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what help can I get for them?

(12 Posts)
weatherbomb Thu 18-May-17 14:27:24

I have 2dc who have fortnightly contact with their dad. He's abusive and they come home either very subdued or openly hostile towards me. This also leaves them very confused and they don't trigger camhs where I live. I've been to the gp and due to their ages, 8 &10, they seem to fall outside of the age range for counselling. Is there any other avenue I could take? I'd appreciate any ideas to help them.

Newtothis11 Fri 19-May-17 00:42:25

You don't need camhs you need social services if he is abusive and it's affecting their behaviour.

weatherbomb Mon 22-May-17 21:31:54

Thanks. SS are involved but he's refusing to engage. I'm court ordered to send them and they want to go mostly but it's very stressful all round. I'm currently looking at private counselling which is expensive but worth it if it helps.

TheGirlFromNoWhere Mon 22-May-17 21:35:39

Play therapy maybe? It's ready helped my son. Not in UK but child mental health services shit where I am too so I have to pay privately. Worth every cent imo.

ZuzuMyLittleGingersnap Mon 22-May-17 21:55:27

OP,

I second TheGirl's suggestion.

The BAPT is the UK professional body: they'd point you in the right direction as to registered Play Therapists etc. local to you.

www.bapt.info/play-therapy/info-parents/

It's especially useful as is child-led, and a way for your DC to communicate their feelings without feeling pressured.

Best of luck to you all x

weatherbomb Tue 23-May-17 07:26:45

TheGirl & Zuzu - thankyou smile

newdaylight Tue 23-May-17 07:33:43

I'm not really sure what it would achieve...sorry for the negative slant. Therapy tends to be more productive when the children are no longer in a harmful situation. I may be wrong on this case. What do you think is causing the children to act differently when they come back, do you suspect or know that their df is trying to paint you out in a bad light to them?

blueskyinmarch Tue 23-May-17 07:44:34

You are right Newday. Therapists don't usually work with children until they are no longer in the abusive situation as it is counterproductive.

ZuzuMyLittleGingersnap Tue 23-May-17 11:47:26

new and blue,

Fair points you make.

Esp. about optimum conditions for therapy being after any abusive behaviour has stopped.

As OP states that the visits are court-ordered to continue, though, my thinking was that Play Therapy might be one way of 'containing' any damage done (or progress undone?), by providing her DC with an outlet. And strengthening their reserves for forthcoming stays, whilst they're to carry on.

Happy to stand corrected, but I think Play Therapists, whilst of course ideally having everyone on board in the best interests of the children, will work with input from only the non-abusive, resident parent if circumstances require such?
.
Presumably, if SS are already involved, and OP has been court ordered to allow the visits, then safeguarding risks from physical/ sexual abuse isn't the issue here.
Verbal/ emotional abuse and manipulation, whilst equally detrimental and every bit as vile, is more insidious and disguised by a perpetrator. Nightmare to call against. Suppose it's a case of damage limitation.

Must be a bloody nightmare for you, OP, witnessing how your kids are affected by their fortnightly visits with an abusive ex, yet being powerless to halt it, legally.
Doubly confusing for the DC, if they "mostly" want the contact with their father.

TheGirlFromNoWhere Wed 24-May-17 12:32:05

Yes in an ideal world there would be no need for therapists to work with children who are still in chaotic situations, but in reality where does that leave the child? Stuck in a situation with no outlet for their feelings and emotions.
Perhaps some therapists won't work with children if both parents aren't on board, but not all.
And speaking from my own experience (which I realise is just and only mine), despite my child's father being as against any firm of intervention as they come, it has been massively beneficial to my son to have a "safe space", and someone impartial advocating for him.
Try contacting several therapists weather, to see if you can find one who can understand the particular challenges your family faces. The very best of luck to you flowers

weatherbomb Thu 25-May-17 21:13:46

Thank you all for your wise words. Yes indeed therapists will only work with the 'safe ' parent. Exh tells them that I don't love them, bad person etc etc and those are the things they've told me. There's a great deal that they don't tell me which saddens & scares me in equal measure 😞 SS see what's going on but the problem is getting the evidence to deal with it officially. it's so frustrating and zuzu you are right, I'm looking for an outlet for them, a safe place for them.to speak freely to an independent person. Its so hard trying to deal with soneone so full of hatred. Again, thank you flowers

StaceyH1987 Tue 30-May-17 15:17:28

Hi
I need mums advice about my 8 year old son. My son is a boy who always expects to get what he wants and if he doesn't he will kick off. I.e storm off or when he's at school he will call people names he's even hit a couple of children who are in his class. I have tried grounding him taking his tablet, Nintendo 2DS away from him and also telling his friends that he can't go out to play. I have also asked his father to stick to the rules but he lets my son get away with everything. We have been separated since my son was 3 years old due to a domestic abuse but he still gets to see our son. I have done everything for my son by myself but I still treated like am a bad mum. Can anyone please help.

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