won't pick up on at all if it does start to sink in. I don't want masses of after-birth support but maybe somebody to pop in a few times in the weeks following and make sure that I'm doing okay.
I'm also worried about the birth and the time leading up to it, preparing for it and so on but would a doula really be that helpful before the birth? Would I be better doing some form of hypnobirthing course or something?
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Childbirth
Dithering over whether to get a doula
RattieOfCatan · 31/05/2016 09:38
rattie i retract my post. Birth is hard. Im sorry i upset you, im also suffering with my mental health right now but that doesn't excuse what was a completely illconsidered post.
I believe doulas do a fantastic job actually, i was having a very bad day when i posted that. I hope i havent upset you too much.
Anything that gets you through birth is ok. Drugs, no drugs, voluntary csection, whatever. Tis your body and your baby. Do whatever feels right and helps you.
fast thank you for the apology, I can appreciate having a shit day! I was panicking a bit a my Mum has been making me feel crap about the idea of having somebody come hold the baby a morning a week so that I can get out of the house for ten minutes and to check on me, she seems to think that she can make sure I'm fine, despite spending my childhood denying that anything was wrong with me, ignoring her own depression and telling me that as an adult I'm just a bit down and it will all be okay when I get over it 
I'm usually mostly okay, especially since I had a load of counselling about 2 years ago before my wedding (both to help me with my family issues and standing my ground and also because I knew that at some point after the wedding, children would come along!) But sods law a few things and triggers have come up recently that have made me uncertain, and obviously the normal nerves about birth start kicking in when you actually have to think about it!
Betty thank you for your opinion, that's really helpful actually. I think that I'd be happier if I got to meet the midwives who run the centre and get to know them a little before which, if I was local, I would get to do as there are around 6 midwives who service the area and they are apparently keen for you to at least meet all of them before the birth in that town which I like. I can't do any of the local NHS classes run by them either as you have to sign up by 25weeks, I don't move to the area until 30 weeks and I'm not allowed to sign up until I live there. Catch-22!
Another option I have is asking DHs mum to be around in the early stages of labour, she's great and would stand my ground I think, she's also a nurse (albeit a mental health nurse) so she's used to being in a medical environment so theoretically would stay out of the way when needed.
That would then leave me with the postnatal stuff. Both of our mums are happy to be on hand for practical things (first grandchild on DHs side!) But with DHs mum still working full time and mine being crap with emotion as mentioned I will need something postnatally, so at the very least I'll ask the two more local ones about postnatal packages.
Thank you rattie for accepting my apology. I was worrying if I'd made you worse and hoping not, so much.
It seems from what you've said that you are under some serious expectations from people you consider important. But i think you will cope, and you are being offered help, but the help is coming from a source you don't trust.
Birth, and the immediate few weeks after, are really about two people. You and the baby. Both of you will have done a job of work bringing baby into the delivery room: Noone else matters at that precise moment!
I think your dm can help, the way you put it. She seems to want to, despite her mh background. It's your gut reaction that is frightening you?
Thank you for the replies, I should have responded sooner!
I still haven't heard back from that doula so I'll contact more and see if we can interview them when we are there for a week in August.
RE my Mum, this will turn into a bit of an essay as I want to try and explain but it's hard! I thought I'd said but I haven't, we'll actually be living with my parents as long as they don't drive me mad before the birth so they will be around. Surprisingly my Mum is quite excited about me moving back in, we agreed it before starting TTC and we actually asked if it would be okay with them to bring a baby in, we didn't expect it to happen so quickly though!
I do find her stressful but I've been slowly building contact back up over the past six months or so (I had gone very low contact after my wedding last year), she knows that our relationship is on very thin ice and if she does anything again I'm out. She tried to guilt trip me about my wedding after the fact and basically lied through her teeth about everything and wasn't happy that whilst I'd been wasted, I actually remembered most of the evening so I could tell her that I knew that she was lying. The whole family seem to have a lot more respect for me since my wedding really, they know that I refuse to take the shit they've put me through in the past any more, but it does worry me that I'll be around them in my most vulnerable state and basically be relying on them for social interaction as I don't really have friends in Essex, only two old school friends who I may or may not see.
We will have our own living space and bedroom on the middle floor though so it's only the kitchen that we're 'sharing' and I will be placing very firm boundaries on our living space. It's actually my Dad who would be more likely to try breaking those boundaries as we've discovered recently with my nephew (never leaves him alone, wakes him up, takes him from where the parents think he is sleeping and wanders off with him without telling them, etc) and we will leave the house if they can't respect our space and make that clear before moving in. It does help that we have pet rats who my Dad hates so I think if they are placed strategically in our living room he will avoid the room 
I'm also going to be extremely frank with them when we move in and tell them that I'm not playing petty games, if there is an issue I expect them to talk to me about it and god forbid they start contacting other family members asking if we're offended again, which happened at Christmas because my Mum turned a simple trip of me visiting my older sister into a massive family palaver which sister didn't want and so refused and said we were going back to the original plan (her, me and nephew then our husbands joining later for a film!) Up until last summer my Mum puppeteered mine and my sister's relationships, she hates that we've gone past it and now organise to see one another without her "supervision" as it's led to us all realising how she's manipulated us into the roles she wants us to play so that she can be the poor helpless Mum stuck in the middle of her bitchy warring daughters.
I am hoping that DH and I living with my parents will be a positive experience, but I'm fully prepared for it to go horribly wrong and we'll have the finances to just go. But it's part of the background as to why I just don't trust my Mum when my mental health is in mind, it's only recently that I've come around to the idea of her caring for my child because of things she said to me when I was a child, but she seems to be much better with my nephew from what I've been told.
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