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one year and still cant let it go

(22 Posts)
weeonion Wed 04-Nov-15 21:40:56

This time last year I was having early contractions, my birth pool was inflated, the lights were dimmed and I was getting ready for homebirthing dd2. I was excited,feeling good and ready for it all.

She was born at 16.08 the following day after an emergency transfer to hospital and csection. She was back to back with deflexed chin and hours of pushing could not get her to move nor me tobdilate the last centimetre. It all ended the polar opposite of what I had hoped for. It really affected me at the time and took a long time for me to stop replaying it all over and over again.

She is fab funny healthy happy baby and I know I am so lucky to have her.

I am sitting wrapping her birthday pressies in tears. It has all came flooding back today and all those dark thoughts are flooding what should be a happy time.
I don't feel like I can say anything to people so just needed a chance to say it.

RandomMess Wed 04-Nov-15 21:43:20

Hugs & flowers

It's ok to be disappointed and sad and grieve a bit x

StealthPolarBear Wed 04-Nov-15 21:43:27

Wee onion <waves> you sound like you should talk to your GP or health visitor.
And happy birthday to your little dd smile

weeonion Wed 04-Nov-15 22:02:08

Hi stealth - waves back!

I think I push it to the back of my mind but when I think of the late morning and afternoon before she was born - I still struggle to get my head around what happened. How it went from so positive, in control with her arrival supposedly imminent to the most medicalised situation.

I don't allow myself to think of it too much but today I have been doing the whole "this time last year...."

firefly78 Wed 04-Nov-15 22:13:52

i had similar with my son. horrible isnt it. xxxx

Redberrypie Wed 04-Nov-15 22:21:06

It is horrible and impossible to not replay it all on the birthday, but it will become easier to accept with time. My ds is nearly 5 and I am at peace with it all now and have been for a few years.

I found it helped to talk it all through with my dh.

flowers

nilbyname Wed 04-Nov-15 22:26:44

I had similar with my DS. It was the birth of my second, and hypno birthing therapy and pre birth counselling that set me right and helped me let go of the bad feelings and trauma.

My counsellor really helped me work out my feelings about my emergency c section and the guilt and fear I was still holding on to. I really recommend it.

nilbyname Wed 04-Nov-15 22:27:21

Oh and dh and I had the counselling together.

weeonion Wed 04-Nov-15 22:30:55

Thanks randomMess.

Fireflyflowers

Redberrypie - sounds wrong to say but I am glad I am not the only one. Thanks for sharing and also some reassurance that it gets easier.

TotalConfucius Wed 04-Nov-15 22:31:29

I had a very traumatic birth with my son - absolutely everything went pear shaped, he was critically ill (he does have a disability caused during the birth but that's neither here nor there for these purposes), I was quite ill afterwards too.
I had this vision for a very long time of what my life was going to be like. AND I DIDN'T EFFING WELL GET MY DREAM.
I got him to 14 months before I broke. And I mean absolutely broke and had to slowly and surely put myself back together again with help from family, friends, counselling...and time. But always, always, during those early few years I loved him.
He turns 21 on Friday and has a full metal jacket of qualifications, a university place and just been thrown over by his gf. But this time of year is still a little melancholy for me. But not the tearfest it once was.

Please don't delay, go and speak to the GP about some counselling. Something that should have been lovely turned really rather shitty. It's time to begin putting it all to bed now.
Incidentally, now when I look back, I think when I broke, the way I got put together made me a much better person overall. Be kind to yourself. And also incidentally I did venture back there 7 years later and have a DD of 13 who had a very peaceful planned birth, not nearly so exciting, thank heavens.

prettywhiteguitar Wed 04-Nov-15 22:35:11

I think what helped me to come to terms with my last labour was to think about how not in control I was over what happened. I wasn't in control of the position of my baby, I couldn't control how much I bled out and in the end I still came out with my baby.
I felt traumatised and had a lot of little cry's about what happened, I also told family who at the time straight after my labour just ignored it. I kept on about it until I felt that it had been accepted.

Everyone heals in their own way but talking to the midwife's after really helped me.

MythologicalPersonage Thu 05-Nov-15 09:24:48

I found that writing about my experience really helped. I needed to do this anyway as I decided to make a complaint about a particular healthcare professional who treated me badly. The trust is currently investigating but writing it all out was therapeutic.

Have a look at the birth trauma association website as well. It helped me to know that replaying the event in your mind is very common after having a traumatic birth experience.

KissingFish Thu 05-Nov-15 09:34:54

You might have PTSD. Our sons birth was not great and he ended up in special care for his first week. My wife finally got diagnosed with PTSD and got therapy. She's a lot better now.

weeonion Thu 05-Nov-15 09:50:00

Thanks folks.
Dp finds it hard to talk about as he feels guilty that he let me down a bit once we transferred to hospital. We had gone through what would I want / need if there was emergency transfer from home but when it happened - he forgot everything and kind of retreated into himself.

I think it is too late to speak to a midwife about it or go over my notes? My GP is very much of the you've got yr baby so that is all that matters mindset.

Will check out birth trauma site.

X

Spitoon Sun 08-Nov-15 12:12:06

I could have written most of your OP myself sad I had my baby in August. I get really random horrible flashbacks.

cornishglos Sun 08-Nov-15 13:39:37

I was very upset by my first birth. 24 hour b@b, epidural, long recovery from stitches... Just given birth to my second. .5 hour uncomplicated labour, no time for pain relief. I can honestly say that childbirth, no matter what happens, can be shocking and brutal. Even though the second was so much better than the first, I still found it horrific and never want to experience it again. What helped me most in accepting the first was to remember that we are NOT all made for it. In nature, childbirth is brutal and many won't survive it. Whatever your experience, there is no right or wrong.

weeonion Sun 08-Nov-15 18:19:36

Spitoon, I hope you are getting some support. X

Cornishglos - my birthing experience with dd1 was great, very much in control and so validating and affirming. It really boosted my confidence in myself and all I was capable of. No pain relief, no trauma and no regrets. That is why I wanted a homebirth.

Thus time totally destroyed my confidence and belief in myself and faith in my body. I am still not convinced it had to go the way it did and even if an emergency section was the only way - I think alot of things could have been handled better. I still feel like I had an operation, not given birth.
I have tried to write it out but there are huge questions unanswered for me. Dp really struggles to talk about it as he is so defensive about things that happened.

Dd2 was always planned to be my last. If she wasn't - I really don't think I could do it again.

Dixiechick17 Sun 08-Nov-15 22:26:42

Just wanted to say that my friend had a debriefing a year after the birth with the midwife and a consultant to get her head around the birth she had and to deal with it. So it's not too late to speak to someone and have them go through your notes.

Sending hugs flowers

mineofuselessinformation Sun 08-Nov-15 22:33:35

What Dixiechick said - ask for a debrief. Talk to DP about it and ask him if he wants to come along too.

BadgerFace Thu 12-Nov-15 14:50:15

Definitely ask for a debrief, I had mine when DD was about 14 months and we were starting to think about TTC No. 2 and I had questions about whether I'd end up with another EMCS. If you ring your hospital maternity section they'll put you on to the right person to make the appointment. I found mine very cathartic, especially as I'd not really thought about the slightly traumatic time I'd had as it was hugely overshadowed by the problems we had trying to establish breastfeeding! The debrief midwife couldn't have been lovelier.

Lilipot15 Thu 12-Nov-15 14:56:25

Happy Birthday to your DD. Please don't let these sad thoughts spoil what should be a happy time for you. I agree that you should ask for a debrief but also consider the need for a few sessions of counselling (some people specialise in birth trauma) to sort out these thoughts.

I had an emergency section first time but my intrusive thoughts were about what could have been if they hadn't got her out rather than the loss of my own birth plan. I nearly went for counselling, then suddenly they stopped and I just feel grateful now for a heathy toddler. I went on to have a very good experience with a planned section although did get upset talking about the first delivery again in my VBAC appointment.

Lilipot15 Thu 12-Nov-15 15:06:03

OP - just saw what you wrote about your DP. He needs to attend debriefs / counselling / look at good info online with you if he can bear it. Particularly if you may have other children.
My DH only fairly recently told me that he had a moment of sitting alone with our new baby wondering why it was taking so long to get me out of theatre, and genuinely thinking this was it, and he was going to be on his own with the baby. I cried when he told me. He had been really scared and I was angry that whilst I was being very well looked after he had been on his own like that.

It also made me realise how hard these situations are for the blokes, I had lots of sympathy (which actually I didn't really want as I did not want to talk much about the details with many people) but very few, if any, people considered how it was for him.

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