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DH wants VB I want a CS - how much did you consider partner wishes re birth

(85 Posts)
namechange100 Tue 12-Jul-11 09:59:39

Sorry its long thanks for reading - skip to questions at bottom if you like!

With DS1 I had an EMCS as he was breach and 13 days overdue when discovered. It has took us a year to conceive - im only 8 weeks now and just had my booking in visit with midwife yesterday. MW asked as I had a CS last time would I like a CS this time, I felt so relieved as aside from getting to the first scan to see if all well (had a missed miscarraige last year with empty sac). The only reason I can give is that a CS is what I know, it is planned and is a procedure with start and finish - I have a simmering fear of all the what seem to me horror stories of labour and birth from friends and what i have read - I was so relieved when the MW said this i was teary.

NOW...bring on DH ... he has previously said he thought we 'missed out' on hospital run, labour and birth. Last night he said in a 'bullish' manner that he deserved to have an opinion and he thinks a CS has far too many risks.

My reply was he is talking about something he hasnt looked up and compared, when he has done so we will discuss further and I did throw in 'it is my body' - He looked up and quoted some stuff including about potential death.

I stuck up for myself and said to leave me alone (as feeling crappy plus have cough cant take anything for) and went up to bed. DH did make several attempts before I accpeted apology and he immediately said sorry again this morning. This is the first big disagreement for ages. I was hurt he would have a go like this when I feel so crappy.

I think his timing and approach to air his opinions was wrong - he has apologised for this and I have accepted it

But I wanted to know how much do other women tak into account their partners/family members wishes re birth choices?

I feel he should support me and not make me feel under pressure to do something I am not comfortable about - he has said he wont do this, I think maybe some of this is related to the fact that he really didnt like it seeing me cut open last time and maybe this sticks in his mind?

Or am I being to quick as it is so early in pregnancy.

fraktious Tue 12-Jul-11 10:09:33

Er, not at all...

It's my body the baby's coming out of.

If you don't want a VBAC then don't have one. If you're stressed and tense then labour will probably be difficult (not that it's easy at the best of times) which makes a successful VBAC less likely.

An ELCS is a very different proposition to one at short notice.

EveryonesJealousOfWeasleys Tue 12-Jul-11 10:11:52

Your body, your labour, your choice. His job is to support you. I think if you were suggesting an unassisted homebirth he would have a point re risk but you are not asking for anything 'out there'. Stick to your guns and remain calm.

giraffesCantZumba Tue 12-Jul-11 10:15:47

He gets to decide when he is having the birth. He can discuss is with you and discuss his worries but it is your choice

fraktious Tue 12-Jul-11 10:17:13

Actually I'd like to put a caveat on the not at all if he'd had good reason for suggesting a CS over a VB. But definitely not the other way around, especially with a VBAC.

And I say that as a strong supporter of VBs and VBACs. If you are not happy then don't do it.

mumblebum Tue 12-Jul-11 10:18:48

I think the decision is yours. Like you say it is your body! Yes I think it's fair to listen to and consider what he has to say but ultimately it's up to you.

I'd only add, don't rush into a decision. I know how you feel. I had an emcs with my first and was terrified of a VBAC. I think it's fear of the unknown isn't it really. But I wasn't given much choice here and a VBAC it was. In the event the whole experience, particularly the recovery after, was so very much better than the CS that I'm really glad I did it. I'm now expecting my 3rd and although I am again scared about the whole labour thing the plan is most definitely for another VBAC if at all possible. Read as much as you can about it and look into the risks. I assume you'll get an appointment with a consultant to talk it all through as well.

If you're making your decision based on a good understanding of what's involved, then you'll be much better placed to make him understand the reasons for your choice. And despite my positive vbac experience I'd completely understand if your choice was to go for an elcs.

namechange100 Tue 12-Jul-11 10:21:01

Thank you for your reassurance it is my body smile

I said to him that his position was untennable as

a) he would cause distress by pressuring me into whatever
b) leave me unsupported in my choice

..and is this what you want you big bully pig head thats made me cry

But yes sticking to guns I am 80% sure. TBH I dont think he would cope very well seeing me labour & birth.

LunaticFringe Tue 12-Jul-11 10:21:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MerylStrop Tue 12-Jul-11 10:27:16

Yes, your DH should support you in your choice, absolutely. And in NO CIRCUMSTANCES pressure you into whatever decision you make.

However, I think it is fair enough for him to express his concerns and fears, and it is good that you're early enough in pregnancy to have the conversation before it becomes critical. Hormones notwithstanding.

My DH was very pro VBAC with DC2 (elective section and term +7) and DC3 (successful, beautiful, no intervention VBA2C). And he was right, actually. But once the decisions were made he supported me completely.

Tangle Tue 12-Jul-11 10:30:36

TBH it sounds like the option of a CS was as much of a shock for him as for you - but whilst for you it was a welcome relief, for him it brought up a load of unpleasant memories and he's reacted in shock.

I'd suggest you both go away and do some reading and thinking - it sounds like he's considering possible consequences without considering the risk/likelihood of the consequence happening. And, being candid, it sound like you're basing your opinion on vaginal birth on stories of when things have gone wrong - its worth bearing in mind that there are masses of women who have VB's with no problems and so feel little need to shout about them. You've got plenty of time so there's no need to be too belligerent now.

Yes it is your body and your choice. But you do have a relationship with your DH and I think that is likely to suffer if either of you take a hard line of "this is what I think should happen and I'm not even going to listen". (Wider family and friends didn't get a look in - and most were too sensible to try grin)

I've never had a CS so can't comment directly, but I have a friend who had a planned CS for her first and 3 VBAC's after that - her experience was that most of the advantages of a CS were before the birth (not having to labour, knowing the time, etc), but that the advantages of VB came afterwards (not having to recover from major surgery whilst trying to care for a newborn and a toddler). But that comparison will always be personal and depend on individual experience.

Ultimately you need to be comfortable with what's going to happen. For me, part of that was my DH being at least accepting even if it wasn't his first choice. For me the question wouldn't be so much who gets to choose, as how to reach a decision that I was happy with and that DH could support me in.

piprabbit Tue 12-Jul-11 10:38:02

Provided that your DH will ultimately support you in whatever decision you make, I agree with MerylStrop that being able to explore the issues and raise both your and your DHs concerns seems like a really useful and sensible thing to do.

You have your fears connected with birth, but it sounds like your DH has lots of fears too - not least losing the woman he loves during major surgery. Perhaps he is concerned about how he will cope with two children and a poorly wife after the birth. Perhaps he is frightened about being in a operating theatre (if you had an EMCS last time, I'm guessing he may not have been able to be with you for the operation).

I'm not saying any of these things because I think they outweigh your concerns and issues - just that both of you need to talk about how you feel, without it descending into a row. Only once you understand his worries can you both plan how to address them (get help in after the birth, arrange for a different birth partner - whatever works for you both).

namechange100 Tue 12-Jul-11 10:45:23

Thanks guys, I do say 80% as I can remember with DS that I was prepared for the a VB...you know getting yourself pysched up etc.

Lunatic - yes we must remember this
* Tangle* - agree, we do need to do more research.
meryle - yes it is fair he has a say but to what extent - I think I was quite taken aback by his strongly related opinions.

I did ask him about decision re Nuchal Scan choice its not like Im keeping it 'all for myself' grin

Nagini Tue 12-Jul-11 10:50:12

1. baby
2. me

the end.

DH's job was to smile and nod and make sure I got what I needed.
He also made sandwiches.

Can someone explain why they think a DH should have any say whatsoever in how the OP gives birth?

I'm sorry that your DH made you cry.

Kayzr Tue 12-Jul-11 10:53:51

There is no way I'd let DP decide how I gave birth. He knows that the baby will be born at home unless there is an emergancy and if he doesn't like it tough!!

nunnie Tue 12-Jul-11 11:00:46

For me personally my DH's opinion counted and by talking through it with him it became obvious how much of an effect my EMCS with my 2nd had actually had on him.
I wanted an ELCS DH was happy for me to have what I wanted but would prefer a VBAC I don't have a problem with him expressing his opinion.

As it stands I am now down for a VBAC unless my placenta remains where it is then I have no choice will have to have an ELCS.

I have had a VB before so know roughly what to expect which makes my VBAC easier than those that have not I think.

Of course it is your choice and you should go with what is best for you and shouldn't feel forced into making a decision and you shouldn't be put in a situation where you feel you are being forced.

piprabbit Tue 12-Jul-11 11:01:10

DHs have the right to talk to their partners about how they give birth because they love them, want what is best for them and the baby and are frightened and worried themselves.

What they do not have is a right to impose their opinions, or withdraw support if their partner makes a decision which doesn't reflect the DHs opinion.

I'm trying to imagine the fear that a man feels when a labour suddenly gets out of control, realising that your wife and baby might not make it, that you are completely powerless, while all around you swirl the competent HCPs and you stand there like a spare part. But it all comes good and you tuck it away at the back of your mind as you get on with being a parent. Then one day, out of the blue, your DW and the MW are sitting there talking about doing it all again and the feeling of helplessness and fear comes rushing back.

Playdohinthewashingmachine Tue 12-Jul-11 11:05:09

Tell him that you think he should have a vasectomy, and you strongly feel that it should be done in public with no anaesthetic.

Tell him that you deserve to have an opinion on this. Be very forceful about it.

namechange100 Tue 12-Jul-11 11:05:48

Thats for support for

piprabbit useful to explore that perspective I do think there is a little hangover here from first time round -I think we need to talk about this more re what he saw and felt

namechange100 Tue 12-Jul-11 11:09:21

On a funnier note the first time he came upstairs to try and make up with me I said through tears - 'im going to tell my midwife on you' and the bedroom window was open, I hope neighbours didnt hear!

I must say I am worse at night times nausea, moods etc,. grin

megapixels Tue 12-Jul-11 11:09:38

Hmmm, how much would I take into account my partner's/family members' wishes re birth choices? None at all. I would listen of course to what their reasons are but the decision would be completely mine alone. I had vaginal births for mine, I neither know nor care if my dh wanted me to have a CS.

I'm sorry, but a dh doesn't have the right to decide/have a preference for how their wife gives birth. None whatsoever.

namechange100 Tue 12-Jul-11 11:10:40

play Im C+P that to email to him right now!

munstersmum Tue 12-Jul-11 11:12:38

Agree with Nagini

Laughing with Playdoh

Tell DH if he feels the need to drive like a looney you'll buy him a trip to a test track for a big birthday.

piprabbit Tue 12-Jul-11 11:16:21

I love the test track idea grin.

There's an interesting article here about men's reaction to childbirth.

ShoutyHamster Tue 12-Jul-11 11:17:28

Talking about it, yes. Giving his opinion, yes. Being able to voice his fears, yes.

Having any say in the final decision - absolutely not.

This is YOUR body. Anything that happens during labour is for YOU to go through. Any after effects - YOU have to live with them. It is a physical process. He cannot and should not have any say in this, not unless he's offering to have the episiotomy for you grin

There is an added issue in that it is VBAC that he is pushing (scuse pun) - for a VBAC to succeed, it is vital that you want to do it. Really really WANT TO. Read other threads - if you are half-hearted about it, an ECMS or other intervention becomes more likely. That increases both risks to you and the baby. By its very nature, VBAC has to be something you choose.

I am also a bit hmm about his reasons for this - 'we' missed out on the labour/birth?? So it's all about him and his experiences, is it? Very dodgy ground. If he was saying, I saw how disappointed you were with CS, why not think of VBAC, or, I saw how long the recovery took, why not think of VBAC... but no. It's more 'but we missed out on an exciting thing'. Sorry, but that's not supporting you - there's a big whiff of sheer selfishness there. That needs stamping out NOW. He is the least important person in all this by a factor of about 100000. Ironically, if I were to try VBAC, the last thing I'd want by my side is a bloke who is even thinking about 'his' experience of labour and the hospital run. FFS!!!

His job in all this is to support you. That is the best thing he can do to help ensure that his child arrives safe and sound. That means supporting you in your wish of how to give birth. That's all there is to say. No he should not be even thinking along the lines of having a say in the decision VBAC/ELCS.

nunnie Tue 12-Jul-11 11:18:07

I did ask DH if he would consider having a vasectomy we talked about it and he made an appointment to discuss it with his GP, and is making an appointment after the baby arrives on the advice of the GP.

Should I not have expressed an opinion on this then?

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