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too posh to push

(48 Posts)
MrsNuthouse Tue 09-Feb-16 21:33:06

I was told this by someone close to me when I decided to have ELCS after having a very traumatic experience first time round which ended up in EMCS. This has really upset me, I can't even describe the feelings going through me. There's no point explaining anything to her as I've tried and the attitude is still the same.
I too wanted the all natural magical experience when I was pregnant with my first but it all went to hell and this time round I just want the baby out as quick and safe as possible, I don't want "the experience" I had it, it was horrible and I don't want it again! Why is it so difficult for some people to understand that? Why do I have to keep justifying my decision over and over again to everyone? It's like going through the birth trauma again when I'm trying to explain it and people just don't get it. I only have few weeks to go and now I'm just upset and feel like I'm being judged, that I'm somehow a terrible human being for having ELCS.

BisherBasherBosher Tue 09-Feb-16 21:37:41

It's none of this person's business and they're a complete dick for saying this to you. I had a traumatic birth and will seriously consider a section if I have a second child (don't know if I can put myself through it again though).

Junosmum Tue 09-Feb-16 21:54:24

Tell her to fuck off.

Sorry, that's harsh but after a traumatic birth myself I understand the need for an elcs. I had to go to the hospital today for something totally unrelated and got really panicked as we pulled up. People who haven't gone through it don't understand. Yes we'd all love to have the magical unicorns and faries, my-body-knew-exactly-what-to-do type birth but it doesn't always happen.

Grr, your 'friend' has made me so angry!

Wolfiefan Tue 09-Feb-16 21:59:57

That is such bollocks!
Who thinks they'd rather have surgery (with all it entails) because they are posh?! FFS!
Women don't elect for C section without bloody good reasons. Anyone who suggests otherwise is a thoughtless twat.
I'm sorry you had a traumatic experience first time round. Hoping this time is calm and wonderful. Xx

Littlemissjt Tue 09-Feb-16 22:01:23

Ignore.

I had an emcs 6 months ago and if I ever decide to have another child it will be elcs. Some people are just ignorant and don't consider that there might be reasons for things.

I hope you have a much better experience this time round. Don't let this friend have lovely baby cuddles unless she does something useful, brings a dinner or something! Hope it all goes well smile

MrsNuthouse Tue 09-Feb-16 22:04:37

Initially I felt angry but now I just feel sad, a failure. Just having EMCS is traumatic enough but when you add the stuff prior to that its like a double whammy. There were so many complications, I really thought I was going to die and then I thought my baby was going to die. This time I've been told I'm having a high risk pregnancy but it's been quite plain sailing so far but sometimes I start panicking about going through this again and it sounds horrible but I start thinking things like "I shouldn't have done this, why did I get pregnant again?". Then I'm convinced that this time I really am going to die...

MooPointCowsOpinion Tue 09-Feb-16 22:05:46

I'm as pro-natural birth as I think it's possible to be. And I think that phrase is fucking shite. No one should dare to assume to know why someone has a section, and for your friend to keep judging you after you've explained your traumatic first experience is a dick move. Sack her off. She's rubbish.

cosmicglittergirl Tue 09-Feb-16 22:07:02

I've not had a c section, but I can see from friends' experiences it's not 'an easy option'. Can you avoid telling people? It's really no ones business.
Good luck.

WhimsicalWinnifred Tue 09-Feb-16 22:07:22

She's a fucking idiot. That's not your fault. Ignore.

If we have a other, I will be electing to have another section after my highly traumatic emcs which was a code blue. Anyone who tells me I'm too posh to push will swiftly get a broken nose.

Xmasbaby11 Tue 09-Feb-16 22:10:48

What a disgusting ignorant attitude. Many women are lucky and have a positive natural birth experience. Many however have traumatic and difficult births.

I had the latter and my c section with dd2 was a far better birth experience.

I've just had surgery to repair the prolapse that I had as a result of my first vaginal birth. Recovery 6 to 12 weeks. Not fun.

Seriouslyffs Tue 09-Feb-16 22:12:47

She's no friend.

MrsNuthouse Tue 09-Feb-16 22:14:30

Thanks for all your support and I'm so sorry for all your bad experiences...
It's amazing how some people get so judgmental about it all, what does it really matter, isn't it important just to have your baby safely and trying to avoid any trauma to mother if possible. I really should have kept the decision to myself and not tell anyone about it. I guess I was hoping support from people but got judgement instead! Luckily my family has been more than supportive about my decision.

Murloc Tue 09-Feb-16 22:17:06

Whoever said that to you is a judgmental twat.

Don't justify; don't give it another thought. If they say it again, just pity their dickishness - it must be hard going through life expecting everyone to make the same decisions they did.

Before c-sections were readily available, women and babies died. Often. You're making the safest decision for you and your baby, based on your own situation. Fuck anyone who doesn't understand that.

I've had 2 sections, one elective and one emergency. Anyone suggesting that I am a failure for that can poke themselves in the eye with a spoon.

Annie105 Wed 10-Feb-16 08:23:58

I really feel for you. I'm having my first baby and suffer from pregnancy and childbirth anxiety so badly I have requested an ELCS. I have to go through counselling before they will grant this which I find upsetting enough to discuss. I told a friend at the weekend I had requested one and she told me I needed to chill out and breathe and was being ridiculous. And I thought I knew her so well she would have at least listened to my fears and been shocked at how terrified I am not labelled me as over reacting and taking the easy way out.

Anyway my point being lesson learnt. I'm not telling anyone else. No one except those going through it truly understand and those kind enough like some posters here to see outside their own ideals. You don't have to justify your decision to this person so if you can just never discuss your choices with them again. Good luck. I'm sure second time around will be much calmer x

RedToothBrush Wed 10-Feb-16 08:33:10

Why do I have to keep justifying my decision over and over again to everyone?

Because they are ignorant, rude and doesn't respect you.

Just ask her why she doesn't respect you or your doctors and why she is so rude and judgmental! She what reaction you get to that.

I'm somehow a terrible human being for having ELCS
Are you a terrible human being if you suffer PTSD after a car crash? If not, how can you be one for having an ELCS after a traumatic previous birth? Its the same difference. See it like that.

Why is it important to HER that YOU have a particular type of birth anyway? It makes no difference what so ever to her. Not even in costs to the NHS.

Too posh to push is a phrase that was invented by the media to beat women with. None of the evidence backs it up. All the evidence backs up the idea that women who actively want an ELCS are more likely to belong to vulnerable groups and therefore should never be treated with contempt but instead with compassion and understanding.

Just because women were traumatised by birth for thousands of years, does not mean that they should continue to be. Its called 'progress'.

It says far more negative things about someone who has a problem with ELCS than it does about someone who has one.

Alternatively, feel free to ask her to come on here, so we can have a gentle debate on the subject. Ask her to bring evidence based science to back up her opinion.

RedToothBrush Wed 10-Feb-16 08:47:33

Oh Annie. Have confidence. Not everyone is like that. I did find friends really helpful in the end despite being really worried about telling them. Surprisingly so.

I do find how you discuss having an ELCS and the way you frame the conversation is helpful if you do need to talk about it.

Stuff about, high risk, additional needs, working with HCP to come to the best decision for your personal circumstances, women centred care are usually are more helpful than saying you are merely asking for an ELCS. Control the conversation by saying its a joint decision between HCP and you about what's best.

When all else fails, and you have to, drop the words mental health in the conversation. It tends to scare people off asking too many deep and probing questions. And if you do get some, you simply say its something you are discussing with your counsellor / midwife.

You do not need to justify your case to ANYONE but the person assessing your request for an ELCS (and that's another ball game entirely...), but there does tend to be situations where you get asked questions directly that are difficult to avoid or answer unless you have thought about how you reply first.

lastnightiwenttomanderley Wed 10-Feb-16 08:48:51

I had an emcs with DS after a failed forceps attempt (I now know they get three goes).

I have been categorically told by my consultant that they will not take the risk of it happening again and would be highly against anything other than an ELCS if there is a next time.

Because of idiots who harp on about 'Too posh to push' I needed this to mentally validate my c-section.

Ignore your so called friend, and congratulations on your pregnancy!

wonkylegs Wed 10-Feb-16 09:17:05

The person who said that is an idiot. Lucky nobody has said that to me or it would unleash a torrent of fury (super charged by hormones) at them. I am having an elective this time round after several days of labour ending in an emcs for DS, I now also have damaged hips from RA so a natural birth is also risky in terms of my long term health.
There is no 'right way' to have a baby, no way is better than another. Different circumstances will dictate how a baby comes out - the only goal is that it comes out in a way that is healthy and safe as possible for mother and baby.

goodnightdarthvader1 Wed 10-Feb-16 11:55:01

FFS, why can't women just go "Wow, you made a baby! You know, that's a fucking massive thing you did there. That's some fucking hard work! Go you! You're AWESOME, you know that?"

You are NOT a failure. You gave birth to a baby. This "natural-yoga-chanting-hypnobirthing-is-the-only-way-to-go" bollocks can kiss my pregnant ass. As wonky said, there is NO RIGHT WAY to have a baby. Best result is that mother AND baby are happy, healthy and UNTRAMATISED by the experience.

Natural methods have their place, but so do surgical ones. You do what works for you. You made a motherfucking BABY. And you're making another one. That's AMAZING. Tell this bitch to get to fuck.

AJ279 Wed 10-Feb-16 12:19:21

I hate all this judgemental bullshit people come up with about having a baby.

I had a pretty difficult painful induction with an episiotomy threw in at the end and I still wouldn't have the balls to elect to have a c section- I admire people that would all in the name of getting their baby here safely.

None of the options for getting the baby out is an easy option- ignore them!

tinkerbellvspredator Wed 10-Feb-16 12:29:42

I can't imagine that any more than a tiny minority of people feel this way, you're unlucky that one of them is your 'friend'. Sack her off, seriously.

I've had 2 home births so have no real inkling at what you've been through but I have enough empathy to completely 'get' why you'd go for ELCS after a traumatic birth, or for being high risk, or any other reason.

Annie105 Wed 10-Feb-16 12:32:26

Red as ever really helpful points to consider. You are right I did steam in with a .. I need an ELCS style opener!

harryhausen Wed 10-Feb-16 12:41:55

What a disgusting attitude from your friend. Unforgivable.

As hard as it is, just try and blank her out. Some people who had fairly straightforward births sometimes think it was something they did and therefore superior.

I can almost understand your upset. I had a terribly traumatic birth with my first and she was actually delivered in the delivery room when the doctors were saying things like "This should have been in theatre!"shock I ended up with every drug and intervention going, 3rd degree tear that needed months of physio afterwards. I thought I felt fine about everything until a friend sent an innocent round robin text on the announced of his baby that said his wife had managed on just a whiff of gas and air and "that's what he call a proper woman!".

I literally collapsed on the floor and cried for 3 hours while my dh didn't know what to say.

People are right dicks. You're making the right choice for you and your baby. Planned c-section will be calm and less hectic. You'll both be fine xx

RedToothBrush Wed 10-Feb-16 13:04:42

Annie, its amazing the different reaction you will get if you say

"Me and the consultant have decided that the best course of action for my additional needs is an ELCS"

compared with

"I have decided I want an ELCS".

You can then be as vague or as detailed as possible about what 'additional needs' actually means depending on the person and their initial reaction then. 'Its complicated' covers a lot of bases, when faced with not really wanting to go into it or meeting a bit of a hostile reaction.

Wolfiefan Wed 10-Feb-16 13:07:52

You grew a baby!
That makes you a success. Not a failure.
If you are higher risk then you will be more carefully monitored. And you and your baby will be safe.
That's the most important thing. X

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