Really missing the hospital

[Ferret123]

Hi everyone,

I hope some of you can give me hope that I'll feel a bit better soon! I had my daughter (my second baby) a week ago, and I've basically cried on and off since then. Don't get me wrong, I'm over the moon with her and you'd think that I'd be able to cope better having been through it all before. I'm finding it a bit overwhelming, having two, and don't know how I'm going to cope with the practicalities...I also feel very guilty because my first daughter isn't getting as much attention. But one of the main reasons I feel so sad and down is going to sound potty...

I really miss the labour and being in hospital, I know that sounds ridiculous. My first experience of labour was really difficult, but this time round it was much quicker, not as painful and actually quite enjoyable. I just feel a bit like it all went too quickly, and I really miss it. Does anyone else feel like this or am I going bonkers?

Thanks in advance x

[Gusthetheatrecat]

Oh you poor, poor thing. I know it doesn't make you feel any better, but it is very, VERY normal to be weepy after birth. Apparently day 4 is renowned for being bad ( I remember weeping helplessly for what felt like hours) but in general it is all so overwhelming after you've had a baby: you're no longer pregnant, your hormones are all over the place, you're getting to know a whole new person, as well as struggling with the changes to your family. Never mind sleep deprivation and whether you are trying to breastfeed, and worrying about future family dynamics. (Incidentally, I had my second just over two years ago, and when I look at the two of them playing together now, how much they love each other, and how much fun they have together, I could laugh out loud to think how much I worried about the effect that the youngest's arrival would have on the oldest.)

Please be kind to yourself. It is FAB that you had such a good second labour. I bet you feel really proud of yourself, and it's not surprising that you're hanging onto that as something that was concrete, and defined, and successful (as opposed to looking after a newborn, which is tiring, and confusing, and neverending). I remember feeling a bit sad as each day slipped past after birth, as I felt less like a celebrity who had survived something amazing, and more like a frazzled milk machine.

Is your partner supporting you? Does he know how you feel? Is he on paternity leave? Tell him how you feel, and let him support you.
And keep an eye on how you're feeling, and if it continues then do talk to your health visitor, or your GP.

Take care.

[cheesymonster]

Hi

I had my DD1 in the early hours of Tuesday morning.

Labour ended in a ventouse delivery after 2 hours of pushing and she'd swallowed meconium so we had to stay in hospital for observation.

I spent all day thursday and friday crying despite an incredibly supportive DH and family. I am finding everything hard and overwhelming. I wanted to breast feed but found it difficult to get her latched on - even the midwives found it difficult after grappling with me for up to an hour each time. I have since been told she has a bad tongue tie which may be the reason. I am feeling better slowly but have moments of panic and I feel like I don't know what I'm doing.

I hope you are feeling better OP ?

[SquidgersMummy]

Hi Ferret - I was wondering how you were doing. I have one dd - 10 wks - I too sort of really enjoyed labour - hence I still peek at the childbirth board - is that sad! - have absolutely no idea whatsoever have people manage a new baby with a toddler - no wonder you've felt overwhelmed - hope you're feeling a bit better a few days in.

X

[QTPie]

God no - perfectly normal! Or at least I felt exactly the same!

I only have one child (and he was ELCS), but hospital felt so warm and protective - I cried when I left! I felt overwhelmed and uncomfident... Took me a good few weeks to feel confident, but it did come :)

[StrangerintheNight]

Yes, I felt just like you. Once you're at home with the baby it's just not as 'special'. We'd also decided DC2 would be our last, so was particularly mournful that it was all going by too quickly.

[Ferret123]

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for your kind words, support and advice, it really means a lot. Sorry it's taken me a while to reply, I don't have much time to myself at the moment!

I have good days and bad days really, so I unfortunately can't say the feeling has passed...I still feel the same as I did a week or so ago, grappling with the guilt I feel about my first baby, and feeling sad that the pregnancy and labour are over. I think it's made worse by the fact that my husband is going back to work tomorrow. Luckily he's got three weeks of working three days, so he'll be at home for two days a week and my mum is going to come over for the other three days. So I'm not alone and I am getting support from my family. They've been brilliant, but my biggest fear is that I just don't know how to cope, practically speaking. By that I mean when it's just me and both babies are crying, I'm not sure what to do. My newborn is so clingy, she never wants to be put down. And I feel so bad for my toddler, she doesn't understand what's going on really.

As ever it's feeding issues too that are proving a pain. The baby wants to breastfeed constantly, although sometimes she can't latch on and gets so angry and frustrated that we give her a bottle (I realise some will say that it's nipple confusion but I honestly don't think it's that as a lot of the time she'll latch on happily with no fuss).. I'm torn between wanting to breastfeed, or bottle feeding her so that we don't have to go through all the stress when she won't latch on. I'm not used to it I suppose, but I find it impossible to do anything else when she's breastfeeding and I do feel as though I need to consider my toddler's needs too. At least with a bottle she would take it and then settle down, rather than latching on for 15 mins then having a rest, then carrying on...she would nurse for 4 hours if she could, I'm sure, and whereas if I were a first time mum I'd probably like that, now I have my toddler to consider too (she's not big enough to come and sit quietly with me with a book or anything like that).

Sorry to go on, and thanks for all your help

Xx

[cheesymonster]

I feel panicky when I'm on my own with my DD too ferret. I hope you have been ok today with your DH at work.

I did feel much better, though, and more in control, once I'd made the decision to switch to bottle feeding.

[Ferret123]

Hi cheesymonster...

I'm beginning to feel that might be the way forward for me too...I shall try to express a lot. Trouble is she wants to breastfeed so I feel awful trying to stop that! More guilt!

How did you switch?

[cheesymonster]

I switched on day 4. My health visitor/midwife was coming every day as I'd not been able to get her latched on in hospital (I was later told due to a bad tongue tie) so we were giving her formula to top her up. I was pressurising myself to bf but even the midwives struggled to latch. She would scream with frustration and I'd sob! I was so scared she had got hardly anything from me, feeling like I wasn't providing for her etc but she was weighed yesterday and has gained weight. I too feel guilty that I stopped but she was picking up on my stress as well and at least now she's feeding! When I told the midwife I'd made my decision it was a relief.

You will make the right decision. She's lucky to have such a caring mum

[QTPie]

Ferret

When is she screaming? Is it often in the evening? Is it after she has been feeding for a while?

QT

[QTPie]

Is she desperate to go onto the breast, tried to feed, then screams coming off. Then wants to go back on. Screams coming off again and repeat?

[Ferret123]

QT, often in the night she won't latch on and will go bright red in the face, thumping my chest with her little fists and getting really frustrated. I usually try for at least 40 mins for an hour to get her to latch on but I'm worried she's screaming so much her throat is red raw, it's that kind of sound.

During the day she'll usually latch on more easily, but she will either feed for ten mins and drop off, feed for a couple of mins and drop off, or do as you said, latch on, come off, latch on, come off, get frustrated... I'm trying my hardest but my poor older daughter, who is being so brilliant, is getting next to no time. I don't mean just playing but also I am struggling to find time to do practical things for her like give her breakfast while I'm constantly having to carry my newborn around (she's not going without though, I managed it this morning. I need more arms and hands!)

[Ferret123]

Thanks cheesy monster :) it sounds like you're doing a fantastic job. It's great that you're more relaxed as that will hopefully mean a calmer baby! I sympathise with you as I went through it all with my first. Feeding can be so tricky!

[QTPie]

Hi Ferret

Two things - before you give up on breastfeeding (breastfeeding isn't for everyone).

One thing that a number of people with "latch issues", in my group, found VERY helpful was "Cranial Osteopathy". It is incredibly gentle (you cannot even see it) manipulation of the skull plates. Sometimes during birth (especially breech births or assisted births - you had the latter), the cranial plates can become misaligned and place pressure on the brain. This isn't harmful, BUT can produce problems with latch/feeding and even give the appearance of an unsettled/colicy baby. A Cranial Osteopath will help realign the plates, take the pressure off of the baby's brain and make feeding and sleeping easier. It may take a session or two. A number of our group had it done and found it very benefitial. We had it done because DS was breech and would definitely have every baby checked out by a Cranial Osteopath. Expect an initial consultation to cost around £45. But, if it helps, it is worth it!

Secondly - despite Cranial Osteopathy - I had exactly the same thing that you describe at about 3 weeks old (the first two weeks DS had jaundice and slept large amounts, so didn't have the problem). After a few nights of screaming (and going on and off the breast - wanting to feed, but putting off) and ruling out wind, we realised that DS was "over tired". He was using the breast to try to fall asleep, but it wasn't working. He would go on to suckle himself to sleep (so desperate for the boob), but then pulled off because he was both not hungry and very tired. However he couldn't just fall asleep. It was nothing to do with latch, just over tiredness. We solved it by establishing a bedtime routine to help him wind down. When he woke up in the evening (about 7pm) - normally screaming for food - we gave him a very quick bath (still screaming), a very quick massage (still screaming), a "last breastfeed", then we persisted in settling him in the cot (took a bit of work, especially the first couple of nights!). This worked REALLY REALLY well! Ok, took him a couple of weeks to stop screaming at his bath, but it gave him those all important "goodnight time to sleep" cues. Need to be persistent, though...

So, firstly, recommend that you go see a Cranial Osteopath (nothign to loose...) and, secondly, get a bedtime routine in place (not necesarily timed, just go through the motions of "bath, massage, feed, bed", then get her settled in bed (the real hardwork bit... rosking, sushing, whatever). She wont like it to begin with, but...

Goodluck. Hope that you sort things out so you can carry on breastfeeding: it is great if you can get it to work. Your eldest WILL settle with time: it is a HUGE change and only natural that things will be difficult (for you as well as her).

QT

[Ferret123]

Thanks QT, all good advice. My older daughter had cranial osteopathy and it certainly seemed to help her, so we may well give it a go.

My older daughter has been fantastic, it's more that I'm concerned about how I'm going to do the practical things, i.e. bath my first daughter and get her to bed while my newborn is screaming for a feed. I definitely need more arms and legs!
1944girl, my mum has said when she had me she stayed on for ten days and that was par for the course then. That would've been great!

Thanks