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Baby coming this week and I'm not excited

(21 Posts)
OrangesJuicyOranges Sun 11-Jan-15 03:21:34

Having a csection later this week. I've longer for a baby for years and my wonderful husband asked me last night why I was being so negative about it. I didn't realise I was but now I think, I am not excited.

I'm worried about the pain. I've had a really difficult and painful pregnancy and due to mobility issues ive been quite isolated for the last three months where I've been signed off work and mostly stuck in the house.

I'm now really worried I won't bond with baby, may get pnd and will disappoint my husband by not sharing his joy.

Is there anything I can do in three days to help?

Want2bSupermum Sun 11-Jan-15 03:45:30

Bless you. Your body is going to go through a roller coaster ride of emotions after you give birth. It is unsettling at how it affects your emotions. For this reason I would suggest you speak to your medical team. Not that you will have postnatal depression but I would say you are more at risk.

Want2bSupermum Sun 11-Jan-15 03:50:18

Btw had 2 CS and found them to be weird in that I was awake with my obn pulling out a baby from my body! Nothing hurts per se but after the lack of mobility post CS got to me. Best advice was to start walking ASAP and it did make a huge difference.

OrangesJuicyOranges Sun 11-Jan-15 03:55:17

Thank you. I have flagged general concern with health visitor just because my mum has severe depression. I've never had it myself.

I've been immobile for months and I initially thought that a few more weeks would be ok. Everyone around me is so EXCITED and I feel like the centre of this whirlwind but not excited. Lots of expectation on me to be excited. Really just feel that I need reassurance and looking after when I know that's my role now. I don't have a relationship with my own mum.

AngryBeaver Sun 11-Jan-15 03:59:05

Aww. It's a bit of a scary prospect though, isn't it?
When you think about it. Yes, you're have a baby. But it's an operation first.
Also, as you say, you've been isolated for weeks. That's got to be making you feel a bit low, too.
I can empathise on the mobility issues and the not very excited part.
I could barely move in the late stages of my 2 nd pregnancy. It was awful.
And with my fourth baby (7 months now smile ) there was lots and lots of concerns.
I didn't dare let myself believe that she was ok, and only the people that could physically see me, knew I was pregnant.
Everyone else got a shock!

I too, worried that due to my denial, I wouldn't bond, or I'd get pnd.
(My midwife was on high alert!)

The labour was traumatic...and eventful (I was air lifted!) but it all just kicked in as I held her.

Even if it DOESN'T though, don't worry!
I don't think enough is said about this. Sometimes it takes a wee while. That's fine too!

It took my husband a few months to bond. He was so traumatised by other things that had happened, I think he was actually in shock.

I'm sure that once you are handed your newborn, you will be as filled with ecstasy as your husband.
Or maybe when you get home and have time to take things in,
Or maybe the day after that.
Don't worry, you're going to be a fabulous mother smile

BramwellBrown Sun 11-Jan-15 04:08:24

I wasn't excited with my first, more terrified of the pain and how I was going to cope, I actually broke down in tears on my due date coz I'd changed my mind and didn't want to give birth. Once DS was put in my arms we bonded fine, my mum did have to put him on me though as I was too scared to pick him up.

There is no right way for you to feel and not being excited doesn't mean you won't bond or that you will have PND, your body has been through a lot and you're bound to be nervous. It might help to talk to your husband about how you are feeling and maybe talking through your worries with your midwife will ease them a bit and then you'll be more excited. Good luck.

Innocuoususername Sun 11-Jan-15 04:09:40

I felt the same in both pregnancies. I really focussed on the births, and worried about those. I'm also not a naturally effusive positive person!

But when DC1 arrived we did bond. I didn't get the instant rush of love, and don't worry if you don't either: it was a slow burn sort of thing until about 6 weeks when it suddenly hit me how much I love him smile.

Having a difficult pregnancy is hard to cope with, and you may be pleasantly surprised how much better you feel once you've given birth. Certainly after my ELCS with DC2 I felt back to my old pre-pregnancy self in terms of energy levels, mobility etc after about 4 weeks, despite having a newborn and toddler to deal with it was easier than being pregnant.

Please don't worry about pain, if you are having an ELCS there shouldn't be any! Just don't overdo it afterwards and you should be fine.

I agree with want2be that it's worth keeping an eye on how you are feeling and talking to your medical team. And as for what you can do in the next three days, I found it difficult to imagine having a baby but getting out the little baby grows helped. You could also focus on after the birth by reading up on stuff about caring for the baby (I really wish I'd spent less time worrying abut labour and more time reading up about breastfeeding, for example).

happylittlevegemites Sun 11-Jan-15 05:19:47

The baby won't know the difference if you're bonded and feel the love, or not. So don't worry about that, so long as it's clean and warm and fed. But it makes the early days much nicer for you if you do have a bond.

I was v unexcited about both my pregnancies. Why would I be pleased about a creature who so far had given me months of pain and sickness?? With dc1 I bonded in about 24 hours. With dc2 it took a few weeks, but I wasn't worried as I knew from experience it'd happen.

I think in some ways the early days are harder for the people who are really excited about meeting their bump and have bonded pre-bump.

With regards to the pain - keep up with the drugs. Sometimes you have to nag about this. But remember - they don't give out medals for bravery. Take the drugs smile

Roonerspism Sun 11-Jan-15 05:31:21

Bless you. It can be entirely normal to feel this way, especially after a difficult pregnancy. You are gearing up for a huge (and wonderful) life change. Could it be a defence mechanism in case you are worried you feel underwhelmed? (Which would also be normal).

I just had my first csection and did find the first 7 days recovery quite painful, just to let you know. Take the pain meds and remember it is only a few days then you will really pick up.

All the very best.

TurquoiseDress Sun 11-Jan-15 08:51:28

It's not entirely true that having an ELCS means having no pain!

Keep asking for pain relief, if you need it, don't let the pain build up until it's unmanageable.

Fingers crossed you'll require v little pain relief but it's worth knowing that CS can be v painful in the first few days.

Especially if pain relief is not forthcoming despite repeated requests to midwives!

Good luck OP!

OrangesJuicyOranges Sun 11-Jan-15 10:18:56

I'm 'happy' to be in some pain since I've been in pain for twenty weeks without having to have pain. I think it's the expectation that I will be deliriously happy that's weighing on me. I Imagine I will be tearful and uncomfortable and immobile with everyone around me questioning which I'm not full of joy. Your ideas and suggestions are helpful. Perhaps I'll see if I can get broody over her clothes. I don't like the idea that I may have to hound midwives for pain relief though.

OrangesJuicyOranges Sun 11-Jan-15 11:02:56

Stupid typo, sorry, should read 'without having painkillers.'

squizita Mon 12-Jan-15 12:19:55

I was EXACTLY like this.

I was even worried my worry would make labour worse thanks woo books.

Come the day it was all ok. Sure it really hurt and I was sewn up like frankenstein but after all the worry 1) I was pleasantly surprised rather than "omg you mean a hypnobirth CD didn't make it painless?!?" And 2) very happy to have baby on me not in me making me feel ill.

Innocuoususername Mon 12-Jan-15 13:59:39

OP FWIW I think in some ways your way of thinking is a good thing. IME women who expect a beautiful hypnobirth, to basically fart the baby out grin, bond immediately in a rush of love, breastfeed with no issues etc etc etc can often come down to earth with a bump when the reality of having a baby hits them. You've thought about the potential problems, and you're aware of your mental state and are keeping an eye on it. That's actually really positive.

Re pain, I didn't find I had to chase. I had a pain relieving suppository put in in theatre, then a shot of oramorph once I'd arrived on the post natal ward but before the spinal block had worn off. After that it was diclofenac and 2 paracetamol 3 or 4 times a day, they came round with the drugs on schedule. Other patients in my bay did have trouble getting more morphine after the initial shot though.

Good luck flowers

sunnyfrostyday Mon 12-Jan-15 14:19:36

I didn't feel excited before hand with either of mine. In fact, I was in complete denial - second time, my midwife made me write a birth plan when I was 36 weeks as I had no ideawho to take with me (was leaving squeamish dh with ds1). ds2 arrived 3 days later.grin

I think it was the unknown, not being in control etc. It's a funny feeling, knowing it's going to happen but not being able to get on with it.

good luck.

OrangesJuicyOranges Mon 12-Jan-15 17:04:29

Oh thank you, that's made me feel a bit better. I did get teary today talking about childcare so at least I'm human after all! You're right - it's odd waiting for it to come but not really being able to visualise what it might be like. I painted some walls in the house today and sorted some baby clothes. I feel reassured that some of you have said you felt in a similar way. I think I've worked out it's about not wanting to let anyone down. I remember the Sex and the City episodes where Miranda was pregnant and everyone was getting excited about her scan and she had to 'fake it.' I'm sure, once baby is here and it feels a bit more real, I'll be fine. But it doesn't hurt to realise it's not always fine, blissful etc.

Thank you all. Three more sleeps til c-day!

tobysmum77 Tue 13-Jan-15 06:32:01

op you feel what you feel. Don't get bogged down with 'expectations' because you have to accept your own reaction.

I've never had a cs but knowing exactly what's going to happen is scary.

And you've got through 3 months of spd-induced pain and isolation. You are strong wink

tobysmum77 Tue 13-Jan-15 06:32:52

also to me personally it didn't feel real until the baby had actually been born ifyswim?

sunnyfrostyday Thu 15-Jan-15 12:54:45

Just wishing you luck, Oranges! I hope that all goes well. smile

DIYandEatCake Fri 16-Jan-15 20:31:53

Good luck. I felt pretty much like you - though I had so much terror at the thought of surgery that I kind of forgot about the baby (it wasn't anywhere near as bad as I imagined btw). No matter what kind of birth you have, the early days are painful and exhausting and shocking and brutal. Everyone cries. I agree that it's good that you're thinking about the realities and are aware of your mental state. That's not to put a downer on things - I remember just staring at newborn dd in amazement and love for hours. Ive since gone on to have another dc and second time round it's much better as you know more what to expect. There are so many unknowns first time. Hope it all goes really well.

northernlurker Fri 16-Jan-15 20:37:23

I guess baby is here now? Hope you are doing ok and I agree with everyone else.

Exciting is one word that could describe becoming a mum - scary, awe inspiring, bewildering, sore, anxiety, protective, inspiring, confused, tired would be some more and all are equally relevant. Be gentle with yourself and let yourself get to know the baby. Let everybody else get on with how they feel and concentrate on yourself.

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