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Childbirth

In laws want to come to stay before and after birth

38 replies

Annie105 · 13/05/2016 18:32

My in laws (well MIL really) have suggested they come to stay the night before my c section and for a couple of days after, they live just under 4 hours drive away. My own mother lives abroad so is a 2 hou flight away and also wants to come to stay. I love them all dearly and they all get on very well but is it crazy to have them all stay with us? My husband thinks we need our own time to bond , and for me to recover physically, which I do agree with but I do feel id like my mother here for comfort and experience and it would be mean for me to exclude his parents from staying? Thoughts or experiences?

OP posts:

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Cakescakescakes · 13/05/2016 18:37

No way. Don't have either parents. Especially not the night before! If you want them there then book them into a hotel. Coming home with a newborn is INCREDIBLY overwhelming and you will be teary and hormonal soon after birth. My in laws came to visit us the day we got home from the hospital and I hid upstairs and cried as I couldn't cope with people being in my space. And I love my in laws. It was just the timing.

beenaroundawhile · 13/05/2016 18:43

It's your choice but it's also your time. Presumably your DH will have paternity leave, I would suggest the best time to ask family to come and stay is after he's gone back to work when you will need the help. Until then, quite honestly anyone else in the house is just in the way. It doesn't take four adults to look after a baby.

Your DH should be the one to tell them this, you normally find that parents expect their kids to do things the way they did it themselves, so if your mil had people staying before and after baby was born, that's probably why she feels she should be doing the same for you. Good luck.

wintersdawn · 13/05/2016 18:43

No no no.

You've no idea how long you'll be in hospital or how your hormones will react. Have them to stay when DH has gone back to work and you still can't drive.

Doje · 13/05/2016 18:46

My In Laws came a day or so after. They live 4 hours away too, but they had the good sense to book a cottage 10 mins away which was good.

I was quite emotional after the birth (also a c section as it happens) especially trying to establish breastfeeding.

They would come in the morning for an hour or so and have a cuppa and cake, and then so their own thing in the afternoon.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 13/05/2016 18:49

If you want your mum there for support then ask her to come, and explain to MIL that your mum isn't coming as one of the (equally-important) grandmas, she's coming as a Mum, to mother you. And invite MIL to come at some date when you feel you will be ready.

Sparrowlegs248 · 13/05/2016 19:07

I couldn't think of anything worse. But I am not you. If you want your mum then have your mum. It might be nice to have a bit of time to yourselves though. I would also stagger the visits to prolong the help you get post C section.

kiwiscantfly · 13/05/2016 19:22

My pil came to stay two nights before my second ELCS and stayed while i was in hospital to look after DD1. I had four nights in (standard in NZ for CS, two in hospital and and two in a recovery-centre type place) and then they stayed my first night home. After that, they left (they also live four hours away). I was very grateful they were able to do this because I could focus on the CS. But, I did feel like they were in my space, and I definitely wouldn't have wanted them there before and after DD1s birth, at least with the second they had a DC to look after and distract them. Both times my mum (who lives 6 hours away) came for two weeks when DHs paternity leave finished to help and will do so with DC3 in August. This works really well for us because things have settled down a bit but I'm not driving yet (we have to drive everywhere in NZ) so still need help.
Sorry for the marathon response, just wanted to offer a different perspective.

CodyKing · 13/05/2016 19:34

Depends if they are the helpful type or waited on hand and foot type -

It's nice that your DH has you in mind and maybe he's worried he'll be pushed out? It is his baby as well.

My mom was horrified that DH changed a nappy - times change and all that

RaeSkywalker · 13/05/2016 19:40

If I had no other children to consider, no way would I allow this. If I did have other children I'd probably accept that the help might be useful.

To be honest I think I'd ask them all to book into hotels.

Bertieboo1 · 13/05/2016 19:41

I also got teary when returning from hospital after cs 2 to find DM and DMil at home - they had been great looking after DS1 but it turned out I just needed some time with the husband and kids. It was great to have them round the next few days but not for the whole day - agree that hotel/sc place might be better.

oldlaundbooth · 13/05/2016 19:47

DO NOT DO IT.

My PIL'S came to stay for three nights after I had my c-section, under the pretense of cooking, helping with laundry, tidying etc. Promised food etc.

They did nothing. Nothing at all. Brought no food.

MIL arrived, destroyed my kitchen and used all my ingredients to make me a banana bread. A flaming banana bread. They did no washing up, no tidying. They just minced around and annoyed me, totally in the way and a pain in the arse.

FIL insisted on using our bathroom all the time (we have one also in the guest suite) - super irritating when I was still bleeding from the birth and also from the incision - I just wanted free reign of my own damn bathroom!

Also trying to establish breastfeeding with them around etc, nightmare.

They didn't leave the house in three days. No peace, had to be 'on' all the time.

We had to tidy up after them after they left, they basically treated us as a guest house.

Repeat: DO NOT DO IT.

Luckystar1 · 13/05/2016 19:58

I personally couldn't think of anything worse!! I had a 'normal' birth but had been in labour for 48 hours before the birth. I was tired, sore, hormonal and had no clue what I was doing. I'm glad no one was there to 'help', I needed to figure it out for myself without any -useless- useful tips.

Luckystar1 · 13/05/2016 19:58

Strike out fail...

MyCatIsABiggerBastardThanYours · 13/05/2016 19:59

Just No!

Annie105 · 13/05/2016 20:00

amazing responses!! Thank you ladies! Really very balanced. Sounds like by rounding up all your advice the best decision will be have baby, see how I feel once discharged and if I need my mum fly her over. Then when my husband goes back after paternity (he gets 2 weeks although only one of those is his full salary the other statutory) have my in laws around. Although I never actually considered the whole awkward breastfeeding and just the whole overwhelming ness of a new baby in our lives!!

I think my in laws won't want to wait that long... I envisage them "popping down" for one night. But actually now I've read all your advise that might be too much as they'll be expecting to stay in our house which has a couple of spare bedrooms.

I think it's right to not have them all stay immediately and they will probably be upset by this but you are all right it's me baby and husband time x

OP posts:

CodyKing · 13/05/2016 20:01

old are we related? PIL did the same including the banana bread - but she did iron creases in DH jeans - ha ha ha

megletthesecond · 13/05/2016 20:03

No.

You'll feel shattered and vulnerable. The best thing you can do is have a pj week with your dh and new baby. Stock up on ready meals and biscuits and give yourself time to recover.

readingrainbow · 13/05/2016 20:06

Sounds like a good plan. Keep firm though, with the in-laws. My in-laws got "offended" after I had dc3 and they were visiting. I kept giving away because everything was just too much. I was only a few days PP and it was a straightforward labour - still felt rubbish. Leaking...everywhere. I was a mess. Luckily they didn't stay long.

readingrainbow · 13/05/2016 20:06

Hiding away.

BombadierFritz · 13/05/2016 20:09

I really appreciated having my mum there. She helped me with the whole 'omg a baby what do i do' thing plus was a massive support for bf. She was there as my mum, not as a granny. My mil didnt want to come which was handy as i'd have hated that. But i'd have just said 'no' if it came to it, or a hotel and small visits. It can be a v vulnerable and physical time.

Caillou · 13/05/2016 20:11

don't do it!!!!

my fil and sil live abroad and they were due to arrive a few days before the baby was born,

well dd2 decided to be early and arrived on the day they also arrived, and stayed for 2 WHOLE MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know how I did it but never again.

nephrofox · 13/05/2016 20:14

If you have no other children for them to usefully look after then no tell them to get lost.

You won't need them - you will be more than capable of looking after your baby as long as your husband is looking after you

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P1nkP0ppy · 13/05/2016 20:21

I recently did the MIL bit, looking after dc1. DDIL had caesarean, discharged 24 hours later so DS asked me to stay for two nights then come back when he returns to work for a few days.
It's entirely up to the new parents to decide IMO. When dc1 was born we visited for a couple of hours about a week after the birth (4 hour drive), then I went up when DS returned to work for a few days.
As keen as any Gps are to see the newborn, it should be by invitation only and strictly time-limited.

Luckystar1 · 13/05/2016 20:28

Mega bonus points for you as a MIL Pink I wish more grandparents thought like you!

ChangedDays · 13/05/2016 20:35

Can they all book into a local hotel/b&b?
I tend to feel your dh has a huge point. And it's his time too so as much as you might not want your inlaws, he might not want his inlaws 24/7 either.
A few mins down the road might be best of both worlds? Help when you need (housework, cooking etc) but also your own space.

Hope you cs goes well!

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