Giving birth alone(20 Posts)
DH and I have a 2.9yo toddler DS, and live far away from both our families. DS has never been cared for by anyone else overnight, although he is at nursery a few days a week.
I'm 36 weeks pg and although we have some NCT friends that are happy to have him while I'm in labour, I'm really worried about him staying overnight with any of them - I think he would be scared and confused, and I don't want his first meeting with his new sibling to be connected to a traumatic experience.
So I think the best solution is simply for DH to look after DS while I'm in labour, at least at night. Which means labouring on my own. Has anyone else done this? Was it ok? Do you have someone (a midwife) with you all the time?
I think I would be ok, but there are tons of little things running around in my mind, like if it happens at night, will I be able to get to the hospital on my own? (Taxi?) And what if there are problems and the baby needs to be taken away straight after birth - I don't like the idea of DH not being there with the baby (with DS' birth he had strict instructions to follow the baby and not let him out of his sight - luckily it never came to that as the birth was fairly straight-forward).
I have thought of a Doula, but I think I'm a bit late for that now, and also, I'm fairly sure I will be asking for an epidural, and Doulas seem to be very much about natural birth. I think I would feel a bit ashamed like I was 'letting her down' (I know this is silly) by going down the medicalised route...
I guess I'm just looking for encouraging stories of others who have been in the same situation and hearing what you did/how things ended up for you...
Why dont you do a trail run with your friend. have your DS stay overnight before your in Labour then you'll know how he's reacting. He may well surprise you and not be bothered by it at all
I can tell you my mum had 2 out of 5 of her kids at home. Alone. She gave birth to my eldest brother on her own. Then another time, my dad was on the phone talking to the hospital when she had my brother by herself by the time he had finished. It's definitely do-able and you're very brave to consider it. Obviously you'd be checked over at the hospital afterwards anyway. But you can do it alone, as long as there were no complications with your previous birth that are at risk of happening again.
Have you spoken to anyone about this, midwife etc.? What're their views? Even if they decide against it, they can't drag you into hospital to give birth at the end of the day. If you have all the information you need to know, and you feel comfortable with it... I'd say do it. Is it not an option for your DS to be in the next room? You might be lucky and he'll be asleep at the time and wakes up to a new sibling.
Waters broke at 5am..got taxi on my own to hospital and gave birth with a midwufe at 8.
H came along at 9 when he'd dropped dd at a friends. We had no one to take her at night.
It was fine.
I know you're worried but your little boy will be fine with a friend. Have a trial run or two as suggested above.
I think labour alone if you have to is one thing but you have a choice here. Apart from your feelings how would your DH feel about missing the arrival of dc2?
Lonz I don't think she means on her own as in without medical assistance; she means on her own as in at the hospital without her DH.
OP wouldn't your husband be gutted to miss the birth of his child just because of childcare butterflies? And wouldn't it make the experience unnecessarily scarier for you? I agree with the suggestion of a trial run with the friend. DD stayed overnight with friends for the first time the night DS was born as we have no local family. She'd just turned two and had never had a night without us before but knew the friends well and was absolutely fine - we talked about it a lot beforehand. I think you'd really regret your husband not being there but tell me to get lost if I'm just projecting how I'd feel. Good luck.
Had the last two without DH , who was looking after the first one . Didn't bother me, the midwives are the ones delivering and I was perfectly able to communicate with them. They rang D H when it was over and he brought the younger ones at visiting time . I haven't noticed any difference in the relationship between DH and the eldest, were he was present for the birth, and the younger two. Like you op, we had no family near enough and friends all had tiny children too , so I didn't like to ask .
I would have happily had all three without DH, lovely as he is I just need to go into zone and being solo makes that easier. I agree to trying trial run with friend though, you may find that it would be fine anyway.
A homebirth would be an option but its sounds like you would like the option of the epidural, I am sure a good doula would respect your wishes. Or how about asking one of nct friends to be a birth partner. I wouldn't like the idea of being in labour and having no one to advocate on my behalf.
I would definitely trial run a sleepover with one of your friends. It will be fine and I'm sure your Ds will have a great time!
I did, waters broke in the supermarket and they called an ambulance. Went to hospital at 11am and had DD at just after 5pm. It seemed like by the time they had settled me in I was ready to push. Phoned EXH who promptly left work and having stopped via the pub en route missed the whole thing. Midwife stayed with me and it was all ok, just very quick and didn't really miss EXH. He was a bit miffed at missing the birth but soon got over it.
I'm a lone parent and just faced this issue. My two year ol went to stay with friends for four nights while I was giving birth to my second baby. DD had never spent time (besides nursery) away from me and I worried.
As it happened, she accepted her baby brother much faster than she forgave me.
Either way, you'll be fine. I don't think giving birth alone in hospital would be a huge deal and I don't think your first born will hate you forever if you choose to send her to a friend.
I had my second alone - It was fine. In fact I would say it was easier than the first which was all about DH and how he felt. It was a treat to have the birth all about the baby and me. I had an amazing doctor and midwives and you know, second time around was less scary than first even though it was different. It was not unknown territory IYKWIM.
I'm in the same situation (28 weeks ) and considering either a home birth or going to hospital on my own. I had a terrible experience with mw with dd1 so a little nervous but if there is no other option l will just have to go with it
Tbh I'm putting off thinking about it until much closer, probably around 36 weeks!
A good doula has no.agenda but supporting you. The one I hired had supported all sorts , including elective sections (though sections can be tricky if there is a birth partner too as normally only one of them is allowed into theatre ).
Just in case that helps.
What about a home birth? We are home birthing and ds is likely to be here unless its during school time.
A doula will not judge your choices, she will be there for you and support you, even if you go for all the drugs under the sun and beg for more!
I would try a few trial runs with your LO staying over with friends, you never know! Try te round there first, then, tea and bath, then sleep over.
I haven't althougj ds2 & 3 were very nearly born before dp got to the hospital and I was fine, and would have been fine if he had missed it.
Ds3 had to go to nicu and although dp had stricked instructions not to leave him he wasnt allowed to go with him.
I read an article recently about a doctor who recommends giving birth alone or with just a midwife. It was in New Scientist so can't link as it's subscription, but here's some other coverage.
I don't know if he's right but it was interesting and certainly made the idea seem quite nice.
I was also in hospital next to a woman who had done it for the same reason as you. She had a midwife the whole time and it went fine.
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