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Want only my mum during labour, not OH.

(41 Posts)
wombat57 Fri 20-May-16 09:17:16

Hi all,

Obviously nowadays in most cases it is your OH, who is with you during childbirth.

But, lately I started to think if he would be the right person to be there. He wants and he is wonderful, but I am not sure how he will cope. Not for because how gross it can get - he saw me gross. But of the way he deals in a stressful situations. He can be selfish and concentrate on himself much more, than on me.
I just know the way he is. He can not sit still, he is impulsive, he fidgets, and can never shut his mouth up, if I say something upsetting (being upset or in pain or hurt myself). He always turns attention on himself and his hurt feelings... Also, he "doesn't like to be treated as a dog", meaning "go get me this or take this, or don' t touch me now" doesn't go well with him.
And during contractions I do not think I will have the patience to "darling, would you be so kind and give me water" treatment.

As I am planning to try to go for a VBA2C, I'll have to go without epidural or pain relief. I will be in a lot of pain. It might be long and exhausting... And I am thinking that who I really want to be there is my mum.

My OH wants to be there, but he wants to be there to see the birth of his child. Not to help me and be there for me.

Problem is, here you are allowed only one person. And if I go for a VBA2C, the more I am thinking about it, the more I want my mum.
I need someone who will concentrate 100% on me, not on himself.

I told him about my doubts, and had an exact reaction I expected: so what about me??!!

I would have been much more inclined to have him there with me if he said "baby, I know myself, I am an ass sometimes (a lot of the times), but during your labour I will try my best to be on my best behavior, and will act as an adult, understanding what you are going through, and that it will be the time I will give my 100% to YOUR attention and would solely concentrate on YOU".
Did NOT happen.

When my dog died, in my arms, I cried like crazy. Absolutely unbearable pain. Kids were in the house, I was with the dog outside (vet gave him a shot, dog was 16 years old and very ill with cancer), I wailed and wailed, he came out to check on me (good intentions) but I told him through wailing to go and stay with the kids, I didn't wan them to see the dog suffering and dying, he exploded and I ended up trying to calm him down.

This is just to explain on his inability to be empathic to what is happening around is not always about him.

He is a great hands on dad, but during the childbirth and a possible long labour, I want my mum there.

MyBreadIsEggy Fri 20-May-16 09:22:10

As harsh as it sounds, when it comes to childbirth, your well-being is more important than hurting your partner's feelings by asking him not to be in the room.
If you feel that your mum will be more of a solid support system to you during labour, then it's your mum that you need smile

wombat57 Fri 20-May-16 09:29:34

MyBread - thank you. I think so too. Just some people are bad with coping with a situation like that.
My mum is calm. She knows if I am in pain, it is ok not to be polite. She knows how to calm me down and that sometimes I just need "mothering".
She will also support my choice of giving birth (I want a VBAC), and I know, that she will be able to stand by my choices. OH is all for me to have a c-section again...

Now, when I realized that I really just want my mum here, I am also much less scared about having a natural labour after a c-section. I feel much better and calmer about it! Strange.

fuzzywuzzy Fri 20-May-16 09:38:14

how was he during your other labours?

Tell him if he is unhelpful you will tell the midwife to make him leave, it is your call when you're in labour the focus and attention is on you ad about you and your baby. Not him.

IF he can deal with that thats fine and tell him you will be askign him to fetch you stuff and may not ben ice about it, if he cant accept that then he should be outside whislt someone who can focus on tyou and not resent your dmeands/requests/reaction during intense pain is the best person to be there for you.

This is not about him.

wombat57 Fri 20-May-16 09:47:25

It is our first baby together. And his first option of experience a childbirth.
His ex had a c-section too, and he was kept out of the room at all.

I know, he wants to be there. I know he dearly wants this baby. He wants to cut the cord. And be present.

But, it is not just "presence" I need. I need a person who will put all his needs aside for the duration of the labor, and be there for me and the baby, through screams, pain, tears and all. And that is not him.

Yes, I know it is unfair to him, but I think, having a high risk birth as it is, I need to be able to concentrate 100% on me and my baby.

Notso Fri 20-May-16 10:05:33

Is there an option for your Mum to be there for the most part then switch to DH for when the baby is actually being born?

wombat57 Fri 20-May-16 10:13:12

Ummm.... Nope. I want my mum all the way. Also, I think it would be super unfair to her (I will not go into details, but we are super close and she is the most doting, wonderful grandma there ever was).

Like she did all the hard work, and then - ummm, would you mind leaving now?

Nope.

OTheHugeManatee Fri 20-May-16 10:15:47

YANBU. Sorry but as you have already said this isn't about him - this is about your wellbeing. He will get over it.

LisaMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 20-May-16 10:17:05

Hi wombat57, I agree with the other posters - we are all different in different situations and sometimes the person who's best in one situation won't be in another. I just wonder where you're giving birth as I was under the impression that in all UK hospitals you're allowed two people to be at the birth. But if that isn't possible, I'd suggest Notso's option makes the most sense and all three of you (and baby too!) will be happy with the outcome.

AnotherEmma Fri 20-May-16 10:17:15

Why are you having a baby with a selfish and unsupportive man?

wombat57 Fri 20-May-16 10:24:44

AnotherEmma, he is NOT selfish and unsupportive! He is super supportive and is the best partner and dad ever! I could not imagine having a baby with someone else at all!

Just during stressful situations, different people have different ways of coping. Doesn't mean they are selfish.

He gets frustrated, doesn't know what to do, and starts stressing. Which stresses me out even more. Normally I am ok with that, but in a situation, where I will have no control, I want my mum. As I think, she will cope better.

Lisa, I am giving birth in Latvia. That is also a factor. He doesn't speak the language, and not everyone here speaks English. Also during labor, I think having someone, who speaks local language (my mum) is a better option.

AnotherEmma Fri 20-May-16 10:26:45

The story about your dog and him "exploding" raised some red flags for me. So I looked up your other threads and I can see that he is a recovering alcoholic who has been physically abusive to you in the past.

So yes, you should choose your mother over him.

AnotherEmma Fri 20-May-16 10:32:45

www.al-anonuk.org.uk

wombat57 Fri 20-May-16 10:37:27

Emma, thank you for your concern.

We had really big problems, but lately he has been great.

AnotherEmma Fri 20-May-16 10:37:51

Sure, he's a new man hmm

AnotherEmma Fri 20-May-16 10:40:45

Alcohol and Domestic Violence

wombat57 Fri 20-May-16 10:43:34

Emma, he is himself. He is not new. Just his drinking is under control now and I believe in him and that that time is past us.
He has his bad and good sides. He is human. Like all of us smile

wombat57 Fri 20-May-16 10:45:12

Anyways, post is not about HIM and our problems, all couples have difficulties sometimes. Post is about who to have during labour ;)

AnotherEmma Fri 20-May-16 10:45:20

hmm

ThatStewie Fri 20-May-16 10:46:04

Choose your mother.

We have very different definitions of kind & supportive husbands. A man who prioritises himself over the health and wellbeing of his partner and child isn't kind or supportive. Childbirth isn't a spectator sport. A man who doesn't get that isn't a good father. Nor is a man who is 'selfish' as you describe him. Nor is one who expects to pandered to whilst your giving birth. If his response to 'get me some ice' is 'don't treat me like a dog' during labour then he's not even close to being a good man.

AnotherEmma Fri 20-May-16 10:47:40

Right, listen up everybody

wickedlazy Fri 20-May-16 10:54:58

I felt the same, wasn't sure how he would cope, was afraid it would get to much for him and he would be useless. But dp respected this, and I had my mum in with me, which I'm so glad off, there was one nasty midwife she "sorted out" for me, I think dp would have accused me of being silly instead.

He waited downstairs in the lobby with his mum (he was a nervous wreck and she helped keep him calm) and as soon as ds was born, my mum came down to get him, then went on home to rest (mil came up for a quick peek then went home too).

wombat57 Fri 20-May-16 11:38:39

wicked, I think that would work for us the best. When I'd be close, my mum would call him to drive over, to arrive just after the baby is born. Then my mum can go and have some rest smile

earthmoon Fri 20-May-16 18:32:41

I had mom with me during both my birth because I find her more comforting. DH is wonderful, but mom got experience on her side. Don't know why it matters in my mind that my mother has experienced childbirth herself and DH has 0% experience. But it does. I had a conversation with DH about emergency situation & how I would rather want my mom & to tell me beforehand if he thought this was unfair to him, as we would both need to compromise on one thing or the other. He told me he rather go to work & earn some money rather than sit and watch me be in pain. Work would keep him occupied and not think about his wife in pain (as much as humanly possible while your wife is in labour) When ds1 arrived via emergency c-section mom was with me, calming me down. She has a very calming presence. Second timr he was at home taking care of ds1. Luckily for me, my DH agreed with my way of thinking. However, this time he wants to be there & I'm not going to stop him (easy to say now).Do what's best for you. Labour is not a spectacle sport, let your birthing partner be the person you feel most comfortable with and can vocals your preferences when you can't.

Makesomethingupyouprick Fri 20-May-16 18:44:50

I think you need whoever you need to be with you during labour. I think it would be a real shame for him not to see the birth of his child (even if he could just come in for the 'end' bit) but if you can only have one person present then go with your Mum.

As an aside - and I know people will hate me for being 'that poster' but what you've said about being unable to sit still, fidgety, impulsive, doesn't think before he speaks etc absolutely screams ADHD to me.

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