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Can I refuse to have DP there at birth?

(15 Posts)
Stylingwax Sun 13-Dec-15 14:04:48

DP should really be ex DP but given I'm 37 weeks pregnant and have a toddler, and nowhere else currently to live, we're doing our best to muddle on for a couple of months till the situation re housing becomes more flexible.
I don't want him there at the birth, he was fairly useless with DS and I can barely stand him around me at the best of times.
I don't want to have another argument before the event, so was planning to refuse him access when I go to hospital.
Does anyone know if I can do this?

WiIdfire Sun 13-Dec-15 14:06:27

Yes you can. Have you arranged someone else to be with you?

GinandJag Sun 13-Dec-15 14:07:17

Of course you can.

Speak to your midwife and she will make sure it goes on your notes.

ProfGrammaticus Sun 13-Dec-15 14:08:57

Yes, you absolutely can.
Have you thought about an alternative birth partner?

alltouchedout Sun 13-Dec-15 14:10:20

You definitely can. No one can force you to have him there.

Stylingwax Sun 13-Dec-15 14:10:53

Not really. We live 100 miles from my family and surrounded by his so there isn't really anyone else. To be honest just a midwife will be fine, I tend to be a bit solitary anyway.
Don't really want to write it on my notes in case he reads it beforehand.

WiIdfire Sun 13-Dec-15 20:19:37

You dont need to have it on your notes, just tell the midwife when you get there, and make sure you emphasize how important it is. You dont need anyone with you if you dont want, but do think about who will look after the toddler and how you will get to the hospital.

Penfold007 Sun 13-Dec-15 20:24:36

Who is going to be looking after your DS? Yes you can, just speak to your midwife and they will discreetly note your request.

bittapitta Mon 14-Dec-15 07:24:13

Can you afford a doula?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 14-Dec-15 07:28:33

Surely he needs to stay and take care of the toddler then?

bebo100 Mon 14-Dec-15 07:55:26

Hi, I think you're perfectly within your rights not to have him there if that's how you feel. You need to be as comfortable as possible in labour emotionally as well as physically.

But trying to look at this from his perspective it sounds a little harsh not to tell him beforehand. He may be really excited about the new arrival, so denying him those first few moments of life is a big deal. Tell him. Let him get used to the idea at least.

Sunshine511 Wed 16-Dec-15 10:16:37

Assuming you have someone else to look after your other dc, how would you feel about him possibly coming into the room straight away once the baby had been born, so he's there for their first few moments? If you refuse him entry when the time comes, could he then cause problems to you in terms of having somewhere to stay immediately after the baby is born? I of course don't know all the facts and don't have all the information and it sounds like you're in a very difficult situation. If I'm being honest, I just think that this child is as much his as it is yours and he may find it unforgivable if you spring this on him while you're in labour. I agree with Bebo that he may be so excited about those first few moments! Is there anyway you could labour alone and he could come in at the very end when you're literally pushing the baby out?x

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal Thu 17-Dec-15 12:29:15

You are in absolutely no way obliged to have ANYONE with you who would make you uncomfortable or cause you stress.

It MAY however be a good idea to make this clear to him in advance, otherwise you might find yourself in labour and arguing with him, then simply giving in because you're in too much pain.

It will largely depend on what he is like however, and no-one here will know that better than you.

I would suggest saying to him that you want to be focusing on the labour and giving birth, and don't want anyone with you. That means that he would be able to look after the other child whilst you are in hospital, so makes perfect sense.

If you try and approach it from a "this is the practical solution" angle, rather than the "fuck off I don't want you angle" it will probably be much easier for him to accept and maybe avoid arguments.

If he tries to push it saying that you could leave DS with his family, then you will need to put your foot down and say "no, I want you to stay with him, keep him distracted, etc. You will be more helpful with him than you would with me".

If he STILL won't listen, then make it clear you want to do this alone, you have the right to get through the labour without a big source of stress there with you, and ask him to respect that.

Then make it very very clear to the midwives.

ShebaShimmyShake Thu 17-Dec-15 14:33:22

It disturbs me that you think this is a question. Somewhere along the line, the idea of partners being there to support the labouring women became about partners' RIGHTS to be there and any woman who doesn't want this is demonised to hell and back (not in this thread, luckily, but I've seen it in many places).

You are the patient and you have the same rights to patient confidentiality and autonomy as anyone else who is being attended by medical professionals for any reason. I realise women's bodies are widely considered public property but people who think childbirth is a spectator sport where everyone's wishes count except for the mother make me furious.

Sorry for the rant but in a nutshell, yes, you can refuse to have anyone there at all. Absolutely nobody has a right to be there unless you say they can. Just make darn sure the midwives know, and don't tell him you're going into labour - or anyone who might let it slip to him.

ShebaShimmyShake Thu 17-Dec-15 14:36:02

Also, I'd advise against arranging to have him come in immediately afterwards. Knowing he's out there waiting is likely to stress you out and you don't need that. The more supported, safe and calm you feel, the greater your chances of a straightforward uncomplicated birth. That's to the benefit of both you and the baby.

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