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Upset to never have laboured

(19 Posts)
LowlLowl Mon 25-Jan-16 15:02:08

I'm full term with dc2 (and this will be my last pregnancy). I was induced and had an EMCS with my ds, and really wanted a VBAC this time, but nothing's happening and because of my age, BMI and previous c-section I've been booked in for a reluctant ELCS on Friday. I know it's the right thing to do - my head knows it anyway. The health of my baby is paramount and I won't risk it. But my heart is a bit broken to have never experienced going into labour. I feel like my body has let me down somehow, and I've missed out on a natural process which I'd always assumed was going to happen to me. My DH gets it, but my DM and DMIL are very stiff-upper-lip types and keep saying things like 'as long as you and the baby are ok then what's the problem' which just makes me cry. After the EMCS with ds1 I was very unhappy (bordering on PND) and grieving for the birth experience I didn't have, and it took me ages to bond with ds. I'm fine now, but scared it will happen to me again.

Just wanted to know I'm not alone in feeling this way. I know I'll get through it, I'm just unhappy, tired and hormonal at the moment and could do with a hand-hold.

Micah Mon 25-Jan-16 15:09:58

I felt the same way for a long time. I would cry every time I heard someone's birth story, especially those "fell out on the bathroom floor ones" I would desperately read to the end of online stories to see if they'd needed a CS too.

I'm 7 years down the road now though and can honestly say it doesn't bother me any more. It seems major at the time, and for a long while after, then time and distance puts it into perspective. I can think about it now without the guilt and wishing I could go back and do it "properly". It's just another event in my life.

What pisses me off now is people finding out I had a CS and assuming I had it easy hmm.

whatevva Mon 25-Jan-16 15:20:20

The ELCS should be a better experience than the EMCS+induction.

I think Micah is right - further down the road, it is not so important (and I say that as someone who had 2 'easy' natural deliveries - they also have their problems such as my recent 'repair job' 20 years down the line hmm and the chaos and unknowns that I had to deal with).

I hope your little DC2 arrives safely and happily on Friday flowers

whatevva Mon 25-Jan-16 15:23:07

PS - if this is your last baby, take loads of photos of the nice bits - the windy grimaces, DC together, baby on dad etc. I had twins second time and knew that I would have no more so made a huge effort to remember the nice bits. DS1 was a catalogue of things going wrong, so it was worth it. I love my baby album smile.

originalusernamefail Mon 25-Jan-16 15:29:07

I know what you mean. My DSs were born 'naturally' but at the end of absolutely shit pregnancies (40 weeks of HG, SPD, kidney damage due to UTIs and prolonged ketosis, low BP). In the back of my mind I'm sad I didn't get the easy, breezy, glowing pregnancy experienced by some of my friends. Even though DS2 is only a few weeks in my heart of hearts I would like DC3 however I know it will never happen as I cannot inflict another pregnancy on myself, DH or my sons. I try to tell myself that my body has not let me down, it has grown and protected two healthy boys and that is something to be proud of, how they get here is not the experience, having them in our lives is.

KatyN Mon 25-Jan-16 17:01:58

Both my children were induced, both were assisted deliveries, both were in serious distress during labour causing some major worries.
I am a bit sad I've never gone through a natural labour but similarly I wonder if actually my body would be rubbish at it!!! There are lots of other things I've never done and I think if labour as another one.
So I see where you are coming from but these cherubs are defo worth it!
Good luck kxx

LowlLowl Mon 25-Jan-16 21:34:51

Thank you all. It's good to know I'm not alone. I'm going to try and make the best of the ELCS... fingers crossed I have a sympathetic surgeon! In the meantime I'll crack on with the hot curry, hot baths, pineapple and raspberry leaf tea, just in case......

strangerjo Mon 01-Feb-16 10:23:22

I assumed most people would dread childbirth - I definitely do (it doesn't look much fun and it looks chaotic and very unpredictable!). I know many people with bad natural birth stories (resulting in interventions) but few people who were unhappy with a planned elective cs. Have you seen this? www.theguardian.com/society/2005/dec/03/health.medicineandhealth

Maybe a 'natural cesarean' approach might help?

LowlLowl Tue 02-Feb-16 07:43:00

Thank you for that link, it was interesting. I was very fortunate in that the delivery unit wasn't very busy and I had a great team who helped it be a good experience - I was able to watch my son come out which was magical! Unfortunately he had breathing issues and had to go straight to the special care baby unit so I didn't get a cuddle for hours, but he's ok now and feeding well so it's all worked out fine. The recovery is faster this time too (although still v painful!)

I suppose my 'grief' is related more to the artificial nature of cesarean birth. I don't feel a link to the natural order of things and I feel like my body has let me down a bit. I'm very aware that this is a first world problem though!

bimandbam Tue 02-Feb-16 08:01:57

I soet of know how you feel. Dd was breech so had an elcs. Was very glad at the time as I was petrified of actually giving birth.

Fast forward 10 years (and 4 years ttc) and I was looking forward to a nice, calm vbac. However ds was also breech so another elcs booked.

However both my elcs were lovely and calm. Ds delivered straight to my chest with delayed cord clamping. Loads of immediate skin to skin. Brilliant recovery and I bonded instantly.

No more babies for me but if I were I would push for another elcs. My body produced two perfect babies. Science helped out the messy bit but that's fine!

Wheresthattomoibabber Tue 02-Feb-16 08:02:28

I had three labours and three EMCS. Failure to progress, undiagnosed breech, failure to progress.

My hospital offered a service called birth afterthoughts (or something!). A specialised midwife came round and went through all my notes with me and held my hand while I grieved for the births I wanted. It was incredibly helpful for me and really helped me come to terms with what I felt I was 'missing out' on. She helped me to see that each decision in my care had been made on a medical basis and was not my 'fault'.

My youngest is now 6. I am at peace with the way all my DC arrived in this world. Although it doesn't feel like it at the time, birth is a tiny part of parenting and insignificant compared to a lifetime of loving your children.

ICJump Tue 02-Feb-16 08:55:26

It might be worth talking through your feelings with a birth specialist. Some like birth crisis http://www.sheilakitzinger.com/birthcrisis.htm or birth trauma
http://www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk

Being able to talk through your feelings of grief might be helpful

mrsmugoo Wed 10-Feb-16 14:11:11

I understand your feelings. I'm pregnant with my second after an ELCS for breech. To the outside world I'm all "yeah if I need another c sec I'll be ok etc..." But privately I know I'll be gutted. I was gutted first time around but knew I was planning one more baby.

I hope it works out for you thanks

1AngelicFruitCake Wed 10-Feb-16 20:33:19

I know exactly how you feel. I was in labour with my first baby but had to have an emcs and couldn't get past the fact that I hadn't pushed my baby out. I felt like I missed out on a part of being a mum that everyone goes through. I felt really down about it and cheated. My family didn't really understand. I'm now possibly having an Elc and trying to accept that I'll never have they birth experience. I just keep thinking that I'm being very silly thinking like that when I'm lucky enough to have a gorgeous little one.

Good luck. I think we just have to learn to accept it and focus on everything we do have.

FellOutOfBedTwice Wed 10-Feb-16 20:40:01

Like original up thread I had a natural (and quite nice- if there is such a thing) birth but after a dreadful pregnancy of HG, various infections and hospital admissions. In pregnant with DC2 now and this is going the same way- very ill once again with HG. I felt with DD- and feel again now- a huge failure who's body isn't cut out for this. I feel sad already because I always wanted three but I'm not sure I can do it again if- touch wood- this one ends well. So basically I think a lot of women- whatever their birthing circumstances are- give themselves a hard time about their pregnancy experiences. I don't know what the answer is but you aren't alone.

Loulou2kent Wed 10-Feb-16 20:56:11

Been here too! Still am really! Ds1 was born emcs. I was devastated, jealous of any friend who had a vaginal delivery. Couldn't watch one born etc, honestly felt so cheated of something that you just expect to go through. Fast forward 4 years and after desperately trying for a vbac and failing miserably I ended up with another emcs. I felt so useless. Family don't understand & im from a family where everywoman had wonderful birth experiences, but I can honestly hand on heart say I feel completely deflated by it. I once read a thread on how lucky we are to be alive in this day and age. But that made me cry more! Basically I thought by rights I shouldn't have given birth to my babies it was only medical intervention that brought them into the world... I've already been told any others will be c sections. I truly believe you just need to grieve & one day you will be at peace with it. I can't wait for the day I don't feel I have to explain why I had a c section & what went wrong etc...?? We are all mums though & you will be a wonderful mummy. Really really hope you feel better about it soon. It really isn't nice when it's all you think about towards the end & it's all you think about when your healing & everyone wants details. Look after yourself & love your body. You still created a baby! I'm sorry I've put such a sad & downbeat post. I guess I've been holding a lot in too. Goodluck OP X X X

LastOneDancing Wed 10-Feb-16 21:15:46

LouLou - I can so relate to your post. After I had an EMCS I was jealous, felt cheated and could remember howling 'it's all LIES!' at OBEM.

I have opted for an ELCS this time as the sensible part of me thinks it's my best chance of having that 'moment' when i meet DC2, instead of being too terrified to give a shit like I was with my poor DC1. My undercarriage won't be torn and DC won't need vontouse or forceps - all good.

But I am sad. I feel pathetic. I feel weak and I will never be long to that huge group of awesome, inspiring, brave women who birthed naturally. I feel inferior.

I appreciate I should be bloody grateful for the privalege of choice and our amazing free maternity provision and I truly am. But feelings are feelings aren't they?

Loulou2kent Wed 10-Feb-16 21:28:30

Yes Last One Standing!!

Feelings are feelings & it's so hard to say how anyone should feel. I completely understand some women who birth naturally end up with tears & stitches & prolapse etc, but I still wanted to experience it haha. A close friend who had 2 boys first CS & 2nd son vbac distinctly told me how she bonded sooooo much better with the natural birth & that was it. I went off & cried for bloody ages. I love both my boys like crazy & felt I bonded instantly! But is that what people will think of me? That I obviously didn't bond... I'm much better than I was but the only thing that makes me shed a little tear is when I hear people talk about how proud they are of their wives, gf's etc. My mum often comments at how wonderful my sister was at pushing out my nephew. It shouldn't upset me but it does. They make it sound like things were done for us, we didn't do anything ourselves confused. Anyway..... I do think all women are amazing for everything we endure, whether it's getting pregnant, staying pregnant, c section or natural, depression no depression, back to work, not back to work. The list is endless!! I'm sure more things will drive me crazy the older I get haha. X X

Loulou2kent Wed 10-Feb-16 21:31:16

I also want to say you are defo not inferior! Enjoy the elcs. Enjoy every moment & I wish you a speedy recovery when the time comes smile X

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