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Things you did in childbirth...

(120 Posts)
GeneralDisarray Sat 01-Oct-11 18:30:09

That you're a little blush about now...
like shout 'GET YOUR EFFING FINGERS OUT OF ME NOW' at the lovely doc examing me..

Come on ease my embarrasment by telling me your worst...

Syd35 Sat 01-Oct-11 18:45:16

When I was having contractions I ran around the room in what my DH describes as doing the funky chicken and he could not stop taking the piss out of me, much to my annoyance at the time grin

ginmakesitallok Sat 01-Oct-11 18:46:54

telling the mws to "make me bonny" when they were stitching me...

thelennox Sat 01-Oct-11 18:50:54

I bit my husband 3rd time round. blush

thelennox Sat 01-Oct-11 18:51:55

And told consultant who probably saved baby's life that he was my little brother and not allowed any where near me

SouthernandCross Sat 01-Oct-11 18:54:47

I went into transition unexpectedly, while still high on pethidine, and insisted that DH go and ask his mother to come in while DD1 was being born...

cantpooinpeace Sat 01-Oct-11 19:04:38

Told them to stitch me up properly so that I didn't look like a ripped bus seat!!! <still on gas and air at this point>

mumatron Sat 01-Oct-11 19:09:38

southern did she come in?

I had to have a canula inserted while in labour with ds, I have dodgey veins and need an anaesthetist to put one in.

I kept telling the mw and xp in a comedy whisper that he couldn't do it as he was one of the muppets <cringe>

LynetteScavo Sat 01-Oct-11 19:15:20

Asked the consultant what he meant by "pont". English wasn't his first language and he meant pant. He kindly gave me a demonstration. blush

With DS2 the anesthetist told me he couldn't give me an epidural as I couldn't keep still long enough, and made to leave the room. I screamed "DONT YOU GO ANYWHERE!" He hung around for about 15 minutes, then said "I'll just be outside." I never did get an epidural.

With DD I asked DH to open a window. He opened all the windows. I hissed "God you are always so diligent when I'm in labour." Poor bloke.

SjuperWolef Sat 01-Oct-11 19:16:34

the doc who did my stitches was called a bitch, fucking bitch repeatedly in what i thought were hushed tones - turns out everybody within a miles radius could've heard me blush no wonder they fecking hurt!

SouthernandCross Sat 01-Oct-11 19:17:08

Yes, Mumatron. Yes, she did. blush

LynetteScavo Sat 01-Oct-11 19:17:20

After DS1 was born, the midwife was trying to encourage him to breath by tapping his feet. When DS started crying I had a bit of a go at the midwife for upsetting him.hmm blush

SquongebobSparepants Sat 01-Oct-11 19:19:49

When the midwife told me not to pusha s there was no way I was ready, and I pushed, and burst my waters with a very audible bang and visible evidence she said 'Ooh, your waters have broken'
To which I replied 'No fucking SHIT sherlock'

EauRouge Sat 01-Oct-11 19:23:31

I told the MW who tried to sonicaid me in the middle of a contraction to fuck off. I can't stand being touched when I'm having a contraction.

I am much more sociable when being stitched up, particularly if the MWs are being generous with the G&A.

With DD1, the registrar was called because the MW didn't fancy attempting any sewing that day. The registrar looked over to the MW and said "where do you think this bit goes?" shock Completely unfazed, I pointed to DH and said "ask him, he's seen it". I also requested that the registrar counted the stitches "so I could tell my mates in the pub". Ten minutes later she was still stitching so I asked if she was writing her name blush grin

I've got no idea what I said to the MW who stitched me up after DD2, I was completely off my tits on G&A. I do remember her telling me off for still breathing it in even after she had finished the stitches grin Man, I love that stuff.

beararse Sat 01-Oct-11 19:23:36

Um, one labour but there were a few, have told these before ...

Announced to DH that there was an ood in the airing cupboard and could he please remove it forthwith. I think an ood is a monster from Doctor Who!

Decided gas wasn't enough so opted for diamorphine. The jag hurt so much I shouted "What the fucking jesus fuck?!" at the poor midwife. blush

Demanded more water from DH then when he produced it mid-contraction got hugely irate and told him under no circumstances did I want anything ever during a contraction, thereby allowing him ten second windows to work out what I wanted and do it.

Yelled at the midwife "Leave me alone, that's the bit that makes it feel nice!" as she examined my torn fanjo blush blush blush

SjuperWolef Sat 01-Oct-11 19:27:16

"Leave me alone, that's the bit that makes it feel nice!"

im almost crying and may well break my waters laughing at that grin

LynetteScavo Sat 01-Oct-11 19:39:03

SquongebobSparepants When my waters broke I shouted "My waters have broken!". My DH just said "No shit" grin

TotallyKerplunked Sat 01-Oct-11 20:36:10

Puffing away on the g&a I couldn't open my eyes as the room was moving, thats my excuse for leaning over and grabbing my DH around the throat, he was scratched and bruised but didn't dare move my hands, I must be very scary.

I also took a dislike to the obstetrician who put a clip on DS head which effing hurt, and keep yelling that he really hurt me and the MW should make him leave, he was standing right there, DH kept apologising to him.

GeneralDisarray Sat 01-Oct-11 20:43:33

these are brilliant!! particularly love the ood and you are so fucking diligent..

chocolateyclur Sat 01-Oct-11 20:47:02

Midwife, around 40 hours into long labour: would you mind if I did a vaginal exam?

Me: every other fucker here has fisted me tonight, so why not?

KenDoddsDadsDog Sat 01-Oct-11 20:47:59

On gas and air and a birthing ball, I made DH ring my best friend, to ask the name of a girl that lived in our street when we were little. Then told the midwife about how happy I was that I knew the answer.

GeeinItLaldy Sat 01-Oct-11 20:51:25

ROAR at chocolateyclur

I dread to think what I will be like in labour (if I ever actually manage to get up the duff).

strawberrie Sat 01-Oct-11 21:00:19

I do remember snarling "I don't LIKE this bit", in the manner of a petulant 3 year old, just as I went into transition. I was even thinking at the time "I am being such a fucking cliche" but I couldn't help myself!

Pudding2be Sat 01-Oct-11 21:02:25

After being induced and on the god awful drip for hours I couldn't take anymore. The first epidural didnt work, and the anaesthetist didn't come back for over an hour.

When he finally came back, I turned to him and snapped "where the hell have you been" blush.

In my defence, the gas and air stopped working, pethedine never touched the sides and that drip is the work of the devil grin

mummynoseynora Sat 01-Oct-11 21:04:02

I am actually crying with laughter at these grin

ok - in labour with DC1 .... was sat on a rocking chair after they broke my waters, gulping at the G&A .... singing along with my mp3 list (probably full blast blush) Laughing and telling DH 'this is why I have never done drugs! cackle cackle.... I get off my tits on THIS!' grin blush

The midwife came in at one point and commented on how she liked checking on me as my music was so upbeat... I regailed her I'm sure with how long I spent on maternity leave making sure it was ace! in reality I am guessing she wet herself at my singing every time

with DC2....
I can't think of much , I was much calmer - didn't use g&a much, except when I had to be on the bed, the position made it much more painful... at one point I was pushing and didn't even realise

they showed DH how to get me to 'breath through' the contraction making it physically impossible to push my arse, I managed with an epidural and DH 'reminding' me to breath and not push... my response 'I AM FUCKUING BREAATHING!!! Or can't you see?!?!?!' blush I should point out I had been in labour for DAYS and my DH had been a star throughout both births... ooops!

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