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Was anyone upset with their relatives after birth?

(16 Posts)
UpsideDownMama Thu 25-Jun-15 13:27:53

Months on I'm still angry with some of my relatives with how the behaved after the birth of DC1. We'd had a very traumatic birth and I was very ill for the first 2 weeks recovering. But instead of letting me rest DH's side of the family would turn up for hours and refuse to leave even when I would literally get up and say I need to go to bed. When I was trying to establish breastfeeding in hospital we would have to pretty much force them out the door so I could have some privacy and then they would keep coming back mid-feed even tho we said DH would come get them when we were ready. when we asked MIL not to visit one day (We'd had a medical emergency in the night and were exhausted) she text and called repeatedly all day asking 'can I come now? How about in an hour?' shouted at DH and came round anyway and then stopped talking to us. Some other relatives invited themselves round and then text is asking if we could cook for them too as their visit fell across lunch (I wasn't able to move let alone cook for people!). Is this normal? Why would women who've had kids behave like this (at least the men can plead ignorance)? Has anyone else had a similar experience? It felt like there was no concern for my recovery and no attempt to make a very difficult time any easy (in fact they made it so much harder for us). Am I just being too sensitive? Help!!

MuddyWellyNelly Thu 25-Jun-15 14:11:01

Oh goodness I haven't experienced this (first baby on the way and don't expect either side of the family to be quite so rude!). But no, I don't think it's normal at all, and I don't think you are being too sensitive. Can you cook for them? Really????

However, unfortunately this has happened, and there is no undoing it. Is there some way to put this behind you? Are they still behaving this way, hence why it's still so upsetting for you?

You have my sympathies, they sound like arseholes sad

Whatamuckingfuddle Thu 25-Jun-15 14:17:29

My family could be difficult/insensitive but nothing like this. Is thee any way you can just stop them, or go and recover in a hotel for a week and not tell them where you are?

snarferson Thu 25-Jun-15 14:20:33

Oh you have my sympathies I had a similar experience. I had a c section and when I got home people just wouldn't stop coming. It would start about 10 am and carry on until 10pm. At one stage I had 13 "guests" in my living room. Even family that we hardly see. A mw came to check on us and FIL and BIL just sat there. I was furious as I ended up taking the mw upstairs.
I actually freaked out at DP after about 4 days and told him to tell everyone to stop coming. It lasted 2 days then it started again. I couldn't escape as I was in too much pain to walk and couldn't drive. It died down when DD was about 3 weeks. I hated it (although people did bring me food rather than having the cheek of asking me to cook for them!!).
Next time I will be implementing some rules beforehand I think and you are not being insensitive at all. If this was in AIBU I would say YADNBU!! hug

bonzo77 Thu 25-Jun-15 14:25:16

Not by my relatives but yes by DH's. They were thoughtless selfish pricks after both DS1 and DS2. I'm now 28 weeks with DS2. God knows what fuckwittery will go on this time. DH has learnt a lot since DS1, and more since DS2. He'll be under instructions to manage them properly or I will. And if I'm having to do it they won't be visiting at all.

soloula Thu 25-Jun-15 23:16:13

My in laws are no longer welcome in our house because of the way they behaved on several visits before that. If DH was out the room changing DD no one would talk to me. I was in a lot of discomfort from infected stitches and was left to make them cups of tea and fetch biscuits. If DD cried no one offered to help out so by the time she was settled my tea was always stone cold - all ny friends and family were the complete opposite and went out their way to help. Some friends cleaned my kitchen. Some took DD out for a walk yo give us a wee break. It really highlighted how unhelpful the inlaws were. On more than one occasion DH politely asked them to leave and said he'd run them home as I was tired but they said no its ok they'll get a taxi later. On the last visit we got a really nasty text from SIL afterwards saying, amongst other things, that we were really inconsiderate as we always invited them over when DD was sleeping. I mean WTF she was a newborn - she was always sleeping. After that we visited them at their house so we could leave when we'd had enough! So I feel your pain and no you're not too sensitive UpsideDownMama - they're the ones that have been completely insensitive to you. People seem to lose all common sense when a new baby arrives!

Raveismyera Thu 25-Jun-15 23:19:21

I am almost too angry with your relatives to answer but didn't want to not reply. Really sorry they were so so awful. I would never forgive angry

meglet Thu 25-Jun-15 23:22:59

yes. The parents were the worst. oblivious to the fact I'd had an EMCS and was struggling to bf. but, hey, just stand chatting over me in the hospital bed like I'm not there. too many visitors at home too.

I have massive issues 8yrs on about those early days. (made up for It by being a stroppy diva with dc2 though).

Athenaviolet Thu 25-Jun-15 23:26:32

Previous generations bottle fed from birth and c sections were rare so it was easier to pass a newborn around various relatives and the mums didn't have surgery to recover from.

I don't think they get how much harder it is now.

ohthegoats Fri 26-Jun-15 00:37:47

My inlaws were waiting in the living room when we got home from hospital. I was furious. Put baby in sling and covered her right up, before taking the two of us to bed. They still do things that are inappropriate now.

TiesThatBind Sat 27-Jun-15 08:06:17

DFIL came to hospital immediately after the birth (not ideal but he was actually trying to be sweet). DBIL came over the first night - we were came home at lunchtime - and got DH totally drunk (still angry about that).

My DF was great - visited loads and really supportive if not actually very useful. DM on the other hand barely visited in the first few months - she was really preoccupied with what was going on in her life, and I felt really lost without her.

This time hoping it will be better (36 weeks pregnant with DC2).

Molotov Sat 27-Jun-15 15:33:43

I had the opposite problem to you, OP, in that my extended family just didn't bother visiting after I had dd2 in 2012. Dd2 was born by ELCS and as I hadn't previously had one, I asked to be left alone for the first few days as I didn't know how I'd feel. They said okay, but we didn't have any cards, flowers, the usual stuff.

I actually felt fine after the birth and about one week later, invited them all over to our house (an aunt, four cousins and their children). No-one came: one cousin who I had been closest to promised to visit but let me down at the last minute 3 times over the subsequent weeks. She didn't meet dd2 until she was 12wo; it had to be at a cafe because I was so pissed off at her letting us down. My DM demanded that another cousin visit. She did, made lots of empty promises, then left.

We had been close before - my extended family are very arrogant, boastful, entitled people but they were my family. But this treatment sparked a lot of changes for me. I would have been assassinated if I'd treated any of them like this after the birth of a child of theirs. Then I came to realise that, actually, they are toxic people. As long as our relationships were on their terms, it would work. The minute I or another member of my immediate family shouts back, it's game over.

Everything came to an ugly head at the start of 2014 and I've been NC with them every since. I feel that the birth of dd2 and my showing hurt and disappointment was the spark that started the beginning of the end. Although I miss the feeling of a large family group, I don't miss them.

I hope it all works out for you thanks

FeelTheNoise Sun 28-Jun-15 13:31:33

Oh good grief, that sounds awful angry

I'm VERY worried about being inundated and overwhelmed by DPs family. They have absolutely no respect for my privacy as it is, and will just walk in uninvited angry I have also noticed that DPs parents really do not understand that as grandparents, they really do not have the rights over their grandchildren that they believe they do. DPs BIL has set some good boundaries, and gets slagged off for it constantly.

DPs mum cornered me the other week to ask about my birth plan. It was all going so well until I said that we won't be having visitors until I'm on the ward wink that means that they will not be invading my privacy while I'm still in the delivery room smile she said that they will want to meet the baby straight away, and I said that nobody is as keen to meet him and bond with him as I am.

I'm planning to set up camp in the bedroom, where people have to knock first and can be told to bugger off if needed, and I'll escape to my mums if I need to.

If DS1s birth is anything to go by, I'll be exhausted, in agony and breast feeding constantly for a few weeks. I'll be vulnerable and in need of privacy.

Good luck to all of us facing this! thanks

UpsideDownMama Sun 28-Jun-15 17:06:10

Thanks everyone! Reading everyone's comments has made me feel loads better!

Muddy - you're right. We had an incident this week with the in-laws that seems to have brought it all back

FeelTheNoise - they sound just like DPs family! Let us know how u get on. I've got my fingers crossed for u that they will be considerate and thoughtful for u! Good luck!

Dionysuss Sun 28-Jun-15 18:25:29

My mum gatecrashed the delivery room after dd2 was born. She wasn't a birthing partner, or even invited to visit. My sister text her to let her know I was in labour, so she decided to come to the hospital. She managed to get into labour ward, and opened several doors before finding us. She then phoned my sister and her DH to visit unknown to me. So they, thinking I had invited them, arrived and was let into the delivery room by her whilst I was still being stitched up.

Credit to my midwife who went apeshit at her. I was still quite drugged up and confused and DH was fuming. So much so infact we didn't tell anyone DS had arrived until 2 days after we were home. ( except for mil who was babysitting)

puddleduck27 Sun 28-Jun-15 20:12:52

I had dh's mum gatecrash when I was being induced. I was fuming. I told her to leave and she just sat in the tea room bit next door until the midwife told her to leave and didn't let her back in until we was ready. she also did the relentless visiting turning up late unannounced whenever she felt like it etc. I did put a stop to it but it wasn't pretty... grin

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