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Daughter refusing to start senor school and now to wash

(52 Posts)
HELP654 Sun 08-Oct-17 21:54:49

11 daughter has been refusing to try senor school I have took all her things away so she has nothing to do but now she's gone to even more extreme by refusing to look after herself with bathing cleaning her teeth and pinging out on junk food in secret help

PurpleDaisies Sun 08-Oct-17 21:57:11

This can't have come out of the blue. What's been going on before the school refusal?

I can't help thinking taking all her things away isn't the best way to handle the situation.

missmapp Sun 08-Oct-17 22:09:21

Are you getting some support with her school refusal ? Sounds like she is trying to take some control back by not washing, I'd tread cardiology going down the punishment route. Does she talk to anyone or is she completely closed off ?

missmapp Sun 08-Oct-17 22:10:13

Carefully not cardiology - don't know where that came from!

HELP654 Sun 08-Oct-17 22:20:59

Only took things away because we was told to do so spoke to dr's social services and are family support worker only just putting things into place to get her to school she's been refusing since the start after the school holidays

Crumbs1 Sun 08-Oct-17 22:22:56

I also can't imagine she woke up one day and chose not to go to,school - and got away with it. Skiving off becomes a habit that can lead to mental health problems rather necessarily be because of mental health problems.
It's October now so she's missed a few weeks. What are school saying?
What measures have you taken to get her into school. Punishment isn't going to work if she's backed herself into a corner.
Do you take her to school and hand her over to a member of staff?
What is she saying is the reason?
Can she do a genteel introduction via SEN department somits not so scary and so she can be closely monitored?
Does she have friends? Are they at same school?
You are going to have to reward positive behaviour and establish clear routine that includes school. Don't have junk food in the house. Don't give her money for food.

PurpleDaisies Sun 08-Oct-17 22:25:28

It would be really helpful if you said more about what's happening.

Who said to take her things away?

What does your daughter say about why she doesn't want to go to school?

Does she have friends from her old school there?

Have you tried taking her?

HELP654 Sun 08-Oct-17 22:25:37

She won't speak to anybody from the start she would refuse to get up and get ready that's when we took all her things like her pad, phone and computer she still has her teddy's and we try and get her to come down to do school work on my laptop but she wont get out of bed

PurpleDaisies Sun 08-Oct-17 22:27:11

Was everything ok in primary?

HELP654 Sun 08-Oct-17 22:31:31

This is the first week she's refused to have a bath and doesn't eat much for her tea it's upsetting me and my husband and I are stressed out we are only going to start getting the help tomorrow

HELP654 Sun 08-Oct-17 22:35:27

All her friends are at schools to far for her or in possible to get into it's social services dr and are family support worker. Yes everything was OK in primary she loved it there

Onenight0nly Sun 08-Oct-17 22:36:45

Has she had any counselling help?

HELP654 Sun 08-Oct-17 22:39:59

It was dr social services and are family support worker who told us to make home life as boring as possible and take her fun things away the school has only told us we have to get her in before they will help and everything was OK at primary school she loved it there

HELP654 Sun 08-Oct-17 22:43:11

No not at the moment going to speak to a dr about her refusing to wash and look after herself and the chocolate and crisps she has are meant to go in her and her sister's lunch box they have healthy stuff as well

HELP654 Sun 08-Oct-17 22:45:56

It's been a slow process with getting her into school but now it's got worse tried to offer rewards but she thinks we are just bribing her

abbsisspartacus Sun 08-Oct-17 22:45:58

Can you physically carry her downstairs

PurpleDaisies Sun 08-Oct-17 22:46:53

What's changed over the summer?

SuburbanRhonda Sun 08-Oct-17 22:50:13

I'm confused, OP - you say you have a social worker and a family support worker but you're only going to get help from tomorrow?

So what have the SW/FSW been doing until now, if not helping?

Flossy1978 Sun 08-Oct-17 23:01:00

It is too difficult to understand your messages. Can you use fullstops?

Goldmandra Sun 08-Oct-17 23:02:06

It was dr social services and are family support worker who told us to make home life as boring as possible

This is not good advice. It is based on the assumption that your DD is simply badly behaved.

When my 12 YO DD1 began to be unable to attend school, we tried everything to get her there. All it achieved was making her feel worse about herself and more distressed. In the end CAMHS told us not to punish her at all and to actively encourage her to do things she enjoyed, e.g. go to the stables to lift her mood and support her self-esteem.

Stopping self care routines was seen as an indicator that her mental health was deteriorating significantly. They were right.

Your DD needs you to know that you are on her side. If there is something making school feel impossible to face, you need to help her work out what that is and find a solution together. Feeling like she is upsetting you or letting you down will not make it easier for her to recover.

Children who don't go to school because it's boring, tend not to be up front about it. They slope off to shopping centres with their mates instead. Those who can't get out of bed, can't face getting ready for school, tell their parents they can't go, etc, usually have some sort of difficulty and are asking for support by refusing to go.

You need to stop looking for ways to get her to do what the adults want and get everybody to work together to find out what is stopping her. Only when you have identified and removed that barrier, will this situation get any better.

I hope you find out what it is soon.

Ploppie4 Sun 08-Oct-17 23:09:30

Does she usually find change difficult?

Crumbs1 Sun 08-Oct-17 23:09:48

In a way rewards are bribing. If you do x then you get a reward of y. Most of us are 'bribed' to go to work by being rewarded with a salary.
Do you actually go up and get her out of bed? I'm a bit of an advocate of tough love and would be taking her in her pyjamas (with uniform in the car to do a quick change before she went in). I would be physically taking her into school. She needs to establish the routine of attendance. Then rewards for going. What is she doing at home all day? Just sitting there? I'm guessing the internet and television are off and nobody is interacting with her?
Do you take her in to school? Does she understand the consequences of school refusing on parents?
What exactly are school saying - you'll risk being prosecuted if you aren't making her attend.

HELP654 Sun 08-Oct-17 23:12:47

Sorry I have learning problems I have trouble with fall stops and spelling get most of my spellings from Google. Are family support worker as only just been put into place they had to look over are problem before putting one in place. I think they told us to make are home life as boring as possible because she wants to be home schooled and can't

Goldmandra Sun 08-Oct-17 23:16:30

Does she understand the consequences of school refusing on parents?

Some professionals tried this tack with my DD1. It made matters a whole lot worse. She was already very distressed about being unable to go to school. Being told that it could result in me being sent to prison was devastating.

If you are too scared, anxious or stressed to cope with the idea of school, rewards, punishments, threats and guilt trips don't work but they can make you feel a whole lot worse.

HELP654 Sun 08-Oct-17 23:19:20

Need to try and get some sleep and hope are family support worker can help she's going to try and get are daughter to talk to her tomorrow and then get her into school for half a day on Wednesday she attended her try out days and got in late her first day of starting because she went for someone else but she wanted to go home after an hour of attending telling me she didn't like the fact she had to have different teachers and be in different classes

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