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Is it normal for my mum to expect to be present for my ELCS?

(23 Posts)
Sunshinecurl Tue 16-Aug-11 09:46:38

Turns out that she assumed that she would be there (along with my DP) as a given. I hadn't thought for one second of inviting anyone apart from my DP, nor do I want anyone else to be there. Am I being the odd one here or is she?

kittensliveupstairs Tue 16-Aug-11 09:48:30

FWIW, I think it's somewhat odd. I understand that she is excited about the forthcoming baby, but to my mind it is definitely odd.
How much longer do you have before you deliver?

ChristinedePizan Tue 16-Aug-11 09:50:53

Oh yes I think that's odd. Isn't it up to you who is at your birth?

Sunshinecurl Tue 16-Aug-11 09:52:45

Thank you! I was starting to think that perhaps I was being really unreasonable and ungrateful. I have 4 weeks left...

DecapitatedLegoman Tue 16-Aug-11 09:54:25

It depends if you have that sort of relationship with her. It doesn't sound like you do ...

Georgimama Tue 16-Aug-11 09:55:39

I don't think you're allowed more than one birth partner at an ELCS. You aren't at my hospital.

Sunshinecurl Tue 16-Aug-11 09:56:54

Good point...I think if I was on my own then things would be very different but to my mind a CS is a surgical procedure, not a family event for anyone other than the baby's parents (and of course the medical staff).

ChristinedePizan Tue 16-Aug-11 09:56:55

Good point Georgie - had forgotten that. You most definitely weren't at my hospital either - they really don't want any extra people in a room when they are essentially doing an operation.

My entire family were waiting outside though so she can do that.

Tonksforthememories Tue 16-Aug-11 09:57:16

You're not allowed more than one at my local hospitals either.

stripeywoollenhat Tue 16-Aug-11 10:00:13

Very odd expectation. And I love my mum, but I wouldn't even want her waiting outside, really: that first while after birth is for you and your dp to meet your baby, to my mind, not for him/her to be handed around the extended family.

SaulGood Tue 16-Aug-11 10:00:40

It's an operation like any other. They will allow ONE person in and nobody else. That's if it's NHS of course. You may be abroad/going private.

My Mum desperately wanted to be there when I had dd (ended up as an emcs anyway) and has hinted about being there this time. Sadly, she's the last person I'd want in the room. She'd tut and accuse me of making a fuss if I didn't breathe the baby out soundlessly and without effort. My aunt has offered to doula. She a senior midwife and absolutely brilliant and we get on fabulously. I WISH I could have her there but my Mum would be gutted. Families, eh?

stripeywoollenhat Tue 16-Aug-11 10:04:19

that's rubbish, saul. your mum wouldn't understand it as using an available expertise? shame.

ChippingIn Tue 16-Aug-11 10:05:37

It's odd (well, oddish - I expect many Mums would want to be there, but most of them would have the sense to know that you probably wouldn't want them there!! (Except for the odd one or two who would be happy with it.)).

Boundaries - you might need to start establishing some! smile NOW!

Saul - that's a real shame isn't it. However, if having your Aunt there is going to make you feel better/safer/calmer then frankly you should just do it and let your Mum have her sulk (easier said than done I know!! Mine would be the same.) you have to do what's best for you and the baby.

Georgimama Tue 16-Aug-11 10:10:08

TBF to OP's mum I don't think it is actually odd of her to want to be there, she probably feels (having done it) that childbirth is a big deal and wants to literally hold her little girl's hand. My mum was my birth partner for DS but for DD's ELCS DH managed to grow a pair and as it was one birth partner only, he won.

If the OP's mother starts suggesting she should be birth partner instead of DH, then she is totally out of order. But wanting to be there isn't odd to me.

SaulGood Tue 16-Aug-11 10:11:30

I love my Mum and don't want to hurt her. Her baby sister being allowed to attend an event that I categorically wouldn't let her within 10 miles of would wound her terribly. She had 'easy' labours and is very critical of anybody who complains that it smarts a bit. She did ask dh if I 'made a silly fuss' last time and commented that she hoped not. She just doesn't get that not all labours are like hers were.

God I'd love to have my aunt there. I'm terrified and she'd help enormously. But I seriously can't do that to my Mum.

Sunshine they won't let her be there unless your DP/DH isn't there, you can only have 1 person in the room. It's major surgery!
Saul I agree with Chipping - if your aunt will be 100 times more use then have your aunt in there with you. Your mum will get over it, surely if you explain it to her rationally she'll understand? (FWIW, my mum keeps insisting that she's there and staying for three weeks after the birth. I have very firmly said no fucking way is that happening and if I want her I'll ring her. She only lives an hour away!)

Eglu Tue 16-Aug-11 10:27:00

I do wonder how many of these mothers who insist on attending had their own mothers at their births.

Georgimama Tue 16-Aug-11 10:33:42

Perhaps they didn't but would have liked them?

KellyKettle Tue 16-Aug-11 11:56:49

My mum has talked forever about attending my births. With DD she turned up at the hospital when I was in labour (having driven 70 miles) to bring sandwiches for DH. I asked that she not be allowed on the labour ward (she had seen me in early labour the day before and kept touching my stomach when I had a contraction and shouting "Oh its going hard" which was just too much for me.

After DD was born she was the first person to see her after DH (she'd stayed in a hotel). DH had gone home to sleep, I'd had an epidural and couldn't move and felt so ill - that was when I needed her. She arrived on the ward, didn't even glance at DD and said "Can I just tell you how disappointed and hurt I am that you didn't want me with you yesterday. I wasn't interested in seeing the baby arrive, I wanted to be there to help you". I was unbelievably crushed.

I think it stems from her giving birth to me alone. The hospital wouldn't allow anyone else in with her and she was frightened. I reminded her that I had DH and so wasn't alone but she said "yes but when you're in pain you want your mum". I didn't. Expecting DC2 in a couple of months and she's started requesting to be at this birth.

My Dsis also wanted to birth with just her partner. She was in a lot of pain and her DH was terrified. She fell asleep when she had an epidural and woke up to find mum at her bedside. BIL had called her when Dsis fell asleep because he was so frightened of the pain she was in. DM was thrilled, stayed throughout the rest of labour and pushing stage and cut the baby's cord.

Two years on and Dsis is still bothered by it all.

iloveholidays Tue 16-Aug-11 12:17:42

This is most definitely personal preference and your mum should respect your decision.

Personally I think I'm in the minority who wanted my mum with me... she was at the birth of DD1 (normal delivery) and she was a great help. I had a EMCS with DD2 (for breech - laboured early). She came to the hospital but wasn't allowed in theatre, but waited in the recovery room and it was lovely to see her afterwards.

Whatever delivery... you need people there who will make good birthing partners... for me that was people who would keep me calm... no question this is DP and my mum. I was also thinking that if the labour was long then I realised DP might need a break and I wouldn't want to be on my own. Luckily for me both my births were very quick in hospital so was never an issue.

Best of luck - enjoy your experience!

AngryGnome Tue 16-Aug-11 12:54:03

It doesn't really matter what is "normal" - only what feels right for you. I can understand why a mother would want to be there (although personally I wouldn't have wanted my mum with me, she is not exactly the calmest person in medical situations!)

If you are having a CS, you will only be allowed one birthing partner, and it is up to you who it is. If your mum is offended that you choose your DP over her, I think it is likely she will get over it pretty quickly when you give her her grandchild to hold for the first time smile.

It's worth remembering that labour can be slowed down if you are stressed, and so you need to do everything you can to make sure you are comfortable. Also, your mum might find it harder than she thinks to see you undergoing an operation (DH tells me it is fairly grim to observe!)

This is about you and your child, and so this is one of the only times when you can afford to be selfish! Good luck!

BlueKangaroo22 Tue 16-Aug-11 14:35:55

Tell her no. Simple as, it is a precious moment that only you and your DP should share IMO.

QTPie Tue 16-Aug-11 14:48:37

As far as I know, only one birthing partner for a CS (even private).

This thread amuses me because my mum didn't even want to visit the day of my ELCS.... She has had quite a few ops in her life (but not a CS) and has suffered roughly with all of them, I am guessing that she didn't want to see the immediate aftermath.... Silly because I was in great shape and bouncing off the Walls with happiness - the inlaws visited twice that first day (and were welcome).

Just thank your Mum for her enthusiasm, but say that your partner will call when the baby arrives (explain only one birth partner is allowed and that will be your partner).

Enjoy your ELCS - mine was fab.

QT

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