having father at birth...

[America1]

I have discovered my husband had a girlfriend right through my pregnancy and plans on living with her. I am due soon. I can not have him at birth but feel he needs to see his baby immediately after. The only way he could do this is if he visits hospital and one of my family members show him his baby on a one to one. The pain is just too much for me.

do you think this is fair?

[merlehaggard]

Personally, I think that in the circumstances, you should do what you want at the birth and with the baby. Regarding being at the hospital, I think he lost his rights when he cheated on you. Long term, I am very against mums who don't let the dads have contact and be part of their lives, because that is for the children and their interests should come first. Whether he is there immediately after the birth, is purely for him and I don't think he deserves for his rights to be considered over and above yours.

[Mehitabel6]

Very fair.

[pippinleaf]

That's so sad for you and your little one. What an asshole. What does he want? You may find he'd prefer not to see the child or has very definite feelings that he does. You can then factor his feelings into your decision. I'd personally not have him around at all as you don't need that emotional pressure. Once you're home from hospital maybe he could visit for an hour and a relative could be there in the room instead of you?

[lem73]

No not fair. Your needs come first as a happy mother makes a happy baby. If you're conscious that he'll be showing up at the hospital you'll feel stressed. Make sure the nursing staff know what you want. I do hope you have a good support network around you.

[Mehitabel6]

I think that I misread it- I thought OP was being very fair. Whether she should or not is a different matter.

[America1]

He never asks who we are and the communication has gone completely after he kicked in my back door this week as I refused him entry to our house. He xame with his father I was scared he'd take everything. He came for his clothes. Thats sorted now.
just dont get his behaviour hes treating melike Im the one who had the affair and that im nor ententitled to be extremely hurt and angry.
I think ill just wait and see how I feel after our baby is here

[Mehitabel6]

I should wait and see, I'm not convinced you need to be that fair on the day of the birth.
Obviously you will have to do the best for the child after that.

[lem73]

You must inform the police of that incident. You must have been terrified. If this is what he's like it is vital the hospital is aware and prepared in case he shows up at the hospital and starts kicking off. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Can you stay with family?

[Ledkr]

He kicked in your back door?
Well I'm sorry but I'd not allow this bullying aggressive cunt anywhere near my new born and my vulnerable self.
He can see the baby on your bloody terms at all tines!

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

You don't have to do anything if it makes you feel scared, vulnerable or miserable right after giving birth. If he has to wait a few days to see his child that's his consequence for cheating on and threatening the mother of his child.
I'm not advocating using contact as retaliation, just saying you should focus on yourself and your baby and that his behaviour has led to him being an unsafe person for you to be around at a very vulnerable time.

[America1]

Police came. Hes actually in the police! Very embarrassing.
I feel safe now locks are getting changed.
you are all right I am too soft!

[lem73]

Are you satisfied that the police dealt with it impartially? He should be embarrassed not you. I can't believe his father was with him. Imagine treating a pregnant woman like that.

[Ledkr]

Wow!! Dud he get disciplined at work? Dh is a copper and I hear many stories like this.
Yep, toughen up. You don't want this wanker ruining your birth experience any further.
Tell him that since his recent behaviour you have decided you do not want him at the hospital and will let him know your arrangements for contact.
As you will be the babies main attachment, you need to be as calm as can be during the first moments afterwards.
In sorry you are dealing with this love.
I was a single parent for years and I actually loved it, it's not all bad

[America1]

Well it was very well played down put it that way. They didnt know what to do and major covering up. But tbh I cant afford forhim.to lose his job. Iv lost the little respect I had for the police.
his dad was clearly out my garage and took my washing pole!

[America1]

I thought his inspector would have rang me....im left with a cracked door and no apology.

[AgathaF]

You need to let your midwife know that he is violent. He should not be having unsupervised access to your child. He should definitely not be allowed on to the maternity ward.

[Trapper]

Tell him you will contact him once you leave hospital and feel well enough. Set his expectation and tell him that this may be a couple of weeks or so after birth if there are complications. You do not need this extra hassle when you are in hospital so soon after birth and neither do the staff.
Although I suspect you will get a consistent response from both sexes, I would like to make it clear that I am male and have attended the birth of both of my children.

[America1]

Thanks trapper equally as nice to have a males opinion. Everyone is right. Iv completely lost all trust in him I wouldn't feel safe having in my house esp on my own. Maybe a public meeting with my support there would be an option in the future.

[TriciaMcM]

even without the violence, the person in delivery with you needs to be someone you trust 100% to be on your side. He broke your trust so don't give that a moments thought.

Re the breaking in- write out your recollection asap, including names of police who were present and get anyone else who was present then or in the aftermath to do the same. Sign & date them. Take photos of damage to the door & keep all this together with paperwork from locksmith. Not what you want to be worrying about right now I know, but in case there are issues down the line with access/custody it is better to have a record. Good luck, it's a shitty situation but soon you'll have a beautiful baby to distract you.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

You could contact social services and ask for their advice about getting access to a contact centre for him to have contact.

[WhyOWhyWouldYou]

I am very against mothers who keep their children away from dads, however, directly after the birth you shouldn't be feeling distressed about him visiting, as it will impact negatively on you and your newborn. For the first few days you are perfectly entitled to keep it just you and your baby.

With regards to contact arrangements, do you feel safe at the prospect of leaving your newborn in his care in light of his recent behaviour re the door? If not probably worth looking into using contact centres, so he can have access but supervised by someone impartial.

[WhyOWhyWouldYou]

Oh and I second logging the damage yourself too.

[America1]

Good idea logging incident. Im on it now...thanks everyone. Feeling a little better :)

[Gen35]

Good luck op, however he's behaving, he's the one who's been a scumbag, don't worry about him. So sorry you've had such a bad time, hope your little baby is a real bright spot and a sign of new and better times.

[America1]

Yes I do hope baby takes after me....scan today a healthy 6lb 9oz! Gonna be a big one!
locks changed phew feel safer. ...thanks for all the advice. I have collated all my evidence