Ds(17) refusing to get out of bed

[noitsnotteatimeyet]

Really don't know how to deal with this... ds has been going downhill for several months now. He has ASD (fairly mild) and dyspraxia and has never found school an easy place to be but up until the last year or so seemed to be just about managing.

He underperformed in his GCSEs but still managed to get a few As, Bs and a couple of Cs. He had a rocky start to Y12 - influx of new pupils, lots of new teachers, too much freedom and too many bums on seats (the sixth form is so large there's physically not enough space for them all to fit in so local kids are encouraged to go home in free periods).

Gradually he started doing less and less work and becoming increasingly disengaged. Cajoling, encouraging, nagging, punishing had no effect and he started refusing to go to school. Surprisingly he did go in for his AS exams but did predictably badly given the amount of work he'd done.

Over the summer he's been spending more and more time in bed, and withdrawing from family life and life in general. He didn't go out at all in the summer holidays, he did come on holiday with us but barely left his room. He's deficient in vitamin D but won't take supplements (he gags on tablets no matter how tiny) or spend any time outside. He looks awful - his skin is virtually grey, he's very thin and has to be prodded into showering, washing his hair, brushing teeth etc. Much of the time he shuffles round like an old man - he's lost all his spark and joy in life.

The only time he comes alive is when he's playing online computer games, which has become an addiction. We have tried putting restrictions in place but he ignores them or finds a way round them.

He's now not been to school for a week and yesterday refused to get out of bed until after 7pm and today wasn't much better. He's crashing out of school (A-levels are obviously not happening now) and seems so miserable and I just don't seem to be able to do anything to stop it happening. He's had one session with CAMHS but as he won't engage with them and says there's nothing wrong the options they can offer are limited.

I don't know what to do to help him and can't bear watching him living this half life. Sorry this is so long ... any words of wisdom/comiseration/hope would be appreciated

[Crumbs1]

Is it perhaps time for tough love? He goes to,school or he gets a job and pays his way. Cut all allowances with options to earn them back for school attendance, homework completion and chores around the house.
Very loud classical music gets them out of bed quite easily. Something rousing and jolly. Repeatedly.
It becomes cyclical as they alienate themselves from their peers.
Talk to school about repeating year or get him to local college on BTech course instead. Find out what he wants to do longer term and plan towards that.
Turn your internet off during the day.
Unfill your fridge and don't provide food outside of meal times. Insist on reasonable communication.
Keep prodding into shower.
Then plan a few nice things like a cinema trip as opportunity to communicate that isn't a battle.

[Broken11Girl]

Do not do that ^
He sounds severely depressed. CAMHS saying he won't engage isn't good enough. You can request a mental health assessment as a concerned parent, whether he engages or not - if he doesn't they will draw conclusions. They will also note how bad he looks. He can get through this

[noitsnotteatimeyet]

We tried tough love - it backfired and damaged our relationship with him. He's had an initial assessment with CAMHS. Two clinicians spoke to him for 45 minutes and then spoke to us. They said they didn't think he was depressed as he could engage with them (and tell them he didn't think there was anything wrong) and he does eventually get up and go on the computer. They asked us when we'd last told him we loved him ... He's been offered phone counselling and a referral to a self-help centre run by adult services, neither of which seems remotely appropriate to me regardless of the fact that he won't engage with them.

In the meantime I feel completely helpless. I want to help him but he won't let me. He says he doesn't care that it's upsetting everyone else in the family and that he wants us to feel guilty - not sure what I'm supposed to feel guilty for 😟

[Spottyparrot99]

Sorry to hear your son's not well. I know it's only a tiny part of it- but in holland and Barrett you an can vitamin d supplements and a minty tasting mouth spray. Might he be prepared to try this?

[LoniceraJaponica]

Ignore Crumbs' terrible advice. I agree that he sounds severely depressed. This requires a GP visit.

to both of you. It is awful to deal with.

[Sonnet]

Can you get him to the GP?
Tell him what you've told us

He seems depressed and you and he need help and support xx

[Ploppie4]

Can he do A levels on line?

[Ploppie4]

It doesn't sound like the school environment is right for him anyway. Go down the a level online route.

What does he want to do long term?

[Ploppie4]

Initially let him have his games console after getting up/changed and going for a walk.

[noitsnotteatimeyet]

We've been to the GP who referred him to CAMHS

Initially saying he could go on the computer after he'd got up/gone for a walk etc worked but then he stopped complying and stayed in his room all day doing nothing as he didn't want to 'reward us for taking things away' (his words). I don't want to get into a confrontation with him as he's 6'6" and can lash out when he's upset

[Ploppie4]

That's a good first step

[noitsnotteatimeyet]

But CAMHS aren't offering anything appropriate hence my rather despairing post ...

[Kareninfrance]

We have same issues with our 17 year old - in France however ASD/ADHD/ASPERGES don't ´exisT'. Good luck

[FinallyDecidedOnUserName]

Can you afford private therapy?

[NoMoreAngstPls]

Sorry, nothing helpful to add other than this

[BrinjalPickle]

You mentioned he's deficient in vitamin d but won't take tablets - holland and barrett do a vitamin d spray that you spray into your mouth if he would be more amenable to that?

[bastardkitty]

Vitamin D deficiency is exhausting and can lead to staying in bed which compounds the lack of sunlight. Who diagnosed the deficiency? Did they prescribe something? My daughter has this deficiency and has ampules to take orally. It really makes the person feel very unwell if untreated. It would be compounded by his height/growth/bone depletion.

[endofthelinefinally]

Can you get him anywhere where there is sunshine?
Would he let you put a light box in his room?
Could you go back to the gp and ask at what point he would be considered sectionable under the mental health act.
I have been where you are op and my heart breaks for you and your son.

[noitsnotteatimeyet]

Update: CAMHS appear to be getting their act together. After an awful week when he's not been to school's at all and has spent the vast majority of it in bed. When he has been up we've had episodes of him screaming at me in the middle of the night followed by floods of tears. I called the GP and also finally managed to get hold of the head of sixth form at his school and between them they seem to have convinced CAMHS that he does need treatment now. So instead of being offered phone counselling (self-referral service aimed at adults) he's now being referred to the complex needs team and will also be seen by someone from the transition team which looks after 18-25 year olds.

He's also agreed to discuss the possibility of trying medication so I'm back to the GP on Monday, although getting something in a form he'll be able to take will be interesting...

We've got some vitamin D drops from H&B so I'm hoping he'll be ok with those. He was diagnosed after a blood test and prescribed high dose tablets for 5 weeks but then was supposed to move onto a maintenance dose and spend more time outside, both of which he refused to do so I suspect that his levels will have dropped right down again.

kareninfrance that sounds tricky - do you have any support in place?

And endoftheline - are you the other side now? What helped you and your dc get through it?

[endofthelinefinally]

No. Sadly not.
I hesitated to post tbh because it all ended so badly for us.
But then I thought I should because I look back and wish I had fought harder, shouted louder and longer.
My son started with seasonal depression. He also had an addictive personality. He was prescribed antidepressants but turned to other drugs because of the side effects. He probably had adult adhd. He certainly ticked all the boxes.
The thing is that once they turn 18 nobody will help because of confidentiality. So if you cant drag them out of bed, or they wont make apointments for themselves, you are stuffed.
My son died last year.
I honestly feel that if he had been sectioned he would have stood a chance.

[bastardkitty]

I'm so sorry endofthelinefinally . You are right to post.

[noitsnotteatimeyet]

I'm so sorry endoftheline. I really appreciate you sharing your experience, thank you

I hate feeling so helpless and being unable to stop ds from making bad choices. And because of the ASD even though he's 18 in a few weeks, emotionally and even physically he's like a much younger teenager (he's still growing and only just going through puberty now, which of course isn't helping)

[endofthelinefinally]

Could you get him to sign a letter stating that he gives his consent for you to share his medical information with his gp?
Just write the letter
"I ...... date of birth, nhs number, give my consent to sharing of information with my mother .....
Sign and date.
My friends son died recently.
His CPN made her leave the house during home visits because of confidentiality issues.
My friend was his official carer.
She had no idea what she was dealing with.
She believes her son would be alive today if she had been told what to look out for.

[noitsnotteatimeyet]

Thank you endofthelinefinally that's a very useful bit of advice