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Don't want sex after having baby

(13 Posts)
Almondgranola Thu 28-Jul-11 19:25:08

Hello. I had my first baby 6 months ago, and i am not remotely interested in sex with my husband (or anyone else for that matter). He was pretty good about it, up until about 4 months. But now he's just pissed off, and reckons that I don't fancy him anymore. Although he can be very annoying and useless, I still find him attractive. I'm just exhausted. We're not even sharing a bed anymore, as he went off to sleep in the spare room soon after the baby came home as he was worried about rolling over onto her during the night. She is now in her cot and only wakes up once during the night, but my husband still won't come back to our bed. The couple of times he has, he tried to initiate sex far too quickly for my liking and I just couldn't go through with it. Sound terrible, but I feel like I'm being molested. So he just leaves and goes back to the spare room. We used to be like rabbits, so I can understand his confusion and frustration. I'm still breastfeeding, and I've read somewhere that it reduces one's libido. I plan to bf for a good few months more (along with gradual weaning), so I'm wondering how to deal with my husband. He's a bit of an 'all or nothing' man, particularly when under pressure. So he doesn't really get it when I say that I just want a cuddle, and that he needs to take it really slowly and I'll get there eventually, rather than wham bam thank you mam, if you know what i mean. I'm really worried, because as much as I love him, the idea of having sex with him leaves me cold. Truly, I'd rather have a cup of tea and a nice sit down on the sofa. I'd really appreciate any ideas of how to get my mojo back.

mrsravelstein Thu 28-Jul-11 19:32:01

i feel your pain. had no sex drive AT ALL after birth of each of my 3dc, and it didn't come back even slightly until i stopped breastfeeding (which was at 14 months in the case of dc2 and 3). dc3 is now 18 months old and not even close to sleeping through the night so i am blimmin exhausted pretty much all the time.... thus still have little to no sex drive.

i think it's really hard for men to understand, and not to feel rejected unfortunately, so i pretty much just force myself to do it, knowing that it will one day be a bit more of a pleasure again.

sunndydays Thu 28-Jul-11 19:43:41

It is soo hard, what I have done is told myself that I am going to have sex with dp twice a week. I started this a couple of weeks ago and it is really helping (I know it sounds silly!) but I feel the more I do it the more I want it and dp really appreciates it, it also gets back the closeness you can lose when you have been lost in nappies for a few months.

But this is just me and what I have done. I would never advise you to do something you don't want to

Almondgranola Thu 28-Jul-11 20:13:04

Thanks for replying ladies. I have read that doing it makes you want to do it. I do want to give it try, more out of sympathy than actually hornyness, but I just don't have the energy. And i think, wait a minute- I've been running around with the baby all day, feeding, changing, worrying, along with keeping the house in some sort of civilised condition, and now you expect me to have sex? mrsravelstein do you think your hubby notices that you're forcing yourself into it? Sadly, i don't think mine would notice. Or if he did, it would be halfway through, and then we'd have to stop, and probably both feel 10 times worse. God this is a nightmare.

Zimbah Thu 28-Jul-11 20:20:39

I think having sex can make you want to have more sex in the right circumstances, but to be honest it sounds like your DH is being a bit of a twunt so I'm not surprised you don't feel like it! He needs to understand that you can't just go from nothing to sex. Have you tried explaining that you would really like him to start sharing your bed again, and that once you start having a bit more physical closeness (but not sex) you will probably start getting interested again? Let him know that it might take a while and he will have to be patient, but you definitely do want to have sex with him in the future but just hormones etc post-baby mean it can take a while and it's very normal.

Sorry I realise that sounds crap and is probably what you've already been doing, just trying to offer some support. I totally went off sex after DD1 as I was so exhausted, she was a bad sleeper, we had sex 3 times in a year I think! But I made sure DH knew that I wanted to get back to it as soon as I felt able, and I think that helped.

Almondgranola Thu 28-Jul-11 20:35:51

Thanks Zimbah. Yes I will persevere with trying to make him understand. It happened last night, and I tried to reason him (it was more like angry whispering so as not to wake baby), and then he just left the room. We've said about 2 words to eachother all day. Honestly, he has the sensitivity of a spoon. I was reading all these posts about these great husbands who said 'take as long as you need' to their wives. I really picked a winner...

midori1999 Thu 28-Jul-11 20:44:38

I don't think I can be of any help except to say that I think the BF has a lot to do with it.

I normally want sex much more than my DH and have always been keen to 'get back into things' very soon after having all my DC, who weren't successfully BF and soon went onto formula sadly. I am currently BF DD, who will be 6 weeks old on Monday and although DH and I have had sex, I have to admit to not really being that interested and I can't see that changing any time soon.

I hope you find a way to get through to your DH.

mercibucket Thu 28-Jul-11 20:52:40

really hard to give advice on this one, it's so personal and different for every couple. think it's pretty common for your sex drive to dive both cos of hormones and just general knackered-ness and your dh's reaction sounds common too. I was happy enough to go along with it, no real interest but able to 'go along with it' and that went on for quite a long time, probably til I stopped feeling so knackered to be honest. it's realy important though to not do anything that makes you feel bad, so don't feel pressured either!
my advice would be to try and tackle the tiredness and 'new baby' thing however it is possible to - maybe your dh could do some of the night shifts with the baby or do more round the house or do some babysitting while you go out with friends/get your hair done/do a gym class - anything that gives you a bit more space and energy.
I personally would also have sex whether I felt like it or not, but that's not for me to tell anyone else to do
and don't worry - your mojo will come back but it can take a while! keep calm and carry on smile in the meantime
incidentally, the bed thing, we didn't get back into the same bed for over a year and it didn't make much difference either way, neither did the breastfeeding thing after about 6 months - all the hormones start to even out after a while anyway

lollystix Thu 28-Jul-11 21:08:57

I think it's a bf thing. Your mojo will come back. Afraid I have no practical advice to offer in the meanwhile.

Loopymumsy Thu 28-Jul-11 21:22:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seoladair Fri 29-Jul-11 14:34:08

My baby is 11 weeks old, and we got back to it, so to speak, last week. I had an elective c-sec so I was expecting it to be just like it used to be. Unfortunately it's not. I feel really tight inside so we've got to take it easy and use ky jelly (tmi - sorry). It's so tight, it feels like I've become a virgin again... I'm doing a mix of bf and ff, so I assume the bf hormones are causing the tightness. I guess it's nature's way of preventing pregnancy for a while. We've only done it twice so I'm sure it'll get better. DH is just delighted to be doing the deed again, so he's not complaining!

Gavi Mon 01-Aug-11 14:43:34

No advice really sorry I feel exactly the same, DD is 5mo and I just can't be bothered at all. It's only because he's upset that I'm even worrying about it, otherwise I'd just leave it until I want to. sad We were fine after birth of DS but youngest has just knocked it out of me. I just hope it comes back with time.

CalmInsomniac Mon 01-Aug-11 21:11:11

Soleadair, I've heard this before. I think postnatal hormones tighten up the vagina following any birth, so if it wasn't stretched by a vaginal birth, you end up tighter than before.
Op I can totally understand what you're going through. My dh is very much an all or nothing kind of person and I've spent months just trying to get him to remember that flirting with me is a required precursor to going for the lunge. if we've barely spoken all week then I'm not going to go from 0 to 60 in 4 seconds.

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