Child birth humiliations(187 Posts)
Il start, after telling my midwife I needed to poop and her reassuring me that she'd checked and I was clear and it was a normal sensation. I did 1 il always remember that moment more than when DS was actually born. Worse still my dp had to clean me up. Soooooo cringe.
Midway through an incredibly long pushing stage I clamped my legs together and yelled at the MW that if she didn't give me some pain relief I wouldn't uncross my legs
good thing she did too as otherwise I'd have had to have a GA for the next bit
I also had to get my poor sweet DH to help me have a strip wash the day after as could barely stand. Besides the mess that was my nether regions I realised I had also missed a huge section when - ahem - I'd tried to tidy up down below whilst heavily pregnant. So I had an inordinately hairy patch. Which had been on show to world and his dog.
I had a suppository before my section but they did inform me - I think they do now give you a warning beforehand just in case you don't want to have it (though at that stage they could have stuck anything down there & I wouldn't have noticed).
My poo moment came the next morning when DH took me for a shower - having walked very slowly to the shower/loo cubicle, I collapsed onto the loo seat. I was so surprised (and relieved!) to do a (small) poo so easily after all the horror stories I'd heard, I announced very proudly to DH 'I've done a poo!'
It took a couple of days after we'd got home for him to say to me 'you don't have to keep updating me on the state of your bowels now, you know'...by then we were both obsessed with DD's bowels anyway so poo had kind of taken over our lives...
I think there is something wrong with me because I have no shame! But the bit that would have embarrassed a normal person was when I moved out of the pool into the birth couch, trying a new position to move things on. 'oooh.' I said. 'there is some liquid coming out'.
'don't worry about that and.don't look art it,' I was told. I could smell it though. They moved me off the shit covered birth couch pretty promptly. The problem was that a lot of it got on the floor and was still there post delivery when my visitors arrived!
please keep adding to this thread!
i work on a labour ward and this has made me laugh so much!
You know what- we,ve seen it all and we don't judge!
So I just found this made me roar with laughter - with you not at you, cos of how you see it!
I was a bit out of it on gas and air when the epidural man came. I had been induced so the contractions were pretty hideous. The anaesthetist was apparently a very quiet gentleman with a turban, and looked quite horrified when I was saying to everyone about my liking for 'taking it up the bum'. This was also news to my DH .
I wasn't going to not have an epidural with the twins because ds1 was back to back without drugs and it was awful.
So I progressed very quickly with twins-1 hr in and I was 9cm and shouting very very loudly that I needed the drugs with plenty of curses(already very painful-twin1 back to back too). The man who gave me the epidural said 'I hope you stop all this swearing now!'
Then I was on back in theatre (vaginal birth but in ot as twins are considered high risk) and told to give a big push-dh laughed and apparently waters had broken in consultants face!
Consultant then said 'we need to use these big spoons to turn dtwin so she's facing the right way' and I said 'I assume you mean forceps not actual spoons?' cue midwives laughing.
Then anti swearing anaethetist,when we told him dtwin 1's name, said 'but isn't that a tranvestites or showgirl name?'! I din't care-he'd taken the pain away!
Haha!! These are really funny! I am slightly put of having my baby though! xxx
Love these. I did poo during ds2's birth (thankyou to the midwife who mentioned it while I was trying to pretend it never happened) but thankfully no clean up operation required, just the incontinence pad on the bed replaced. I had a good old rant about the evilness of bounty which was inspired by a mumsnet thread I'd been reading. I'm sure I thought I was talking perfect sense .
I vividly remember actually stroking my cat -or clearly just thin air as the cat was at home as I was in hospital and saying ollie (the cat) is here too. I remember it now like a drunken night that slowly keeps coming into focus. I blame the gas and air
I remember announcing that I needed a poo, but was all strapped up to monitors so had no idea what I was supposed to do and I was mortified because I couldn't poo on DH because he was lovely!
MW looks at me and says "perhaps you're more advanced than we realised". So has a quick check and realises DD is indeed about to appear at speed.
However, I did have a poo first, I knew it, MW cleaned it up and DH didn't even notice. I told him about it days later.
Hoping for a home birth this time with a pool (currently 39+5), he's already carefully selected the sieve he's going to be using to catch any floaters.
Oh my god!!! Laughed so hard I've pee'd!
I know that I did a tiny poop cos I heard it! Actually I don't think it was that tiny
I pooed both times. With dc1 I arrived at hospital shrieking "I'm going to shit myself!" and I did, a huge one according to dh. In my defence ds arrived only 30 minutes after I got to hospital so I was way beyond the stage of being able to do anything about it.
My (green) waters rather dramatically burst all over the room including over oh an the midwife. Through my gas and air haze I thought this was hilarious but am told it was like something from The Exorcist, especially when the spewing started.
A midwife also quite hilariously insulted my nipples in front of oh, sil and my friend when I was trying to breastfeed. Flat indeed!
Feet in the stirrups, Ventouse extraction with a whole army of students watching (twas St mary;'s teaching hospital in Paddiongton)DH told them he would be charging for tickets as he sat faintly at the "head end" while they all gawped at the business end. My DS came out with a papal cap on his head from the ventouse (well i am RC!)
Nothing can humiliate me any more than those sitrrups.
I pooed quite amazingly with DS. In the pool (DH can't go near a sieve now), on the sofa (fortunately covered in plastic sheets), in the ambulance, in theatre...finally stopped once they put a spinal in as I just couldn't stop pushing forcefully (DS turned out to be rather a large chap, no wonder my body was desperately trying to force him out!)
Then I turned down the voltarol suppository (even at that stage I didn't want anyone putting something up my bum, thanks very much) - and in recovery the lovely MW took a sniff and told me I must have opened my bowels (I had). She cleaned me up, 10 minutes later the same thing happened again.
Back on the ward, DH goes home for some sleep, the bed next to mine becomes surrounded by visitors despite the 2-to-a-bed policy and once again, I shat myself. The lovely HCA did a grand job of getting me cleaned up and changed with some dignity intact, God knows how with next door's hundred visitors knocking into the curtain every few fucking seconds, leaving me terrified that they were going to pull the fucking thing down to expose me and my poo covered bed to the rest of the bloody ward in the middle of visiting hours
Gave birth suddenly in my bedroom, no time for midwife. My DSis had visited bringing her new BF (now DH) who happened to be a Consultant. They rushed upstairs and he delivered DS.
First time I had met him, I cringed for ages after that and couldnt look at him in the eye.
Me - fully dilated on all fours mid-contraction
The midwife - pointing my bum hole out to dh, 'now we know the baby is about to come out as the anus is dilating'
Dh - pondering this whilst watching and nodding.
I have never felt more like an animal.
OMG strawberry horror!!!
I am 39 weeks and wondering if I could beg for an ELCS on basis that I am now filled with the horror of pooing myself. Arrggghhhh!!!
Virtuallly all of the above! Shat myself continuously, to the deep joy of my sis who was there as well as DP. Went from saying "maybe half a paracetomol" when asked if I wanted pain relief, to screaming for epidural within three hours (in my defence it was a back to back induced labour and it did smart a bit...). When epiduarlist FINALLY arrived...made me assume the position... unwrapped the needles and things.. . then got beeped to an emergency CS and left me. I like to think I am the sort of person who would nobly say "no, go, her need is greater than mine". What actually happened was that I burst into tears (even more than I already was) and shouted " leave her, do ME!!" Not y finest hour, really. Oh, and threw up an entire banana into a sickhat held by my sick-phobic DP but that's not a shame, just an admiring aside about his stoic reaction.
oh god the one we always laugh about is when the midwife asked dp to take a peek at the buissness end as ds was making his appearance. Dp returned to my end of the bed white faced and blubbing. i was hanging over the bed shouting water water, he so stunned at what hed just seen picked up the bottle and drank it himself leaving me gasping and furious and the midwife almost on her knees laughing. silly man .
Requested an epidural
after trying to tough it out. I worked in the hospital so I knew the anaethetist's assistant but instead of saying to him 'hey, you're so and so do you remember me? I'm Lemons, worked with you last year' I yelled at him 'I fucking know you!'
Poor guy must have thought I was a right wierdo.
I didn't poo but my Dsis's told me about a conversation she had had with her DP about how people poo in labour and apparently he was fascinated by it.
Apparently I yelled at him 'I didn't poo!' in recovery very loudly
This thread has made me laugh so hard I nearly popped one of my piles. One week on from a fairly traumatic labour and I am now feeling relieved at what I got away with. The involuntary farting (and a bit if follow through in the ward post labour and the farting in the faces of 4 Dr's and a midwife whilst they shouted push at me seems positively tame in comparison. Laughter is indeed the best medicine.
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