I feel a fraud posting here because I'm not actually pregnant yet but the reason for posting is actually the reason why I'm not pregnant.
I'm 30 and my entire life I have been terrified of childbirth (after a bad examination as a young child). It's affected my entire life and I always swore I would never have children.
After years of counselling & therapies (which never cured the fears) I realised how much I do want a baby. It's all just fear of childbirth that is stopping me. I'm not at all afraid of pain of childbirth. It's all about doctors & examinations & intervention. I have never been able to let a doctor examine me since that bad incident 20 years ago and the thought alone makes me go into a panic attack. The only person who I can let go near me is my husband and that took years.
I came to the realisation I had two options - take out a loan for a private c section (I know from my doctors unsupportive response & the big cutbacks at my local hospital that the chances of me getting a c section on the NHS is so unlikely) .....or I could try hypnobirthing and request minimal intervention etc (hoping that the hypnosis would keep me calm enough to allow that).
But one concern I've always had is the fact I'm only 5'1 and my husband has and was born with a large head. Sounds silly but it's a real fear because he, his brother, his mum & his grandad all have big heads so it's obviously genetic. I tried to convince myself I would be fine but at the weekend my MIL (who doesn't know about my phobia) told me she was in hospital for ages after both her births because she tore badly due to their head size!
I'm now in a real panic & can't see anyway of facing birth without a c section (and the debt that will go with it).
If I could be promised a birth that would be intervention free I could face it. But I know nobody can promise that & the thought of doctors touching me or damage being done down there is giving me nightmares.
I feel like I have nowhere to turn and no options. If I don't have children I will be so sad......if I pay for a csection I will have debt & may be seen as a coward....or I can risk a natural birth and face the possibility of being mentally scarred forever. 9 months of living in terror.
Has anyone else ever has these fears? Am I crazy? I just want to be a mum. These fears are ruining my life.
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Childbirth
Terrified of childbirth (and a big baby) but desperately want to be a mum
boden83 · 07/07/2011 15:54
Boden - I have just a few minutes so haven't read your whole post, but want to recommend to you the materials which cured my fears during pregnancy. I was also terrified of labour/ birth - though not as severely as you, but still very scared.
I read Ina May Gaskin's Guide To Childbirth . You should read the myriads of positive birth stories in the beginning - amazingly empowering! Then read the rest of the book as it will tell you why having a natural birth really is best for mother and baby (i.e. in case you're tempted to just opt for a C-section as a way of avoiding labour 
). Obviously in cases where there's a threat to mum & baby, c-sections are brilliant. But in most cases a natural birth is the best option.
I also listened to Maggie Howell's hypnobirthing CD, which transformed my mind and made me believe I could do it. In the end I had two drug-free births which were bloody amazing.
You MUST also avoid, at all costs, any negative birth information, as this will fuel your fears. There is loads of this stuff out there, from TV (avoid the C4 One Born Every Minute programme until you've had your first baby), from newspapers, from well-meaning people just chatting. Just cut it all out of your life and don't feel that you have to explain. In fact, I'd go so far as to say you should avoid everything in the media about having babies, because it is sadly more likely to be negative.
I wish you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much luck and happiness in your life. You CAN overcome this, and I look forward to seeing a future thread from you saying you've given birth to your beautiful babies!
Oh, and I'm pretty sure there's something in the Ina May book about size of baby with small mums and large dads...in any case she writes all about how the pelvis/ cervix can expand beyond expectations. Re head size, if you're relaxed and in a good birthing position, you won't necessarily tear. It's all in the book, anyway!
And if you do tear, doctors are amazing at suturing and fixing, so you'll be fine.
OP, I am exactly the same. Same age, same problem even the same reason for developing tokophobia. I could have written your OP. Don't feel hopeless- I know exactly what you are going through.
I'm going to PM you in a minute and I hope I'll be able to help
OP: speaking as someone who has had to live with a very extreme phobia (needles) I can completely understand where you're coming from. In my first pregnancy I had to be anaesthetised just to get my blood tests done and the idea of having to have an epidural was my worst possible nightmare. I know what you mean about hoping a natural birth would cure you: in my case having the epi did!
HOWEVER: I think from what you've said that your phobia is so extreme that attempting a natural birth would be counter-productive. I think it's great that you've been discussing things ahead of time and have tried to 'fix' this - but the fact that this hasn't happened means you need to push for a section. Try and speak to another GP, if they want you to go for counselling again go with it - but demand another counsellor. It sounds to me as if on some level the other counsellor was right: for all intents and purposes you were sexually abused as a child, but it was this medical exam that your brain has decided was abuse, if that makes sense 
!
As for how people will judge you: screw them! It's your body, your brain, your phobia. If necessary, tell them there's a medical reason - breech, twins (harder to lie about ), placenta previa - anything. The only warning I'd put on this would be to just be aware that some rummaging around 'down there' will be necessary post-op.
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Bless you, it sounds awful. 
I'm not all that surprised that the cbt therapist didn't 'get' you: the cbt approach is a pretty superficial way of handling mental and emotional problems. You'd be better off paying for a psychotherapist or a Human Givens counsellor.
I also highly recommend that you ONLY see a therapist on someone's recommendation. There are good and bad therapists out there and the best (i.e. the least soul-destroying) way to weed them out is through word of mouth. Ask people you know, and if they can't help then ask them to ask their friends - someone in your friend/ family network will be able to recommend someone good. I don't know what your financial situation is, but it sounds as though this is an investment that you can't afford not to make.
Wrt birth stuff, it sounds like the c-section option might just be best for you. You need to be able to relax during pregnancy and enjoy it as much as you can. If you know that you won't have to worry about a vaginal birth it will take the stress away. You can also prepare for a c-section with hypnotherapy cds, if you think that might be helpful. I also still think Ina May's book will be useful to you regardless of whether you go for a c-section.
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