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Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Child mental health

14 year old son out of control

37 replies

stacey1322 · 14/12/2016 19:04

Hi I'm a long time reader but could really do with some advice. I have a 14 year old son with conduct disorder and he is out of control, some examples from this year he has tryed to burn the house down and smashed up my medication, been suspended from school , he is not allowed back in until after Christmas due to threatening behaviour towards a female teacher , he came home on Friday and kicked off on me stuck his fingers down his throat and was sick all over the floor, screaming he was going slit my throat and the teacher and this was going on for five hours , I've got social workers involved, support workers cahms, and nothing is helping I've told him he is not having his big present for xmas as his behaviour was that bad Friday I'm at my wits end and don't no how to cope anymore and stuck in all this is my seven year old daughter who has to wittiness some shocking things , does anybody else have a child with conduct disorder and how do you live with it everyday thanks

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MinesAGin · 14/12/2016 19:07

It sounds incredibly stressful.

Would you be willing to call the police when he says he's going to slit your throat? Do you believe you or your daughter are in danger?

stacey1322 · 14/12/2016 19:12

Hi yes I've had to call the police as he has but they are saying it's a difficult situation for them as he does have problems, they give him a talking to but it makes no difference he has been under a youth offenders course twice where they tryed to make him see what he is doing is wrong but he thinks he is above everyone,

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tiredandhungryalways · 14/12/2016 19:14

No advice I'm afraid but hope he gets easier

stacey1322 · 14/12/2016 19:15

Thank you 😊

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AndShesGone · 14/12/2016 19:15

Have you contacted social services for help? They might be able to offer respite and do an assessment.

It's not ok for you and your 7 year old to be at risk (and your 14 year old, it must be scary for him too)

MinesAGin · 14/12/2016 19:16

I've just re-read and seen that he tried to burn the house down. How was he not charged with arson?

I grew up with a very violent brother, so I do understand how stressful it must be for you.

stacey1322 · 14/12/2016 19:18

Hi yes we have a social worker I've asked for respite but they are saying it's no longer a thing they offer anymore. they say as I protect her from him she is not at risk I don't no what he has to do for them to do something,

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MinesAGin · 14/12/2016 19:18

It sounds as though he should be in some sort of residential care, OP. Would you be willing for him to do that? I imagine he wouldn't be willing.

MinesAGin · 14/12/2016 19:19

This is the disgraceful thing, that he has to do something awful for it to be treated seriously. He needs to be protected from himself, too.

stacey1322 · 14/12/2016 19:23

he opened the cooker turned it on and went to spray an aerosol can into it screaming I'm going burn the house down I rang the police and he ran , so the police said as it was a threat they will give him a warning , I can't understand why he is been allowed to do this if this was my partner he would of been locked up but because he is 14 he is allowed to do it

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stacey1322 · 14/12/2016 19:25

I've come very close to putting him into care this year , but been his mum I have a overwhelming sense of guilt that I need be there and that I can change him but I no I can't

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AndShesGone · 14/12/2016 19:33

Oh god social services are not offering you respite because they don't offer it, they're not offering it because they can't afford it and they've weighed up the risk of him attacking your 7 year old and decided that you're too good a parent to let that happen.

Even though you'll be literally exhausting yourself to ensure both you and hers safety!

I'm going to say what I always say. When you get to the end of your rope and you can't do it any more ask for him to be taken in to foster care. You'll know when that point is, it sounds like you're there already

stacey1322 · 14/12/2016 19:38

Thank you , I've tryed sitting him down and telling him how bad he is making me feel but he lives in another world where it is all about him and if things are not going the way he wants he makes sure we no , he was put on a anti psychotic see if that would calm him but he used that as a gain for him if he wasn't getting his own way he was threatening to overdose on it or taking it and then spitting it at me so cahms decided to stop it

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MinesAGin · 14/12/2016 19:40

I think it's a very difficult thing, but you have to accept that at the moment, living with you isn't the best thing for him. He's clearly very disturbed and he isn't getting the care he needs (not your fault, at all.) If I were you I would tell social services to take over the care of him now for everyone's safety. If he behaves like that in foster care or a children's home (which he will) then it will be dealt with far more seriously than it is when he's living with you.

Is Christmas likely to be a very stressful time for him? I think you should act immediately, to be honest. The best way to help him is to get intervention before he does something which involves the loss of someone's life. It'll take an awful lot of courage - there's no shame in accepting that you can't take care of him now.

MinesAGin · 14/12/2016 19:41

I think you're treating him as a 'normal' child who's gone off the rails. It doesn't sound like that at all to me. It sounds as though he's very disturbed and needs professional help.

MinesAGin · 14/12/2016 19:42

What I mean is, you're trying to persuade him to behave - that's just not possible in this case, OP.

MinesAGin · 14/12/2016 19:46

And the guilt you would feel at putting him into care would be nothing to the guilt you'd feel if he killed himself, a stranger, your daughter or if he killed you and left your daughter without a mother and him in a prison setting for decades.

OP, he's threatened to kill you more than once. You have to do something.

user1467798821 · 14/12/2016 20:03

I have been in exactly your shoes. My son was a nightmare, violence, manipulation and I made myself very ill trying to keep him and me safe. I had to accept defeat and I told social services I would not have him at home any longer. I had to battle with them, and I mean battle but they took him into care under a section 20 I think which meant I retained parental responsibility and I could have him home at any time. I had 10 weeks, but I fought hard to make sure there was times when I didn't see him, so that I felt I could switch off and rest.
You are no good to anyone if you are hurt or exhausted. I don't see it as defeat, it takes a strong mother to admit she's struggling and insist on support. Feel free to message me if you need to talk

stacey1322 · 14/12/2016 20:10

Hi user yes that's how I am at the moment and all I get if social workers is put clear boundaries in for him I'm like how is that possible when that's what he is fighting against I have tried everything cahms see him every 3 months because he won't engage so they say there is nothing they can do , I really don't no what the expect me do if they can't do anything

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stacey1322 · 14/12/2016 20:13

And also after the cooker incident I told the social worker I could not do this anymore but she came back with if you let him go into the system he will be worse than he is now and think I've abandoned him

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Fairenuff · 14/12/2016 20:17

Are you really not going to give him the big xmas present?

Crumbs1 · 14/12/2016 20:39

He needs residential special school by the sound of it. Which school, if any is he attending. Is he statemented? If not he should be. Insist on a statement with named school providing residential. When you meet with school ask them to call police if he has threatened a teacher. Has he be formally excluded? The school can't just send him home until after Christmas unless it is a proper fixed term exclusion.
It is clear you are not putting in the necessary boundaries so he needs someone else to do so. Naughty boys need strong, clear rules with rigorously imposed sanctions and rewards. Conduct disordered is a medical way of saying very naughty - he is perfectly capable of behaving but won't.
On a practical level-
Get rid of all aerosols
Lock all drugs away properly
Stop giving him any money, cigarettes or alcohol. Do not have any cigarettes or alcohol in the house. Don't have matches or lighters in the house - use one of the battery lighters for the cooker.
Try to catch him being good and give a little praise.
Try not to reward the bad behaviour with attention.

It's hard and you sound like you are scared of him but you are his mother so have to take responsibility and not make excuses for him.

Does he have a father involved at all? Or grandparents?

stacey1322 · 14/12/2016 20:47

Hi crumbs I do agree with what you say as he can switch it on and off , yes I have a partner who has been in his life for 12 years we have done all of the locking things away removing things grounding no screens everything, but the older he is getting the more bad behaviour he is doing , he also towers over me now so it is very difficult to deal with him when he is smashing things and throwing stuff at me , he does get praise when he is being good but no matter how much we do that he goes back to doing bad things , we are just going through statement at the moment and waiting on what phyc says in her report

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Crumbs1 · 14/12/2016 21:03

You really need Ed psyche to recommend residential special by the sound of it. Are there any in your county council?

Crumbs1 · 14/12/2016 21:04

If statement names school,it has to be funded and school have to accept the child, assuming they have a place.

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