Help! Advice needed!
I have a dear friend (who lives in Germany) whom I've known for >20 years who, at 38, had a much-desired little girl. The couple have always been anxious parents and the dad (sometimes!) gets stressed out really easily but is otherwise really laid back and great fun. The little girl is now 9 years' old. The family is professional and well off and the mother does not work.
Over the last 5 years, I have been increasingly reluctant to visit my friend as her daughter is really 'difficult'.
At first I thought there was something wrong with the child, then I thought it was just terrible parenting (since they seemed to take action which exacerbated the issue), but now I am beginning to realise that there is something seriously wrong with the child and the parents are not dealing with it well.
The child seems to be incredibly spoilt and to have very little regard for the feelings of others, poor social skills and displays extremely narcissistic (and often rude) behaviour, whilst at the same time, showing signs of considerable anxiety in situations which, for her age, should be quite ordinary (e.g. staying over at a friend's house) or being asked to help wrap a surprise present for her mum's birthday.
The little girl's behaviour is really upsetting for both parents, but the mother tries to logicalise it away and constantly tries to placate her increasingly despotic daughter. I have to bite my tongue and be really careful as there is absolutely NO WAY my own children would get away with a fraction of what this increasingly manipulative and down-right nasty girl does. It is shocking and yet goes completely unchecked.
Saying something to her mum
In mentioning the situation to others, many have suggested that it is none of my business and that, in saying something to her mother, I risked losing someone who is a very dear friend for me.
(I once had the misfortune - when the child was just a toddler - to mention that putting orange juice in a Tippy Cup for the girl to sip all day was a bad idea (from a dental perspective) and that I was always careful to only give water in these cups for my own children. I suffered almost 2 days of slightly stand-off-ish silent treatment from the mother, before it was mentioned and I found myself apologising for having said anything!)
It has also placed considerable strain on my friend's relationship with her mother, who she is very close to emotionally (though not geographically, sadly). She has often fallen out with her mother and I believe has collapsed criticism of her daughter as criticism of herself.
My own children (now teenagers) do not like the little girl and request to be absent when she is a guest in our home and have not wished to come with us when we have visited them in Germany.
I have just returned from a 4-day visit which was really fraught when the child was not getting her way. (I am treading on egg-shells around the girl at that point and try to have as little to do with her as possible. I busy myself with other things, like cooking etc. as I have to admit that I find her unpredictable, uncooperative and unpleasant to play with. She has always been this way.)
When describing the child's latest behaviour to my 16-yr old son (who is interested in psychology and mental disorders (he has weird friends!) and seems to have a good grasp of this stuff), he has suggested that, at best, the child has a quite significant anti-social disorder and I must speak out. (If I don't, he says, he is prepared to, for the child's sake.)
I've researched it a bit on the internet and the child's behaviour does seem to chime alarmingly with this. She is increasingly despotic, selfish, manipulative and narcissistic and my concern, on reading what this turns into, is that it is only going to get worse and their only and much-loved child will have, at best, a very difficult life and at worst, ... well, anyway!
The mother tries very hard to cope and is filled with unconditional love for her, inventing seemingly rational reasons for what is clearly 'abnormal' (not to mention unpleasant) behaviour.
My son explains that, for the child's sake, I must say something. The child clearly needs therapy and this will not end well.
I am terrified of lifting the lid on any of this, but at the same time, I fear what my friend will ask me, in 15 years' time, when the problem was so apparent to me now, why I stayed silent.
What can/should I do?
Should I say something?
How can I stay silent?
How can I brooch the subject?
(We recently met an English pediatrician mum in Germany (by chance in a coffee shop). I could ask her to say something, but then I fear that would be such a betrayal of my friendship with the girl's mother.)
Does anyone have any experience of this kind of situation?
Help!
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Child mental health
Friend with 'really difficult' child needing therapy and I can't bring myself to tell her
66 replies
DoTheRightThang99 · 17/09/2017 23:03
OP posts:
BananasAreGood ·
18/09/2017 01:00
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Message withdrawn at poster's request.
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