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Child mental health

The house is trashed yet again and I'm fed up of being beaten up by my own son ..

29 replies

Purplerainbow · 21/07/2017 09:30

I don't even know why I'm writing this, I just need a vent. 11 year old ds has asd and anxiety. Today is his last day of primary school. This morning my house has literally been turned upside down and trashed. I have holes in doors that I can't afford to replace (I rent) he's pushed me into the work top, punched me in the stomach, tried to break my arm and thrown hard objects into the back of my head. School has to take his sibling as it wasn't safe here...

This is because I wouldn't give him him tablet. They aren't allowed them before school. He went on it whilst I was in the shower and I knew he was anxious and sad about today and the tablet is always his 'go To' to distract. Repeatedly told him in warnings when he had to get dressed. Wouldn't get dressed so I took tablet away. Then this all kicked off.

I left his dad when they were babies because of DV. That was a long time ago. If he was an adult, I wouldn't be expected to put up with this but because 'it's change' and 'oh it's to be expected' I just have to suck it up.

What hurts most is he CAN be a lovely lovely boy. But when this devil raises his head makes me want to give up Sad

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Catgotyourbrain · 21/07/2017 09:40

Oh Flowers for you. No excuse but remember this is a really emotional day for both of you. My DS leaving primary today and has ADHD - totally mental his morning and forgot his bag. He will probably go mental this evening too... I think on a day like today it's whatever gets you all through sane... can you go for pizza or ice cream or do something nice after school?

Assuming that behaviour is unusual for him - are you under CAMHS? Some Camhs do classes for kids on anger and emotional intelligence - so you may be able to access that? DS was in a weekly session for transition y6 kids this half term which was useful for him but he is totally petrified of secondary.

I hope he is a bit better this afternoon

Also re the DV - I can imagine you feel a bit like history repeating? But your DS has a condition that is driving this and I presume the behaviour comes from a different place. Hope you can find a way to separate the two.

Good luck

mermaidsandunicorns · 21/07/2017 09:40

Flowers
I can completely understand xx
My son is asd and is 7. He cannot control his anger at all and very often takes this out on me. I have been hit, kicked punched,bitten to an extent that I look like I am in an abusive relationship. His flashpoint is the computer. I found restricting internet access on the sly through the router after a certain time has worked well. Although he will still get frustrated and hit the computer but it isn't as bad as it used to be.
Sorry I'm not much use for advice but know you are not alone

imip · 21/07/2017 09:44

Flowers I understand....

I'm a mum to a dd 9 with ASD. While we are not at punching holes in walls stage, she tends more to hurt herself.

We've started family therapy in hope of reaching some sort of balance. I have to rely on my 9yo to help with my 7 and 5 yo when I need to restrain dd. I hate it.....

thereallochnessmonster · 21/07/2017 09:45

This morning my house has literally been turned upside down and trashed. I have holes in doors that I can't afford to replace (I rent) he's pushed me into the work top, punched me in the stomach, tried to break my arm and thrown hard objects into the back of my head. School has to take his sibling as it wasn't safe here...

Did he do all that today, or has he been violent before? It sounds awful, I'm so sorry for you.

I'd be looking at anger management classes or sessions with a child psychologist for him, if you can afford them. Look at youngminds.org.uk/find-help/feelings-and-symptoms/anger/ or childmind.org/article/is-my-childs-anger-normal/

It's terrible that he's hurting you. If he behaves like that at school and hurts another dc, it will be just as bad.

I'd speak to his new secondary about it too and see what they advise.
Would it also be worth ringing the police and asking a policemen to come round and talk to him about violence and what could happen if he hurts you? What happens if he carries on like this and he hits you aged 15 or 16?

Good luck.

imip · 21/07/2017 09:46

I rely on my 10 yo! It's the 9 yo I'm restraining....

Purplerainbow · 21/07/2017 09:48

This is usual behaviour for him unfortuately. He's been under Camhs since he was 4. Has had everything going. He sees a physiotherapist weekly. Has had interventions at school. It's been awful the last 2 years and is getting worse. Im so fed up of being scared of him, of always being heightened literally 24/7. Not knowing when he will blow his top. I'm on my own with them both which doesn't help. I don't have any support from my family, other than my mum occasionally.

I really do understand tngat today is awful for him I really really do but now he has missed his special leavers assembly and I'm so sad about that. He's at home and will be all day now. I don't want to take him out for treats ... he doesn't deserve it in my opinion. If he hadn't trashed the house and hurt me so badly it would be different.

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Purplerainbow · 21/07/2017 09:50

This all happened before 915 this morning!! I would be here all day if I wrote what he had done over he years! I dont know about the police, I think it would waste their time.

Iv spoken to him countless times about repercussions of aggression and violence...

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defineme · 21/07/2017 09:50

Do you get respite? We get short breaks funding that helps. I had a big bruise on my arm the other day (not allowed McDonald's tantrum by 15yr old ds1 who has asd) and on the one hand I felt crap as I got sympathy off some friends, but what actually made me feel better was 2 friends with neurotypical teens telling me they have had violent incidents too. Despite this, my ds has improved, he is definitely more empathetic now he's older and I have found his ta at school talking through his behaviour at home helps a lot.

QuiteLikely5 · 21/07/2017 09:51

Have you considered medication for him?

If he is a constant physical threat you could always ask the psych and see what they think.

Purplerainbow · 21/07/2017 09:52

No, no respite at all. Iv asked. As he is in mainstream he isn't 'severe enough'.

He's so screwed up and I'm really worried about him. He's suicidal. I know In a while he will hit a downer and will be really upset then his self esteem will plummet....

Camhs agreed medication the other month finally but because he won't have blood tests regularly which he has to have as he's under 18, they won't give it to him/

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defineme · 21/07/2017 09:55

I wouldn't ring the police, but I would talk to the senco at secondary about it. They had the community police officer come and talk to my son about some behaviour out of school and it really had an impact on him. Would medication be something you'd consider...it isn't good for either you or your ds to be living in this heightened state.

defineme · 21/07/2017 09:59

You need to get back on it about respite. My ds goes away for weeks at a time on residentials with his youth group and he loves it. Is there a group that can advocate for you? Can you not bribe him for the blood tests. We do blood test followed by mcdonalds.

YorkshireTree · 21/07/2017 10:02

Oh purple this must be awful for you. Is it you he focusses on or are his siblings in danger as well? Have you been able to discuss options for when he gets older? He will get bigger and stronger and if he continues with the violence, him living at home could quickly become untenable.

Purplerainbow · 21/07/2017 10:02

There is notbing! Iv spoken to everyone and they have all said he is not 'severe enough' to warrant it.

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Purplerainbow · 21/07/2017 10:04

yorkshire he is already stronger than me when he is like that. I can't even think about the future as it scares me. It's mainly me that gets it yes, he shouts and threatens his brother which is bad enough. He hurts him if he gets caught in the cross fire but sadly he has learnt to run away when his big brother is like this. It's destroying all 3 of us...

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thereallochnessmonster · 21/07/2017 10:07

I'm so sorry, Purple. In that case I'd definitely ask the police to come round and have a chat with him. He needs to learn to control his anger - for everyone's sake.

You might have to be the 'squeaky gate' if you want anything to happen, e.g. respite care. My friend has a ds with autism and only when she went to social services and said 'I cannot cope, I am going to kill myself and my son' did she get respite care for him.

Purplerainbow · 21/07/2017 10:08

I don't want him taken away. It would be the worse thing to do.

Now iv calmed and not crying my body really hurts.


He now want to go to school.. I told him he has missed the special assembly and he has said he will get ready in time for it to end (its whole school one special for the leavers so all teachers will be in there too)

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thereallochnessmonster · 21/07/2017 10:10

I'd take him to school. Last day. And you get some time for you too.

Purplerainbow · 21/07/2017 10:22

I'm going to but can't at the moment as there won't be anywhere for him to go other than in the hall and it's a big school so I don't think it will be a good idea so will have to wait 3/4 hour.

What I hate and I know I shouldn't but I know someone with a son who's late teens and he is severely autistic but they have plenty of respite get the dad himself has said to me, 'you have it so much harder than we do as our ds has no aggression or awareness of anything that goes on'. Yet I'm not entitled to anything....

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CloudPerson · 21/07/2017 10:23

I understand. My 12 yr old has had a similar morning because he's worried about the summer holidays.

Things we've done that have made a difference (if you're interested!)
5 point scale - helped to spot escalating behaviour before it's too late (Google The incredible 5 point scale, there are scales to print out on the website, or he can make up his own scale so it's more personalised. Basically 1 = fine up to 5 = meltdown. By 4 it's too late, batten down the hatches, meltdown will happen! It's not perfect, but it does help you and him to learn to spot how he's feeling, and to learn how to de-escalate things whilst you can. We lived in fear most of the time, this has given us some control back.

Sensory and calming strategies - if the tablet was helping him to feel calm at a time of heightened anxiety, I probably would have left him to it. I know that flies against "normal" parenting techniques, but I know myself (i am autistic too), feeling anxious is horrible and having a distraction taken away is very distressing.

Has he had an OT assessment? We found strategies from an OT were fantastic, far more helpful than anything camhs suggested. Things like jumping on a trampoline, pulling himself up on a door bar, chewing gum, press ups, using a weighted blanket, although it's very personalised. There's a book from West Midlands Autism called Sensory Profile which is very cheap and excellent, and helps you to build up a sensory diet for your son.

The book The Explosive Child is brilliant, and helps you both to learn to collaborate and find solutions together, you might find this very helpful. I think you can get these quite cheaply second hand on Amazon.

My son was suicidal from 6, it's difficult, but often it's a way to explain how bad he's feeling as it's difficult to identify and name emotions without being extreme. It's still worrying though, I know.

Sorry if you weren't wanting advice. Feel free to ignore!
I can completely relate to your post though, ds doesn't have a bedroom door any more as he destroyed it, we also have random holes in our walls which we don't want to fix until we know things are more settled. We now HE our son which is much better for him, but not great for me, so we're trying to apply for an EHCP to get something else worked out.

Does he have any involvement with autism outreach at school? (Called different things in different areas). School can refer him and someone will come in and help to put into place some strategies that help.

We try to have a holiday timetable that ds has input into, it helps him to feel in control and helps us all to have some sort of predictable routine that we can see, we tend to have daily lists which we write as a family so we know what everyone is doing and when.

Purplerainbow · 21/07/2017 10:32

Thanks, no im more than happy for advice!!!

I have that profile, I have read that book plus lots of others... he's had every intervention going at school and through Camhs. He has had an Ot assessment yes but didn't really help to be honest. Showed me some deep pressure massage but doesn't always help.

The problem is, I DID leave him on the tablet even though he shouldn't be on it as I know WHY he was on it but he had to come off it to get to school! That's the problem and why this morning has gone like this?

He says repeatedly he doesn't know why he gets like he does, there is rarely Any build up, he goes 0-10 in 0.01 of a second....

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Purplerainbow · 21/07/2017 10:33

With regards to the holidays iv spoken to him about it. Asked for input but he isn't interested. He will want to sit in the house all day every day on his tablet.

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CloudPerson · 21/07/2017 10:39

The explosive child might help.
Not suggesting he has PDA, but when things go wrong, like they have this morning, a different approach might help, PDA strategies - fewer demands, tweaking language etc might help to keep things calm.
My son has PDA, but I know that camhs are opposed to PDA full stop, strategies, the whole shebang.
If normal ASD strategies aren't improving things, you might find that PDA strategies help.

If you look at the website The PDA resource there are things there, and on the PDA society website, somewhere there is a very helpful mindmap. I'm on my way out right now, but will come back and link to it later.

imip · 21/07/2017 10:43

Oh purple, my dd generally refuses to go anywhere also. Recently, however, (and after I broke down in tears at a team around the child meeting in front of SENCO, cahms, OT and SLT) she was invited to an ASD youth group (2 in fact) and she generally happily participates. It's such a relief. She can still have a lot of anxiety about going. It's so difficult to motivate sometimes.

Dd is on midrate DLA and this entitles us to short breaks in our borough. I thought this was universal, but perhaps not?

Purplerainbow · 21/07/2017 11:29

I do get Dla... who would I ring to check about if that's available in my area?

He definitely has a lot of PDA traits and I do my best and adapt to that and tend to give choice such as do you want to get dressed downstairs or upstairs etc....

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