Unwanted thoughts about hurting younger brother

[Splandy]

I've started a few threads about my son's problems with tics/anxiety. They seem to be getting worse. He had an episode last night which i think I brought on by being a bit over the top with telling him off. He is 10 and has a 2 year old brother. I left the room to wash my hands after a nappy change and heard the youngest start to cry. Went to investigate and my eldest was bringing him over to me looking sheepish and trying to soothe him. The youngest is ill and not sleeping well, so particularly whingy and it turns out had been shutting my eldest's fingers in a book and generally shouting/crying at him. Eldest got frustrated with him and put his hands on his shoulders in a grabbing motion, as though to push him away or grab and shake him and made a frustrated noise. This frightened the youngest and made him cry. I don't think he was actually hurt and he stopped as soon as he seemed sad and brought him over to me. Eldest gave me a bit of attitude so I was trying to drum into him that it is not ok to scare or put his hands on his brother in anger, particularly because of the age difference. I told him I was very shocked and disappointed and explained how serious it would be if he ever actually hurt him. I used an example of pushing him and him cutting himself or something needing a trip to hospital and said people would want to know how it happened. It was so stupid of me to go on like that but he wasn't showing any remorse and I was a bit concerned. He still didn't seem overly bothered but I think he then started to think that he would be arrested if he ever did anything bad because he's now over the age of criminal responsibility, he actually pointed that out to me. He then started crying because his brother was 'painting' his feet with water and giggling and it made him feel guilty and sorry for him.

This then developed into loads of sobbing and telling me what an awful person he is, detailing all the terrible things he's done to his brother, how he doesn't deserve food and this is why he hates his life, because he's a bad person. The things he was admitting to weren't even bad things. He said he has got hurt when playing with him sometimes and not told me the truth because he didn't want to get in trouble. His other terrible crimes were centred around swearing, he said he has stuck his fingers up at him a few times when he's been annoyed at him. He then went on about 'accidentally' swearing at him many times. By this he means picking things up or using his hands with his fingers unintentionally in the shape of a swearing gesture. This was something of an obsession a few years ago - he became terrified that he might accidentally swear at people during normal activities and was constantly worrying about it, couldn't sleep and cried about it a lot. I thought we had got past it long ago as he hadn't mentioned it for quite a long time.

I was reassuring him that none of that was that bad, some not ideal but certainly not anything that made him a terrible person and the only actual naughty thing, intentionally swearing, was pretty minor. He then told me he had a tingling feeling in his arms to do it again. He has described these "tingly" feelings to me before which are the urges to carry out his tics. Once he's had a strong emotional reaction to something it often seems to bring on a new tic which is repeated when he's in that situation again. He was screaming and sobbing, saying that he kept having thoughts about hurting or killing his brother and didn't like it and wanted them out of his head. He was slapping and punching himself in the head. He was also saying he had a feeling in his hands to swear at his brother so he had to keep sitting on them and rubbing them on his legs to stop himself. His brother also kept crying throughout this because my eldest was crying, so the youngest kept trying to ask what was wrong and why he was crying, which then made him feel even more guilty.

My sister came over as I was struggling with it all. We kept talking and reassuring him and pointed out that he doesn't like the thoughts and feels guilty about being mean to his brother so it shows he's a good person. He said he can't ever touch his brother again because he can't be trusted. My sister has a diagnosis of anxiety/ocd and has had similar thoughts so that helped a bit. I reassured him throughout it all and played it down as that's what calms him down. But I am secretly very freaked out and worried that he said those things about his brother. It's likely he will get the feeling in his hands again next time his brother cries or has a tantrum as that's what seems to happen. I am so worried about him and now my youngest too.

He had an initial assessment with Camhs a few weeks ago and the nurse said he clearly has anxiety and will be given help with that. But this is worse and has moved on. She said I'd hear something in January. I think I should call them up and inform them but I still don't have a clue how this all works.

[lasketchup]

Bumping for you.